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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How often does your DP contact ex?

93 replies

Andrewsgirl · 12/05/2018 17:20

Hi

Just wondered our often your DP was in contact with their ex?

My fiancé texts his ex wife maybe 5-10 times a day! Is always about the children or sharing photos, I am just beginning to feel like it's encroaching on our lives more that I would like.

We've come away for a weekend away and we're walking along the street last night (he was using his photo to navigate) we stopped at traffic lights and I leant over to kiss him and saw he was replying to a message to his ex. This has happens 3 or 4 times today while we've been sight seeing, they're chatting to each other about stuff about the kids. Nothing urgent, things such as hair cut and a forgotten trial session a sports clubs.

I did tactfully bring it up that I was feeling uncomfortable and my fiancé did say he was worried about how I felt but said their friendship was very important to him as was his ex wife's happiness !!!!

Please don't get me wrong I want them to be friends and have a good working relationship for the sake of the children. I just feel like the constant contact is an intrusion on our time together.

Not sure if I'm being rationale.

Sorry if this isn't the right part of the board but felt like the lost logical to ask other step parents.

Thanks x

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 17:32

This sends a loud warning sound to me.

Yes, it’s fine to co-parent but they don’t sound like they have emotionally detached. It is not normal for him to be texting his EX 5-10 times a day. And it’s certainly not normal for him to be texting the EX 4 or so times today while you are with him. That’s extremely rude and discourteous to you. Very disrespectful. How would he feel if you were texting your EX? I can tell you my OH would probably go nuts.

Once a week or in emergencies on child matters only.

My OH and his EW don’t communicate at all (very acrimonious divorce). I say that.... there’s a vitriolic rant from the EW every 2 months or so.

How long have they been split up / divorced? How long have you been together? It isn’t right.

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 12/05/2018 17:41

We've been together 2 and 1/2 years, they've been separated nearly 4 years.

I did say to him how would you feel if I was texting my ex constantly (never going to happen as very acrimonious divorce like your partners) but he agreed if he did he would find it very hard, which is when he tried to justify it and say his friendship was very important as was her happiness, which felt like an odd comment, as if he was able to contribute to this happiness somehow.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Is it great for the kids that their parents are having such close contact? Am I depriving the children of something but saying this contact is intrusive and makes me uncomfortable?

Am feeling very confused!

X

OP posts:
Snowfire · 12/05/2018 17:51

It's good for them to have a good working relationship for their DC but this doesn't sound right, especially when you're supposed be having special time together. he says her happiness is important to him but what about yours?

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 12/05/2018 17:56

That was my thought exactly. I'm glad he's a kind man and cares about his ex wife's happiness but what if it's in direct conflict to mine? My fear is he keeps in contact because he hasn't let go of her or his marriage and he wants and needs this level of contact.

OP posts:
MummyHLondon · 12/05/2018 18:56

The father of my sons (11 and 13) and myself separated five years ago. Acrimonious at first, family court for a year etc... we are now very cordial with each other, whatsapp twice a day maybe regarding with stuff about the boysłc

MummyHLondon · 12/05/2018 18:56

Sorry my daughter pressed the wrong button! Bare with me Smile

KateGrey · 12/05/2018 18:58

It seems excessive. I don’t even text my husband that much. It might be matey and it’s obviously great if they can have a good relationship but I’d feel it’s a bit much even if it was a mate.

PrettyLovely · 12/05/2018 19:01

My dh barely texts his ex at all, That sounds like an awful lot of texting.

MummyHLondon · 12/05/2018 19:07

So yeah, we text and talk almost every week day regarding the boys or if I need help on the home front (eg what Internet provider to get).
We go out as a family regularly and he couldn't be kinder to my daughter (her dad is not around). Gets her presents for instance.
All this to say that as good as our dialogue is now, we are not friends and we would never text each other as much as your partner does with his ex.
My happiness is only important to my ex in relation to the boys' happiness (if i am happy=they are happy and vice versa). What your ex says regarding his ex's happiness is bizarre especially as he is with you.
To be texting when you are together is rude and insensitive.
If my ex-parter texted me when I was out with my daughter's father at the time then he just had to wait for an answer.
You know your relationship OP, what you wrote today is just one side of it.
Best thing is to tell him how you feel and if nothing changes then don't settle for somebody who can't respect your feelings.

HeckyPeck · 12/05/2018 19:12

For me texting and sharing photos is fine, but not when you're out together!

DontLetYourKnickersGoGrey · 12/05/2018 19:16

I'm in the same position.

Been with DP two years but he split with his ex four years ago.

They text probably five times a day, sometimes more. It's only about his DD but I still feel it's excessive and makes me question whether I'm cut out for this type of set up. I have always said I'd like them to have some sort of contact, it's nice for him to receive pictures and updates during the week.

It doesn't matter whether we're out for dinner, chilling on our sofa or even in bed - he'll respond.

It's so hard.

MummyHLondon · 12/05/2018 19:17

Forgot to say... my ex-partner now has a what seems to be his most serious girlfriend since we split up. I do not text him if there is a possibility they are together (eg child-free weekends and evenings). I have no reason to be make her feel uncomfortable and to create tensions between them. I don't know why his ex does that too if you have been going out for so long.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/05/2018 00:55

Big red flag!

