Husband’s ex seems to go out of her way to make EVERYTHING difficult

[MismatchedStripySocks]

I mean everything. It’s so frustrating and wearing when all we want is to enjoy time with his kids but simple requests are met with a flat out NO!

Take for example DH offering to pay for DSS haircuts. This is after her continually sending him to us looking like he’s wearing a toupee with one side shaved at least 1.5 inches higher than the other at the sides. We have gone ahead and taken him to the barbers twice for a tidy up only to be met with abuse. If she’s cutting it herself for financial reasons, we are paying so what’s the problem?

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel.

The woman is a nightmare and drives me nuts

My OH thinks he will have to take her back to court for more contact this year so he’ll weave this in.

The current contact order was set up 4 years ago when the kids were 5 & 8. He picks up at 5:15 on a Friday and drops back 4pm Sunday (EOW). He asked recently if he could keep them Sunday night and drop them back at school (she always uses the kids as an excuse, she said the kids didn’t want to.... which is funny as when he subtly when my OH asked they loved the idea). When she said no, he asked as a compromise could he drop them off 6pm on Sunday. She thought about it for less than a minute on email and replied no. Said that the kids needed to be in bed early before school and they went to bed at 7pm (they are 9 & 12 and we know that’s not true).

We get married this year and will ask if they can be dropped back to school on the Monday morning (the wedding is on a Saturday and we have a family event on the day after - the Sunday). Without even asking we know the answer will be no.

My OH has asked if she can do a drop off or pick up occasionally (hasn’t done one in almost 6 years and only works 16 hours over 3 days). She refuses. Was once asked if she could drop them 5 min walk from hers - she said no. On the Friday of pick up my OH wakes up at 5pm so he can drive 75mins to her house. He parks his car, walks to the station and takes a train (40 mins) to his work. He does a days work, takes the 40 min train back to near her house, picks the kids up and then drives them to ours (75 mins). He has never been late and has never missed a contact weekend. She refuses to help out.

My OH plans to take it to court and ask a judge to decide. To be honest I think he’s exasperated and sick of the fight. He’s just a dad who loves his kids and wants to see them.

Is there some sort of batshit crazy course that all these women are going on? Do they meet up and exchange strategies? I'm an ex, I wasn't invited. Should I be relieved or insulted?

DP's ex will not change the pick up/drop off either. Even if it means driving back on herself for 30 minutes. She'd rather drive than compromise. Actually she'd much prefer to do all pick ups and drop offs herself, but I said that she was not to come near my house. I'm not sure if the solicitor told the court, but I said that if she crossed my property line I'd be treating it like I would any trespasser. I'd report it to the police.

Her behaviour has been a mix of crazy to scary. As the children are always sick, the cafcass officer wanted to speak to the drs. She gave him the wrong number, and while he was trying to get the right one, she told the Dr that DP's dB was going to call looking for information, pretending to be a cafcass officer. Then she requested a new cafcass officer as she had a massive 'difference of opinion' with the one assigned and that he 'didn't understand the complexities of their care'.

New cafcass officer has said the same as the previous one. She has no intention of facilitating contact without a court order, and even then she doesn't understand what a court order actually is. She thinks it's just a suggestion and that it's still up to her.

We've also recently found out that the DC had to change school. We knew that they'd changed but assumed it was to do with catchment. Apparently, she had a huge argument with the principal, accused them of failing to meet child protection policy (one of the DC had an accident, not sure why she thinks it's child protection), argued with the teacher, all in front of the other parents, and was asked to leave and enrol the DC elsewhere. We think there was more to it than that, but that was the proverbial straw.

Everything we hear makes me more concerned about his DC. So here's a question for everyone - would you take your DSC on a full time basis?

we have got DSS full time. He sees his mum twice a week. Would recommend it for some reasons, not for others.

to be honest I had no choice in it and am not happy that he lives with us full time. He has taken over my life, through no fault of his own. I have taken on more work, tidying up after him, washing more clothes, cooking more tea. It costs more and what she pays in maintenance is a fucking joke.

Its good in that I know he is being looked after properly, because I know she doesn't but I never wanted to be his mother and yet here I am.

