My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

Ironman it’s not about forcing anyone, no one should be forced to be nice - they shouldn’t have to be because it’s the decent, polite way to act.
Honestly the more you write the more despicable you sound. You think no one should be polite, it’s ok to exclude family members for no reason at all, you cut off your own siblings when they’d done nothing wrong, you feel you’d have no bond if your mother had another child. Honestly I think your views are pretty vile and to be honest not normal for decent human beings.

And nowhere does it say their dad fucked off. Parents separated, that happens all the time. For all we know mum could have left him! He speaks to them everyday several times and sees them regularly so that’s definitely not “fucking off”.
The DSD sound just as entitled, mean and vile as you... wouldn’t surprise me if you were actually one of them 🙄

I get texts all the time from my two adults kids, they genuinely think I know the answer to every one of life's problems (if only). I also had several missed calls in the night regarding a tiny mouse in the uni house, so no, this type of thing isn't unusual! I do however think your DH needs to get to the bottom of what their issues are with you and try and build a better relationship between you.

I find my SIL difficult, but I do not ignore her. I make some effort, to make the atmosphere easy, because she’s my brother’s wife and he loves her.
But you're grown up, that's the difference. His kids are still young, haven't had families themselves, and it would appear quite emotionally dependent.

They could civil with you, come over, say hello, ask your DS how his day went and pretend that they care, but it would be fake. Do you think this would be better? Would you be happier if they acted like that?

What you seem to want is for them to consider you and your son important. You are seeking validation from them, except that the more you are expecting it, the less they are incline to give you. The more your OH 'reward' them with attention when you consider that they don't deserve it because of their lack of acknowledgement of you and your DS, the angrier you get.

It's such a pity that you feel that your OH should choose for you to be happy. You are married, but you are different individuals and he should be able to have a life with his children without having to share it with you. What's a getting together once a week or so, a few phone calls? Would you be as annoyed if this was his brother? I expect not.

My example of my OH's mum is very similar, because unlike your SIL, my OH is in adoration of his mum like your OH is of his kids. She lives only two streets away, and he is there a lot and she'll come over (used to invite herself in, which she doesn't do so often any longer). She has a very overbearing presence and she will call and ask for things from him all the time. I totally honestly don't mind it at all as long as I'm not forced to pretend that I want to be included. My OH is free to adore his mum and think she is the most wonderful woman in the world despite the fact that I think she is a nasty piece of work. I do make more of an effort towards her than your SC do towards you, but I expect that's because I'm in my late 40s and have learnt that it's not worth any conflict. I expect I would have reacted differently in my early 20s.

Let it go because it's actually your attitude towards their relationship with their dad that is most likely making them want nothing to do with you and your DS. I expect they consider your DS as only an extension of you, hence ignore him too. It is very sad for your DS, but hopefully, you do let it go, and as they get older and maybe start having children themselves, they might start to feel differently.

you cut off your own siblings when they’d done nothing wrong, you feel you’d have no bond if your mother had another child.

That was me actually, not Iron.

Apologies then Iron. But still, the rest of what was written is still shocking

I don't think I deserve to be called vile for saying I wouldn't have a bond with future siblings. I never even bonded with my sister who was born when I was 5, let alone 22. It's not something you can control generally.

They are his children . It’s not the same as you calling when they are together, as you are not his child. It’s normal on early 20s to still rely on one’s Dad for advice. As far as them not bothering, you will have to make more of an effort and hope they begin to reciprocate.

I would issue DH with an ultimatum. He sorts this out in his head and in life - maybe via conculing which he seems to need badly to deal with his guilt - or I leave. Your young DS and you should be his prioritises. He can have a relationships with his adult DDs of course BUT it's done around you and DS.
Not the over way around.

SDs have made their choices and you can't change that. Your DH should have your back first but he doesn't...he doesn't deserve you..
Your DS deserves better.
I would tell DS they are his half sisters but not the main family unit. They are adults. Your DSs main family is you and his father.

Flowermug2 I find that so odd. Sorry. It’s your sibling, how on earth could you not bond with your sibling?
Maybe other people’s families aren’t close like the families I know 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s a natural instinct to bond with your sibling

I am with you OP. And I think the reason for their behaviour is their mum.

It is good he is a good dad but he still needs to be a good husband to you and good dad to your child.

It feels like the ex wife just wants to ruin your relationship. I think they should be some limits.

I would issue DH with an ultimatum
An ultimatum for what? That he doesn't respond to his daughter's texts, that he doesn't see them without taking his DS too.

