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Step-parenting

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Original poster

School holidays.

114 replies

Pussinboots94 · 31/07/2018 13:19

Hey all, just looking for some advice because sometimes I worry I’m looking at everything from one viewpoint or being biased etc etc and I think sometimes it’s good to stand back and get the viewpoint of other people. This is the second lot of school holidays to occur since meeting my partner. Last year I wouldn’t have said I had major involvement however this year I’d say I have a bit more input regarding the kids (much to the mothers dislike) and obviously this would involve holidays. We took the kids for a long weekend away to a holiday park a couple weekends back (which they loved) as this is what my partners says off would allow and as you can imagine our budgets allowed for. I think more than three days would have been chaos and to be honest with the young ages of the kids I think three days to them is a holiday anyways. Regardless, last week the ex messaged my partner “have you asked about time off in the holidays?” I have to entertain them for six weeks etc. And I’m honestly so unsure of my stance. Her parents have them for her ALOT, something mentioned by the kids themselves so we know they will be helping her out (probably more than they reasonably should) and obviously when my partner was with her he wouldn’t have taken six weeks off to have them with her. But still they are his kids and he doesn’t stop being a parent just because he’s stopped being there. He has a weeks holiday to use but me perhaps selfishly would like a weeks holiday this year like anyone would and so would he but at the same time kids come first. I’m so torn at what he should do. Even if he took the week off it would just be his kids spending time at his mums with him as he hasn’t booked any holidays etc. Fair enough of her to ask but a week before the summer holidays start?! Should he?

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/07/2018 16:18

He’s having them for the weekends during the holidays but how can he be expected to have them during the week? He needs to work

Hahahahahaha! Single parent of three. Full time job and a Part time job and a Seasonal job. I have my children 10 out of 14 nights. I seem to manage OK.

NerdyBird · 31/07/2018 16:19

My DH's ex doesn't work, we have residency for his two dc. Holidays are split equally and we cover our part. He doesn't just assume she'll do it all because she's not working. It is a bit unreasonable to not be more organised when school term dates are published well in advance but your DP can easily check those and make suggestions for how to split it so it's not just up to your dsc mum. It would probably be worth getting a more formal agreement in place as it seems your dp hasn't quite realised that he can't just carry on as he did when they were married.

HollyGibney · 31/07/2018 16:20

Her parents have them for her ALOT, something mentioned by the kids themselves so we know they will be helping her out (probably more than they reasonably should)

Why on earth do you think that you should have an opinion that?! You are, in MN parlance, a CF!

It's threads like these and that kind of snidey judgment that get SM such a bad rap on MN.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 16:35

I could be an unemployed millionaire with a chef, cleaner, nanny and personal arse wiper and I would still expect my ex to take holidays from work when the dc are off school in order to have extra time with his children.

How do you think it looks to a child when they realise dad didn’t take any extra opportunities to spend time with them? They do realise and it hurts.

PrettyLovely · 31/07/2018 16:41

I agree with flamingofridays.

I also do think its relevent to include she has alot of help from her Mum having the kids. So she isnt "in need" of having "a break" as she has someone who helps her as well.
Being a single parent with absolutely no family/friends help having no "break" is alot different to having your Mum take the weight off your shoulders having your kids for you.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 31/07/2018 16:45

She didn’t work before the kids. Between the kids.

If this was a problem, why did your partner have children with her? It obviously suited him for her not to work when he was with her, why are you slagging her off for it now they aren’t together?

flamingofridays · 31/07/2018 16:45

How do you think it looks to a child when they realise dad didn’t take any extra opportunities to spend time with them? They do realise and it hurts

I don't spend every single holiday from work with my child. I assume he will resent me for the rest of his life?

BoneShaker · 31/07/2018 16:52

You complain about the DC's mum relying on her parents(the children's grandparents) for help but seem perfectly happy for their dad to rely on his girlfriend?

The children are also being completely honest when they tell you things about their mum, but are lying when they talk about their dad?

It's bad that the mum doesn't want to spend 6 weeks of the holidays looking after the children, but perfectly fine for the dad not to want to spend even a single week of the same holidays with them?

The mum is neglecting the children and harming their development, but at the same time is absolutely the best person to care for them?

If you take nothing else away from this thread, at least stop for a moment to ask yourself why you are so quick to excuse your DP's behaviour and attitude in all of this.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 16:52

“I also do think its relevent to include she has alot of help from her Mum having the kids. So she isnt "in need" of having "a break" as she has someone who helps her as well.”

Time with grandparents and extended family is part of normal family life. It is an enrichment activity, not a replacement for parental responsibility.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 16:53

Nor do I, because his dad spends extra time with him in holidays, as he should. But I do spend some, because I want to. As do most parents.

If you were actively choosing to see your dc about 8 days a month when you could see him that plus a few extra weeks here and then but chose not to, then yeah, I’d say that’s a good reason for resentment.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 31/07/2018 16:54

I don't spend every single holiday from work with my child. I assume he will resent me for the rest of his life?

