Will they ever accept me?

[niteandfog]

My boyfriend and I got together via an affair (were not proud of it) but well what's done is done. His children know how we got together and the DS absolutely hates me his DD seems ok/ambivalent about the whole thing. I've told him at last his DS will never ever accept me and that we can kiss the "blended family" dream good bye... I just would to here any stories where the kids actually ended up accepting the ex AP as an actual step parent.

@niteandfog your last post absolutely contradicts “he is still a good father”. No good father, no good parent, would prioritise a relationship over their children. Especially if that relationship is hurting their children, that’s even worse.

I still don't see the relation... He never wants to stop seeing his kids. I've been blamed for their family breakdown which is not 100% accurate we are both to blame. But apparently I seduced him or whatever... The main point being that according to them and what they've told him his dad was perfectly happy until he decided to message me (although they seem to think I was the one who did the chasing which is definitely not the truth as I had no idea who he was when he first spoke to me!) So given that's the case, will his son believe his dad, the dad who "lied to everyone"? Obviously not... To everyone on that end the affair was the only reason the marriage broke down and that's most certainly not the truth.

Right, I’ll try one more time and then I’ll give it up as a bad job.

Who chased who is irrelevant.

Who shagged who is irrelevant.

Who wants what out of you and your man is irrelevant.

You have both put a shag as priority over the feelings and wishes of his children.

Therefore he is not a good father, he’s an arsehole.

Both of you are contemptible for your behaviour.

It's completely irrelevant what stage of the divorce process I'm currently at. Our relationship has for the most part never been about sex, so no it hasn't been about a shag it goes way beyond that, but people will simply not understand that.

And you simply won’t understand that as a parent your children absolutely have to come first or you are failing as a parent.

Well, as I remember it, you were dishing out timeframes in which he had to leave her by, and asking us if you thought she should be made aware of what he was up to. So you were hardly doing your best to walk away and ensure he had the time and space to work on his marriage problems or brought things to an end as painlessly as possible for his wife and kids. Because you are devoid of morals and empathy, however you try and spin this disgusting story.

O genuinely don't understand what's the difference between being fully divorced and almost divorced it's a piece of.paper after all. Anyways his ex has agreed that he's a good father figure so he'll start having access to both his DC again. No more threats that h has leave me

I vaguely remembered that you did indeed give him an ultimatum so his leaving wasn't free choice on his part.

Your OH seems to be doing the same with his son now. Accept that you'll have to be included at least at some point in his relationship with you or lose his dad. Surely his priority should be to see him what happens in a tears time is another era.

The more you write the more obvious it is that your partner is a very self centred person. At three moment it is on your benefit but I expect once things settle it will become to your detriment as it seems to be for everyone else in his life.

swing I actually never gave him an ultimatum. I only said once that I would never be a "girlfriend in waiting". No dates given. I had an idea in my head of when things had to be all sorted as he kept going on (and planned) a trip for April. That date was 10 days ago. I do agree that pretty much that's what he's doing with his son, he has to accept he is his dad and that I'm part of the picture.

"I do agree that pretty much that's what he's doing with his son, he has to accept he is his dad and that I'm part of the picture."

My Dad left us for another woman and we didn't meet her for 6 years. We refused to, you do not seem to grasp the damage that has been done here and these children will blame you for even existing. We are now 25 Years down the line and I still carry resentment that will never disappear. It is embedded. You have no idea of the upset that their mother will have gone through, that the children have witnessed and I can guarantee that they will never forgive you for it. The best you can hope for is that they don’t spit in your tea.

I realise you have mental health issues, and I find reading your posts utterly bizarre. You seem to be completely deluded about how this might pan out.

If your partner now forces his son to 'accept' you, - then it’s another step gone wrong. They will hate you. At the very least, have the decency to allow them to meet you on their own terms, not so it suits you and your new bloke. I am honestly incredulous at what I have read here.

It sounds like you are both doing that thing where you don't give in to children's demands.

Except they aren't demanding chocolate before dinner.

They are demanding their dad be a fucking father first and cheating scum bag to you second.

You will lose both your children. His will be sooner rather than later. And once your daughter grows up and realises she isn't responsible for you happiness, she'll hate you too.

The sex must be absolutely amazing to be more important than your children. Go him 👍

It’s your partner who has to accept that he is his dad, and with that role comes sacrifices. His child doesn’t have to accept any of this. You’ve said yourself that the son has pretty much decided the dad is dead to him. Your DP can try forcing contact all he likes, that certainly doesn’t mean they’ll have a meaningful relationship.

Yes, they have to accept nothing, you have to accept that your actions and 'happiness' have consequences. Very real ones, when you put your own needs before theirs.

They are people.... with feelings - ones that can't simply be shifted because they don't suit you or your partner.

OK it's time that you learn that you mean nothing, nothing at all to these kids and they have no interest in trying to go to know you. Their lives won't be enhanced by knowing you. They don't care about you. You are not special to them.

You're just pushing this all way too soon OP.

Let things settle down and then think about the way forward with the kids. At the moment they're still reeling and probably wondering what else is going to happen.

His son doesn't have to accept anything.
My ex did very much the same as your new man is doing.
He tried to introduce the new gf/ow to our children within a matter of weeks.
They hated her. He would promise them they wouldn't have to see her and he would take them on days out and low and behold, she would accidentally appear on the days out. It was utterly pathetic and he alienated his children, they refused to go to contact days because he continued to lie to them and try to force contact with the ow.
They are no longer together because it was only fun while they were sneaking around, but my children still have a very fractured relationship with their father because he lost all their trust and respect and they still despise that woman.

For what it's worth I think you have a rude awakening coming when you are dealing with this long term. Given your current approach then I can't see your relationship lasting long term. Things will start to crack once the kids don't play ball. I don't think from what you've said that your relationship has a strong enough foundation to withstand it.

I'm not saying that to be nasty but I suspect in 18 months time it will be a very different picture you are looking at.

I only said once that I would never be a "girlfriend in waiting". No dates given.
Ha ha, that is an ultimatum, just said in a more subtle way, although the warning is the same!

Oh dear.