Husband’s ex seems to go out of her way to make EVERYTHING difficult

[MismatchedStripySocks]

I mean everything. It’s so frustrating and wearing when all we want is to enjoy time with his kids but simple requests are met with a flat out NO!

Take for example DH offering to pay for DSS haircuts. This is after her continually sending him to us looking like he’s wearing a toupee with one side shaved at least 1.5 inches higher than the other at the sides. We have gone ahead and taken him to the barbers twice for a tidy up only to be met with abuse. If she’s cutting it herself for financial reasons, we are paying so what’s the problem?

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel.

The woman is a nightmare and drives me nuts

@sophie that’s really sad. Kids have enough to cope with! My DP had to sit down with all of his kids years ago and tell them straight that he could not keep paying for everything. EW used to get the kids to go to
DP and asking for everything, from clothes to books to phones to computers. He paid EW a LOT of maintenance and bought her a house. AND gave her holiday money for the kids. And we had at least one child full time anyway.

Despite that he still buys them their phones, their computers... I wouldn’t mind but we are struggling!

Oooh, is this a support group for exwives? I'm in!
Totally can relate to everyone on here! DH's ex wife is a nightmare but we do our very best to be civil and never badmouth her to SD.
We don't pay maintenance as we have 50/50-she used to give DH half the child benefit. She has never wanted full custody but refers to herself as her primary carer.
We met 2 years after they split up. When she found out I was pregnant, she went apeshit and did everything she could to split us up-she gave the ulitmatum to him-he chose her and DSD or me and my 'bastard.' she then tried her best to 'win' him back despite the fact she cheated on him and left him and dsd to move in with boyfriend. Yes, she left her daughter.
DH, bless him, chose me of course. He got a SHL and divorced her (had to get sheriff to deliver papers tho) and she eventually agreed to carrying on joint custody informally, specifically requiring flexibility.
5 years on, we are happily married and do more with dsd (she admits this). she has new partner and DC, but still tries to manipulate and control. Last year it all came to a head with EW demanding far too much because she couldnt cope, the abusive texts reached new levels. DH stepped up and threatened her with SHL, court and contact order, that calmed her down. since then, contact is done via email. daily progress reports are via text and only about SD.
This week though we've had demands for DH to fix things at SD mum's house. Also texts about our relationship. Again.
Dh has politely reminded her of boundaries. She always threatens solicitors to try and get her own way, so him offering to go to court has taken the wind out her sails. (and reduced her tantrums).
She started some horrid rumours about me 'stealing' her family, which I quickly corrected and has acted spitefully when we take SD on holiday. She tried very hard to turn SD against us, but it didnt work and SD is more aware of her mum now. (not our doing)
Despite all this, I have tried to be friends, and am consistently civil. Nope, she hates me. Fine.
Its SD and our family we concentrate on.
to other SM's out there!

@sothisisnew - that's so sad.
My dp's 3 (18, 15 & 12) are now obsessed with money imo. Their dm constantly tells them she's not getting enough from dp & that he's funding me & my kids (he's not).
They watch dp & I like a hawk financially and are always checking what dinner/lunch out costs, who's paying etc. They query how I can afford my (large) house (inheritance from my mum), they query my work & income & they talk about money soooo much of the time.
Dp told 18 yr old to get a summer job this year - both he & his dm said no as he'll be too tired after the school year!!! Dp is taking them on a 10 day city break this summer but they've just asked him when their proper holiday will be - ie, 2 weeks in Florida or a cruise!!!! Middle guy has actually said he doesn't want to sightsee Paris or Berlin as he needs a rest & would prefer a cruise!!!!
Dp is tearing his hair out as despite his best efforts they seem to be absorbing their dm's attitude to money & work.

It’s just all sooooo draining! The constant drama.

Even the little things. Last Christmas we had all the DSDs around for the afternoon. But the tension! It was horrible and sad really, I get totally ignored. It’s become ‘them’ EW and kids and us (me really, DP is claimed then put down).

As soon as I got my present from DP, which was fairly modest tbh I could just see the disapproval from older DSDs, I knew they were going straight back to their Mum to say how much money he’d spent on me and not them. Such a shame, I’ve known them for years and they didn’t used to take on so much of their mother. One DSD really tries to keep out of it, we have a good relationship, she was the only one to get me a present and yet I could see her sisters were not happy that she’d given me it, she tried to say it was from everyone and they all walked out of the room!

This kind of manipulation is so rubbish. It’s actually poisonous.

