How often does your DP contact ex?

[Andrewsgirl]

Hi

Just wondered our often your DP was in contact with their ex?

My fiancé texts his ex wife maybe 5-10 times a day! Is always about the children or sharing photos, I am just beginning to feel like it's encroaching on our lives more that I would like.

We've come away for a weekend away and we're walking along the street last night (he was using his photo to navigate) we stopped at traffic lights and I leant over to kiss him and saw he was replying to a message to his ex. This has happens 3 or 4 times today while we've been sight seeing, they're chatting to each other about stuff about the kids. Nothing urgent, things such as hair cut and a forgotten trial session a sports clubs.

I did tactfully bring it up that I was feeling uncomfortable and my fiancé did say he was worried about how I felt but said their friendship was very important to him as was his ex wife's happiness !!!!

Please don't get me wrong I want them to be friends and have a good working relationship for the sake of the children. I just feel like the constant contact is an intrusion on our time together.

Not sure if I'm being rationale.

Sorry if this isn't the right part of the board but felt like the lost logical to ask other step parents.

Thanks x

I don't think even one a day is needed. Once or twice a week unless there are issues with the child

As much as everyone says it's great to be friends with an ex, there's often too much emotional attachment involved which just isn't healthy long term

@Bananasinpyjamas11 you worded your opinion brilliantly

@Bananasinpyjamas11 you may be projecting your own experience here.
As I posted earlier, my ex partner as myself communicate almost daily about our children, we have lunch together (with kids) twice a month I can assure you that we have completely moved on emotionally from one another.
I do not think about him at all when I don't have something precise to discuss with him.
He could actually be the last man on earth and I would not touch him with a barge pole and I am sure he'd say the same.
Thinking about it, we are both from abroad and have none of our family with us so maybe that's why we feel we are the only ones to discuss the kids with.
I had never thought about it like this.
What I am trying to say is that every family is different and everybody tries to do what's best for their particular set of circumstances.
I do agree though that what the level of communication the OP describes is wrong.

Not projecting at all @Bananasinpyjamas11 - you're spot on! @TwoDots you make the same point as me in that who on earth has the inclination to txt anyone (bar a partner) that much everyday??? Like you my friends would think me nuts!
@Andrewsgirl - how are you doing?

@mummy I do agree I have quite an emotional and strong view, however I wouldn’t dismiss it then as wrong. Even in your own case. I’m sure you might not want to get back together, however daily contact is an emotional connection. And quite a strong one! You think of him enough to contact him every single day. I think it’s hanging on to a vestige, as no child’s activities warrant a daily message or call.

I only do this with my current partner.

I have very, very dear and close friends but I don’t contact them every month let alone every day. And with work, I sometimes have to contact someone frequently and with some of them I’ve enivtably become connected with emotionally because of that.

And also I don’t think it’s about wanting to restart a relationship necessarily (though it is sometimes in my DPs EW case)

I think the very reason it’s very fulfilling and easy for exes to keep an emotional connection is because it will never go there, into the reality of life. And therefore it’s very safe psychologically for you. A prop. Someone in your corner. Someone who you shared very intimate sides of you with. But not safe at all for your current relationship! Who wants a continual Ex contacting your lover every day? No one. Because there’s only one person in a monogamous relationship, that intimate zone. Give that one monogamous relationship a chance!

What’s more interesting is why wouldn’t you reduce contact?

What is more important than making your relationship work?

What needs is the OPs bf or even @mummy getting met? That they would not reduce this.

As there is no valid argument that co parenting needs daily contact.

This thread makes me sad that people are against maintaining a strong friendship with an ex. People have too many insecurities about this.

You don't need a strong friendship to this level with your Ex.

The fact that the OPs fiance has said he wouldn't like it the other way round says it all.

It's not a situation I'd stay in and while I was getting ready to leave....I'd be placing my emotions elsewhere in order to detach.

Let him find a woman who is happy with it.

What's more important than making the relationship work? Is that a serious question... Probably his kid I would imagine.

Going against most here, but if I was secure in my relationship and the messages are all about his DD I wouldn't have an issue. His DD should be the most important thing to him.

I never said the OP' partner was right and my situation is very different.
I have explained it twice and do not feel that I need to justify it anymore or be judged for it.
There is no emotional connection between my ex-partner and myself. It is only a practical one if it needs to be qualified.
I think we are all in agreement that the level of contact between the OP's partner and his ex is wrong and disrespectful.
Now a few people have commented that they contact their ex daily, is not a big deal.
As I said before everybody does what is best for their particular set of circumstances. There are enough parents fighting over access or contact not to criticise something when it works.
It's not because it's right / or wrong for you that it is the same for everybody.
I speak to my closest friend every day but would never dream of telling anybody that no talking to their friends every day is wrong.
Live and let live

i don't think it's that much personally. if my son was with my H and he was an ex H id be glad of the updates and that we had a decent after divorce
relationship and i'm sure he would feel the same.

