Husband’s ex seems to go out of her way to make EVERYTHING difficult

[MismatchedStripySocks]

I mean everything. It’s so frustrating and wearing when all we want is to enjoy time with his kids but simple requests are met with a flat out NO!

Take for example DH offering to pay for DSS haircuts. This is after her continually sending him to us looking like he’s wearing a toupee with one side shaved at least 1.5 inches higher than the other at the sides. We have gone ahead and taken him to the barbers twice for a tidy up only to be met with abuse. If she’s cutting it herself for financial reasons, we are paying so what’s the problem?

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel.

The woman is a nightmare and drives me nuts

Bat shit crazy is about right. Last year, DH was so fed up with waiting for the clean break he called her and said he had an offer for her. It was exactly what is on the table now plus one extra thing. When he asked if he could discuss it, she just screamed no and hung up. Funny thing is, she asked for this extra thing in court and the judge said no way! Had her default position not been ‘No’ she could have had it and saved a lot of time and heartache.

OP same here. The EW wanted spousal maintenance, her mortgage paid in full (for 10 years), 80% equity of the FMH on sale in 10 years, £250 above the CMS maintenance pet month, half of all his pensions, new car and a lump sum (theyd been married 9 years). My OH offered her a deal with she refused.

The judge decided and all she got was to stay in the FMH for 2 years. She pays the mortgage (as she lives there), 72% of the equity and my OH pays £100 more maintenance to the children. It doesn’t pay to be greedy! Oh and the judge told her to start supporting herself and get a job (the youngest was 8 but she refused to get a job).

my hubby to be ex was a nightmare at one point and recently (long story) but yesterday he called me if i could pick one of my step daughters up from school because she was sick (he was is working a 2 hours away this week) and would take him ages to get back (they could not get hold of her in work) and if i could keep her until he got home and i said i will take the rest of the day off and look after her rather than him rushing back and i told him to txt her and say that i have her so dont worry and leave work. she had the missed calls and messages from him and the school on her lunch and called me and i said she is sleeping on the sofa right now so leave her there but could she pick up the after she collects the other one from after school club and that it would save her dragging out the one who is ill. when she collected the ill DSD i offered her a coffee and we just talked it out and i offered to have her again today as i have the day off work and nothing planned so she can still go to work today to save her loosing the money. by the end of it we were laughing and joking and she offered me advice on pregnancy (im 9 weeks) so sometimes talking can be a good thing

@welshchloe I wish I could talk to her but it’s just not possible. Seriously, she could fight with herself! I think a lot of it comes down to jealousy because we are happy together but she keeps splitting up from people including one guy who got someone pregnant! I have been in her position where I had to watch my ex move on whilst I remained single. It’s rubbish and frustrating but it’s unfair to take it out on us.

Hi all - this is such a similar situation to me. My OH left his EW 3 years ago and the divorce is only just going through.. refusal to sign and being generally awkward! She has sent numerous solicitors letters threatening to take contact from us when there is absolutely no reason!

Thing is - my OH son absolutely loves being with us. We have him Fri-Sunday every week and take him to football lessons, swimming, and wherever he wants to go really! We have such a strong family unit and he never, ever wants to go home. He is 5 years old and already says he wants to stay with us forever.

We have never badmouthed his mother but yet he constantly comes to us and says nasty things that her and her family have said in front of him! We have a baby on the way and the most recent one was 'I've been told I will get no attention when the baby is here'. Why would you ever do that to your child?

After two years of constantly messaging my OH starting arguments or generally texting for the sake of it and texting me abuse , my OH sent a formal message asking for no contact unless son is ill or in trouble.

She never picks him up from ours and is always late being at hers so we are stuck with OH son being upset in the car or us driving around. She says that son needs better routine yet stays out most nights in the week when he is at school.

Any advice would be useful :( Like you say, it is nice to talk to like-minded people. Especially with the baby on the way, we don't need her constant stress!

The way she acts (and from the description of some of these other exes) you would think that they were secretly still in love with our partner’s/husband’s. I feel like saying to her ‘seriously love, get a life. We are not that interesting!!’ Yet she’s obsessed it would seem. She was fuming when we bought a 6 year old car (she has a banger) She thinks that means we’re loaded, as well as the fact we have holidays. What she doesn’t realise is that we save carefully and prioritise nice things over takeaways and the money for the car was a gift!

