How often does your DP contact ex?

[Andrewsgirl]

Hi

Just wondered our often your DP was in contact with their ex?

My fiancé texts his ex wife maybe 5-10 times a day! Is always about the children or sharing photos, I am just beginning to feel like it's encroaching on our lives more that I would like.

We've come away for a weekend away and we're walking along the street last night (he was using his photo to navigate) we stopped at traffic lights and I leant over to kiss him and saw he was replying to a message to his ex. This has happens 3 or 4 times today while we've been sight seeing, they're chatting to each other about stuff about the kids. Nothing urgent, things such as hair cut and a forgotten trial session a sports clubs.

I did tactfully bring it up that I was feeling uncomfortable and my fiancé did say he was worried about how I felt but said their friendship was very important to him as was his ex wife's happiness !!!!

Please don't get me wrong I want them to be friends and have a good working relationship for the sake of the children. I just feel like the constant contact is an intrusion on our time together.

Not sure if I'm being rationale.

Sorry if this isn't the right part of the board but felt like the lost logical to ask other step parents.

Thanks x

Hi @Andrewsgirl - I'm another who thinks this is a massive red flag. There's obviously little emotional detachment between them & as a pp said her happiness is no concern of your dp's beyond how it affects their dc.
Put it to you this way - I have no friend or family member I'd contact that frequently every day (I wouldn't have the time & nor would they) & there is no one I would want to be contacting while I was away relaxing with my dp! So if I wouldn't do that with friends or family why would I do it with my exh???
When our dc were younger exh & I would txt/call maybe 2/3 tines a week. We have a cordial relationship & now they're all teens & older we might txt/call once a fortnight & if there's anything lengthy to discuss such as holidays etc. we email so it's written down.
Definitely do not marry him under these circumstances as you are guaranteed to be unhappy.
Sorry to be so doom laden.

Can I just ask if f he speaks to his dc at all in this time? Or just the ex?

My husband speaks to his dcs daily. One is 12 and has her own phone so contact with the ex is minimal.

The other dc is much younger so husband FaceTimes his ex every day but only to speak to ds. Obviously she's always there though and it's the 3 of them having the conversation.

My ex rings to speak to my dcs every 2-3 days but I just give them my phone and let them get on with it.

I too find it very hard.

Sorry you are going through this op. It would be too much for me.

So have looked on his phone (I know really awful and I should have done this) but there were over 60 photos and messages between them while we've been away over the weekend. All relating to the children but I am absolutely stunned. We have spoken today and I've explained how it makes me feel. He has said it will stop. Problem is that I don't feel like this is the answer, of course I want to stop but feels like putting a plaster over a gaping wound. I think their level of connection is either a reflection of mine and DP relationship i.e. he's looking for some need to be met that I'm not meeting. Or it's a reflection of his feelings to her and not wanting to cut that tie. Or maybe I'm
over thinking things? Maybe the important thing is he's listened to me. My gut is telling me this isn't about him listening to me, there's something else this is about and I haven't got to the bottom of it!

No he doesn't speak to his children at all. Very occasionally they will call. This isn't about the kids is it?? It's about them keeping in contact because they want that contact. Feels like the children are an excuse.

@Andrewsgirl - you're not overthinking things & I would urge you to trust your gut.
That's not normal behaviour at all.
He can listen to you all he wants but unless he's prepared to change what's going on his listening is just that - listening.
It really does sound like for whatever reason he has not fully moved on. Please don't think that this is you not meeting a need of his - this is him not being able to put his past to bed.

@Andrewsgirl sorry op, that is excessive. I feel for you so much.

Especially as he doesn't speak to the dc in this time. He should be wanting to speak to them and not the ex.

My ex will message me from time to time and it's just 'how's the kids?' And my reply is 'yeah fine'

That's the end. Obviously if something's been happening I will tell him.

It's just such a hard situation. I mean you have to learn to let go of each other but not the kids.

This is where some people go wrong. In that they lose the dcs also and the kids end up without a parent.

In this case, it's the opposite. They haven't let go of each other.

My mums with someone but she will not commit to him (move in with him, marriage etc) because....his ex wife moved in next door to her partner.

Somehow she's managed to stay with him but he's always going round to his ex's doing jobs, dcs are constantly between houses (they are 17 and 19 :-/).

They go on a lot of holidays together but that's as far as it goes. But my mum has the patience of a saint. I don't think many could put up with what she has.

This is clearly having a massive effect on you op, I'm really sorry. It's good that you've got it out in the open on how you feel.

Now I think it's just up to him to act on it. He can easily stop the contact. He should stop the contact. The ex might make it hard for him though. But that shouldn't stop him.

