Step parents and resident parents matter too !

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Having read a number of step parenting threads over the last few weeks related to summer holiday 'issues' . Holidays, unexpected child care etc. I am completely staggered by the hypocrisy demonstrated by some posters against stepmothers in a way it is frowned on other boards.

I'll give an example.
Aibu/relationship post. (I'll précis) I have shacked up with a complete dickhead. He was a dickhead from day 1 but I thought he would change. He is being an unbelievably unsupportive and unengaged partner now I'm pregnant....

There will be loads of posts advising her to ltb but god forbid someone states the bloody obvious. 'Why did you choose to breed with a KNOWN dickhead.' ? . and they will be jumped on. ! 'Why bash someone while they are down' 'Not the babies fault' 'Baby didn't choose to be born'.. 'she needs support not castigation ' . and of course 'it's happened now, she needs to make the best of it for her child'.

Transfer this to 'step-parenting' and a any problem related to the juggling of time and step children. (Especially in the summer holidays) is met with 'you knew he had kids before you had them with him'. 'Should of thought about it before having more kids' (despite the fact that she hasn't had ANY kids, before) . Yes of course you as Step-mother should not expect to take a summer holiday unless you can afford to take ALL the children. Even if this means you yet no holiday nor your children, because your sc might be miffed. Even if they are having a couple of holidays with their dm and dm family. But no, Dsc feelings must always trump Step mothers needs and resident children.
As for a step mother expecting to spend her annual holiday with her DH/DP and not automatically subjugating herself so the Dscs can have one on one time with dad. (Screw the resident Dcs wanting 121 time)
it is looked upon as tantamount to the most selfish act imaginable.

Double standards ?

Perpetrating this myth that all children can be treated equally does no one any favours. Life is not 'fair'. Sometimes it can be worked quite well, sometimes it just can't. All parents (especially step parents) can do is to try and do their best, be kind, and have a fair stab at making it work.

Well that was a confusing rant.

Seriously no one says the SMs must subjugate to the DSCs. However, when it comes to holidays, when people post comments that they can only go abroad with their joint DCs and can not afford their DSCs - it does show a double standard.

The resident DCs do get 121 time usually 12/14 days, SDCS do need some 121 time with their NRP - not the whole time but just a little!

When you have kids, you compromise on so many parts of your life - I would love a week in a luxury spa hotel on my own - er not happening, got nothing to do with anyone else - I just have DCS!!!

Either they are a family or they are not.

Double standards? Yes. Same old crap trotted out to chastise second wives and second families? Absolutely.

This board is teaming with the same names these days desperate to rip a step mum to shreds because their ex dumped them and they feel helpless and bitter so take it out on randoms on the internet. It would be fascinating if it wasn’t so predictable and boring.

No one ever knows what they’re getting into. It’s never levelled at parents who are struggling but step parents, especially ones without their own children, hear it constantly.

There are of course step parents who are selfish dicks who see the DC as an inconvenience and they’re rightly told to see sense. But god forbid a poster needs advice or to offload here rather than going nuts in rl, no, they have no right to complain, everyone else is far more important and she’s told to suck it up and put herself and her children last to pander to the needs of the steps because they’re from a broken home.

As a child of divorced parents I find it laughable how many allowances are supposed to be made to compensate children for their parents no longer being together. I was much much happier with mum and dad living apart and my DSC have said the same about theirs.

Oh look, there’s one of the posters I was referring to. Amazing how many people who aren’t step parents frequent this board waiting for an opportunity to froth and complain.

Too many people get together and move in without working out how money will work and, in step situations, if money will stretch to do what they want it to. If you are a childless woman getting together with a man who has existing children then you still don’t have an automatic right to children without considering the impact on the existing ones. And that includes thinking about how big ticket items - houses, cars, holidays - are going to work. The number of times you see ‘I had to get a bigger house/car/holiday villa because of his children’ is unreal. It’s part and parcel of blending a family. It’s expensive. It may mean a step parent is forced to limit their own desires for a larger family. Or goes back to work earlier. Or forfeits part-time working. Or refuses to compromise and moves on to a new relationship.

