Aibu ?

[Spanglyprincess1]

Partners ex messaged out of blue she will be dropping kids here next week (first time ever since we moved nine months ago) and wants to agree next year's contact calander. I don't want her in my house.

For background, I've never been in her house. I have a newborn baby who is very fretful at the momment and will have the three step children here too. After baby was born she said some vile things in frot of the DSC while on Skype to my partner about bbay not being family and I am livid about it. He is their half brother and I would never dream of saying that to the dsc, they are all family and very much loved. After this I refused any contact with her until I got an apology ( will never happen). Dp said i was making his life difficult but I said I normaly dont take things to heart but this has offended me deeply and I'm not willing to have contact with someone who behaves that way.

Aibu to say to dp that she isn't welcome in the house ( I havnt raised it yet but he knows I'm unhappy)? They can go and sort the calander in the pub and I'm happy to care for the kids while they do or they can sort it be email as they have done for the last five years but I don't want her in my home.
Thought a mn poll of opinions might help me see if I'm being rational or not.

*dont

I used to be friendly and pleasant with my dp’s ex.

Then when she found out I was pregnant she just exploded at me and said I am stupid. She said all this knowing I had suffered a loss several months before so her words hurt deeply. So now I make the effort to make very limited contact with her. I respond to her messages with one word answers, don’t come to the door when she’s dropping dsc off or picking up and don’t speak to her at school anymore (her child with her partner is in the same class as my child). I was once coming home from football with ds and saw her car approaching our house, so rather than stand at the door and greet her I just shut it behind me and told dp to go to the door instead.
I’d be very uncomfortable to see her in my home to be honest. That goes for anyone if they said those comments about my pregnancy. Sometimes people say things and there is no going back.

Funinthesun18 - that's how I feel and previously I was all for everyone being civil and it didn't matter. It's sad but it is true that you can't unsay something esp if it really hurts the other person and was unessisairy

I really wouldn’t go out to accommodate her. In the past I’ve left my home to give space to my DSCs and their DM, but now they see me as not worthy even paying courtesy or respect to.

Value your space and right to it and ask your DH to discuss diaries with her elsewhere.

If she insists, then I would insist on being part of the discussions. I suspect at that point she’d agree to go elsewhere.

Keep calm but don’t let her override your feelings.

that's how I feel and previously I was all for everyone being civil and it didn't matter. It's sad but it is true that you can't unsay something esp if it really hurts the other person and was unessisairy

Exactly. Now I think fuck it I don’t actually need to have very much to do with you so I won’t. 💁🏼‍♀️

Don’t go out!! Why should you? Don’t set a precedence for yourself here.

Tell your partner, very clearly, that she isn’t welcome in the house.

He can meet her elsewhere or sort it by email.

I’m afraid I would let her in the house. For the sake of the kids and no other reason

Be nice to her. Kill her with kindness

Totally agree, MadMags.

Hard as it is....the best way to combat her bitterness is by killing it with kindness.

The best antidote to her behaviour for your step children is to kill her with kindness...invite her in, offer her a cup of tea - do it all on your terms but terms of kindness.

I do get the emotional reaction ...and I do have direct experience of dealing with a difficult ex but ....show the children how humans should behave towards one another.

Please please dont go out, your house is for you and your husband your step children and your own children, she is not to be in it sullying it. Its your safe haven, theres no place for her, even if your not there. Its simple shes not welcome.

If she really wants to discuss the dates, your husband can meet her at the door and they can go to a coffee shop, pub or somewhere, taking the kids if they like, i wpuldnt recomend it, and as you have offered i would strongly suggest your husband is very firm and takes you up on the offer of you looking after the kids. They could even sit in the car and duscuss it, but she is not to come in your house, please.

It really doesnt sound like its a good idea to not have the agreement in writing, can your husnand take a pen and paper with him, get her to sign it and email her the dates as comfirmation.

On the comment i read it as the comment being about the baby not being your step childrens family, and i waa upset by Robos comment that seemed to be putting the blame on to you, thats why i said what i did, that if ot was the way robo thought then no it was asking a little too much, but of it was the way i thought and is, ie disgusting and undermining of course your child is your step childrens family.

I know of grandparents that keep undermining a half sibling rekationship, bly tellimg the older children the younger children are only "half" siblings, some ex families are just nasty. I on the other hand dont make any difference between full half or step their still all family and just siblings

On the comment i think theres three things you can do.

