@fireandflames I totally and utterly disagree. Daily contact between exes is unhealthy and a big sign that you have not moved on emotionally from the relationship. Children are a mere smokescreen. I think people can fool themselves that it is OK.
My DP was prepared to let the excessive contact cause a big rift in our relationship. What could be so important about daily contact with an Ex (rather than weekly contact) that you would let it damage your current relationship? What possible reason is there? Unresolved attachment which is going to mark anyone feel that you have a daily relationship with the Ex. Almost everything can be communicated weekly.
I know my DPs Ex still holds a flame for him, and this results in many issues like resentment and jealousy and manipulation all round. It would have been much better for her to have my DP keep the boundaries on their contact. Boundaries are there for a very, very good reason.
My Ex also had unresolved feelings for me for a long time. He’d be quite angry sometimes, and that was part of it. I know his girlfriend had a big issue with the kind of contact that he had with me, like late night texts, excessive communication, wanting to have lunches etc. And she was right. I knew he was partly doing it to hold on to part of what we had, he once loved me very much. Basically he didn’t want to lose me completely and was happy we’d had a child together as there was ‘no one else in the world he’d have rather had a child with.’ This was said when he’d been his wife a few years. This is what happens, the sentimental memories kick in and you can often see your Ex in the fantasy of what you had. It can then compare more favourably than your current, real, relationship. Or that bond over children can feel falsely very intimate, on a day when your current has pushed you off.
It’s just not a good idea. Relationships are very fragile and especially with exes and past kids, very difficult to build a solid bond. A lot of work! They really need a clear space free of daily Ex contact to achieve that.
That’s why I totally withdrew contact to a much more appropriate level with my Ex. I know it would have been so easy to carry on as it was. And it did often give me an ego boost. Conversations about ‘our boy’ did feel intimate and made me feel that I even though we’d separated, I still had a man in the background who would do an awful lot for me, while I knew still had love for me. But that wasn’t good for his wife, or my future! It’s like keeping up an emotional affair. And my Ex did sometimes start to share troubles in his own relationship. That frequent contact provides a bedrock where these, basically disloyal and hurtful sharing about the current partner can happen.
That someone would rather hurt and belittle their current partners legitimate (and definitely not controlling) feelings, rather than reduce (not stop) the frequency of contact is a big sign they don’t care enough about their new partner.
Apologies for the big rant! I think I do feel very strongly and feel for the OP, as my own relationship is irreversibly damaged by it. My Exes marriage would be too if I hadn’t stopped it. It’s not a trivial issue.