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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

337 replies

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:24

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 14:19

'm not the one 'yelling' at people online. I'd suggest you take a long hard look as to why you're so angry with people disagreeing you & why you're so triggered by this thread but I might be seen as being arrogant!!

I'm neither yelling nor angry. You remain, however, both wrong and arrogant.

PrettyLovely · 09/05/2018 14:30

Wow, Your dh needs to grow some balls!
Totally unacceptable for grown adults to be ringing at 1am about ants!?
Cant believe the amount of people excusing there behaviour because theu are your step children.
Fact is he cant lead to seperate lives its not working, think you need to sit down and talk this out together.

eggsandchips · 09/05/2018 14:32

For me it's the fact they ignore you that's the main thing. That's really not nice. At all. And it's not as if you were an OW.

Quartz2208 · 09/05/2018 14:37

How old is your DS? It sounds like him being born was not handled very well and they acted out (which is understandable at any age) but were not dealt with properly.

Again this is on your DH - he of course has the ability to change it but doesnt. And probably doesnt because it suits him much more for the two sides to be separate

gingergenius · 09/05/2018 15:37

They e got him over a barrel and they know it. This is shitty behaviour from the DSDs. And tjat comes from someone who's dm married 5 times. He's being utterly disrespectful. And so are his daughters. Bollocks would I put up with that behaviour from grown adults.

swingofthings · 09/05/2018 16:31

I am very hurt not to have any acknowledgement from my DSDs that I exist. I make their Dad happy, and I feel that they don’t care about DHs happiness
I think the whole issue lies in these few words. It isn't right, or fair to expect teenagers who become young adults to want to spend time with someone they might not like or care for, just to make their parent happy. I do agree with kids needing to learn that the world doesn't evolve around them only, a concept that your OH seems to be struggle with, but your expectations are on the opposite side of the spectrum with the view that they should make themselves do something they don't want to do just to please him.

I used to go with my OH every weekends to see his mum. Until his mum started to do and say things that were upsetting me. She had no idea that was the case and there was no point of trying to explain why it did hurt my feelings because she would argue that the problem was with me. So instead I started to cut down on seeing her and now only go very rarely. She is intelligent so she has picked up that I've stepped away from her, but I would be very annoyed if my OH was insisting that I should make an effort to go and spend time with her when I don't want to just to make him happy. I wouldn't never stop him to go and see his mum as often as he wishes, but he has no right to tell me what I should do with my time and with whom.

In the end, why should the girls behave any differently to how they are when their dad is clearly fine with it and the only person who has an issue with their behaviour and attitude is OP?

Personally, I don't know why you would want someone to pretend they want to spend time with you and your son. Whether they do or not will not change the way they feel.

sneakysneak · 09/05/2018 16:52

They could be civil, like adults, and if they choose to have nothing to do with OP or their brother, they should expect that to have a bearing on their relationship with their dad. He sounds like a spineless pillock and he's not doing them any favours at all pandering to them and damaging his relationship with his wife.

rainingcatsanddog · 09/05/2018 17:17

I am very hurt not to have any acknowledgement from my DSDs that I exist. I make their Dad happy, and I feel that they don’t care about DHs happiness

What do you mean by acknowledgement? You probably come up in conversation.

With all due respect, you're not the only person to make him happy and has your h told them that he's not happy with the current situation? My guess is that Disney Dad hasn't said anything so they are contributing to his happiness by meeting him.

swingofthings · 09/05/2018 17:21

and if they choose to have nothing to do with OP or their brother, they should expect that to have a bearing on their relationship with their dad
Except it doesn't. He's happy with the way things are, so are the kids, it's only OP who has an issue with it.

If my OH put pressure on me to spend time with his mum when I don't want to, it certainly wouldn't enhance our marriage.

PrettyLovely · 09/05/2018 17:35

Its not the same dynamic swing, Thats your mil easily avoidable.
Her dh lives with her and their child, So the kids dont go round his or see their brother. He will see his kids more than your oh sees his mother so he is forever dividing up his time and by the sounds of it putting more into arranging things with his grown up daughters than his son and wife.
All the 'kids' arent happy though either are they the ds isnt, He is upset by it all his feelings count too!.

They are grown adults it doesnt take alot to be civil they need to grow up.
But having said that it is completly down to her dh in letting this all happen.

I would leave, Then you wont have to put up with it all anymore and perhaps he will actually arrange doing things with your son.

Magda72 · 09/05/2018 18:27

The OP's post about her poor ds and his family tree is heartbreaking & her dp & his dd's should be ashamed of themselves in all this.
If you don't feel you can treat all your children equally don't have any more. Her dp CHOSE to have another child who it now seems is to be left high & dry not even knowing who his actual family is. That child is completely innocent in all this & didn't choose to be born.
I too would be mortified if I thought my children were treating their small half siblings in such a manner.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 18:44

She had no idea that was the case and there was no point of trying to explain why it did hurt my feelings because she would argue that the problem was with me
So basically she didn’t intentionally upset you and instead of acting like an adult and talking to her which would have given her the chance to put it right, you just began cutting her off Hmm She may have argued it was your issue, she may have not, but ultimately you didn’t give her the chance.

Personally, I don't know why you would want someone to pretend they want to spend time with you and your son. Whether they do or not will not change the way they feel
How do you know that? Sometimes giving someone a chance can make you change your opinion of them or how you feel. There have been many people over the years I took a dislike to initially but grew to like them with time. Work colleagues, family members’ partners, friends of friends.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 19:56

if they choose to have nothing to do with OP or their brother, they should expect that to have a bearing on their relationship with their dad

Except it doesn't affect the relationship with their dad.

