Husband’s ex seems to go out of her way to make EVERYTHING difficult

[MismatchedStripySocks]

I mean everything. It’s so frustrating and wearing when all we want is to enjoy time with his kids but simple requests are met with a flat out NO!

Take for example DH offering to pay for DSS haircuts. This is after her continually sending him to us looking like he’s wearing a toupee with one side shaved at least 1.5 inches higher than the other at the sides. We have gone ahead and taken him to the barbers twice for a tidy up only to be met with abuse. If she’s cutting it herself for financial reasons, we are paying so what’s the problem?

We are taking the kids on holiday this summer but the holiday is on a Tuesday. Our weekend is the previous weekend. When we asked if we could just keep them til the Tuesday, we were told firmly they had to come home (230 round trip) They have no plans and will be sat at home yet it will cost us about £60 in fuel.

The woman is a nightmare and drives me nuts

I'm going to get absolutely beaten for this, but I'm my opinion, there are a few GU who comment in the step parent board

@twodots agree! They only ever comment on step mums posts to tell them how unreasonable they are. No matter what the issue.

You're right twodots you could literally do everything right re ex wives and step kids but they'd still find a reason to have a pop at you

@TwoDots - totally agree! They lurk on this forum trolling. This should be a safe place for stepmums - i.e you are actually a SM! I don’t know how many times i’ve seen a he question posted..... where you the OW..... how long have you been together..... or the statement... you have no right.....

Love the golden uterus phenomenon!

In a way I am glad to have seen this first hand because I know that I would never and could never act this way and I was almost know what to do if me and dp split up. What works and what doesn't. I can whole heartedly say even if he ruined my life and hated him I would not put my child what his have been through no way!

@Famingoffridays - totally agree. How any woman could do some of these things to her own children astonishes me.

My OH’s EW was recently asked by a teacher if she hated her EH more than she loved her own children. She still doesn’t get it?!

Omg @mooncuplanding - have just read that link. It's pretty harsh, but also pretty accurate & describes dp's ex to a T!
Mind you I could see some of my own exh behaviour in there too! 😬

Hey guys. Great thread. I can’t cope with my partner’s EW controlling my down time any more. I never know what we’re going to do be doing more than a few weeks ahead. My life is on hold. Anything we do gets reported on for ‘costing too much money’ (including taking the kids to activities) because she wants more money. I feel like I can’t breathe and I can’t imagine my life carrying on like this.

@Altwoo Hiya! Sorry that you're in this situation but welcome to the group. I feel exactly the same.. we cannot plan to do anything in fear that she will change her mind or cause problems. Everything that we do or buy for SS seems to be judged or moaned at - just cannot win!

Well, I've seen it all now. ExW turning up on our contact time and physically shoving DH out the way because their child' will want to see me cos I'm their mummy'. (She had an audience of moms she likes to show off to)
DH warned her not to do that again. Unbelievable behaviour. I've read the link posed earlier-she's a definite GU!

@TaighNamGastaOrt - I mean this in a nice way - don't mean to sound critical but your wording there is what causes so many issues also.
It's not 'our' contact time it's your dp's contact time.
I'm loving this thread as my dp's exw is IMO nuts! However as a mum I also have to say that some exws' apparently unreasonable behaviour springs from sms feeling as you seem to above; that the kids are 'ours'. They're not.

I think my dscs mum is not a great parent but I would never buy new clothes, get haircuts etc. as far as I'm concerned if dp has a concern about these things HE should sort it out with her or alone as they are his kids with his exw. There was another post here where the dm went crazy as a new uniform had been bought but I sort of understand that if the sm had driven it.
I REALLY don't mean to criticize as I think you/we are all struggling in the face of adversity - it's just by way of explaining why some of the crazy exists.
As a sm myself the urge to parent my sdcs is huge as I really do think their mum is socially & emotionally lacking (very GU) & the kids are suffering, but I never go there as it's truly not my place & in truth extra input from me only fuels the crazy.
All above meant in a nice way 💐.

@magda72 I do agree with you and in most things, I would never get involved with but it is nice for the children to see that you & your oh are a team and whatever my oh decides about SS, I will back 100%. I would never take over the parental role but there does come a sense of care for them. For example, I am out with my baby and SS buying new clothes.. I wouldn't not buy my SS clothes because he is not my 'son'. I care massively about my SS and love him to bits, I have been in his life since he was very young and I would feel terrible if I had to consult his father in every decision. I am too an adult, in his life and I would hope that over the years I have proved myself to be very responsible. It is all about building up trust and I wouldn't do things to jeopardise that.