I’ve been determined in the last few years to start putting that drama as far away from me as possible and concentrate on my own life with my kids. It’s helped massively to do this. And yet I could still rant as really EW has had a huge negative effect on me directly, through DP and DSDs, she’s got to me for sure but I won’t be dragged down forever.

Thank you! I like this thread- it feels like a safe one!

He is a worrier, it makes me so sad that his mum can't see how much damage she does by saying stuff like that to/in front of him. She simply can't help herself.

There are so many heroes on here trying so hard in the face of such unnecessary BS! Keep going!

Sothisisnew - your poor DSS

Everyone else, I'm relieved it's not just us, but so and that there are so many kids being messed up. Although it's good to see a pp say the judge challenged it.

It’s true some people treat those close to them very badly. And separation seems to trigger a lot of conflict and for some a license to bully their Ex forever. It’s appauling, but I think EW justify it as ‘they were wronged’. If they did not have kids, this kind of behaviour would verge on the criminal and would be classed as harassment.

And yet the fact there are kids makes this so much worse.

@redbus I know I’ve seen the messages DP gets too. They are shocking in their demands, no Hello, Hey, I just think... very curt and angry... DP always replies politely. The last ones were at 6am and midnight and had very stark one liners
‘Why haven’t you called yet?’
‘You obviously have no interest in your kids’
and ‘you obviously don’t care about your kids, you never speak to me, You know where I am, If you give a shit.’

This to a man who sees his kids every single day, and whose kids are also 18 and over. It never stops!

@Bananasinpyjamas11 if your partners kids are o we 18, why does he need to still speak with his ex?

@twodots exactly! I really thought it would ease off when the kids were 18 plus. There have been periods where it goes quieter, and then she’s not getting enough attention off DP. She sent a stream of texts and calls and demanded several meet ups in the last few months because of ‘our babies’ her words. When DP repeatedly said he’s sorting any issues out directly with his kids she texts cryptic messages to say she has ‘information’ and he needs to see her.

Hi OP, you could be me. My DH ex pulled all this crazy stuff despite initiating the split.

Trying to stop passport application etc. To ruin a holiday, saying their suitcases were packed yet empty when opened.... calling the police countless times, saying their Dad wouldn't want them now he had " a new family" it goes on...

His youngest was 9 and we used to say "just 9 more years until we have to deal with her".

Youngest is now 20 and she's still trying to get the children to hate him. Must be exhausting for her

@Bananasinpyjamas11 why on earth doesn't he just block her now? Co parenting is done. I'd be blocking for sure

@twodots two daughters still live with the Mum, and DP is totally in denial about it. We had a really good talk last year, where I asked him to withdraw contact with her. We’ve been to counseling. He started hiding it instead, and minimises it. He concedes with her in the end, as she escalates from the odd ‘sorry cars broken down can you get DD from X’ to texts every day about ‘the kids’ (who she has always left to do their own thing but seems to want to message DP about them all the time), tTo ever increasing contact until she gets attention more from him, tells him he’s a brilliant Dad, and then when he grows more distant she starts it all over again.

Last time he really did distance himself, and she retaliated over a few months until she started saying she thought DD was self harming and she was bringing her up all by herself and so worried etc etc.

I was holding out hope that the bullshit stops when the kids turn 18. Not looking forward to this continuing after adulthood.

DP's ex has cancelled all contact for the last three weeks because they:
Have runny noses
Haven't slept
Have a cough
Are allergic to your cat - they aren't, she's only just found out that we even have a cat and all the allergy tests have come back negative. Apparently that doesn't prove anything, except that blood tests don't show every allergy
Have runny noses and need tissues
Have plans
And my personal favourite
They aren't in a good mood and I'm the only one who can deal with them.

If there isn’t a court order in place, I’d no way be taking them all the way home for one day. I’d just say the car has broken down and if she’s that bothered she can come and collect them for day whilst you get your car fixed.

She can call police and as long as your oh has PR and there’s no court order there’s nothing they can do.

I feel sad that so many of us are caught up in this behaviour, but, like a previous poster said I feel a bit like I’ve found people who understand.

When the texts of abuse start, I get an awful sick feeling in my stomach. How on earth do you get past that? I’ve learned to give her less headspace and to avoid playing the game - but can’t get past the sick feeling and anxiety just before pick up/drop offs ‘in case’ she kicks up a massive fuss etc. Any tips?

