Husband’s ex seems to go out of her way to make EVERYTHING difficult

[MismatchedStripySocks]

I mean everything. It’s so frustrating and wearing when all we want is to enjoy time with his kids but simple requests are met with a flat out NO!

Take for example DH offering to pay for DSS haircuts. This is after her continually sending him to us looking like he’s wearing a toupee with one side shaved at least 1.5 inches higher than the other at the sides. We have gone ahead and taken him to the barbers twice for a tidy up only to be met with abuse. If she’s cutting it herself for financial reasons, we are paying so what’s the problem?

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel.

The woman is a nightmare and drives me nuts

@Magda72 - it irks me that these woman are so entitled. They pine after the lifestyle they no longer have and think they ‘deserve’ to be supported.

God, your OH’s kids are school age and she refuses to work? What the hell does she do all day? Wait until the maintenance stops - then she’ll wished she had a job.

My OH’s EW is the same. Earns £10k herself on 3 days but by the time she gets all her benefits (don’t start me on that) and maintenance from my OH it’s £36k a year (net). Regularly tells my OH in a vitriolic rant that is pathetic contribution.... that would be a pathetic contribution of over £9k a year for the 2 children. She only earns £10k herself. Could work more hours, but apparently all mums who work are bad mothers!

In a years time that massive 3 bed, 3 bath house on her private gated development has to be sold and secretly I can’t wait for her to fall! My OH is dreading it as no doubt he’ll be vilified with the children.

Thank goodness my own mother taught me dignitycand independence! No to relay on a man!

Dp and his ex weren't married but she got their house which she had not paid a single penny towards and he got about 5% out of it and another 5% to be paid when their youngest turns 18 (even though he lives with us) unless she decides to sell and then she has to pay on sale of it.

She gets child maintenance for the child who lives with her and pays us about half back for the child who lives with us. Silly really.

Thing is when he turns 18 she will have to find the money and she's made no provision for this because she's said to us several times she will never have to pay nobody will make her pay.

We've seen a solicitor since just to make sure and she said it's likely well have to take her to court to get it but we'll definitely get it.

She's another one who likes the drama. Always conditions on everything.

We are applying for a passport for dss and needed her details. She said she would be needing the passport when it arrives... erm no I dont think so somehow!!

We need a support group! This is not an ex-wife problem (I'm sure there are many normal human ex wife's out there - oh how I wish my OH would have married one of them) This is a bat crap crazy problem!

OH has recently told EXW that he can no longer respond to her text messages because they are so intrusive and hostile (he didn't say that in those words to her but suggested more effective alternatives that would be beneficial to SD) and her response is that she is now withholding contact unless he replies to her via text. Now the solicitor letter has shown up saying that he's being uncooperative...the irony! When does it end? I have 2 kids with OH who love their sister so much... it breaks my heart to see her being used as a negotiation, and to see them asking where their sister is when she's not been over for 2 months because she's "unavailable"

@starsandstripes111 We went through exactly the same thing around 3 months ago. EW would constantly text, being either abusive or just looking to cause trouble. My OH text and said the same thing and after sending a solicitors letter saying that we have “blocked” her, even though we haven’t, it has now stopped. When we had advice, they said to just make it clear that she can get in touch if it is an emergency for the children or an arrangement but otherwise she can’t constantly contact you as it is harrassament. Hope you get it sorted! It’s such a tricky one but we were advised to just reply to solicitor letter stating that she can’t get in touch apart from reasons above. That was the last we heard as it was honest x

I'm another one who desperately needs a support group 😢 I'm at the end of my tether here wondering how much longer this is going to continue and starting to realise the answer is until either DH or his ex dies.
I am now living with a broken man suffering the daily bereavement of both of his children. Except every day he waits in hope of some form of contact from them. It consumes his life. I am genuinely afraid that he will spend the rest of his life unable to ever be happy again because he blames himself for leaving.

@WhataLovelyPear So sorry to hear that you're going through this.

It is so hard for dads to be put into this situation and it's heartbreaking that someone so bitter can take everything away from them. There have been times where my OH's ex just stopped contact randomly with DS whilst we both were made redundant, living back with parents etc and seeing his DS was the only thing keeping us going.