@EllMae - you have to realise you are not dealing with a normal, decent, rational person. As soon as you realise that you can develop coping strategies.

For example, my OH does all the pick ups and drop offs (it’s an hour each way). The EW refuses to do any, meet half way or drop them off 5 mins from hers. She would regularly run out of the house and swear at my OH in front of the children. She’s been told this won’t be tolerated and if she doesn’t act in a civil manner she will be taken back to court.

We now have the threat of court action on our side (which is not something we take lightly). My OH went through 2 years of hell and her using the children as weapons, not letting my OH see them. It broke him. He loves his kids and wants to be a part of their lives. If she’s messing around get a contact order - I know my OH wishes he had done it sooner. Takes their power and messing around away. It’s not perfect - she still does crazy stuff but 3 strikes and my OH has her back in court. It’s £215 to take it to court - for years my OH paid and the courts found in his favour. Now if she stops something she shouldn’t or is difficult he writes to her and says that he will take it to court and let a judge decide. If the judge finds in her favour then he will deduct the £215 from the maintenance (I should add he pays circa £150 extra every month to her plus extras). He doesn’t want to take this route but there is no other way to communicate with this woman.

OP - I will never forget the situation around meeting his children. I had dated my OH for 9 months and was introduced slowly. The mother found out and stopped contact saying she wasn’t happy about her children spending time with a stranger on his time. This is in stark contrast to the kids meeting her new boyfriend - the 9 year old a couple of weeks ago said... I think mummy has a new boyfriend - they had a sleepover and a strange man came out of mummy’s bedroom in his underpants.

You see the crazy shit we have to deal with?! 🦇

Sorry, I meant court action is something we don’t take lightly

I think i’ve Found my people on this board Mad that so many people are all going through this and there are so many similar stories. The saddest thing of all though is the EW’s painting themselves as Mother Earth but using their ‘beloved’ children as weapons. One day the kids will be adults and will see them for what they really are. Tbh, my DSD already does I think but she’s mid-teens. DSS is younger so she still has her claws in him but sure that will change. We never bad mouth her but she always bad mouths us. So funny the other night when DH was giving ‘woman’ advice to DSS. She was in the background muttering ‘what does HE know, he can’t even get a woman’

Erm....check out the wedding ring dear!

@northernspirit

It is crazy isn't it! The divorce for my OH is just going through but it means so much to me that his ex's last name isn't the same as our baby (due September) that we are tempted to continue with the final divorce and then do the court orders after? We still need to sort out the finances. I don't know if it is just something that needs to get sorted now though - I just know it is going to be a very lengthy and costly experience all whilst the baby is about to appear. Did you use solicitors every time you took his ex to court? We are trying to keep costs down at the moment but there is so much going on that it is confusing!

She also won't remove my OH name from the mortgage which is stopping us outright from buying a house.. so we are having to rent at the moment which is hard when we are trying to get everything sorted for the new baby and to make sure OH's son is settled. He loves our house which isn't a problem but just want a family home that is ours!!

I don't get how someone can be so bitter and not focused on what is best for her child.

We had the same situation with me meeting my OH son. We were in a relationship for a year and I was having to travel 30 miles everyday in the week to get to work so I could see my OH and then was renting another house so that I could stay there on weekends because I wasn't allowed to see OH son yet. She was crazy about it! We finally lost it and said it is happening anyway so you need to lump it.. now she expects me to pay for everything for him - clothes, lessons,birthdays, etc and yet works 1 day a week!!! How is this fair???

Sorry for the rant!

We couldn’t afford a solicitor on top of paying for everything else. She also point blank refused to pay anything for the divorce. We live 120 miles away and originally it was listed in our local court but at the first directions hearing she didn’t deign to come to it was moved to her local court for her convenience! Next week will be his third time in court, so two full annual leave days in total (he just took 2 hours when it was local) Plus petrol money which as we all know isn’t cheap. All so he can go and be insulted again.

We also can’t buy whilst this is going on even though we have a deposit and are desperate to leave rented. Feel like we are throwing money away every month.