I still don’t know why anyone would put above a ‘strong friendship’ with their Ex over building a solid current relationship.

What is that teaching your kids? That boundaries don’t exist?

It’s ridiculous that you need that level of contact for your kids. You might want it, but that’s separate from parenting. Be healthy to admit that at least.

I do think it shows how hard it is to move on when you’ve had kids with someone though. It does tie two people very strongly and I understand why most second marriages fail, or have big boundary / Ex / resentments from kids and partners. It’s a minefield second time around!

Both mummy and Mary are speaking as ex wives, not new partners. Neither are saying if they were away with their DP for the weekend that they would mind constant interruption from an ex over non urgent matters.

Again, the viewpoint from the ex and the new partner are worlds apart. Neither are wrong, just different. That's why boundaries are so important

Morning OP.

This is about boundaried communication between your DP and your ex. And open communication between you and your DP.

My exH and I can sometimes literally only communicate when the DC's are with the other parent to call etc and even then phones are passed straight to DC's.
Other times we can have a flurry of messages over organisation of contact schedules when working/ or over school trips etc. And we can go back and forth sorting things out.
So, sometimes I may go 3/4 days with no contact, other times it can be lots of messages in one day. All child focussed and child centred. I can see the communication dropping massively when the DC's have their own phones but we are a few years away from that.

It's not for anyone to say what is too much or 'normal' in this situation.
Playing devils advocate, a lot of men can go through pretty tough situations regarding contact with their children. And all men hear absolute horror stories about other men...so I can well imagine that if you have open child focussed communication and it means kids are happy and contact has no friction, you don't want to risk tipping the boat. Plus he will have other men no doubt telling him how lucky he is, so it will reinforce his behaviours...
Plus he misses his kids, so seeing photos makes him happy.

The challenge is that he's not implementing boundaries (I do agree that the texting when you are away together on what should be a you focussed weekend is out of order). The second part of this is that he (from what I've read), hasn't said, please help me understand why this is bothering you and what it is I need to do so that you're happy.

A lot of men don't use the language we need to hear. Have you tried asking him. Please help me understand why your exes happiness is so important to you? He may not get where you want him to get straightaway...men have to go away and think sometimes.

In your shoes, I also wouldn't be happy. For me it's not even about the frequency, but it's about the constant intrusion on what should be your time focussed on the two of you.

I agree to a certain extent @toosassy your communication sounds boundaried. And it’s difficult to really know where that line is. Instinct helps I think, except in this case most new partners will be accused of being jealous or insecure, unless it is extreme.

However I do think a lot of people have wobbly boundaries, and it is helpful then to have a benchmark of norms. That can then take part of the responsibility off the OPs shoulder. I do think these are too much and a clear sign of dependency on your Ex for a need other than your kids:
Daily contact
Regular weekend or any late night / early mornings
Frequent kids stuff that has no practical purpose
Lots of toing and froing about arrangements that could otherwise be sorted simply
Intimate language ‘our babies’ kisses hugs etc
Being angry and controlling
Allowing Ex to be controlling of you
Excluding the SM from arrangements and events
Talking about your new partner to your Ex and over sharing

Let's also not forget that he didn't deny it when the OP said he stil loved his Ex.

This is simply a case of differing opinions on the matter. The number of texts per day is inadmissible- for some, too many, for others, no problem.

The issue is that OP is not comfortable with the level and timing of communication, and between the three (we’ll, between OP and her fiancé) need to work out what IS acceptable.

OP, take it as it is...two people with shared parental duty, nothing more seedy unless it’s evidenced elsewhere. And talk to your partner. If you can’t be considered a factor, or he can’t concince you that he is being fair, then you can’t continue, or the conditions of your relationship change.

Sessy I don’t think it’s seedy. It’s the emotional connection and dependency. I think it devalues the OPs obvious and totally understandable hurt to say that there are no problems with boundaries here. Her DP will never change if he thinks he’s changing just for her. He needs to see that this level of contact with an Ex will stop each of them being able to move on with anyone.

The kids are just a smokescreen for the fact they are still way too close. Unless they never want to move on. Then who cares?! He can’t have both! It’s not a harem!