I can’t stand the ‘but they go away with their mum’ excuses. Your children and his children have different sets of parents with different sets of financial circumstances. We don’t fall about in the depths of despair because our next door neighbour’s child had a holiday and our child didn’t, yet somehow it’s OK to exclude a member of your family because they already got something you want for your child. You justify it with ‘we pay maintenance’ and ‘she gets all the benefits’ and other such nonsense, but few children see anything other than their father’s new child got a holiday with dad and they didn’t. Imagine having to live with that.

All too often it seems to me that step parents want the new partner and want to be seen to be accepting of existing children without the very real financial implications of what having those children as a responsibility means. Too many women making thinly veiled excuses for no maintenance payments and low maintenance payments. She works. She earns more than us. Her parents are loaded. Her new partner works. We can’t afford a new car but she can so we’ll reduce maintenance to a minimum ‘cos that’ll show her! It has sod all to do with the children and everything to do with not coping with the idea your partner lived a life before you. Jealousy, anger and resentment feature heavily on these boards.

Equality has never been about treating people the same.

Snap! Was thinking just the same Annelovesgilbert

What perplexes me is why people who aren't Step parents hang out on a board that i had (perhaps wrongly) assumed was for step-parents to offer advice to other step parents negotiating the world of non resident children/step children. There are a myriad other topic places to complain/offer practical advice on the subject of your children spending time with their non resident parent. Why come to the one place that should be somewhere that SPs can let off steam.

Like it or not, sometimes it's really hard . Sometimes we ARE unreasonable about not wanting to share all of our spare time with his kids. Not all dsc are misunderstood troubled souls. Not all ex wives are paragons of selfless virtue. Not all fathers are feckless wastrels who've forgotten their (first) children . Not all second families have the money to provide bedrooms and holidays for non resident (or for that matter resident children). Most of us just try and do the best we can and a place to have a rant rather than let rip in rl is invaluable.

Completely agree that children need time with their parent. There are plenty of opportunities to do that - that don't include the step-mother being excluded from the holiday in order for this to be achieved .

Ah yes, bitter. It is bitter to expect a parent to think about the implications of new partner, more children, going to university, taking a new job etc. before they actually do it. As a resident parent, I can’t just jump in and make changes to my life without considering the impact it will have on my children. Why shouldn’t my ex have to do the same?

So glad it's not just me who feels this way.

Wrt non step parents posting on the board - sometimes a thread title pops up in active, people don't always look at the board and just click on what sparks their curiosity. Or they have been the stepkids.
It's important to get the views of non step parents as it stops the board becomming an echo chamber.

Personally, I think that if the kids have had a holiday with their rp, it isn't the end of the world if they don't always get one with the nrp. So long as they do sometimes and generally feel included and part of the family. Even in non blended families, as kids get older they don't always want to go away with parents and the younger kids in the family, so no hard and fast rule on that imo.

That said, it seems that quite a few people want to concrntrate on their new unit and ignore that their spouse has existing commitments - they have more kids then think it's okay to cut financial support to the first family. Or they think they can make choices with complete freedom and not take into account how this might impact on their spouses children. But really, the fault is with the parent, who selfishly goes through life, not considering their own children rather thsn the step parent.

My tuppence worth? We all know who the non-supportive posters are on these boards. Ignore em. I agree they have their own agendas and some of them I believe are not SP’s but first wives/ partners/ husbands who scan head boards regularly. I was at a party about a year ago and didn’t know many people but similar age to me so a complete mix of divorcees, people in 2nd/3rd marriages, step parents, people happily married for years. As one particular lady got inebriated (and a conversation was circulating about support for divorced parents) she, with borderline glee, admitted to surfing boards like this to pick up snippets about what annoyed step parents so she could learn and do the same. Her ex has shacked up with someone 25 years younger, their kids got on with her, but his woman was hellbent on ensuring she caused maximum disruption to their lives. When I asked her to what intent. She simply wanted the new partner gone.

