Step parents and resident parents matter too !

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Having read a number of step parenting threads over the last few weeks related to summer holiday 'issues' . Holidays, unexpected child care etc. I am completely staggered by the hypocrisy demonstrated by some posters against stepmothers in a way it is frowned on other boards.

I'll give an example.
Aibu/relationship post. (I'll précis) I have shacked up with a complete dickhead. He was a dickhead from day 1 but I thought he would change. He is being an unbelievably unsupportive and unengaged partner now I'm pregnant....

There will be loads of posts advising her to ltb but god forbid someone states the bloody obvious. 'Why did you choose to breed with a KNOWN dickhead.' ? . and they will be jumped on. ! 'Why bash someone while they are down' 'Not the babies fault' 'Baby didn't choose to be born'.. 'she needs support not castigation ' . and of course 'it's happened now, she needs to make the best of it for her child'.

Transfer this to 'step-parenting' and a any problem related to the juggling of time and step children. (Especially in the summer holidays) is met with 'you knew he had kids before you had them with him'. 'Should of thought about it before having more kids' (despite the fact that she hasn't had ANY kids, before) . Yes of course you as Step-mother should not expect to take a summer holiday unless you can afford to take ALL the children. Even if this means you yet no holiday nor your children, because your sc might be miffed. Even if they are having a couple of holidays with their dm and dm family. But no, Dsc feelings must always trump Step mothers needs and resident children.
As for a step mother expecting to spend her annual holiday with her DH/DP and not automatically subjugating herself so the Dscs can have one on one time with dad. (Screw the resident Dcs wanting 121 time)
it is looked upon as tantamount to the most selfish act imaginable.

Double standards ?

Perpetrating this myth that all children can be treated equally does no one any favours. Life is not 'fair'. Sometimes it can be worked quite well, sometimes it just can't. All parents (especially step parents) can do is to try and do their best, be kind, and have a fair stab at making it work.

"I believe very strongly that too many people marry and have children quickly and long term planning doesn’t take place. But it absolutely should."

I remember having a conversation with my friend about this who said she wanted to wait before she settled down find the perfect partner, 6 years and two kids later he had left her for OW. I am sorry but sometimes no matter how much you plan, Life happens, things change.

But if a stepmum is working to provide for her children who are you’ve to say she shouldn’t have a child? She’s not working to provide for her stepchildren is she, the dad is

Ermm...read everything I wrote, perhaps?

Would you be happy to provide 100% for your own child whilst your partner provides for his children? He makes no contribution to your joint child because he couldn’t afford another one but you could. I think on other boards he would be referred to as a cocklodger and you’d be advised to leave the bastard.

ah right. We can’t debate without telling people to fuck off. Classy.

Awww I’m sure you’ve heard it all before

I am sorry but sometimes no matter how much you plan, Life happens, things change

Thats a terrible argument for not planning in the first place. Sure shit happens but usually much more shit happens when you fall into everything without bothering to plan ahead and be sensible

Let’s face it, even if he was supporting them you still wouldn’t be happy if he has more children. It’s not just about the money with some people

Ah right, you think you know me because I don’t agree with you. You’re very wrong.

Ex can have as many children as he wants. More fool the women who do that knowing he doesn’t give two hoots about his existing children, though.

What about step parents who already have their own dc but none with their current dp?

I have two from previous marriage, dp has one from previous marriage but none together and don't plan to.

Do us step mums still get a bad rap?

I think second families have more criticism for having additional children even if they can afford it.
The resident parent has another child and no one bats an eyelid. The nrp has another child the world falls apart.
I mean my dp ex is having another child and I felt a huge amount of resentment but then I realised it's her life and none of my business. Let her get on with it.

Why should anyone be criticising other people's life choices?

I am sorry but sometimes no matter how much you plan, Life happens, things change

Hahahahaha! You’re saying that to someone who’s ex buggered off with the OW leaving her pitiless with 3 children!

Would you be happy to provide 100% for your own child whilst your partner provides for his children?

Hold on I never said anything about providing 100%. The dad absolutely still has to contribute towards his youngest children. But the stepmum shouldn’t have to rely solely on him to provide for their children.

Both parents provide for subsequent children in nuclear families so it should be no different in a stepfamily.

Let’s face it, even if he was supporting them you still wouldn’t be happy if he has more children. It’s not just about the money with some people

If one parent walks out and leaves his children for the other parent to raise as a single parent, then goes and has more children who he lives with, is it so terrible his first partner is less than impressed? His first kids won't be too delighted either.

Heron I think it's because there's an assumption that the resident parent is living a life of hardship so it's wonderful if they move on and have more dc whereas it's assumed the nrp is living the life of Riley so going off having other children is purely irresponsible and selfish.

The resident parent has another child and no one bats an eyelid

I don’t think that’s true. Derogatory names such as 2 by 2 or 4 by 4 given to such women would suggest otherwise?