If nothing changes then surely you have your answer?

Hugs to you, you sound lovely x

He has said he'll stop the level of contact, but he doesn't see it as a problem, this is about keeping me happy. Which is great, I want him to focus on my happiness, however this is more than that. He thinks this is about me over reacting, he's heard and will do something about it, but hasn't acknowledge there is an issue here and this isn't normal.

Therein lies the problem. If he can't see WHY this is an issue for you it will never truly change & if he honestly can't see that 60 messages to his ex when he's supposed to be on holidays with his partner is both rude, disrespectful & dismissive of your time together then you're fighting a loosing battle as he obviously wants this level of contact.
I really feel for you op - sending you a virtual hug.

He shouldn't be doing it to keep you happy! He should be doing it as he realises it's not normal.

What's it like when they actually have to see each other? Like dropping off the dcs etc?

Do they do school things together? Parents evenings etc?

What's Christmas and dcs birthdays like?

And how do you get on with the ex? Have you met her?

And (big question) is she with anyone else? Has she moved on from your partner?

These things are all quite important imo.

For example, step sons birthday, if he has a party, I will be invited also. And I hate it and the ex's family does nothing but stare at me the whole time but I do go.

The ex will drop dss off with me if dh isn't there. She will text me and I will text her if needed.

Basically what I'm saying is, she knows I'm there. She knows I'm apart of dss and I do my bit for him. I'm not excluded is what I'm saying.

With my dh, when we first got together, his ex used to keep him talking all day long during in collection and drop off times.

I used to sneakily watch from the window and I could see she used to do it. And the way she used to look at him. Like with her head tilted and playing with her hair

Or when I wasn't there, he would come back and apologise he had been so long but she wouldn't let him get away.

I don't think any of this is ever easy for anyone. But there are so many red flags here op.

Also, do either of them ever put any 'x' at the end of messages? Or like the emojis?

Drives me mad when dh ex does that. She always puts 3 xxx when she's had a drink. I once text her back pretending to be dh saying 'please don't put kisses at the end of your messages to me, that's very inappropriate and I do not wish to receive them'

Oh op, I really feel for you. I went through this too with my DP and even just reading your story brings the painful memories back. I'm 18 months on from saying something to him and it's been a long and painful road.

My DP used to have waaay too much contact with his ex. They knew EVERYTHING about each other's lives. He was constantly doing things for her and putting me and our relationship second. They would call each other and text, even on days when they were going to see each other. They would meet for drinks at the pub, she would ring him at work for non urgent things etc. I felt totally suffocated by it. There were 3 of us in the relationship. When she found out he was seeing me, along cane the pouting selfies. She was sending him selfies ffs! My final straw was when my DP refused to come and meet me as his ex was on the phone crying. His ex had a boyfriend too.....so many boundaries crossed.

At first my DP didn't really understand it. He was living in old habits and in fear. She'd always drop it into convo that she might move back to her own country so he made himself overly available so she wouldn't take his dd away. He did start to reduce things though, but honestly it wasn't enough. There was so much damage already done. DP found out that his ex's boyfriend also had a problem with their level of contact and was causing issues in their relationship. The ex wasn't interested in listening as her relationship with my DP came first(!), however it really made my DP listen. He realised this was upsetting 2 people and actually the level of contact and 'friendship' was both inappropriate and inconsiderate of the new partners

It was hard for my partner though. I had to constantly make him think about what was needed and what wasn't. I sent him numerous articles about the importance of boundaries. Now he gets it, I'd say almost 100%. He's completely changed things. I didn't think it was possible 18 months ago, but he's really put our relationship first and I'm actually so proud of him

The ex has not handled it well. In fact, so badly, it made it look like she was never really over it. She's cried on him several times, got clingy, got nasty, you name it. All of her behaviour has pushed my DP away further. She really wasn't over the relationship.

It's been a long road and not been easy. Some days I still struggle but my DP is amazing now. He's very open with me and strictly enforced those boundaries. Occasionally the ex tries it ok a bit but he's consistent. Yesterday he received the first text in 3 weeks

Your DP has to be on board. Keep trying, send him some articles to read about ex's and boundaries, but if he doesn't get it within the next couple of months, I'd not stick around. Good luck x

@TwoDots I know this isn't my OP, however your post is useful. Do you mind if I DM you?

@DontLetYourKnickersGoGrey of course. I'm at work but will reply as soon as I can x

Have tried to speak to him again, and said that I appreciate him saying he'll stop the contact but asked him whether this was because he agreed it was inappropriate and was intrusive and crossed boundaries or whether he was purely doing it to make me happy. He admitted he thought it didn't do any of those things and was only doing it to make me happy as I was the most important thing. He won't accept there is a bigger issue here, which I really feel has to be the first step. Otherwise where do we go from here?