This is like the stepmum not invited to the SDs wedding thread. The DH/Dad wasn't bothered. It's only bothering the wife.

OP... does your DH know about the family tree comment from your DS? If he knows, he should say something to his DDs. That is simply heart breaking for your DS.

ChevalierTialys · 09/05/2018 19:58

Your poor little boy Sad how awful for him to learn rejection from his sister's right from the off. DH needs to step up here.

MissEliza · 09/05/2018 21:39

Why isn't the dad bothered by them not having a relationship with their brother? Actually they are rejecting him. I know a few people whose parents had children when they remarried. I have never known anyone to not want a relationship with their half siblings.

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 22:00
  • her dp & his dd's should be ashamed of themselves in all this. If you don't feel you can treat all your children equally don't have any more. Her dp CHOSE to have another child who it now seems is to be left high & dry not even knowing who his actual family is. That child is completely innocent in all this & didn't choose to be born*

You're right about the DH but his children don't have any responsibility. HE chose to have another child with another woman, they did not choose it, and they dont have to like it.

You can't force a first family to be happy about and friendly with a second family. When your dad fucks off and leaves you and then decides to do it all again with someone else, you don't have to be happy about it and love these new people who havenothing to do with you, unless you want to.
Thats true whether you are 3, 13, 23 or 63.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 22:22

It's not unheard of for half siblings to not have the usual sibling relationship, especially with large age gaps, but totally ignoring and having no interaction whatsoever, is another kettle of fish.

Actually they are rejecting him

Their half brother? Yes.
Their Dad? No.

PrettyLovely · 09/05/2018 23:00

He didnt fuck off though did he ironman, His relationship came to an end and he still continued seeing his kids.

Original poster
EndofSummer · 09/05/2018 23:48

I’ve tried to talk with DH about this a few times, I’ve tried taking the kids out by myself, tried to carve out some time, tried to include DSDs. I think the ant call was a bit of a last straw, I’m just sick of DH jumping at their every call and me and DS waiting in the sidelines.

I realise it’s not the calls about small things. It’s the extreme separation. DH is not happy about it, he’s often said how sad he is about it, and wishes they would visit. He’s also said that he feels very bad for having a relationship, he feels his kids would be around in his life if he was on his own. He says he feels guilty about this which doesn’t make me feel very wanted.

I’ve booked a weeks holiday and told DH that whether he comes or not, I’m giving DS his first ever break. I’ve also told him that I can’t see a future for us together if this keeps on going the way it is.

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 23:53

He didnt fuck off though did he ironman, His relationship came to an end and he still continued seeing his kids

From his kids point of view; he left. He left them. Thats what they knew. And then when they were teens he had another kid, and stayed with him, and they withdrew.
Which they were and are allowed to do. What are people not getting? These women do not need to be involved with their fathers wife and their kid if they choose not to.
OP's problem is with her husband, not with them. They owe her nothing.

gillybeanz · 10/05/2018 00:03

Your dh hasn't handled any of this well and he hasn't got your back covered.
He hasn't encouraged you and his dc and your joint dc to form any kind of relationship.
I feel sorry for your son, maybe show your dh this so he can see how he is letting his son down.

Original poster
EndofSummer · 10/05/2018 00:05

I disagree @iron and others that it is fine for DSDs to ignore and exclude us. Especially DS. I do feel upset on his behalf.

Close relationships either develop or not, I get that. However being nice to someone costs nothing. Acknowledging someone does not take much. We do it all the time.

On the other hand, I think that Ignoring someone is an aggressive act. It is antagonistic. It is saying that they are not worthy of even the very easy, basic cordial exchanges. Hello, how are you, weather is nice. These words don’t mean much, but it’s saying to the other person, you exist, you are worth a little time, a little respect. It doesn’t really need to go beyond that, if you aren’t that bothered. But it means a lot and it’s not hard.

I find my SIL difficult, but I do not ignore her. I make some effort, to make the atmosphere easy, because she’s my brother’s wife and he loves her. I think it would be awful for my brother if I refused to visit, because of his wife. Or for him to feel that he can’t visit with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndofSummer · 10/05/2018 00:09

@gilly and others yes DH feels terrible about DS, which is why he did stand up for him with his DSDs a couple of years ago. DSD went mad at DH for asking her not to ignore DS as it upset him, and she stopped visiting the house.

So now DH is so worried that they will stop seeing him he never takes DS or brings it up.

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 10/05/2018 00:12

I disagree @iron and others that it is fine for DSDs to ignore and exclude us. Especially DS. I do feel upset on his behalf

You think you should be able to force people to be nice to you instead?
Its not really something you get to disagree with, there is nothing you can do about it.
Sounds like they have their reasons for behaving as they did, anyway, which you gloss over and demean.

PrettyLovely · 10/05/2018 06:15

Iron man he didnt fuck off he didnt leave them, My ex Fucked off out of my kids life he left them in the true sense of the word, Completely separated ties never wanted to see them again and hasnt. It is no way comparable to someone splitting up with their partner and continuing on seeing his kids.
People should NEVER stay in unhappy relationships for the sake of the kids. My parents did and it was awful growing up with two people who argued and didnt love each other.

Op you have done the right thing, enjoy your holiday.

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