I agree that I wouldn't get involved with conversations between EW and my OH but as I care about my SS and if it was a concern of my OH, of course I am going to buy my SS a new uniform. She is going mad because she is all about "how it makes her look". I couldn't care less around what she thinks and how she thinks it makes her look.. the uniform was too small, dirty and not appropriate for school. We didn't say anything about this, didn't rub in her face but provided a new uniform as an option. This is about SS not about EW. Not everything revolves around EW and we simply cannot trust that she will get a new uniform. :)

Magda, you're spot on! You're right. I am fully aware that SC is not my child and have thier own mummy. I respect that relationship they have and always try to be kind, both to and about SC and their mam.
I understand mams crazy is born of guilt and jealousy. I totally understand that. In the past I've had to help with SC as mam was absent. Much more hands off now, but SC is part of 'our' family and always will be.
Thanks for pointing this out, I need to adjust my attitude and remind myself of SM boundaries. It is so bloody hard sometimes! If I don't do enough its grief If I overstep the mark, I get grief. The middle road is a hard place to find!
A fellow SM often reminds me that its best to treat SC as you would a freinds child or a niece or nephew.
Thank you, I love this thread too! especially when a balanced poster like you points out something I need to be more aware of!

i get what you're saying @magda, but where do you draw the line. I mean, DSS lives with us not dp. In no way shape or form am I his mum, or want to be his mum.

However, I am expected to take over the roll of "mum" as are most step mothers. We're expected to cook, clean, wash clothes, provide like a mother would, discipline in some cases, change our entire lives around for these kids as a biological mother would. And we cant even say "our contact time"

it's a little insulting.

this is why it is so hard, you cant do anything without offending someone. Dps ex hates the fact I am hands on, but then hates it if I do something with only my dc (Who is 2 so clearly not all activities are suitable for him and 13yo DSS). Hates it if I buy him clothes, loses her shit if she has to buy anything. Didn't ever want me "in her town" let alone at pick up or drop off, but then on maternity leave expected me to do EVERY pick up and drop off whenever she bloody well felt like it on my own because I "had the time".

Honestly being a step mum is the most thankless shit job I wouldn't recommend it to anyone even if the ex was a perfectly reasonable normal woman, really wouldn't.

@flamingofridays I echo what you say completely. I am in the same situation as you where I'm expected to do all of these 'motherly' things yet I cannot call time 'our time with dss'. It is our time.. it is spent in our family home.. with our other child.

You get the job description of a "mother" when DSC lives with you but with zero thanks. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change it for the world but it is incredibly hard to be expected to do everything one day and nothing on the next.

by "other child" I meant our baby

@sugar flamingo, Magda, thigh and ell being a SM is just so hard isn’t it! And there’s no one to talk to. I found it one of the most frustrating parts of my life having a DSD who was full time, except her Mum held onto to the Mum role very tightly. Such a struggle. DSD seriously not developing at the time, no friends, being rude, one pair of knickers at one point! I begged DP and asked EW if they could spend more time esp womanly type stuff e.g. hair, underwear.

EW constantly moaning to DP about her but absolutely no interest in doing anything about it. She spent the little contact time she had telling DSD not to listen to me, how awful I was. I did eventually just get stuck in and bought DSD underwear as DP asked me, I got expensive toiletries, sorted her room with her, took her out to cinema, bought her favourite foods, talked about friend issues. Years of care, but the resentment still there. Her mother hardly bothered. DSD now doesn’t even speak to me now and has turned into her mother!

Sometimes I think we as SMs don’t realise what a big mess we are walking into! Unresolved issues and a EW who won’t let go.

Totally agree @flamingofridays generally parenting can be thankless (but of course very rewarding). But step parenting so much more so. It's constantly being stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

I wonder how many of these exs have done the separated parents classes. DH and his ex were both ordered to attend when we last went to court. It did seem to have a beneficial effect for a short amount of time, but perhaps a refresher might be in order. We are constantly being told how we should and shouldn't be spending our weekends with DSD.

dp and dp's ex never did them, but they never got to court it was sorted out in mediation because dp gave her everything she wanted and backed down

and now to rub salt into the wound, dss is turning into a rude, ungrateful teenager who only speaks to me when he wants something bloody washing. I've absolutely had enough!!

@stepmum and flamingo
Separation classes are a great idea. I’d have been up for these too. I think sometimes these things go so skewered because all perspective and reason is lost.
Also agree the worst part is if DSCs and DPs are sucked into EW resentments. It makes relationships unworkable.

My OH & his EW were ordered by a judge to go on a SIPP course. My OH followed it up and went - he was a changed man by going. Taught him some coping strategies.

The EW refuses to go. Has been ordered by a judge 3 more times to go but refuses. She tells us she is such a wonderful mother no one can teach her how to parent. Sad that she hates the EH more than she loves her own children.

@northern your DHs EW sounds like one very bitter angry person!

@Bananainpyjamas11 - I honestly thought things would get better with time but it doesn’t. I think the problem is her family and friends spare her on and she plays the victim. My OH says he can’t remember any happy times with her now, he just remembers her being angry with a scowl on her face.

Recent drama - she won’t ‘allow’ My OH to attend parents evening. My OH wants to take an interest in the kids education. The primary school were accomadating and put a separate session on for him. The oldest started secondary school last year and they won’t entertain. The RP picks the appointment. My OH asked if he could go or if she didn’t agree how about they attend alternative years. She refused to tell him the date and the school are less than helpful. She eventually responded back with a normal vitriolic rant and told him he wasn’t welcome (which was repeated to us by his DD). The woman can’t see past her own anger. Yes, he left her, yes he feels guilt, but you don’t leave a happy marriage and will he be punished for ever?!

She needs help but would never admit it. Apparently we are all in the wrong and she is right.

@NorthernSpirit - that's just awful! Can the court order force her hand on this?