I’m sorry too again OP. My DP also sees no problem in the type and amount of contact with his Ex now, because it is a lot less. I think your DP is taking an easy and fulfilling path for him. Of course it’s great to still have your Ex wanting contact, it makes him feel needed, a great father, and not a failure. It makes him less guilty as of course, Mum and Dad are still great friends. Look at us and how ‘mature’ we are compared to those who not get on with their Exes! It can also help to ignore the problems that led to their break up, was she cross with him for being lazy? For example? But hey she thinks I’m great now, can’t have been that bad.

Except, yes it was that bad, they both broke up a marriage with children. It had to be bad! If they really were able to be that close they would not have broken up.

There’s a strange denial going on between very matey exes. Don’t get me wrong it’s great to be on good terms. But good terms that give SPACE to allow for moving on. That adjusts as time goes on. Often people have contact more when the kids are young but when one gets a partner it eases off.

Put it this way, my DPs Ex, after what, 12 years of separation, kids all 18 and above, will still call him at midnight and message at 6am! It’s all ‘about the kids’ but it’s not. She has periods where she is bored and lonely and insists on his attention. He cannot see it and will deny it totally.

The contact is really excessive. It feels good because it comes with no expectations, no responsibility, unlike your relationship. Which does come with more needs, the need to have space clear in our head of exes. Because it’s a real relationship, and therefore more fragile.

But he must see it crosses boundaries if he has admitted he wouldn't like you doing it?

I guess he’s made the first step.

Ask him to promise you that he will be open about the amount of contact. That it is your business. (My DP started to hide it)

Then keep with the analogy - how would he feel if your Ex sent you 60 texts on a weekend?

Also tell him you need weekends and days where his Ex does not enter his head. That who he thinks of regularly does matter. Which means yes think of kids, no texts from Ex about them. That there is a difference. Be clear you are very supportive of his relationship with his kids.

Maybe agree now together what is an okay level. Cutting it down might be too vague. Then he can’t wriggle out of it!

If it's making you uncomfortable then it's too much and onus is on him to stop and/or ask her to stop.
Personally I go for a couple of weeks at a time without talking to exh apart from confirming drop offs/pick ups/holiday dates etc but we do go through phases of having more contact and not always child related - could be football/tv/nights out/mutual friends etc. He may be an ex for a reason (OW) and I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole even if he wanted to go back but he's someone I was very happy with for a long time with whom I share a lot of history and somebody who is likely to be in my life in some way forever as we have 2 children together so for us it works.

I agree with bananas, you both have to sit down and be very clear about what you're comfortable with and what is acceptable. And he absolutely must be open and honest about communication to rebuild trust

He has made a positive step. I'm not sure my partner could see an issue in the beginning. I will ask him later about his initial thoughts and what changed them. Will get back to you op

He is in total denial, when I first brought it up he said they'd exchanged 3 messages. I asked him to look back and he was literally scrolling through them! They were endless. I think the guilt thing is a good point. He ended it and I think he still feels guilty. Maybe them being so chummy helps him feel less guilty. He said to me that getting divorce was the best thing that ever happened to their relationship for years, it's like he's trying to convince himself that it was a good thing he did and now look- they got on great !

My partner was in denial too. I just asked him about it

He said he didn't know anything different so took a lot of pointing out of things to make him realise his relationship with her was inappropriate and also insensitive to new partners. He said the articles I sent him massively helped as he realised it was his problem as opposed to mine

He's willing to take a step in the right direction which is really positive op

Thanks- I did try to read out one of those articles and my DP just didn't want to know. He said others aren't placed to judge what's normal for his situation !

It’s funny how they are all in denial!

Last month I asked my DP how often his Ex was contacting him. He said, of its fine now, maybe twice a year!

We checked... 40 times in the previous week plus he’d called to her house 4 times...

@twodots your DP actually reads articles?! That’s good advice I’m just slightly jealous, I sent my DP articles he just labelled me as deranged. Which is probably why you are still together and we are separating. .

I guess two dots has great advice, lots of ‘outside’ pointers that can show him clearly how inappropriate it is.

Wow op!

Well keep talking but I'm not sure how open to this he really is.

He really then needs to look at your own situation. He has a partner who is unhappy. Many women would feel the same as you op

Does he want women in and out if his kids life as he's fat to comfortable with his ex?

Bananas, I have (in a way) been very lucky. My DP has taken everything on board and I'm starting to feel a bit more secure now. It takes time as there was a lot of damage done initially

I just don't understand men who will put a relationship with an ex above their current partner. That's equally bad for children if that's their excuse