This is excessive. Your husband has not moved on and nor has his Ex. You only need to text once a week.

I ignored the signs, the constant texts. 8 years in with our own child, it’s better but still bad enough to be one if the reasons we are breaking up... really sorry to be so pessimistic but you must take this seriously.

Have a word with him. He’ll react badly probably. But be very firm, cut down those texts they are intrusive. It doesn’t matter if every one are about his kids, they scream attention to his Ex every single time. If he does take positive action, then that’s good, but if not, I’d seriously postpone the wedding.

OreoMini · 13/05/2018 07:26

There’s no need for that amount of texting.

My partner contracts his ex maybe once a month.

Spottytop1 · 13/05/2018 08:00

My dh and his ex co-parent and we all get on really well.
They contact each other every few days usually sharing photos or information about what is going on. For example this week it's been 9 messages over the last week.
At first I found it strange and a bit hard to get used to but now it is not a problem.

The messaging between your dh and his ex does seem excessive.

TeddyIsaHe · 13/05/2018 08:11

That is excessive. I speak to dd’s Dad probably once or twice a week to organise his weekend with her. I might send a photo if she’s done something new. There is no need for anymore contact than that.

I would worry they are still harbouring feelings for each other. The fact that you were away and he continued to message her would be a big red flag for me.

SnowedOut · 13/05/2018 08:22

How long have they been split up? Out of interest who left who?
When my now DH and I got together his ex used to contact him all the time.. when they would speak to DSS in the evening she would always find something to chat on the phone about for ages.
As you say OP it started to encroach into everyday things, a weekend away, a nice meal out.
However his ex wife still still had a huge soft spot for him and we discovered that she was convinced they were going to get back together. My DH thought he was just being nice and helping the situation however it was making her think there was a glimmer of hope.

My DH gradually over a few weeks knocked this on the head,and said tactfully that they didn’t need to speak everyday.

Now it’s nine years since they split and they contact maybe once a week tops, DSS is 15 so it’s not needed. DsS knows when he is at each house and it’s more plans about holidays or if she’s away etc.

One thing you could suggest to your fiancé if they both have an iPhone is a sharing folder for photos that they can both contribute too. I do this with my family who all live abroad, you can put captions on the photos such as DS having a haircut etc....
this could knock some of the messages on the head but they can still share photos with each other so they aren’t missing out.

Sproutpie · 13/05/2018 08:30

He should be more caring about your happiness than hers. There’s a big flag flapping in the wind and I know you can see it.

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 13/05/2018 08:41

Thanks I know you're all right. Huge red flag Sad

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 09:05

I posted on your other thread. The level of contact is too much. He's admitted he wouldn't like you doing the same and her happiness is way too important to him.

Honestly? I wouldn't marry him. This won't stop and will drive you crazy.

It's affecting your relationship, but that doesn't matter enough for him to reduce the contact, because her values her 'friendship' more than his relarionship with you.

That's the long and short of it. If you can accept that you are the second most important woman in his life, then go ahead and marry him.

He won't be forsaking all others when you take those vows.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/05/2018 13:15

I know I’m sorry. I wanted DP and me to work so badly, I was so naive! I don’t want you to make the same mistake. Him wanting her happiness is not good at all - it means that he will compromise yours. Her happiness is not his responsibility, he should be a respectful Ex, but with boundaries.

I had a word with DP about why him and Ex were still contacting daily even when we are breaking up, he said that ‘he felt it was up to him to keep the peace and to maintain a friendship’. Which has meant in reality that he will tolerate calls at midnight, her calling him names and telling the kids he’s a rubbish Dad, her sending the kids around to me without asking so I could be a free childminder. You may not have these extra stresses but the emotional connection already interferes with time with your DP that should be special memories. .

user1493413286 · 13/05/2018 13:25

That sounds like way too much! DH speaks to DSDs Mum to organise the fortnightly contact as timings are quite fluid and then if there’s any news or a bit reason to talk they might talk in between but often two weeks will go without that
How often do you message when you’re apart all day? I’m not sure we even text 10 times in a day

Quirkycutekitch2011 · 14/05/2018 07:13

Me & ex text about 4 times a week - all about DS - they are factual not ‘chatty’

CurlyRover · 14/05/2018 09:37

Sorry but I agree this is a big red flag. Especially the fact he says he would be bothered if you did it but then he goes on to try and justify out. Flowers

To answer your question, DP rarely texts his ex. The only time they really text is if one of them needs to swap a weekend or change drop off times. A couple of times a month at most and especially not when we're trying to do something as a couple.

Percymademedoit · 14/05/2018 09:48

I get on really well with my ex, but we chat maybe 3/4 occasions a week (but a conversation within those occasions) we mostly send photos and updates about ds, but I might ask if he’s Had a nice weekend or something too.

My OH also gets on really well with his ex, he calls the kids on her phone every night and they might have a chat and they text daily about the kids.

That said, we are all very much living separate lives and there’s no drama within us contacting each other that much. If any of us had an issue with it, that persons feelings would come first (obviously after the kids) I wouldn’t say the level of contact is a red flag, but his reaction to your upset and uncomfort at it is.