I would say do it if you're ready for your relationship to go from bad to worse. I hated the control ex had over us re drop offs and pick ups and I thought him moving in would eradicate that but it hasn't. She is still very much in control and drops off/ picks up whenever she likes. She ditches him at the drop of a hat, so nothing has really changed.

His attitude when he comes back from her house is revolting and she manages to poison him as much in 2 days as she did in 5 previously.

The only thing that has become better is his school work, but that's actually getting worse again because his lazy entitled attitude is getting in the way. I know this is coming from her because of her preaching about how she never went to school and got pregnant at 14 and look at her now she owns a house and has a job and wow isn't her life amazing so don't bother working hard at school cos look at her why would you need to!

So basically no, I wouldn't recommend it unless the kids are v small to be honest.

I’m mixed to be honest.

Like the above poster says I tire of the mothers control and her dictating and secretly i’d like her to see what it’s lije with the shoe in the other foot (not that we woukd ever stoop to her disgusting low level).

I know my OH woukd love it and I woukd certainly give it a try. However it woukd come with massive caveats. The DSC’s mothers world revolves around the kids. They are her sense of identity.

I don’t have children of my own and I have a pretty demanding career with lots of international travel so the kids woukd need to start being independent. As I tell them when they are here i’m not their slave.

So yes, woukd try it but with caution!

although I never was even asked about him moving in, I was positive about it to start with but now not at all. She sees it as an excuse not to contribute too.

So if he lives here for the foreseeable, I can see that it will be solely us that pays for everything ie driving lessons, car, deposit on a flat or whatever. There might have been half a chance she would have given him something if he lived there.

She wont even give him spending money when he is with her, doesn't contribute to school uniform, wont even pay his bus fair to school from her house.

It feels unfair to me because I never even get a thank you off him. Never, and I probably never will which really, really fucks me off.

Interesting question @repeal (gosh EW seems very erratic and changeable)

We had DSD full-time and it was a disaster for our relationship and my role as SM. EW in my case is not crazy or a terrible mother, but hugely needy of DH, intrusive, entitled and manipulative. Basically my DH she still sees as HER DH. And she takes the easy path. So DH agreeing to DSD moving in was all part of EWs manipulation, she hated to see him move on, wanted to keep control, and really didn’t want to deal with DSD. But if DSD hadn’t moved, EW would have had to step up more. She wasn’t the worst parent, she has regular screaming matches and leaves them all to it. But DP had to keep working and EW continually told DSD not to ever listen to me as I wasn’t her mother. So she had a hatred of me and a serious hole in parenting.

@flamingo oh my I so, so feel for you. I am constantly bitched about by EW to the kids, and now even DP never ever thanked me, no appreciation at all for the years of care and patience I put in.

Even if I bring something up, like remember the time EW was on holiday but got back two days late without telling us, and I got DSD from school crying her eyes out, or the time it was DSDs birthdays and I made the whole room into a fantasy room with lights and food, or when older DSD was upset about her forms and I guided her through them... so many, many, little and big things.

...it’s just dismissed. EW has rewritten history with them.

@Bananapyjamas11 - Jesus... they all need a lesson in manners!

The oldest of my DSC started to loose her manners - no hello when she came over or goodbyes. Just expects me to run round after her (because that’s what her mum does). Unfortunately for her I don’t need children for my own identify and self worth so I detached and my OH religiously picked her up on bad behaviour (apparently mummy told her she didn’t have to be nice to me or listen to me). Well.... in our home everyone is listened to and we are polite and well mannered to each other. No tolerance for that behaviour here. I have to say we cane through the other side quickly.

My latest thing is that at 13 she does very little for herself. Can’t cook anything, can’t make a cup of tea, can’t make or strip a bed.... is this normal for a 13 year old? Apparently mum does it for them (more fool her). I’m not there slaves so they are going to have to start stepping up.

No it's not normal. Dss can make a cup of tea and knows how to cook but fakes ignorance so someone will do it for him. He has to cook at his mum's because she's never there / doesn't do it. He can makes a bed but never foes and we have to remind him to strip it.

Thanks. Thought she might be trying it in. We went out to get to do some girly bonding last weekend and she was all proud that she had cooked dinner. It was cheese chunks on crackers. Apparently mummy doesn’t let her use the oven or hob as it’s dangerous. Talk about snowflake generation....