It is hard to keep strong and keep your head above the sand. Has he tried taking this through solicitors or through the courts?

x

Hi EllMae, he hasn't gone to court. He and ex had a reasonable arrangement until we got married. She actually said that it all had to change because he was getting married (then went ballistic when he told his DC he couldn't see them as often because their mother had said so). Turns out she was telling them he'd lose interest now he'd "got a new family". The thing is, he kept hoping it would improve. The eldest is 17 and the other is 14 so he doesn't think a court order would be of any use - he's trying to build an independent relationship with the eldest now she'll soon be an adult, but the youngest has said she doesn't want to see him. Her mother apparently thinks this is totally normal and fine. It's been so sad to watch - I have two kids of my own and we used to do days out together, or they'd all hang out watching films together. We even went on holiday together just before our wedding and it was working really well.
It's since become obvious from various ranty texts/emails from ew that she's the one who couldn't handle her exh getting married again, but she's worked at it so successfully DH has gone from seeing his kids every weekday (but not overnight) plus EOW before we got married to around once a month now.
My only comfort in this (and its a pretty small-minded one) is that it has messed DH up so much he can barely work so the maintenance he pays is a lot less than it would have been if she'd played fair. On the other hand, we have a pretty low standard of living too

@WhataLovelyPear - I can totally identify with this. My & my kids', tenuous relationship with my dp's kids (all teens) was gradually improving until we got engaged a few months ago with the intention of getting married this autumn.
Dp's exw who was always problematic then got even worse - told (& keeps telling) his kids that their dad has finally deserted them fully (theirs was a mutual split) & that he's got a new family now & has lost all interest in them.
Dp still sees his kids eow but his relationship with them has become very strained due to the crap she spews at the kids. If dp & I go away together she tells the kids he's lying to them; that of course we took my kids & left them out. She tells them he refuses to give her money (he does but only extra money - pays her over 10k per annum per child) & as a result she can't have a holiday & is exhausted from having to do everything (she refuses to work). She wanted me nowhere near the kids but now that we're engaged if I take myself & my kids off for a day/weekend so as dp can have alone time with his kids she tells them that I obviously don't want to spend time with them & that I'm treating my kids with money that should be theirs (not true). She recently phone dp & in front of the youngest asked dp if 'her' kids would be invited to our wedding as it's obvious I don't like them & don't want them around! IN FRONT OF A 12 YR OLD!
The woman is TOXIC & the kids seem to be assimilating her thoughts.
It's an awful situation & it's putting strain on everyone including my kids who are being named and (wrongly) shamed by a woman who doesn't even know them!

i can empathise with the above too. Dp's ex says everything in front of the kids. She has punched dp in the face in the street in front of their kids. Told DP she was going to have him killed in front of her kids.

She doesn't think about what impact this is having on them at all. She has told multiple lies to them, especially her daughter who was 11 at the time, including how DP was cheating on her with me (I never even knew him when we were together), how he would run off with me and my baby (which actually was not my baby, she had seen a picture of me holding a family members baby on facebook and assumed he was mine) when we moved in together she told the kids they wouldn't be welcome.

When we had a baby she told the youngest that we wouldn't want to see him any more because we had a more important baby now.

Its fucking ridiculous and she has pushed her son away so much that he now lives with us. She kicked off about that too and told him she would mother his (adult) brother back in, which she did, the day he moved out, and now he doesn't even have a bedroom at her house. He sleeps on the sofa.

What another poster above (Sorry cant remember name now) said about it only ending when one of them dies resonates with me. I cant imagine this will ever end because she just will not stop.

Everything causes a drama. Everything.

If we ever got married I dread to think what would happen. She would be the moron who turns up and shouts yes when they say "does anyone know any reason why flamingo and flamingodp shouldn't get married"

she'd be all like because he loves meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I can see it. Seriously!

@flamingofridays hahaha I had to laugh at that last sentence because I can definitely imagine my partners EW saying/doing exactly the same thing!! I can't wait to see her reaction when we get engaged. (When she found out about us having a baby she told DS that he would no longer get any attention and that daddy would have a new favourite. Completely unfair seen as OH is extremely close to 5 year old DS.