Supported my OH through the finances 2 years ago. It had dragged in for 3 years and she wouldn’t agree a settlement. My OH had spent circ £20k on taking her to court for child contact so was broke by the time it got to the divorce finances. He represented himself through the 1st 2 hearings and then took on a solicitor and barrister for the 3rd. His EW had lied on the form E and in court and he felt he needed to be represented.

The EW was allowed to stay in the FMH for just less than 3 years when their finances were agreed in court (she wanted 11 years and my OH pay her mortgage for the 11 years). She got less than 3 years and she pays the mortgage. She can’t get a mortgage as she only works 16 hours a week and earns £10k (it’s a £250k mortgage). We were fortunate in that i’ve bought us a house to live in.

Regarding child contact - my OH says if he did it again he would represent himself.

can I join?! I have posted a lot on different threads under different names (am very aware that ex stalks me online!) but this thread seems like a good, supportive one.

my dp and his ex were never married, they were together a long time and had two kids. she also has another (older) to someone else, but she passes him off as dps to anyone who will listen.

Anyway, weve been together almost 6 years and it has been 6 years of hell and sometimes I am wondering why I ever stayed. I almost feel in "too deep" to leave now.

One child lives with her and has nothing to do with us (because of the things she has said) and the other lives with us and sees her twice a week (she kicked him out but he chose to still see her which we support) - the whole situation is shit to be honest.

When dss comes back from seeing her he always has an attitude, he behaves badly and he always has something to say that she has said about us (usually me) - the last one was her saying she was talking about me with her friend because her friends boyfriend works in the same place as me (this is true but I didn't know this)

I assume she will now be asking said friend to ask boyfriend what I am doing at work etc, what I have said. Won't work because I don't discuss things like this with people i'm not close with IRL!!

When both kids lived with her she just dictated contact as and when she wanted, stopped and started etc, demanded money for all sorts of things and refused to sell the house. They went to mediation and OH got a tiny sum of money from the house and more to be paid when DSS turns 18 (same tiny sum again) and regular contact.

She broke it frequently and we were preparing to go to court but then she kicked DSS out so we never had to fortunately.

She is another one who if you asked her would say she is a brilliant mother. One of her online profiles boasts that she has brought up 3 children and bought her own house entirely single handedly which I find hilarious as DP left when the youngest was 6 (and paid the mortgage single handedly for all that time and 2 years after he left)

they have been split up for about 8 years now and she hasn't moved on, I remember when we had been together for a while I think about two years, she rang him up and said I thought this was just a phase, when are you going to come back and marry me. He told me and I was like sorry what?!

she seems to hate him, but is so full of jealously of my (very average, not actually that fantastic) life that she just cant get over him.

They have less contact now DSS lives with us, and he is 13 so will be able to do all that himself soon, but every time he says she has messaged or whatever it just fills me with dread.

We have had some corkers over the years, My favourite was a very long rant about how DP was abusing his children by not paying maintenance and why had he stopped it and she was going to tell everyone that he was abusive and didn't pay for his own children bla bla... it was new years day. The bank hadn't transferred the money (Which was paid the first of every month by standing order, so theoretically was never late because of him!)

me and dp also have a son together who is almost 2 and she kicked off like fuck when she found out I was pregnant, told the kids he clearly didn't love them and would only have time for the baby. When I went into labour it happened to be a contact day, she wouldn't let DSS stay at home. Dps mum had to have him because apparently, he wasn't her problem on our days.

shes a lovely woman

Honestly after 6 years of this shit I feel like I need help!

wow that was looooooooooong sorry!

@flamingoffridays - she sounds another one.

I used to get stressed when my OH’s EW made contact (as it was always a vitriolic rant). Now I don’t give her any space in my head (she doesn’t deserve it). My friends are decent, moral people. She has neither of these qualities and will never be a friend of mine.

Remember you can’t control what she says and does. You can only control how you react and how you feel.