So to all step parents on here. Keep posting. Ignore the posters who are in your face unsupportive. Being a step parent (and I have my own DC) is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love and care for my SDC’s (technically am not yet a SM) but their ups and downs are exceptionally hard to weather. Especially when you know it is the BQFH deliberately causing trouble.

Special place in hell for all parents who simply cannot accept SP’s in their DC’s lives.

Oh and to posters who come here and get judged. Keep posting. Admitting to your feelings is the first step.

Women who have just given birth and voice feelings of wanting to kill their baby are not vilified for being heartless creatures. Quite rightly. Boards swarm with support urging the women to get professional help for obvious PND.

Why is coming on here and voicing honesty about not liking your SC any different to that? Yes it’s not PND but it is still someone struggling with a life transition and being honest and seeking help. Why they deserve anyone’s judgement is beyond me.

Why is coming on here and voicing honesty about not liking your SC any different to that?

There is a huge difference between honesty and some of the name calling, the anger at the ex, the blaming the ex, the ignoring the fact that their partner was a joint creator of these monsters and is every bit as much to blame as she is....That coupled with the obvious stuff such as moving in with a partner after a few weeks, expecting to change contact schedules to suit the new family set up, intefering with established maintenance amounts etc etc

It doesn’t matter if your the new gf or the ex! A bad dp is a bad dp! I’m sick of hearing sm trying to fix issues that their dp is creating! While blaming the ex wife. I’ve said it more than once, we know when we are dating a guy who has faults he won’t suddenly change, and making him a dad and then adding conditions is pointless, and playing the victim for the next 18 years!
Then they meet a new women and she usually starts getting involved and the the first women starts to forget that he probably hasn’t changed and he’s doing the same with her that he did with you. Making us think that we can fix and change and we are all getting in to each other’s business wrongly.
My dp has a ds, I’m an ex wife have two ds and we together have a lo. I’m sorry but I get so frustrated because I’m reading all this contradicting advice, people making issues and never thinking about the other side. I’m seen as the horrible new gf even though she has a new partner and fines fault with everything £400 CMS was lacking she was awarded £120 ( plus I as a mother know how much dc cost so never told him to lower it but got blamed as if I did), threatens contact stopping for attention usually the night before that one was because he didn’t sound happy, it was 9pm and we were at the bowling all for my ds bday, or because her bf kids have bday so contact has to change for them, then we made plans and it change back again. Then I’m now the mean exw suddenly ( since ex of 10 yrs) because after 2 months of dating his new gf, I’m sick of him cancelling his contact 3 in a month is all he see’s Them. Then when he comes they don’t want to go and I’m pushing them out the door and he has the cheek to say I’m upset because if his new gf.

I hoped this site was for people to give real advice not always nice but objective. Instead it fuels people already jaded thoughts and gives them more excuses for there shit behaviour.
I’m not perfect, and I see it sound like I’m the victim in this thread, but I’m not, I just can’t deal with the drama.
My dad says I’m to understanding, because I get my dp ex is jealous but when I say you can meet me and my boys and you tell my dp mother I was texting abuse I’m not going to be extremely friendly anymore. Which makes it harder for you. When I tell my ex h I want the boys to get on with the new women and him, more free time for me ( tho I have a lo) he just think it will happen and doesn’t make a effort.
You can do right for wrong in the dating world!!!!

Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent, my ds didn’t go to his dads and his dad text ok. I love my 3 ds but after a week away I want to sit down for 5. I wish my exh was a Disney dad, or has a sm who wants to play mummy! Just for five bloody minute.

I can’t just jump in and make changes to my life without considering the impact it will have on my children. Why shouldn’t my ex have to do the same?

It's not always that simple though is it? In some circumstances the "ex" didn't choose the way things panned out.

My dp's ex left him and moved away. It really effects my dp that he misses so much of his child's life; plays/sports day/picking him up from school etc. And it's not a case of "why doesn't he just drive up and do it then," because she has made it extremely difficult with a court order to say he can only have eow and a handful of the holidays. She dictates all the terms and barely communicates. Some resident parents are like that and shock horror it's not always a feckless father building his life around another woman rather than his kids, sometimes he isn't allowed the access he wants (no abuse involved.)