Issuing ultimatums is the most controlling attitude anyone can have. It says 'its my way or no way'. I feel so sorry for anyone who found themselves made to chose between people they love. I love my OH so much and can't imagine my life without him, but if he ever gave me such an ultimatum, it would kill all the respect and therefore love I have for him. I can't stand anyone thinking they have a right to control my feelings.

There is so many posts about women being emotionally abused by their partner on this forum. To me, giving ultimatum is emotional abuse.

Well I'm almost 40, parents still together but I live overseas and have been known to call both parents for advice at possibly inconvenient times even during dinner parties and the like - I guess it's par for the course and nothing personal OP

This is so sad. I do think your DH needs to take responsibility for allowing this to happen

As others have said oh can't force love or even good relationship. However the DSDs should have displayed basic manners.

I think it's sensible you have booked a holiday for DS he deserves it.

So now DH is so worried that they will stop seeing him he never takes DS or brings it up.

Based on how they call him for every little nonsensical matter, I doubt they'd stop seeing him.

Maybe they need to meet the unpalatable reality and have a flounce for a while. They are adults ffs. It doesn't sound like H has the balls to challenge them though. The MIL analogies are irrelevant.

swing an ultimatum for him to sort this mess out. He is entitled to his feelings of guilt and can act on them and run after his adult Dds all he wants but this should not be happening on OP and their YOUNG child behalf. That boy never had holidays because husband is more worried about his grown DDs feelings than anything else. He is feeling guilty about having a relationship and OP and DS are punished for it. It's unhealthy and not how a marriage should be.

Ultimatum is a last resort. It makes things very clear. If he wants to be married he needs to prioritise correctly. If he can't OP deserves to find happiness elsewhere. Somebody has to prioritise a young child DS too and as his father clearly isn't she should. What's abusive about honesty?

Also DH "parenting" out of guilt is NOT good for his DDs and will not help them become independent adults. He needs help to deal with his feelings. Right now OP is just enabling him and suffering in the process.

Honestly the more you write the more despicable you sound. You think no one should be polite, it’s ok to exclude family members for no reason at all, you cut off your own siblings when they’d done nothing wrong, you feel you’d have no bond if your mother had another child. Honestly I think your views are pretty vile and to be honest not normal for decent human beings

I didn't say anything like any of that. If you want to make personal attacks, at least read what people say. You've made all of that up.

No one can force another person into a relationship they do not wish to have. If you think about that for one minute, you agree with me, and you know it.
If you're ready to apologise for the rest of your comments, I'm happy to forgive you.

I can't believe this thread is still going ... I can't believe people think it's okay for an adult child to manipulate. I wonder how the adult child goes about their daily life. I also question some of the posters on here mental health.

@EndofSummer - I think you're crazy! He's your fucking husband. By booking a holiday and basically saying he doesn't have to come, you've let his dd's 'win' and you and DS may holiday on your own, which is both hard work for you, and sad for you and DS.
Having said that I think your DH is even more of an arsehole for saying to you he should have stayed single. I'd feel rejected too!
His DDs are adults! He doesn't need to pander to their every whim. If he and their mum had stayed together he still wouldn't have to pander to their every whim. He's an idiot.

Issuing ultimatums is the most controlling attitude anyone can have. It says 'its my way or no way'. I feel so sorry for anyone who found themselves made to chose between people they love. yes swing exactly, this is what DSDs have done! They have been very clear to DH with their own ultimatum. But they are excused forever, a two tier system, they can make DS feel crap, make their Dad feel terrible, because they are what... more of a human being than we are? Totally terrible view, found your and irons posts pretty nasty and obviously about your own axes against a second family.

All of this ‘you can’t force anyone’ to not be mean is the total opposite of being a decent human being. Step children don’t get a free pass. Neither do guilty Dads. Even though DH has nothing to feel guilty about, his wife had an affair! We have both always made them very welcome.

What is this teaching my young son? That is what spurs me to act now. Of course I’m not against regular contact, I will always support it. However I’m realising how much to the detriment this us of our relationship and DS too. Such a shame, it really doesn’t take much to not be horrible to your Dads wife and son, just an acceptance and a few kind words here and there.

@charley I think you are right. It’s come to the point where I don’t even feel I can insist my own husband comes on holiday with me and DS. Because I know the moaning that will come from DSDs and then the guilt from DH. I can’t face it anymore.

