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Step-parenting

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School holidays.

114 replies

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:19

Hey all, just looking for some advice because sometimes I worry I’m looking at everything from one viewpoint or being biased etc etc and I think sometimes it’s good to stand back and get the viewpoint of other people. This is the second lot of school holidays to occur since meeting my partner. Last year I wouldn’t have said I had major involvement however this year I’d say I have a bit more input regarding the kids (much to the mothers dislike) and obviously this would involve holidays. We took the kids for a long weekend away to a holiday park a couple weekends back (which they loved) as this is what my partners says off would allow and as you can imagine our budgets allowed for. I think more than three days would have been chaos and to be honest with the young ages of the kids I think three days to them is a holiday anyways. Regardless, last week the ex messaged my partner “have you asked about time off in the holidays?” I have to entertain them for six weeks etc. And I’m honestly so unsure of my stance. Her parents have them for her ALOT, something mentioned by the kids themselves so we know they will be helping her out (probably more than they reasonably should) and obviously when my partner was with her he wouldn’t have taken six weeks off to have them with her. But still they are his kids and he doesn’t stop being a parent just because he’s stopped being there. He has a weeks holiday to use but me perhaps selfishly would like a weeks holiday this year like anyone would and so would he but at the same time kids come first. I’m so torn at what he should do. Even if he took the week off it would just be his kids spending time at his mums with him as he hasn’t booked any holidays etc. Fair enough of her to ask but a week before the summer holidays start?! Should he?

OP posts:
Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 14:50

Whenever I ask him about it he just said she was lazy. That’s bad but it’s not a crime. Besides how much is where he hates her.

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 31/07/2018 14:51

Your boyfriend sounds every bit as lazy as her.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 14:52

So he’s a shit dad and you don’t know of he’s lying about her or not?

Yes, I can see why you would want to be with him!

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 14:53

Schroedinger’s babymother: neglectful when her spendthrift ways/laziness/shit parenting is up for discussion, yet also suddenly adequate when discussing the unfortunate children’s other parent taking on more responsibility than 50 hours a fortnight.

Thesearmsofmine · 31/07/2018 14:53

So you think several hospital trips, 2 children’s development suffering, never being taken outside, not being provided adequate clothes, rarely going to school, untreated head lice and smelling of urine are small things? If any of this is true I feel sorry for the kids being stuck in the middle of adults like your DH his ex and yourself.

I suspect much of this is being wildly elaborated as you are now backtracking.

LunaTrap · 31/07/2018 14:54

Whatever possessed you, a seemingly articulate young women without any ties, to see a lazy Dad with a whole gaggle of neglected children including a toddler, an angry and hostile ex, and shit loads of grief, as a good catch?

LunaTrap · 31/07/2018 14:56

I like Shroedinger's babymother. She pops up so often on here!

PrettyLovely · 31/07/2018 14:57

I dont understand why this wouldnt have been sorted when they split up?
It is always alot easier when everyone knows where they stand regarding the holidays and contact.

JurassicGirl · 31/07/2018 14:57

When i met DH his DC were young & his 4 weeks of annual leave were kept for having his them. 1 wk at Christmas, 1 wk at Easter & 2 wks in the summer holidays. We only ever had a weekend away together just us 2 until our honeymoon (7 yrs later) where we took 1 wk together without the DC.

DH's ex wife was a sahm & was fine with this arrangement.

Our dc have since come along & his have grown up so often we have holidays/time off just us & our dc but sometimes his (now adult) dc join us.

There are a lot of sacrifices to be made when your DP already has children & I wish I had discovered forums like these in the early days when I was stuggling but if you're in it for the long haul it gets easier!

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 31/07/2018 14:59

He should be stepping up during school holiday time like any parent regardless if she works or not.

He also shouldn't need prompting on this.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 14:59

And still lolling here at ‘buying them little outfits’ being held up as an example of ‘doing as much as i can’ for these unfortunate piss soaked nit riddled speech delayed school refusing children

RoboJesus · 31/07/2018 15:04

No he should never chose you over the kids.

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 15:19

Good god op, is this relationship really worth all the drama? No man is that amazing is he? (I’m saying this as a genuinely supportive message)

PrettyLovely · 31/07/2018 15:22

Wow I massively cross posted.
Can I just point out speech delay would be rare out of no interaction unless the kid is literally seperated from people, Kids pick up speech from those around them, My son was speech delayed and it can be a simple thing such as having glue ear. Also from just having slower development or developmental issues. I dont think its something you can attribute to her, you arent there you dont really know.
The fact two of her kids have it is also not uncommon as it can run in families.

My SS also always used to tell his mother we did nothing with him I have no idea why he lied as we are always out and about with him.

Also after reading everything about her leaving the kids to look after themselves I dont understand how your partner wouldnt go for custody?

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 15:24

Pretty, my dc tell me they’ve done ‘nothing’ at school every single day

It’s like an epidemic Grin

PrettyLovely · 31/07/2018 15:39

Mine say the same @MissVanjie I think sometimes its because they cant be bothered to tell me or talk, probably was why my ss used to say it,... who knows, I wouldnt take it as gospel from a kid.

SpottingTheZebras · 31/07/2018 15:44

What a massive drip feed. OP, in the unlikely event you are telling the truth, your partner is neglecting his children just as much as his ex by allowing this to continue. Forget about taking a week off work, he should be going for full custody of his children and properly looking after them.

flamingofridays · 31/07/2018 15:50

to be honest though what sense does it make for the working parent to take time off to look after the kids whilst the non working parent does shite all?

if they were together he wouldn't.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 15:53

If looking after three children is indeed ‘shite all’ then why is it a problem for him to do it for one week out of six?

ANd i feel sorry for you if your experience of being in a couple with children is that one person does 100% of the childcare 24/7 while the other parent does ‘shite all’ but i can assure you that this is not typical in healthy relationships :)

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 15:54

If they were together he’d see his kids more than EOW and one night a week. What kind of dad doesn’t want to see their kid more than that? It shouldn’t just be about providing childcare.

flamingofridays · 31/07/2018 15:59

If looking after three children is indeed ‘shite all’ then why is it a problem for him to do it for one week out of six?

I didn't say looking after 3 children was shite all, but if she wasn't looking after her children (because he is) then she would be doing shite all.

that's not my experience, no. We both work full time, neither of us does shite all. Please don't be so patronising.

I never commented on what sort of dad he was or whether he should want to see them more, I just said it doesn't really make very much sense does it.

SpottingTheZebras · 31/07/2018 16:00

Perhaps if they were still together she would have a job and balancing childcare would come from both of their holiday entitlements.

flamingofridays · 31/07/2018 16:01

if what op is saying is true, that she has never worked before, during or since having kids - that seems unlikely

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 16:03

Well the mum’s there at the weekend doing nothing too, so should he just never see them at all?

flamingofridays · 31/07/2018 16:13

I haven't said that have I?

he should see them, and presumably on a weekend he is not at work

just seems silly to take holiday from work when they have another parent who is free to care for them anyway