"Thats a terrible argument for not planning in the first place"
Sorry you find that to be the case, but its a fact of life, planned things dont always work out the way you want them to.

You want only stepmothers on here?
A regular to this board, a sm, is always hopping onto lone parents board, shes not a parent. She goes there to attack. To vent her hate against rps.

The whole wahhh its just better ex wifes who were dumped is a load of bullshit and you know what. This board is teeming with better stepmothers who hate the mother.

Again and again we see the same shit, " my dp had kids with this awful woman and now they are horrid brats, shes a shit mother. He is a great dad even though he only sees them twice a month and moved two hours away. And now we have to pay put 100 pound a month to this bitch. What about my kids!! "

Fucking all the time a variation on that.

But that still doesn;t mean you shouldn't plan! Its idiotic, its like saying oh well sometimes you still die even when you are wearing a safety belt, so people shouldn't bother wearing safety belts!
If you are seriously suggesting people should not plan how to provide for kids before they have them because plans can go awry, you're bonkers.

Thank you. Couldn't agree more as one step parent and a biological one xx

"Hahahahaha! You’re saying that to someone who’s ex buggered off with the OW leaving her pitiless with 3 children!"

Shitty situation to be in isnt it.

"But that still doesn;t mean you shouldn't plan!"
Where did I say you shouldnt? I said planned things dont always work out.

The problem is often the same people saying they can't afford to treat the step children the same eg. Holidays, or spare time for then then also expect to have equal parenting when it comes to the 'fun parts' and come on complaining about the ex who is doing the majority of the parenting.

If step children aren't being taken on holidays or supported equally financially and time wise then demanding equal Christmas and birthday time and complaining that the ex wife isn't accommodating drop offs for the 1-2 days a week the NRP actually sees them is ridiculous. They are either fully part of both families or they aren't it can't just be as and when to suit the NRP and NRSP.

Why is it always the mans fault?

The wife leaves him taking the kids; it was because he was an asshole.

If he leaves the wife with the kids; it's because he's an asshole.

In either scenario if he goes and finds another woman at some point and has children then he's still the asshole.

Sometimes women are the asshole too!

Where did I say you shouldnt? I said planned things dont always work out

yes but you said it in response and to argue against people extolling planning. Twice.
You're talking nonsense.

Good point Bounce. There was actually a shocking post recently from a poster who is always very vocal about the father being equal and telling others to go to court immediately and get a contact order or 50-50. In this particular case contact was going to be inconvenient, but there was an order in place. This same poster casually advised that the OPs partner just not bother to have his contact because a court order is to compel the ex but not force the NRP. So even with their constant posts about Dad being equal it's clear that they see the ex as the default who should suck it up if it isn't convenient for him and that Dad should have equal rights but not responsibilities. But then this is the same poster who bemoans non stepparents posting on here whilst regularly posting on lone parenting.

"yes but you said it in response and to argue against people extolling planning. hmm Twice.
You're talking nonsense."

Right back at you hon.

Blimey, I stumbled across this board by accident. I hadn’t realised this was such an issue. It’s a revelation.
I am in the odd situation that the father of my dc split from his wife (her choice), we met and had dc, then after eight years I left and his ex-wife moved back in. So I’m not sure which category she, or I fit in.
My ex & I pay half dc expenses each, he contributes nothing to my home and he has dc about 40 nights a year.
As a mum, the things that piss me off are them leaving my dc in need of hospital treatment for four days, and her trying to smuggle a kilo of chocolate into my house without telling me. I don’t like her leaving dc with a total stranger when she got tired of playing mummy when ex was at work.
But if she was the future woman or the ex or a school teacher or childminder I wouldn’t like those things. It’s not because she’s the ex or the next.
I just prefer dc to be safe and for no one to lie to me.

But I’ve read this whole thread and some of the stuff on here is mind boggling!

I find it really sad, in a close-minded way to think that only SMs should be coming to this board because only their view of the situation is worth considering when one experiences issue with their role as a SM.

I first came here because I had a poor opinion of my kids' SM and I thought it would help me to understand things from her perspective. At the time, I had a very poor opinion of her and her of me. She could have written a number of things that are commonly read here and I'm sure I could have posts similar complaints read on the single parent forum.

As it is, as time as gone by, matters didn't deteriorate on the opposite. I listened to my kids and started to have another opinion of her and it would appear that she did the same. 10 years later and I have a lot more respect for her than for my ex. The kids are older, we have separated lives so no reason to meet up, but if circumstances put us in the same room, I would be genuinely happy to talk to her. I assume that will happen in future family events and I look forward to it.

So yes, I do think you can change your mind about someone but for that, you have to be prepared to consider their own perspectives. That's personally why I post here now, but clearly some people take great offence to it, those posters who are clearly coming her to be told that they could only be 100% right and the ex is clearly the sole cause of all the troubles.

By the way, going back to the first post, I would have no qualms saying to someone who got pregnant with a total loser that she has to face the consequences of her choices. We all do.