NorthernSpirit Absolutely not normal. My DD is 11 and can cook a Sunday dinner with supervision. She can do a fry as well. Ds is 12 and can cook as well but doesn't have the same love for it as DD. Both can strip and make beds, and make tea and hot chocolate.

We've been discussing changing the court application from access to custody. But I'm not completely sure I'd be doing it for the right reasons. I feel that if the ew could put her insanity aside, we'd be able to raise, and encourage the DC. But if she can't do that, would we be seeking custody in their best interest, or because we find her difficult.

@RepealRepealRepeal - thanks for the info. Good to know. I don’t have kids of my own and I wounder if I have unrealistic expectations. I know I could cook a meal by the age of 12.....

It’s difficult isn’t it. I wounder if these bat shit crazy ex’s know the harm they are doing. Sad.... wounder what happens when the kids leave home and they have nothing left?

Good luck x

northern my ds is only 2 so I don't have any direct experience but I know I was going home on my own after school by 10 ish 11 at latest and I'm fairly sure I could cook simple things then. I could definitely make a cuppa!

I don't think they care what harm they're doing to their kids, as long as they're succeeding (or think they are) at ruining ex and new gf/wife life.

I think ex's goal is for us to split up. She wants him back I am sure, however even if we split up he would never go back to her. She is still pally with his dad so maybe he's spinning her a different story (even though we barely have a relationship with him!)

@northern wow I really identify with a lot of your last post! My DSD had a big go at DP because he’d asked her to put the sheets on the bed, when she was 17! I don’t mind someone asking for help to show them, but the entitlement (from their Mum) was that DP should do everything for them.

Although I have to say I let my own DS cook a fry up on his own for the first time, after several supervised sessions, at age 15 and he practically burnt the house down! luckily I was on the next room, opened the door to see him eating in a cloud of smoke!

(Note to self, change battery in smoke alarm)

I think in our case the mother is the same - a sense of entitlement. My OH tells me that when they were married and had the first child - she gave up work. My OH had a 4 hour round trip to work and worked FT. He did all of the shopping, his own washing and a lot of the cooking. Now I know it’s not easy being at home all day with kids but come on......

I asked DSD (13) to strip her bed (i.e take off 2 pillow cases, a base sheet and the duvet cover off). She had no clue. She has no interest in cooking - i’ve really tried, but I think it’s linked to her extreme fussy eating (that’s a whole different thread). She knows the rules, only clothes in the wash basket get washed.... there’s going to be a stink tonight when she realises her new T shirts are lying dirty on the floor after she threw them on their weekend before last. Slowly teaching them i’m not their slave but it’s hard when dad only sees them EOW and wants it be he fun here.

I feel your pain, my DP's ex is like this. She can go on holiday without her kids but we dare not to invite them on ours (it was a weekend for just us and our DS was staying with my mum) and she calls us unfair and selfish and we should have gone somewhere suitable for children instead - however it made no difference to her life because we booked it on a weekend we wouldn't have them anyway so we wouldn't lose time with them!
We constantly get texts asking for favours (have them an extra day, can't have them on our weekend because she wants them etc) and we used to try to appease her as best we can without missing out on spending time with the kids or disrupting our plans but it never works - if she doesn't get exactly what she wants she'll send a lengthy (rude) text and then not speak to us for days/weeks to sort it out but then when it gets to the time she wanted the favour for, DP would get a lovely text asking if he's thought about it some more and would we mind etc and we usually have no choice but to agree since its now last minute and she's obviously not asked anyone else/changed her plans.
It's particularly funny right now - she had a fissy fit over a weekend she wanted to change we outright said no end of discussion (due to DP work schedule that week), cue horrible text then 4 days later asked for more money for a school trip happening that day! Again DP said no, we'd just paid maintenance and have an agreement that she and him discuss any school trip or things like that so we can determine if we can afford to put towards, so since she hadn't even told us about it and let the DC go it was down to her to pay the full amount. We are again in a NC situation because he again won't bow down to her!
We have a thing now that when she asks for anything (regardless of whether it works for us or not) just say no, we've already given in to her too many times and its not fair on the DC - she's the one always banging on about them having a routine so we use it against her now, I know its petty but DP is sick of feeling like he has to pander to her every whim, in the past we have cancelled our plans so we could look after them whilst she goes out and its just not fair. The routine/schedule is there for a reason and we would never arrange to go out if it was our time with the DC so neither should she!