1)let it go, which i understand isnt really possiable, might be best for the kids, bit it does affect everything

2. be angry, this plays in to her hands she wants you to come over as the evil step mum

3. i actally think doing what fun does is ok, limiting your own contact with her, civil in front of the children but let your husband deal with her, no more contact with you or your child than her dropping the children at the door. If even that let your husband do that, you dont need to speak to her. But not making the atmosphere nasty for the children

I'd say it comes down to your personal boundaries to be honest. Some people would be okay with it, others would feel the ex being in their personal space would cross their "line"

You're perfectly entitled to your feelings whichever side you fall on (personally I fall in to the latter - my home is my sanctuary and I wouldn't feel comfortable with that scenario regardless of whether the relationship was all friendly and civil or not)

Having your boundaries crossed is what is going to cause resentment so if it's not what you want or feel comfortable with then say so. It's your house, she has no right to be there if you don't want her to be.

There’s being helpful in a relationship and there’s doing stuff that later will cause resentment in a relationship. And this will do for you towards your dp

Sometimes as women we convince ourselves to sacrifice our happiness when other won’t.
If you dp has a issue with you saying no then that your proof he wouldn’t do it if the tables turned.
Also ex is playing the mum kids card, it’s subtle move but non the less a test between you two.
And what are you watching the dsc?
I am all for helping, truely I am, moving past the past etc but How about they wait for another day when he drops the dc off and chat then??? Why’s it all got to be now?
If time was important you and you lo would of receive your sorry by now!

Under no circumstances are you being unreasonable. You sound like you are keeping your end of the (rather tough) bargain by being a kind step parent to the kids when their mum is difficult. It's not your responsibility to host these bloody meetups in your home! Make sure these dates also suit your life.

Ok adding in my two pence on this one.

I don't think you are even slightly unreasonable here. You have a very young baby I think under 2 months. No way should you leave your house to accommodate her. That's your private space.
There's being the bigger person and opening yourself up to attack in your own home. Please send them down to a pub or coffee shop. That's completely ok.

I facilitate to exw to come to our house to see her kids. She still makes rude remarks on the food and the house etc. She's also very pregnant and talks about that a lot.
I find it so hard having her here that although I cook and set up activities I stay as out of the way as I can. And trust me being made to feel like a pariah in your own home for 5 hours by the woman who doesn't want her kids. Ah so hard.

So spangly you do what you feel is right. I think your dp should respect that. I think most of us are 100% behind you on that one!

Well the kids’ own mother wasn’t prioritising their feelings.

They won’t be adversely affected by not having something they’ve never had before.

You sound like have work. Get over the comment and move on. She doesn't need to be your bff. You are making your DH life difficult.

There's always one.

You do know there's a whole world between wanting to be BFF's and not wanting someone telling your stepchildren that your child is not related to them?

Yes. I completely get that @MadMags. As others have said, I think OP needs to rise above and move on.

No, what you actually said was that she's hard work. She should get over it. That she doesn't need to be her bff, even though OP never even so much as hinted that she wanted that sort of relationship. And that she was making her husband's life difficult.

You didn't once tell her to rise above it.

How about you rise above your own issue. This women doesn’t need to rise above anything.
People need to stop saying shit any expecting im the mother so it’s ok!
Move you rude self.

She is hard work? Why? Have you had a baby with a dp who has dc?
If you have, She such a terrible person for not being such a grown up like you!
MN’s mums live in such glass houses

There's no reason they can't discuss it elsewhere and if she was a decent person she'd apologise...because she was wrong. That would be the mature and correct thing to do.

The children are of course family even if she doesnt like it.

YANBU and you shouldn't leave your home.

Can't your OH go and pick the kids up and discuss it in her house. He could say it's not convenient to discuss in your place and never will be.

Even if the OP "rose above the comment and moved on" she still does not have to have somebody in her house who she does not want there forgiving and forgetting is for yourself, not for others.

She said in the original post that the ex has not came near their home in 9 months... but now that she's had a baby she wants to come over? Sorry but no 👃🏼 If the contact arrangements need discussed then her partner can go to hers or better yet they go neutral. There has to be boundaries.

At this point the partner is making life difficult for the OP (who's just had a baby!) not the other way about...

YANBU at all. Your partner has no right at all to invite anyone into your shared home who is horrible to you.

DH does all the driving, ex has never done one pick up or drop off and she’s never set foot in our house and never will. Not a chance in hell. She’s not a nice person and she’s never spoken to me the way your DPs ex has to you.

Contact schedule here is arranged by email, changes if needed by text or email and if they ever had to speak in person they’d do it in a public place away from the DSC, with witnesses.

Put your foot down. He’s putting her feelings above you’re and that’s bullshit.