When my OH and I got engaged, my OH told the kids. Next time we saw the kids his 11 year old said.... mummy and I have discussed it and agree it won’t last so I don’t need to worry. But you know what.... I never stoop to her low level... I think it’s a good thing that I make their dad happy and they see a normal functioning loving adult relationship. She on the other hand..... they’ve been split up 2 years and she’s had 2 boyfriends (the 1st lasted 2 months and the children told me - mummy and xx love each other but have decided not to be together). After 2 months? The 2nd fella has been on the scene for about 3 months and looks like it isn’t going anywhere (shame as she’s less bitter when there’s a man around). You know what.... karma is a beautiful thing 😜

I meant they have been split up for 6 years (not 2)!

She constantly makes up lies it’s just A favourite of hers is that DH shoved her to the ground in a rage. What actually happened was she turned up to her house pissed as a fart and annoyed about something. She started shouting at me sat on the sofa, lunges forward and the rug beneath her slipped on the laminate floor and she fell to her knees. DSD saw the whole thing from the stairs so fortunately we have an independent witness to prove he didn’t push her.

Just to clarify, this was in the early days of our relationship and we were occasionally allowed in her house to spend time with the kids. This most definitely does not happen now!

@northernspirit... sounds like the situation we are in! but it is such a shame.

My OH son never talks about his mother when he is with us, yet he seems to always ask about us when he is there? Seems like you win just by staying calm about the situation!

I am glad you said about the contact situation... I used to (and still do sometimes) get really wound up by her contacting. It seems to be every excuse in the book. "what time are you dropping him" (even though it is the same time, place every single week). What do you think I should buy him for a world book day costume? (even though she has him Mon-Thurs). It got to a point where she would text every day. Luckily it has calmed down now but it really did annoy me!! I only get so stressed and annoyed because she always says bad things about me even though I've done everything and more for her son. She also causes problems for the sake of it and when we drop him will often come out the house screaming and shouting!

When does it get better?!

I'm not sure it does ell - I have a friend who is a step mum to adult children and they and the ex wife are still causing dramas after about 15 years!!

poor children stuck in these situations.

@flamingofridays You have to laugh! She sounds like she could be mines' twin tbh...

She divorced him and told him he'd never find anybody else... she would move on and have a fabulous life and he would be alone in his flat himself... then he met me and apparently it was never going to last because I was just a rebound and he was OBVIOUSLY going through a midlife crisis...

5 years and 2 kids later we're still together and going strong but my god was there fireworks when she found out I was pregnant. First time she burst into tears (which actually naively had me feeling sorry for her at the time, but that's how they draw you in) until I found out she also asked if we were going to get an abortion??? WHAT! Yeah that's why he's telling you - he's looking for your suggestion on where to go from here! And second time round she started ranting and raving about how he was "up to his eyeballs in it and how was he going to cope" Eh we're managing perfectly fine dear, don't worry about us, thanks for the concern... but she waited weeks until she seen him face to face to unleash her rant so she could do it IN FRONT OF SC... Honestly. I'm praying for better days. I'm starting to encourage him to enforce stronger boundaries but she's just not playing. I too have an extremely average life... I really don't understand why she cares so much.

@starsandstripes111 that is terrible about what she said in regards to you being pregnant.

I already said to my OH that if she said anything about me being pregnant now I would be mad.

We have an extremely normal life - both work 9-5 and just enjoying our time together as a family. Seems that the EW who only works one day a week has too much time to think of ways to annoy us!!!

Yeah if I didn't laugh I'd cry! Can't wait until she is no longer a part of my life!

I'm sorry to say that I get a chill down my spine reading these. These women are never going to settle. My DP's ex is never going to settle. Its draining, consuming and so so negative.

Here's a question, why do we stay? As normal, sane individuals, why do we tolerate this?

When does it end? Sometimes never. I feel a little bad as in this thread we are all experiencing and talking about the extreme end of behaviour. I know mums (who may be ex-partner’s) call in to this area too and I feel like I need to acknowledge that we are discussing sustained long term behaviour well outside the bounds of normal. I imagine it would be entirely normal for my partner’s ex and Mum of his child to be wary of / uncomfortable with me, his his partner and my interaction with his daughter. And human to feel that he as a dad has it easier - none of the day to day crap & all the fun weekend stuff. I so wish I was dealing with this wariness and grumpiness that might reduce over time as trust develops. But what I live with is a complete world away from normal rational feelings and behaviours.
Why do I stay? Because I love my partner to bits 😍