So when my dp has a closer relationship to my dc over his own it's because he has more time with them because the resident parent of his own dc restricts the access he can have.

So while she is painting a picture of my dp to her friends about her ex and how he has all the time in the world while she has to sacrifice her own life for the child, what she failing to mention is she is the one restricting the access when my dp would love to do all the stuff dads get to do with their dc.

The bottom line is some resident parents can be absolutely vile to their ex (I don't mean if their ex was abusive) and use the dc as a punishment to get back at them. Not all resident parents are self sacrificing saints bringing up children on their own. Some dads do actually want to be in their kids lives but get cut off at the resident parents convenience.

I think what it come down to is that there isn’t a one size fits all approach for any family and that’s even more true for step familie and blended families; so when people make grand statements about what is and isn’t fair they haven’t always considered the individual circumstances of each family.
Some of the posts from non step parents aren’t very helpful but I think it’s really helpful to see the responses from mums whose child has a stepmother and vice versa for dads as it does show the other point of view a bit more.

Well done OP .... couldn't of said it better myself ...

I must admit I do find some of the step mum blashers funny ... and I can see a lot of my DH exw in most of their posts ... sad really you can only feel sorry for these woman who sit behind a keyboard and attack SMs who actually support their children ... more than likely it's jealousy that not only have they won the heart of their ex ... but they also have won the hearts to their children.

ohreallyohreallyo
.... If you are a childless woman getting together with a man who has existing children then you still don’t have an automatic right to children without considering the impact on the existing ones. And that includes thinking about how big ticket items - houses, cars, holidays - are going to work. The number of times you see ‘I had to get a bigger house/car/holiday villa because of children’ is unreal. ...

You see I don't agree with this at all. The stepmother has just as much 'automatic right' to a child as the first woman and just as much right to want to put her children first without regard to ANYONE else. Just like most mothers. Being second doesn't mean second best or compromise in any way. That is a mothers right.

The person with the responsibility is The nrp not the step parent ! S/he isn't responsible for his ex ..

S/he isn't responsible for his ex

Absolutely spot on.

What perplexes me is why people who aren't Step parents hang out on a board that i had (perhaps wrongly) assumed was for step-parents to offer advice to other step parents negotiating the world of non resident children/step children.

What you mean is that you want a little bubble of people to agree with your ranting, and not to be challenged in anyway. Not how it works.
The "SM's have it so hard, and you're so mean to us" posts happen at least weekly. Perhaps if you posted less utter bullshit you would get less posts about you?

"If you are a childless woman getting together with a man who has existing children then you still don’t have an automatic right to children without considering the impact on the existing ones. "
I am sorry but that is bollocks, I say that as a step mum and an ex wife.

"The person with the responsibility is The nrp not the step parent ! S/he isn't responsible for his ex"

Absolutely!

I do think there are some posters out to criticise as soon as they can.
But I do think that what constitutes as right and fair has no solid rules and can be interpreted differently.

I do think that a second family when there are existing children is the biggest minefield of them all.

My experience is different to a normal step parent that is atypical on here.
I live with my dp and his children full time and it is the mother who is low contact and zero maintenance. She is also very difficult.

I have come to accept with much soul searching this year that I love my step children. I love them so much more than I thought I did at the beginning of the year. I am negotiating a fine line of filling a maternal role without being a mum and it's very tricky.

I come to this board a lot to see what other women and some men are going through to help me to rationalise my life choices. Many would say run away. But I won't because I love them and I made a choice to stick my partner and give his children the best life I could.

We should support one another. That is what this board is for!

"We should support one another. That is what this board is for!"
Totally agree!

Also all women are entitled to a child! But the cost of raising them should account for existing maintenance without begrudging it.
If I have a child it will be my responsibility to pay and provide for that new life. My dp responsibility will be to pay and provide for his children.
And his ex can swan off into the distance without paying for anything

"The "SM's have it so hard, and you're so mean to us" posts happen at least weekly. Perhaps if you posted less utter bullshit you would get less posts about you?"

And you dont think you post utter bullshit, coming on just to put others down.
I pity you.