@summertime probably right, feels like a lot of ‘them and us’ which is their Mum too, she often tells them to contact DH about house stuff. The ants for example! Why not tell their Mum it’s her house!
@flowerpot, whitecat, Magda, moodance, bastardkitty, its all, prettylovely thank you all so much. I agree I do need to still, whatever happens, support his relationships with his kids, including calls, I don’t want it to sound like I want him to stop being a father to them, it’s really important. It’s just the whole balance is so off now it’s very stressful and I feel we have very little from DH ourselves, DSDs definitely come first, that’s not right.

@EndofSummer - dp & I are due to get married later this year. He has just started going to counseling as both he & I have become very aware that his guilt over being the nrp to his kids is affecting his ability to move on & he does want to move on.
Dp & his ex split & divorced mutually - he does not live with his kids but he most certainly did not leave them. His exw never worked & he's self employed so they mutually decided that she would be the rp & that he would be the nrp.
All this was fine until he met me whereby his ex began to tell the kids that he had left them; that he'd been having an affair with me (not true - met dp when we were both divorced); that I was taking 'their' money & that he was creating a new family with my kids (again untrue, my kids have a present dad & two parents who financially support them).
Over the last 18 months dp's relationship with his kids has gradually changed to the point where he is very subtly being emotionally & financially blackmailed by the older two (15 & 18). They are not overtly rude or nasty but like your dsds they never phone for a chat or to see how he is - it's always because they want something; they arrange things on his contact weekends (without checking with dp) so they don't have to visit me & my kids; they ignore me a lot of the time when they are here & negate everything I say when they're not ignoring me! If their dm refuses to do something or buy something (on her time) they ring dp & expect him to jump in. The list goes on. I don't think they have to be with me or like me but they should respect their dad's right to move on with his life & that their parents are divorced. For the record he takes them on all their holidays, never misses an access weekend, does all the school stuff & is in contact with them all the time.
But, it has gotten to a point when if they say jump he says how high & he is now recognizing that his guilt over his ex & him not being able to salvage their marriage & splitting the family up is actually very toxic as he's being manipulated by both the kids & his ex who can't accept that it's over & he sees now that they are trying (& almost succeeding) to push us apart.
You're in the same boat & unless your dp can see that you are at nothing. Of course they are his daughters & he will always want to see them & hang out with them but it's a totally uneven relationship at the moment; one where the entire relationship is being conducted on their terms. The only person who can stop this is your dp & in order to do that he needs to implement tough love for a bit & he'll only be able to do this if he stops feeling guilty.
I'm not an exw basher (I'm an exw myself) but I could almost guarantee that his girls have never been encouraged by their dm to see their dad's moving on in a positive light.
When my exh went on to have kids with his new partner my dd was devastated. I invested hours into explaining to her that her dad had not left HER, he'd left ME & that he & I had decided that them living with me 80% of the time was the best idea as we didn't know where her dad was going to end up working. With enough reassurance she settled and is now mad about her new siblings. I know that if I had agreed with her & said yes her dad had left her & 'preferred' his new family to her & her brothers she'd be feeling somewhat the same as your dsds as she would think that her resentment of two innocent kids was allowed & acceptable.
Could you show your dp this thread and discuss the responses with him? Would he be open to counseling?
I think you've done the right thing in booking a holiday for you & ds as you both need it, but as a pp said his dd's will see that as a victory. If your dp is in full agreement with you going away without him then you're on a very slippery slope & the them & us divide will become even greater.
Dp & I holiday separately with our kids - but then we don't have any kids together so it's very different.
💐

The problem here is totally with your husband. In your shoes I would insist on holidays and days out and would make it very clear to him that running off everytime one of his dds snaps her fingers is the quickest way to head towards his second divorce! It is utterly unacceptable that he allows them the power to completely dominate your life.
I'd put it very simply to him - they don't have to see you but in having made that choice, they are not going to get free reign to dictate how you live.
Does your h know what your little boy said about the family tree? That's heartbreaking. I would tell h that my answer to those questions going forward is that no, these 2 women are not his sisters. Sister is a relationship as well as a biological link. And remind him this is a situation that he has enabled.
Your h is motivated by fear that of he doesn't do what they want, he will lose them. He probably feels guilty because they are damaged from his divorce. But he cannot throw you and your son under the bus or he will have a third damaged child and a second divorce.

I wouldn't get angry about them texting - that's normal, but I would get angry about him dropping everything the second the do. If you fix the 2nd, the 1st thing wont be so annoying.

He's pandering so much to his DDs but he doesn't seem too concerned that he may end up living apart from another of his children.