When and how to stop paying

[Piratesue]

Have been with dh since dss was 4, it has always been very amicable and tbh i have probably been in touch with his ex than him. They don't really communicate, no big fall out I just think they were very young and they just never did. Anyway dh has paid the amount set by ex , it has never gone up (she has never asked) and we have also paid for extra stuff along the way. As far as I know it's never been an issue.
So dss is 19 and working pretty much full time (And from he says on more than min wage) has been the case for a few months.
So at what point does dh stop paying and how does he broach it? Or as ex has been so reasonable do we carry on.

[caithuait]

He's only 19 so why not give him the money for his own savings.

[MeMyShelfandIkea]

My DH has paid the same amount of child maintenance for a number of years because it's substantially higher than CMS anyway. There's nothing to say OP's DH hasn't done the same, especially as it was an amount set by his ex plus they pay for extra stuff as well.

I reckon give her some transition time (3 months?) depending on everyone's particular circumstances - for instance would it impact on her ability to pay her rent/mortgage? But at 19yo the DS should be contributing at least something towards his keep if his mum needs/wants it.

[CurlyRover]

I would get your DP to send her an email to say maintenance will end on x date.

As for those saying he should have increased it over the years. There was obviously a family based arrangement where ex was obviously happy with the amount otherwise she would've asked for an increase.

[HeckyPeck]

I think I'd contact her (phone call or pop in if things are amicable enough?) and give a month or two's notice. I imagine she'll be expecting it anyway.

[SandyY2K]

Whilst I understand the law is that you stop paying.... I very much doubt your DSS can live 100% off his wage alone.

So in reality, the Ex is still supporting him to some extent. Unless off course he pays his mum some money towards his keep. If he didn't before, he should start when the child support stops.

I'm not for a minute suggesting the payments go on for as long as he lives there BTW.

[lunar1]

Parents don't stop being parents when a child becomes an adult. Their paths including the op will probably cross throughout their lives.

Why be deliberately antagonist when it's not needed? The decent thing is to give the ex a little notice, not just stop the direct debit without a word.

Luckily not everyone strives for the lowest common denominator.

[PrettyLovely]

I guess no one knows how much he has been paying so cant really comment on that tbh, He could have been paying £500 plus a month anyway and had lower paid jobs as well as higher paid jobs, They may have not even used the child maintenance calculator he could have been over paying for all anyone knows.
I think if an arrangement was made between them both and never altered and the ex never asking to alter it they were obviously happy with it.

Your dh should talk about it to her and let it phase out I wouldnt just stop it immediately, I also wouldnt get involved in that side of things personally, keep your relationship positive and friendly rather than to bring up things that are tricky to talk about.

[DairyisClosed]

If she's is so supporting him then your DH has a moral obligation to help her. Parenthood doesn't stop when a child reaches adulthood.

[OreoMini]

lunar1, they don’t speak anyway and clearly lead very separate life’s and have nothing to do with each other so I presume they wouldn’t be seeing grandchildren at the same time.

What’s future grandchild got to do with anything ? Or even a wedding when the step son may never even get married!

[Ariela]

If your DH is happy to carry on paying something, perhaps he could start a lifetime ISA for DSS and pay that amount into it ultimately towards a house deposit, and just let ex know that is what is happening.

[lunar1]

I'm presuming the few people saying just stop immediately, don't tell her just tell the ds and why should she get notice don't have any interest in the op and her husband maintaining a decent relationship for the future, you know, for the sake of grandchildren and weddings etc.

Things are amicable and she has never asked for an increase. What's the harm in a few months notice and talking to the ex herself. Thank god I doubt the op will follow some of the terrible, confrontational advice on here.

[takeittakeit]

there are very few people who have worked for 15 yrs without a pay rise and the cost of kids has def increased in 15 yrs

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I would certainly give her a few months notice given that he may have been underpaying for years.

[OreoMini]

Just send a text that simply says as dss is now 19 and working full time payments will now stop immediately and you will not be receiving anymore money.

Job done.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Those criticising him for not increasing it don’t have any reason to believe he’s been underpaying her. If it was a private agreement, which may have been well over the CMS amount, then that’s great and she had no reason to increase it.

OP, she should have been expecting this and planning ahead. He’s a wage earning adult and supporting himself. Your DP can stop anytime he wants from now. If they’re not usually in touch, he should send her an email saying as of x date he won’t be paying child support anymore. It doesn’t require a conversation, only a brief notification if he wants to. It might prevent a “where’s the money” call.

[upsideup]

I would have stopped paying a few months ago when DSS started working and earning his own money.

[takeittakeit]

ellav - why does the name say it all?

If I took everything my Ex should give - I would be getting about £800pcm for my DCS. As it is I get £200pcm - not increased in 5 yrs, despite him improving his salary by £50K per annum!!

There is no takeittakeit in my life- other than the shit that EX deals out!!

I think the OP has the right approach - rather than the hard balled approach suggested by the bitter and twisted on this forum. REspect that she has been short changed for years.

[Candlelights]

DH has written his ex an email a couple of months in advance confirming that maintenance will stop on X date for each child as they've finished sixth form. I think email is nice and clear and non-confrontational. No need to give a long notice period - if she misses the money she can start asking DSS for a bit of board money. Even an apprentice wage is a lot for pocket money - he could afford £40 a week for food and bills.

[ellaV]

Take it take it - the name says it all my dear!

[takeittakeit]

Refreshingly lovely approach - how the hell do you read that.

Yes it has been amicable - bet a huge part of that is due to the mother never asking for an increase in maintenance in 15 yrs!!!!

People on here are then playing hardball about - why give her any time, just stop, she has ahd more than she should etc - me thinks the NRP in this case probably owes the RP more than a few thousands .
along the way.

OP - I like your approach of consideration, unlike the inevitable bitterness that comes out on here whenever the ExW is mentioned.

National minimum wage was £4.20 in 2003 and is now £7.83 - no increase in maintenance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fattymcfaterson]

Give her 6 months to adjust

Why?!?!

[ellaV]

What a refreshingly lovely approach you all have had to co-parenting! Lovely
I would speak with mum, and maybe give her a months notice to keep things amicable, as also gives her a chance to work out her budgets etc.
Then also get your DH to speak with son, work out his income, budget and how much 'rent' he can afford to give mum, and get him to offer it to mum? Bet mum would be over the moon with such maturity from her boy Xx

[LexieLulu]

You should definitely stop paying, rather than speaking to ex, speak to son and tell him if he needs anything to let you know but he earns now so you're going to stop payments. After that cancel DD

[NorthernSpirit]

Agree with above poster. The kid is 19, been working for a while. She knows this is coming. I’d politely write to her and say this next one will be the last payment.

[Keeptrudging]

My ex stopped paying the minute DS left school (which DS did without warning). It would have been nice to even get a month to adjust, but he was quite within his rights to stop immediately. Once they're finished education and started work, maintenance stops. There's no need to do an extra 6 months, the ex has already had extra months, it's no up to her to get board from DS if she wants.