Step parents and resident parents matter too !

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Having read a number of step parenting threads over the last few weeks related to summer holiday 'issues' . Holidays, unexpected child care etc. I am completely staggered by the hypocrisy demonstrated by some posters against stepmothers in a way it is frowned on other boards.

I'll give an example.
Aibu/relationship post. (I'll précis) I have shacked up with a complete dickhead. He was a dickhead from day 1 but I thought he would change. He is being an unbelievably unsupportive and unengaged partner now I'm pregnant....

There will be loads of posts advising her to ltb but god forbid someone states the bloody obvious. 'Why did you choose to breed with a KNOWN dickhead.' ? . and they will be jumped on. ! 'Why bash someone while they are down' 'Not the babies fault' 'Baby didn't choose to be born'.. 'she needs support not castigation ' . and of course 'it's happened now, she needs to make the best of it for her child'.

Transfer this to 'step-parenting' and a any problem related to the juggling of time and step children. (Especially in the summer holidays) is met with 'you knew he had kids before you had them with him'. 'Should of thought about it before having more kids' (despite the fact that she hasn't had ANY kids, before) . Yes of course you as Step-mother should not expect to take a summer holiday unless you can afford to take ALL the children. Even if this means you yet no holiday nor your children, because your sc might be miffed. Even if they are having a couple of holidays with their dm and dm family. But no, Dsc feelings must always trump Step mothers needs and resident children.
As for a step mother expecting to spend her annual holiday with her DH/DP and not automatically subjugating herself so the Dscs can have one on one time with dad. (Screw the resident Dcs wanting 121 time)
it is looked upon as tantamount to the most selfish act imaginable.

Double standards ?

Perpetrating this myth that all children can be treated equally does no one any favours. Life is not 'fair'. Sometimes it can be worked quite well, sometimes it just can't. All parents (especially step parents) can do is to try and do their best, be kind, and have a fair stab at making it work.

I think you give very good advice as a rule Swing.

Swing that is a nice post.

Personally I see myself as a resident Mum first to my own dc and step mum to my dp's son second (we don't live together.) When all the children are together they are all treated the same and as said previously, some like this more than others.

I'm not out to be someone else's mum or be superior as a step mum because I have my own dc where I get on just fine, learning along the way.

If my dp's ex sees me one way or another I really don't care.

Of course you factor step kids into your family when you have a family with you’re partner, why wouldn’t you? DS goes away with me,dh and our other dc, he also goes away with his df his sm and sister. Why would he be excluded on a family holiday just because I take him away or vice Versa? He’s an equal member in both families and is entitled to have the experience and memories of going away with both parents.

The dad absolutely still has to contribute towards his youngest children. But the stepmum shouldn’t have to rely solely on him to provide for their children

And so...full circle. You can’t on the one hand say it’s OK for stepmums to have additional children because they can provide and then on the other hand say you expect dad to cough up. Dad is coughing up elsewhere already. Supposing there is nothing left to cough up? That’s my point. You can’t have children in a second family if the money won’t stretch. Great if it does. But if it doesn’t, it seems to me the expectation is always that existing children take the hit (aka mum picks up the financial pieces of decisions she had no bloody control over). Sigh.

Ohreally that scenario happens with the resident parent also sometimes!

Friend of mine had 3 dc with her ex. She left him, got into another relationship very quickly with a man who already had 2 dc (from 2 different mothers.) The ex barely contributes towards my friends 3 dc and went to live with his parents. My friend and her new partner, despite having 5 dc between them and my friend solely on benefits, moved in together after 2 years of being together and had twins. So 7 dc between them, 5 living with them and the other 2 eow. He works and she's a sahm. Her ex still barely contributes.

So sometimes the resident mother also goes off and has other children even though financially she can't afford them without benefits.

It works both ways.

ohreally Do you seriously think there would be none of his wage left after paying towards his children? What man do you know that pays his whole wage to his ex? Whatever he has left he can stretch between all of the children. And I’m sorry but if that means less holidays or less treats for his first children then hey ho it happens in many families.

Thanks HerondaleDucks and LikeIDo1 :)

hey ho it happens in many families
I think it's ok to have this opinion however, it needs to go both ways. Hey ho the older kids need to accept they won't get as much as they used to be also hey ho, the new kids or SKs have to accept that dad/SD has to support his previous children too, so they might not be able to do the activities they would otherwise like to do.

Hey ho all around :)

I think posters project too much of their situations on this board in particular. I understand this is natural but on other boards individuals seem to able to step back and concentrate/offer advice on the situation the OP has posted about. As a single parent and as someone who is about to live with a NRP of two children, I have felt I could have used some advice, particularly early on in our relationship, but felt it wouldn't have offered me anything constructive.
I think having SP's, EW's and stepchildren post is valuable, however it becomes too much of an argument between two sides (roughly split into SP v's EW) rather than offering advice and support.
It is a shame as the number of step parents are increasing, and this could be a supportive, useful place for discussions.

Of course there will be money left over. Even on a national average salary, paying only CMS rates and contributing 50% to household costs, putting a modest amount in a pension, traveling to work, having a small amount for going out, clothes, haircuts....it will depend very much on what the partner earns (and continues to earn with childcare on top) as to whether another child is affordable.

