Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

When and how to stop paying

31 replies

Piratesue · 05/05/2018 08:56

Have been with dh since dss was 4, it has always been very amicable and tbh i have probably been in touch with his ex than him. They don't really communicate, no big fall out I just think they were very young and they just never did. Anyway dh has paid the amount set by ex , it has never gone up (she has never asked) and we have also paid for extra stuff along the way. As far as I know it's never been an issue.
So dss is 19 and working pretty much full time (And from he says on more than min wage) has been the case for a few months.
So at what point does dh stop paying and how does he broach it? Or as ex has been so reasonable do we carry on.

OP posts:
LittleMe03 · 05/05/2018 09:09

If he is earning his own full wage then it should stop now. Your DH should speak to DSS Mum about it as I doubt she will tell him to stop... she will just continue to receive the money

NorthernSpirit · 05/05/2018 09:56

CMS stops when the child reaches 16 OR 20 if they are in FT education. He isn’t in education therefore it can stop.

I’d write to the mother and tell her the payment will stop.

www.gov.uk/when-child-maintenance-payments-stop

ohreallyohreallyoh · 05/05/2018 10:30

So in 15 odd years maintenance was never revised because she never asked? Why should she have had to ask?

Looks like you can stop anyway.

Original poster
Piratesue · 05/05/2018 10:50

We can stop I am just seeking ideas of how to broach it. We haven't spoken for a couple of years as dss is old enough to sort out coming to see us. And dh and ex never talked any way. No animosity it's a bit odd but all seemed to work.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 05/05/2018 11:00

Given everything has been amicable and it's never been reviewed in so many years, I'd probably say tell her now and stop in 6 months so she has time to adjust.

Handsfull13 · 05/05/2018 11:01

I'd broach it as you are planning to stop paying on x date. Depending on how far away it is is you could always go for his 20th bday. As you seem amicable I would give her warning so she can adjust and make plans.

Keeptrudging · 05/05/2018 11:09

My ex stopped paying the minute DS left school (which DS did without warning). It would have been nice to even get a month to adjust, but he was quite within his rights to stop immediately. Once they're finished education and started work, maintenance stops. There's no need to do an extra 6 months, the ex has already had extra months, it's no up to her to get board from DS if she wants.

NorthernSpirit · 05/05/2018 11:39

Agree with above poster. The kid is 19, been working for a while. She knows this is coming. I’d politely write to her and say this next one will be the last payment.

LexieLulu · 05/05/2018 11:45

You should definitely stop paying, rather than speaking to ex, speak to son and tell him if he needs anything to let you know but he earns now so you're going to stop payments. After that cancel DD

ellaV · 05/05/2018 11:49

What a refreshingly lovely approach you all have had to co-parenting! Lovely Thanks
I would speak with mum, and maybe give her a months notice to keep things amicable, as also gives her a chance to work out her budgets etc.
Then also get your DH to speak with son, work out his income, budget and how much 'rent' he can afford to give mum, and get him to offer it to mum? Bet mum would be over the moon with such maturity from her boy Xx

Fattymcfaterson · 05/05/2018 11:52

Give her 6 months to adjust

Why?!?!

takeittakeit · 05/05/2018 12:02

Refreshingly lovely approach - how the hell do you read that.

Yes it has been amicable - bet a huge part of that is due to the mother never asking for an increase in maintenance in 15 yrs!!!!

People on here are then playing hardball about - why give her any time, just stop, she has ahd more than she should etc - me thinks the NRP in this case probably owes the RP more than a few thousands .
along the way.

OP - I like your approach of consideration, unlike the inevitable bitterness that comes out on here whenever the ExW is mentioned.

National minimum wage was £4.20 in 2003 and is now £7.83 - no increase in maintenance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ellaV · 05/05/2018 12:04

Take it take it - the name says it all my dear!

Candlelights · 05/05/2018 14:36

DH has written his ex an email a couple of months in advance confirming that maintenance will stop on X date for each child as they've finished sixth form. I think email is nice and clear and non-confrontational. No need to give a long notice period - if she misses the money she can start asking DSS for a bit of board money. Even an apprentice wage is a lot for pocket money - he could afford £40 a week for food and bills.

takeittakeit · 05/05/2018 17:33

ellav - why does the name say it all?

If I took everything my Ex should give - I would be getting about £800pcm for my DCS. As it is I get £200pcm - not increased in 5 yrs, despite him improving his salary by £50K per annum!!

There is no takeittakeit in my life- other than the shit that EX deals out!!

I think the OP has the right approach - rather than the hard balled approach suggested by the bitter and twisted on this forum. REspect that she has been short changed for years.

upsideup · 05/05/2018 17:44

I would have stopped paying a few months ago when DSS started working and earning his own money.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2018 18:20

Those criticising him for not increasing it don’t have any reason to believe he’s been underpaying her. If it was a private agreement, which may have been well over the CMS amount, then that’s great and she had no reason to increase it.

OP, she should have been expecting this and planning ahead. He’s a wage earning adult and supporting himself. Your DP can stop anytime he wants from now. If they’re not usually in touch, he should send her an email saying as of x date he won’t be paying child support anymore. It doesn’t require a conversation, only a brief notification if he wants to. It might prevent a “where’s the money” call.

OreoMini · 05/05/2018 18:41

Just send a text that simply says as dss is now 19 and working full time payments will now stop immediately and you will not be receiving anymore money.

Job done.

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/05/2018 19:32

I would certainly give her a few months notice given that he may have been underpaying for years.

takeittakeit · 05/05/2018 20:42

there are very few people who have worked for 15 yrs without a pay rise and the cost of kids has def increased in 15 yrs

lunar1 · 05/05/2018 20:52

I'm presuming the few people saying just stop immediately, don't tell her just tell the ds and why should she get notice don't have any interest in the op and her husband maintaining a decent relationship for the future, you know, for the sake of grandchildren and weddings etc.

Things are amicable and she has never asked for an increase. What's the harm in a few months notice and talking to the ex herself. Thank god I doubt the op will follow some of the terrible, confrontational advice on here.

Ariela · 05/05/2018 21:15

If your DH is happy to carry on paying something, perhaps he could start a lifetime ISA for DSS and pay that amount into it ultimately towards a house deposit, and just let ex know that is what is happening.

OreoMini · 05/05/2018 21:21

lunar1, they don’t speak anyway and clearly lead very separate life’s and have nothing to do with each other so I presume they wouldn’t be seeing grandchildren at the same timeConfused.

What’s future grandchild got to do with anything ? Or even a wedding when the step son may never even get married!

DairyisClosed · 05/05/2018 21:26

If she's is so supporting him then your DH has a moral obligation to help her. Parenthood doesn't stop when a child reaches adulthood.

PrettyLovely · 05/05/2018 21:34

I guess no one knows how much he has been paying so cant really comment on that tbh, He could have been paying £500 plus a month anyway and had lower paid jobs as well as higher paid jobs, They may have not even used the child maintenance calculator he could have been over paying for all anyone knows.
I think if an arrangement was made between them both and never altered and the ex never asking to alter it they were obviously happy with it.

Your dh should talk about it to her and let it phase out I wouldnt just stop it immediately, I also wouldnt get involved in that side of things personally, keep your relationship positive and friendly rather than to bring up things that are tricky to talk about.