@NorthernSpirit - my dp's experience was similar in that his exw gave up work to start a family - so even before they got pregnant. He says with hindsight that should have been a red flag. That was 20 years ago & he's been working like a mad man since. He said he would regularly come home and have to go do the supermarket shop/cook/clean etc. as she'd have done nothing all day. Like that I TOTALLY get how hard being home with kids all day can be but to not manage even an online shop!?! It's not that he objected to sharing the housework but she expected him to do most of it & be the only breadwinner.
I know it's nothing to do with me but it infuriates me so much as even when my three were tiny & my exh worked away I always worked even if it was part time here & there.
It often feels like dp works just to support the kids, not to support himself or us (me & him) & our future & that's really hard to stand by & watch as he's wrecked all the time. Of course he should be supporting his kids but so should she - they're both their kids & all in secondary school!
Grrrrrr

@likejelly I see similar, - angry approach (calls/texts with abuse) or ‘mysterious’ approach (call me as soon as you can - turns out it’s a non issue) - then very very long winded nicer text (please could you pick up later because of... ) then more texts, then more changes of plan and then a last minute (suddenly can’t or can do something). So DP just ends up
A) in constant contact (even though youngest is 18)
B) appeasing and then our plans constantly changing
C) DP worn out and fustrated, constantly having to consider what EW is asking for even though unfortunately he does not acknowledge this effect on him and us.

@ Magda that’s very tough, like the EW has first claim even now, on your DPs provision. When it should be you and DP, like you said, providing for your combined kids and future.

DPs EW NEVER worked. They married young and she had not even worked part time or before their children were born. DP was expected to take over the minute he walked in the door. She has only just started weekend only work in a shop in the past two years, when her youngest was 16.

@Likejellytots88 - sounds EXACTLY like my dp's ex. There'll be a barrage of nasty txts, then silence for a week or two. Then, a pleasant phone call looking for something & if she doesn't get what she wants the cycle starts all over again. It's exhausting!
@Bananasinpyjamas11 - dp's ex same in that I honestly can't see her ever going out to work as while she's only in her early 40's she has no training & she's the type of woman who would see casual work, as in Café, shop etc. as being 'beneath' her - said this to dp when they were married after he suggested she get something part-time in order to get out of the house for a bit & have some adult conversation. Also said she could never leave the kids with a minder or in a crèche as they could all be paedophiles!!!
All excuses to not get up of her arse & help out.

It almost sounds as if some of us have the same EWs!!! Are they related?

Same here. OH’s EW refused to work. These kids were 8 & 9 and they had been divorced 4 years. Refused to get a job as apparently all mothers who work are bad mothers. Well didn’t do me any harm and than goodness my mum taught me not to relay on a man and to be independent.

When their finances went to court she stood in front of a female judge and said the all mothers who work line (stupid as well as lazy). The judge told her to start supporting herself and get a job!

She now begrudgingly does 16 hours over 3 days. Worrying thing is just 2 years ago my DSD said ‘it’s ok... I don’t have to work hard at school as I just st need to find a rich man’. I can only guess where she heard that. My OH says i’m a great role model for her. I have a success career and she has started to talk about going to college to get a good job. I thought the meal ticket generation had stopped. Clearly not. How demeaning.

Yep, my OH also gets the angry vitriolic rants (by email as a judge ordered her that all communication has to be by email). My OH just ignores her. Says he feels sick when her name appears and it’s usually an angry rant. He doesn’t fuel her fire.

God they are all so similar. Exactly the same here texts wise.

She never worked as she had a baby so early then two more kids with dp. She got a part time job not long before he left encouraged by him as he didn't want to leave her if she couldn't cope etc. He paid the mortgage for about 2 years after he left on top of maintenance and she asked him to carry on paying indefinitely but only wanted the house in her name!

Dss thinks it's fine not to work because "look at mum" ... Yeah, no mate. Doesn't work like that. Het eldest child is a lazy entitled person too. Has had several jobs and quit but its ok cos he lives rent free with mummy again now.

Where are these people's aspirations!!