@TQBD - I get the same feeling (as I know my OH does). I worry about what she’ll kick off about in front of the children at a pick up and drop off or when an email comes through (my OH said he feels sick in his stomach when he sees her email address).

They’ve been split up almost 6 years, divorced for 5. We’ve been together 3.5 years. I thought it would get better with time in the early days but know I know it will never get better.

My OH & I deal with it by agreeing not to discuss her, and we realise we can’t control what comes out of her mouth or goes on in her home. So let her rant and rave, let her be bitter, let her be vitriolic. I keep in mind that poison is something you take expecting the other person to die but they don’t do all the bitterness really only affects them.

So today I've been running round like a blue arsed fly sorting out 3000 things for ds 2nd bday party he didn't nap and so was clingy and didn't get a minute to myself at his party. Get home, get him to bed and then ss is like will my uniform be ready by the Morning? At 6pm on a Sunday when I've been out the house since like 11am and haven't stopped since. Aghhhhhhhhhh!!

Feel like I am just here to wash everyone clothes and keep them fed sometimes!!!

TQBD My tip is to pity them. I feel sorry for dps ex that she is sooo hung up on him that she has to speak to him and cause a drama. That her life is so boring that she has to start an argument.

Oh I love both of those suggestions.

I’m a detail obsessive, so need to know which doesn’t help... because that starts the what ifs...!

Pity is a good one. It’s the kids I feel bad for though!

@TQBD I get the exact feeling every time that we drop DS off to his mothers because you don't know what she is going to come up with next. Every time she texts I get the same feeling - it's ridiculous! The way we deal with it is by talking about it all after we've dropped him off. My OH said last night that he feels exactly the same, hates seeing her face but we've got to put it in perspective - we have to see her 2-4 times a month and on the grand scale of it, would do anything to see DS.

We have also said that she can't get in touch with us after the long string of messages (abuse) that she would constantly send or just any excuse to send a message. It all got a bit much and if she does text my OH then he will either ignore it or reply to say "You're not permitted to contact me unless there is anything urgently wrong with XXX" That usually shuts her up again and I think she's surprised how strong and united we are.

I've been off here for a few days as it was taking over my head space a little - I was finding myself getting annoyed by things tat happened to us in the past and was affecting my mood. Especially being 20 weeks pregnant, my emotions were all over the place..

Hope you're all getting on okay! xx

I spoke to soon! We brought SS a new uniform, shirts, trousers and took him to get his haircut because his uniform looked scruffy was a funny grey colour and all too small. Even though we pay her a lot in maintenance, she didn't even think to buy a new uniform. We were actually really embarrassed that he had been sent to school like that.

So anyway.. we brought him all these new things because we knew she wouldn't, sent them back last night and of course we have had a message this morning saying how dare we buy him a new top that 'he doesn't like' and tat 'how dare us question how she sends him to school'. Completely forgetting the fact of putting him first and being annoyed because we went out and brought him a new uniform.

How can that be reasonable?!?!

@flamingo that is good advice! I used to think it was a bit crap of me to pity the EW, but she’s so intrusive in my and DPs relationship that I’ve recently started to see her behaviour as needy and pathetic. I kind of wish DP did too as one of my problems is that she’s quite influential and I get a fustrated DP being told that his kids are suffering because of stuff like spending time with or prioritising me. But it does help my own mental health overall!

@ellmae that’s not reasonable, it’s because you both did it, and she doesn’t like that. Pretty mean of her really, but I think people are the most mean when they are defensive.

@northern I used to get that feeling too, often when the kids came round and something about me would come up. It’s sad but now the DSDs are not really in my life but at least that means I’m free of the loyalty to their mum and the huge resentment that went with it. Totally draining!

My DPs exw is exactly this kind of nightmare. They’ve been split up 8 years and we have been together 4.

She is relentlessly revolting. Although she’s now blocked and can email only, it used to be constant barrage of abuse, insults, threats and the jealousy of our relationship is off the scale.

What she has done to the dcs is unforgivable. If they ever come to terms with it all I’ll be shocked.

Holidays are a flashpoint. Literally every single holiday sabotage tactics come in. Every time. DP has had to call the police to get dc let out of her house, she’s stopped them coming full stop, she’s told them a load of lies that cause conflict while away.

I read a book by the guy who set up fathers for justice called the Golden uterus. It’s strange because I know the feminist section on here hate F4J and I understand why but be jeezus this book described exw to a tee!!

I think these women are the female abusers in our midst.

shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden-uterus-complex-15-characteristics-of-the-golden-uterus/