And seriously, you can sod off with the idea that it is holidays or treats first children go without. You don’t have one clue what it is to manage a household on a single income with children if that’s the best you can do.

Absolutely swing!
As a mum of more than one child I know this very well. I don’t think my younger children should be in rags because my first child needs clothes and I don’t think my eldest child should eat less because he has younger siblings. All this should apply to stepfamilies too.

And seriously, you can sod off with the idea that it is holidays or treats first children go without. You don’t have one clue what it is to manage a household on a single income with children if that’s the best you can do.

Just saying that luxuries should be the first things to go before essentials. And yes that includes luxuries for the adults too.

Oh I manage a household on one income and treats and holidays are certainly the first thing that goes if times get tough. In fact I doubt we will ever have a holiday, it's completely unattainable.

Just to be clear ohreally, I meant holidays and treats with the NRP. If he can only afford another child by having no holidays then so be it. It was nothing to do with what the RP should be cutting back on. That’s up to her what she does.

As long as the nrp is paying maintenance and isn't reducing it then it's nothing to do with the rp what they are doing, including having more children.

@funinthesun18 in your post why is the NRP he and the RP her? You do realise it could be completely different?

IndieTara Oh I know that, I was just using it as an example because sometimes explaining these hypothetical situations can get bloody confusing. I know it could be either way.

AnnGilbert - if that was directed at me - I am an SM.

Just struggle with the warped opinions that appear on these boards.Mt SDCs are all pre teen - teens -life is not straight forward by any means.

I just do not understand failure to treat RPs and NRPS fairly.

Tbf there is a one particular poster who says she is a AM and very VERY regularly posts on the lone parents board always slagging off RP mums and about crazy custody battles with her DSC mum but funnily enough never posts here. Last week me, DD1, dad and dad's wife all sat together at DD2s leaving play at school and had a lovely time.

Some step parents are fine and good. Some are fucking awful. But some on here seem to think any criticism of any step parent is unacceptable.
Which is obvious bollocks.

But you know, you chose it. You chose to be a step parent. It's usually a thankless and difficult proposition that causes endless problems, but you chose it. Stop imagining you're a saint that no-one can ever criticise

NO parent is perfect. No child is perfect. No human is perfect and that’s what makes us all wonderfully unique.
Lots of boards here are wonderfully supportive. I’ve been on and off this website now for about 11 years and the advice at times has been an absolute godsend. From TTC to navigating the early days with the first baby to nursery guilt right through to support post separation, then back out on the dating scene.

This board, by far, is the most challenging to navigate. Because the reality is that dealing with ‘blended families’, your children disappearing off for contact, new children coming into your life, differing parenting styles, heightened emotions in the DC as they are displaced from one home to another, heightened emotions in the adults as they facilitate transition. It is without doubt one of the most challenging situations of my life.
And as a result, emotions are up and down. And deeply complicated. I’ve never felt so many conflicting emotions at any one time.

It’s hard. For everyone. I’d like to think everyone is trying their best. But I do agree with other posters. Maybe we should all take a step back and try and be more supportive and less projection.

I for one will try from now on.

Totally agree with TooSassy^^

manaftermidnight yes of course we’ve made our choices. Doesn’t mean we can’t come on here and say we’re struggling. Or that we thought it wouldn’t be as bad as people warned us.

As an example, I vastly underestimated how difficult I found coping with my DC when they were in the toddler/ baby phase. People had warned me. I thought I understood. Nope. No one understands the sleep deprivation aside from another’s parent going through the same thing.

Does that mean no new parent shouldnt post on mumsnet for support? I mean that’s akin to someone struggling to conceive saying ‘don’t complain, you chose this, you knew what you were getting yourself into’.

Erm. No. I really never ever fully comprehended parenting until I became one. Same with step parenting. Yes people make choices. Yes they then struggle having made those choices. So what?

What perplexes me is why people who aren't Step parents hang out on a board that i had (perhaps wrongly) assumed was for step-parents to offer advice to other step parents negotiating the world of non resident children/step children.

The name of the forum is " step parenting" I post here (though irregularly) because I am a step child. This means in my opinion I as an adult who went through 1 stepfather and technically 3 step mother (though 1 was after I had children myself so had less of a impact) and I think due to that I actually will at times be able to give a view point many step parents can not see.

In connection to holidays I was the child who didn't get to go on holiday or was only allowed on " part " of the holiday.. It actually still now as a child stings.. I was also the child who had a mother who was a disney parent to my brother when he came to visit (he lived with our dad) and a father who was of the opinion I should " just be part of the family" when I went to visit him.. result was pretty much my growing up thinking I wasnt worth a lot to either of my parents.. It has lifelong results how you are treated as a child by those who are meant to be the closest to you.

Personally I am off the opinion the children of the household (this includes non resident ones) should be treated equally so for me they would either all go on holiday or none go at all.. Splitting holidays if a blended family with no joint children I think is doable as long as it is a equal split (in the case of my father the 1 year they did this x step mother and daughter spent 2 weeks in Greece and I got to spend 2 weeks in a borrowed flat with my father and brother" Yes even now it grates on me as I felt it was so unfair.

It actually still now as a child stings

was meant to be " as an adult stings"