Why do these women still think they have all of the control? It is crazy. I've always promised myself if I split up with my partner, we would do absolutely everything to make sure our baby was happy and felt loved in both homes!

Yes @Redbus1030 - I also don't have the experience of kids waking up to their dm's (dp's exw) antics. If anything I'd say she's worked them so well over the last few months that they'll never see it.
She also told them that dp was having an affair with me & that's why he left them all. Dp & I met when we were both DIVORCED! Having separated & divorced mutually it's like she has now totally rewritten everything in her head to place herself as the victim.
Dp is self employed in a very hands on manual job & he recently said to me he thinks she was happy to divorce so that she'd have a nice new house in town with no out buildings or mess or equipment anywhere & plenty of cash in her own bank account, but that she believed things would carry on as normal without her having to deal with his mess or 'share' the weekly income.
Once he met me & it became clear that we were serious she then panicked, threw her toys out of the pram & started stamping her foot as she realized her little lackey was moving on with a life that didn't include her.
It's just pathetic.

Yep, same here! My OH has been split up / divorced over 5.5 years but she can’t get over herself. In the early days I thought it would get easier but it hasn’t and i’ve come to the realisation that it will never get any better.

How any woman can hate a man more than they love and respect their own children baffles me. For 2 years she used the kids as weapons and dictated when my OH could see them. She stop the kids seeing him for weeks on end (I remember 6 weeks at one time). It broke my OH and the kids were upset. She wouldn’t let my OH even speak (let alone see) my OH on there birthdays. The kids think the sun shines out of her backside and she regularly tells us what a wounderful mother she is. Personally I think she’s mentally unhinged.

When my OH and I got engaged she told their 11 year old daughter ‘not to worry, it won’t last).

I fear she’ll pull a stunt at our wedding. Turn up and cause trouble or stop the children coming so we’re keeping the date secret

We thought her getting a boyfriend would help things, but it hasn’t. Poor bastard. She still sends her vitriolic rants. It’s a shame she doesn’t use that energy focussing on her own relationship!

Thanks for the opportunity to vent ladies. It’s sad that there are so many of us out there suffering the same thing!

@Redbus1030 - we’ve also talked about going away as she’s an absolute nut case and she’s don’t trust that she won’t pull a stunt or poison the kids. My OH is desperate to have them there on the day as he wants them involved.

When we got engaged my OH told the children himself and then before the kids arrived home emailed her (so she was prepared for the news). She also went ballistic. Something along the lines of how dare he get engaged without consulting her. WTF? I actually think she thinks he ‘belongs’ to her!

I think you are right that they hide their madness! She goes on and on.... in 4 years i’ve never seen a polite word written or come out of her mouth. God it must be exhausting!

Its annoying that you've got to hide your life away isn't it!! We were both over the moon when we found out we were having a baby (we had been trying for a couple of months) but as soon as we told people, their first response was "how do you think X will feel". I couldn't honestly care less after how she has treated me, my OH and his DS. How do you all deal with this? I constantly feel like I've got someone peering over my life ready to ruin something. It seems like whenever anything amazing happens in my life, my OH life or his DS life then contact is stopped.

We are not allowed to see him or speak to him on his birthday, even though this year she didn't do anything with him. We aren't allowed him on Christmas. Because DS is only 5 it is really valuable time that we miss out with him and with his new little baby brother/sister it would be great for them to spend it together every other year. Plus she just sits in her house on Christmas day doing nothing!!! lazy.

This is such a perfect place to rant !

@ElleMae - you have to get a court ordered contact order, this will only get worse. My OH went through 2 years of hell with his bat shit crazy ex. All he wanted to do was to see the kids. He was paying her mortgage in full £500, plus £700 a month in maintenance plus giving her an allowance (as she refused to work) to keep her happy but she just wanted more and more. When she demanded a £3k lump sum (no idea what for) or he wouldn’t see the kids he said enough was enough. She refused to let me speak or see the kids for 6 weeks.

