A step-parent who could use a friend

[Stepparent25]

Hello all, this is my first thread. Since I can't afford counseling I thought I would give this a shot? I'm a step parent to 2 children that I recently have been repulsed by. My DH and I recently had a child together. She is the love of my life and so is he. I love our little family but not the family that includes his 2 children. Mentally I am not in a good place. I could truly use a friend to talk to that can relate. Thank you very much.

Oh not that's so sad

What happened to make you feel that way about them ?

How old are they and did this happen just as your dd was born? If it did then it can happen and can improve over time. Or was there an incident that caused these feelings? You could be suffering PND.

I've never really liked them ever since we first met. I would just tolerate. Now that I have a child with my husband I resent them so much then I ever have before. I thought after we got married eventually I would have a bond and start to like them but that was so wrong. When I hear their voice I have to walk in another room. The smallest thing they do will irritate me. I will lock myself in a room all day just so I don't have to see them. Like right now their yelling at each other in their room and I'm about to pull my hair out.

I really don't know what they did.. that's the embarrassing part. I need to be the mature caring adult and be a mother to them because they do not have one. I just can't though. I've never wanted to be so far away from them. It feels like their just annoying roommates, intruders in my home. It's Christmas today and I've let this get to me so bad that it's ruined my first Christmas with my daughter. I've been in a bad mood ever since they woke me up at 6 a.m. I sincerely need help. I guess I just do not know where to start. I feel like I'm facing this emotional battle by myself.

How old are they? Does your husband pull his weight? I hope they don't sense how you feel.

I'm also a step parent and I know exactly how you feel and like you I really struggle - to the point I've nearly left my DH. All I can say to you is you need to ride the feelings out as I promise you they come in waves and do pass.

When I'm feeling particularly intolerant I will try to see friends or just chill in my room. I KNOW how difficult it is though - you feel like an outsider in your own home and I personally can get quite depressed about it. They won't be small and needy forever and I just hold onto that too.

From what the OP says these kids live with them fll time - "they have no mother". This is their home and no matter what you do not have your nice nuclear family - nothing is going to change that.

You do need counselling - this is simply not fair on two very innocent and vulnerable children.

You do need counselling - this is simply not fair on two very innocent and vulnerable children.

This

It's not your fault as such though, your husband, their father should have prioritised them by not marrying and having another child, especially not with someone who feels as you do. They are the victims here, poor things.

Um, they’re children. Sorry but I feel really bad for them, not you.

I was a stepchild who got treated like shit for no reason other than the fact my stepdad didn’t like my siblings and I. The kids come as a package with their dad, you can’t separate the two and if you’ve always felt like this about them then why did you settle down with him?

I hope that noone ever feels about your dd the way you do about these poor children...

If your marriage fails (you'd be gone if I were your husband and read this) your dd could EASILY be in their shoes.

You're a parent now. Do better.

Well its their home too and i don't imagine you're making their Christmas too pleasant either.

You sound like a really horrible person who's being really horrible to two vulnerable children who don't have a mother.

Its not their fathers fault. Not their fault.

You do need to find a way to afford counselling and you need to look at what it is about you that is making you be so horrible.

"I love our little family but not the family that includes his 2 children."

The trouble with that is that the first version 'our little family does not exist^ and the only version ever existed includes all three siblings.

I agree with the suggestions that you seek counselling (and proper screening for PND) so that your family (all five of you) can thrive. If you find you cannot dothat, then hard choices lie ahead.

I would urge the counselling. It seems that you rushed into it and DH hasn't made it plain that you were having the third child and were a family of 5. You are the adult and the children must come first. When you married him you got them for life. Perhaps it is PND. The father needs to be doing more- he seems to have let this situation happen.

They are your little family.

If you died would you want a step parent treating your child as a second class part of the family?

the OP is being very honest and brave and WANTS to love these children and be a good mother to them. None of these responses about how unfair she is being are very helpful

How old are they OP?

Does your husband know how you feel. You absolutely must prioritise counselling. It's far cheaper than divorce or therapy for three emotionally damaged teenagers, as all the children could become if this carries on.

Your family of three that you think is so perfect doesn't exist, you either have a family of 5 or you have a family of 2 and your husband a family of 4.

Well its not really that brave is to post on any anonymous internet forum is it.

Brave would be actually going to a counsellor. Brave would be actually having a bit of a look at herself. Brave would be discussing it with her partner.

I'm sorry but her attitude and behaviour is absolutely abhorrent. I have very VERY little sympathy for people who treat vulnerable children in their care like crap and then bleat on about how they need sympathy and how they feel so alone with this "emotional battle".

I thought her ideal was that they didn't exist!

If you can't afford counselling I would suggest really getting to know them individually - once a week leave one and the baby with DH and do something with the third- swap around the next week.
Perhaps it will change when the baby adores their siblings. Are the older ones hands on with the baby?

How did u feel before u had ur daughter maybe u shld ov thought ov this when u got with him he has children thy come as a package

This is one of those threads where you hope it is not true.

I understand that you know how you feel is not good and that you need some kind of help. But honestly, why did you not think of this before you got married and had a baby with this man? He really cannot be the love of your life if you cannot tolerate his children.

Does your DH have any idea how you feel?

What is DH doing to intergrate his family? Is he getting the older ones really involved with their sister?

Op can you tell us more about this ? Some background ?
Their ages ? Did they lose their mum to beareavment ?

We none of us should have our judgy pants on ... we aren't in your shoes . You want to love them it sounds .

Fresh horizons has some good ideas for you I think .

If you have a new baby could it be some pnd do you think ?
Could you try to get counselling on the NHS ?
Is dh pulling supportive ? Can you confide in him , just say you feel overwhelmed ?