Step parents and resident parents matter too !

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Having read a number of step parenting threads over the last few weeks related to summer holiday 'issues' . Holidays, unexpected child care etc. I am completely staggered by the hypocrisy demonstrated by some posters against stepmothers in a way it is frowned on other boards.

I'll give an example.
Aibu/relationship post. (I'll précis) I have shacked up with a complete dickhead. He was a dickhead from day 1 but I thought he would change. He is being an unbelievably unsupportive and unengaged partner now I'm pregnant....

There will be loads of posts advising her to ltb but god forbid someone states the bloody obvious. 'Why did you choose to breed with a KNOWN dickhead.' ? . and they will be jumped on. ! 'Why bash someone while they are down' 'Not the babies fault' 'Baby didn't choose to be born'.. 'she needs support not castigation ' . and of course 'it's happened now, she needs to make the best of it for her child'.

Transfer this to 'step-parenting' and a any problem related to the juggling of time and step children. (Especially in the summer holidays) is met with 'you knew he had kids before you had them with him'. 'Should of thought about it before having more kids' (despite the fact that she hasn't had ANY kids, before) . Yes of course you as Step-mother should not expect to take a summer holiday unless you can afford to take ALL the children. Even if this means you yet no holiday nor your children, because your sc might be miffed. Even if they are having a couple of holidays with their dm and dm family. But no, Dsc feelings must always trump Step mothers needs and resident children.
As for a step mother expecting to spend her annual holiday with her DH/DP and not automatically subjugating herself so the Dscs can have one on one time with dad. (Screw the resident Dcs wanting 121 time)
it is looked upon as tantamount to the most selfish act imaginable.

Double standards ?

Perpetrating this myth that all children can be treated equally does no one any favours. Life is not 'fair'. Sometimes it can be worked quite well, sometimes it just can't. All parents (especially step parents) can do is to try and do their best, be kind, and have a fair stab at making it work.

I am actually pleased to see this thread is still going; and glad. the complications faced by all adults in blended families (and I really hope I haven't offended anyone with that term but I cannot think of another suitable one) are multiple and so complex.

And yes the summer holiday can be an awful reminder of not having got it right and of asking a great number of new questions which in itself isn't a bad thing except at this stage in the holiday some questions are only going to have been raised because of disorganisation (willingly or unwillingly) and it the effects on this can sometimes be observed in a not dissimilar way to chaos theory.
Emotions are raw and this rises to bouts of jealousy - possibly the most damaging emotion of all; certainly it can cause violent and instant reactions which can be more far reaching and destructive than the action that caused the trigger.

I hope I have empathy in most cases and for most people but what I cannot forgive, nor will I stand for, is parents using children to get at the other parent.

Unforgiveable in my opinion.

Dealing with this right now with my ExH and also with my husband's ExW.

No, I wasn't the other woman!

Just vile vile things being said and seeing our children suffer is horrendous

toosassy I see that this thread has taken on board parental alienation but how on earth do you prove the truth against people who do this?

So many of them are practiced liars - ExH has changed history to suit his needs even though the facts were in front of him. I spent a fortune on lawyers last year but they nor cafcass were interested in his history of DV towards me; ongoing after we split up; and his damaging comments to DS when he sees him and how we get him back together.

Some charities have been helpful but I will be in court soon and CAFcass have closed the file as no immediate safe guarding issues.

Don't know where to turn and sadly, as you all know, there are probably thousands out there ...

"the violence was only against you and not your child..."
I can't deny that question.

However a friend in the police force said to me, that when does the child become an adult that they can abuse?

Sorry but lost and have gone on too long

Sadly, the fact the allegations of DV saw a massive increase after legal aid for divorces was withdrawn unless you were a victim of DV (in some areas in the Uk, the increase was as high as 92%) has (IMO) not helped genuine victims of DV.

The fact that courts are now daily seeing allegations of historical DV and child abuse and it is a known tactic that can massively delay and disrupt contact arrangements, what can I say?

I for one think anyone who makes false claims needs to be punished as for every one false allegation, it makes it even harder for a true victim of DV to come forward.

Who’s lying? The sad truth is that no one, aside from the two people battling it out, will ever know the absolute truth. (And that’s assuming they know reality from the reality they have created in their own minds).

Even family court judges are very clear that when they make rulings, they are not making rulings on xyz happened or didn’t happen. They are making judgements on the probability of the likelihood of xyz happening based on the evidence in front of them.

I find your statement regarding your lawyers odd however. Lawyers are always interested in representing their clients. Likewise, if there was clear fact that proved your EH was lying, why has that not been tested in court by your lawyers?

Facts cannot be changed. If his story does not match the facts, it will raise alarm bells somewhere. Surely? Equally CAFCASS have been all over DV for years. (Unlike only just acknowledging PA).

If your lawyers and cafcass are however telling you, that you have no grounds. Then you have a decision to make. Self represent (or find a direct access barrister to represent you) and take your version of events to court for a family judge to hear.

TooSassy I spent too much money on lawyers last year and never even got to court - no they were not interested at all, even given all the background information. The police were fantastic however and I kept a diary that they gave me and gave lots of advice to keep safe. However, the view of CAFCASS, even given all the information was that there were no safeguarding issues, and, as I said, it was all against me. I do however, understand the day to day challenges and horrific situations that social services have to deal with and I don't believe we are an emergency at all. They do an amazing job and have to focus on saving lives. I can only hope that long term DS be OK. I am self representing, and am due back in court next week for a final CAO but the issues of the continuing bad-mouthing against us and the upset this causes DS worries continues to worry me. I have been given another contact (wonderful charities) to speak to tomorrow and have the back up of the ELSA at school who could see how unsettled DS became towards the end of term. I will rely on the truth and we will keep DS safe in terms of love, care and no negative comments. What the hell goes on behind closed doors. My ExH def abuses his girlfriend, but she will not say - nearly did, but went back to him. My husband is currently putting his DD to bed after we have been comforting her. Staggering and scary the lengths people go to without seemingly caring who gets hurt on they way. sorry to hijack and thanks for listening. Sorry again