So he took her to court and the judge gave him a contact order and she got a dreary taking to. Judges are pro contact. It’s taken her power away. Yes, she still plays up - but 3 strikes and he takes her back to court. 2 months ago she demanded more money or he wouldn’t see the kids (their finances have been agreed in court by a judge). He calmly reminded her that children are not pay per view, he pays £100 per month over the CMS calculation, and he doesn’t deduct any travel (which he is entitled to do - valued at £800 a year. He advised her that if she went ahead and broke the contact order he would be informing social services and the judge and he would contact the CMS regarding maintenance. She ‘allowed’ the children to come.

His EW also won’t let the children see dad on their birthdays or over Christmas (as she would miss them too much we were told). Obviously dads aren’t allowed to have the same feelings. A judge dismissed her and they get half and half.

Go for formal contact. It’s the only way, you can not ration with these people.

@ElleMae the controlling aspect is bang on. I feel like my DP is still EW puppet! The intrusion too. EW actually used to have a key to our house and would ‘pop in’

I stopped this however it’s the less obvious intrusions that is are harder.

I agree with @northern with a spiteful manipulative EW the more distance, structure and formality the better it is. So do go to court. Get everything spelled out. All hangovers minimal and simple. Also I would be going for minimal hand overs.

Sorry I disappeared - thought I'd better get some work done
Magda72 the rewriting history thing sounds familiar - it's infuriating.
Northern we had something similar - we'd got married too soon, rushed into it etc, as if we should have asked her permission!

We're going to adopt the three strikes and back to court policy. DP has been letting her away with too much for too long.

I remember having an argument with him, and ending it by saying 'text her and tell her I want £20 per week from her.' He asked why and I said because if she thinks she can control and take up space in my house, she'd better start paying rent.

I find it hard to explain to people in RL what this is like. They either don't believe that anyone can be that crazy, or they tell me that it isn't my problem. How is it not my problem? He's my partner, it's my home, and my finances she's after. What part isn't my problem. I don't even know how he would cope with everything, or how he'd feel if I said I wasn't going to support him as it's not my problem.

Most people just don't understand what it's like when there's a bat shit crazy ex. And I'm happy for them that they don't.

@RepealRepealRepeal - I so agree with you over the RL stuff.
I've a sister who gets it as she has a batshit crazy exh. But aside from her I find it so difficult to talk to my friends (who are either single or married to the same person for years) and I often feel when I tell them something they think I'm exaggerating & yes, they tell me to ignore it; that it's not my problem.
But as you say, it is my problem! Unless you've lived it it's very hard to understand how it feels having you & your kids bitched about & lied about; having your home & space invaded by nasty calls & txts; having EVERY decision you make dissected and commented on by someone who doesn't even know you; having your finances dictated by someone who feels entitled to live of her ex & NEVER contribute to the upkeep of her own kids.
There is no other circumstance where this form of bullying would be deemed acceptable but somehow because she (or he) was the first spouse/partner people seem to think it's understandable because she's still 'hurting' ffs!
I've had people say to me they feel sorry for my dp's ex. I was cheated on & left holding three kids for years until my exh finally got himself together, but because I didn't play the victim very few people felt sorry for me; all I heard wasn't "isn't Magda great & hasn't she come in to her own since exh left"!?!
It infuriates me that these women use the poor me trope to excuse their awful behaviour when the rest of us just get over ourselves & get on with things.
Rant over! For the moment .

@Magda72 - 💐

The latest instalment from the crazy EW......

When we go on holiday we have to ‘ask’ her approval and then send her all the details - including address, phone number, all the flight details etc (it’s a control thing and was worked into their contact order). To be honest, my OH was so desperate to see his own children that he wasn’t going to argue over this minutiae. Of course when she goes away she does what the hell she wants!

So the holiday has been agreed for the summer. We wanted it to be a surprise for the children and asked her to keep it to herself. But oh no..... last night the kids said ‘mummy told us we are going on holiday and showed us the hotel on the website, she said she won’t go there’. FFS..... of course we would never let her know of our frustration. It’s a 5* hotel abroad. I guess when you only work 16 hours a week, no you wouldn’t go there!