Do your live with your child?

Dovesfly · 31/07/2018 16:55

He can take holiday from work.

One week in the summer holidays is nothing.

PrettyLovely · 31/07/2018 16:57

"Time with grandparents and extended family is part of normal family life. It is an enrichment activity, not a replacement for parental responsibility."

Have to disagree there, Its not normal for everyone unfortunately.
Some people have no help from their parents.

m0therofdragons · 31/07/2018 17:02

Dh and I aren't divorced and we tag team the holiday. I'd expect the Dad to split holidays half and half but not necessarily take time off work, just be responsible for organising childcare and having them overnight / doing the washing for half the holidays etc.

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 17:03

Hahahahahaha! Single parent of three. Full time job and a Part time job and a Seasonal job. I have my children 10 out of 14 nights. I seem to manage OK

Lots of other single parents don’t have 3 jobs. You are very lucky to be able to afford to do that if you have your children 10 out of 14 nights. Not bad.

Meanwhile other single parents are barely getting by and don’t brag about how amazing they are.

qumquat · 31/07/2018 17:07

I don't think having three jobs (presumably out of necessity) counts as particularly lucky!

Op if the children are as neglected as you say your dp should step up and try and get full time residency.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 17:07

“Have to disagree there, Its not normal for everyone unfortunately.
Some people have no help from their parents.”

I know that. Obviously i should have said ‘in an ideal world’ etc etc. I don’t see how this negates the central point of my post that quality time with extended family is not a replacement for parental responsibility, nor should it be seen as such. What point are you actually making?

funinthesun18 · 31/07/2018 17:09

I don't think having three jobs (presumably out of necessity) counts as particularly lucky!

Some people can barely afford to do one job. Of course it’s bloody lucky.

MissVanjie · 31/07/2018 17:12

Hey single parents! Don’t work three jobs you big show offs. Also, don’t work zero jobs either cos that makes you lazy. Fathers are equal parents to mothers, don’t you dare keep the dc from them. Except during office hours. Then it’s all down to you sucker. Oh and if this all sounds a bit contrary and difficult to work out then all it means is that you shouldn’t have had them in the first place.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 31/07/2018 17:15

I don’t imagine anyone has 3 jobs unless they had to!

SmileSweetly · 31/07/2018 17:16

I would expect him to have them for at least 2 weeks during the summer holidays (as well as his usual weekends & Wednesday evenings)

With him taking leave to spend quality time with them for part of the time and arranging childcare / holidayclubs / time with his parents etc.

You are involved with a Dad, don't expect to have holidays away just the two if you. All his leave and holidays will revolve around his children. If they weren't his first priority at all times, then he's not really the type of man I'd want to date really.

freetoagoodhome · 31/07/2018 17:17

@funinthesun18

Are I serious? That poster is clearly pointing how ridiculous it is to say the OP’s ex can’t be expected to have his kids any days that aren’t weekends.

Shes not bragging about the jobs it saying she’s amazing. She’s saying she manages ok because she has to, and that the OP’s ex could certainly manage in one job!

LunaTrap · 31/07/2018 17:20

Who cares what he would do if they were still together? They aren't anymore, so lots of things change. Presumably the ex no longer gets the financial benefit of the salary he earns beyond the legally enforceable CMS rates so why does he get the benefit of her covering every single holiday? Besides which if she is a lone parent with a preschooler the job centre will be on at her soon enough.

PrettyLovely · 31/07/2018 17:26

"I know that. Obviously i should have said ‘in an ideal world’ etc etc. I don’t see how this negates the central point of my post that quality time with extended family is not a replacement for parental responsibility, nor should it be seen as such. What point are you actually making?"

What do you mean what point am I making you are the one who is picking out parts of my post and commenting on it.
If you read the full part of my post properly you would see how I commented that I do think its relevent we know that she gets some help, you may not see it as help and enrichment but for many people its help.
For example I was a single mother of two small kids, I had NO help, NO help from the ex he didnt even see them. No help from my Mum no break
Whilst my friend as she would tell me she had help, if she wanted to go for a nightout she asked her Mum to HELP to have her kid for her, If she wanted HELP because she wanted to go to a concert her Mum would have her kid. She will tell you herself her Mum helped her and doesnt see it as her Mum doing her duties as a Nan for enrichment or however you want to put it.
It doesnt replace parental responsibility I didnt say that did I. BUT as I was saying in my post it was relevent that we knew it from what op was saying as we could see the support the ex is getting.
For example if someone never gets any break from their kids I think they deserve some extra support so she can get a break.

thethoughtfox · 31/07/2018 17:32

'He’s having them for the weekends during the holidays but how can he be expected to have them during the week? He needs to work, she doesn’t. I don’t really see the issue. He wouldn’t have gotten a month off when they were married?'

Because the perks of being married -ie another person being around to share the childcare - ends when the marriage does. Here, one partner hardly has the children so is free to take any job with potentially huge earning potential; the other partner is a SAHP with the reduced earning potential that entails.

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