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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

A step-parent who could use a friend

114 replies

Stepparent25 · 25/12/2017 18:20

Hello all, this is my first thread. Since I can't afford counseling I thought I would give this a shot? I'm a step parent to 2 children that I recently have been repulsed by. My DH and I recently had a child together. She is the love of my life and so is he. I love our little family but not the family that includes his 2 children. Mentally I am not in a good place. I could truly use a friend to talk to that can relate. Thank you very much.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

swingofthings · 26/12/2017 15:30

So back to the usual issue, you have different parenting attitude and you get annoyed when he parents them differently to how you would and you resent them for the outcome.

You now want some magic potion that will mean that either they become the kids that you wish them to be, or you somehow become another person who doesn't get affected by all the things that at the moment get to you so badly, you feel you need to leave the room to take big breath.

No idea how you are going to resolve it except somehow working with your partner when you both accept compromises and work very very hard to make these compromises part of your normality.

Mossend · 26/12/2017 15:44

Goodness, if a poster came on here and spoke about a puppy the way you are speaking about these poor children they would get, rightly, flamed.
Why on earth are you with a man with children you actively dislike?
I presume you wanted their dad so was only thinking about yourself and not their needs.
Selfish beyond belief, poor children.

Original poster

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 15:59

Swingofthings, my husband and I talked about this last night. I am really going to work on letting the little things bother me. I do not hate these little boys. Sometimes when theh visit their grandparents ill sit and think about them..I wonder what their doing and that it's too quite I'm my house! When they do hateful things I do not get over things so quickly and when they get loud(playing or fighting) I can not tune them out like my husband can. I just really wish I could I want to be different because it woud make both our lives happier and peaceful.

OP posts:

Ermm · 26/12/2017 16:19

"When they do hateful things"

This. They are not doing "hateful" things it doesn't sound (i.e. they're not setting cats on fire). They are doing things that YOU INTERPRET as hateful because it mucks up your clean floors or whatever.

So you need to work on changing your interpretation. "Hateful" is very extreme language,

Ermm · 26/12/2017 16:23

"if my DD were to scream for an hour I would hold her tight and it wouldn't phase me."

oh and just giving you a heads up that when your daughter starts getting herself around and being her own person I would be amazed if you didn't find yourself having big problems with her too.

numbereightyone · 26/12/2017 16:25

I don't have any real advice but I hope that in the future these boys will grow into fine young men that you will be proud of OP.

Brandnewstart · 26/12/2017 16:37

I'll point out some things that I think, perhaps, you think are abnormal but are not -

You think they are really messy. So are my boys of similar ages. They leave wrappers on the floors, spill drinks, throw wet towels on their beds. It drives me mad but it is normal.
Mine bicker or argue a lot of the time. Sometimes I have the patience of a saint, sometimes it drives me round the bend and I shout.
When my youngest was born, I felt my eldest was suddenly so big. I had less patience with him as I was so tired. That's normal too.
My eldest wet the bed, not every night, until he was 10. Lots of children do. I had a rubber sheet and it helped a lot. He didn't do it to piss me off, he couldn't help it.
You don't need to love them unconditionally, but if you care about them, you need to fake it. They have had a rocky and awful childhood in terms of their mother. They need someone to show them they are loved. It sounds to me that you do love them and your family do too. That's great.

Perhaps you could do an exercise where you draw a stick figure for each of you and write all the lovely things you can think of around it e.g. They love their little sister, what they are good at etc. Good luck OP and take credit in the fact they are having a better childhood than they would have done without you.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 26/12/2017 17:34

I’m baffled how people can be like this about children majority of the time it seems to be step mother rather than step fathers who are like this. My dh loves ds the same as he does the other two dc. They sound typical boys I know as I have an annoying 8 year old who is a slob and constantly answering back. I’m a parent though and therefore it’s down to me to help guide them in the right direction.

lunar1 · 26/12/2017 17:53

There is only one person in your house with hateful behaviour and it's not your stepchildren.

Do you realise that when you daughter grows up she will probably grow up to despise your behaviour towards her brothers.

NewLove · 26/12/2017 18:56

I’m baffled how people can be like this about children majority of the time it seems to be step mother rather than step fathers who are like this

Step father's don't usually end up being the main care giver though. Maybe if the man was the one who did all the housework he might also get upset by the mess?

Original poster

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 20:43

Ermm, hateful in this sense like screaming he was going to "slit my throat" if I didn't let him go outside when I grounded him for not bringing home his homework for the 4th time that week..that is just 1 example

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 20:49

Brandnewstart Thank you this helped.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 20:51

Well Thank you all for the insight and advice I will carry it with me and decide what to do next.

OP posts:

SilverBirchTree · 26/12/2017 20:56

*Brave would be actually going to a counsellor. Brave would be actually having a bit of a look at herself. Brave would be discussing it with her partner.

I'm sorry but her attitude and behaviour is absolutely abhorrent. I have very VERY little sympathy for people who treat vulnerable children in their care like crap and then bleat on about how they need sympathy and how they feel so alone with this "emotional battle".*

This ^

Emeralda · 26/12/2017 20:57

But why are you the one grounding him? Why is DH not doing that? He should be doing the majority of the parenting, with you as support in the background. What would their lives look like if you were not around? How would DH manage doing 100% of the parenting?

It sounds like you're trying to parent them as you think you would your own child but that's not taking into account the very difficult circumstances that have led to this situation. It's not doing them or you any good. You need to start from where you're at, not where you wish you were.

Are the kids ok at school? Have they had any problems or help from school? I think counselling would be a really good start. You might consider counselling with DH or family counselling too.

SilverBirchTree · 26/12/2017 21:08

I’m always amazed at people who have children with men despite:

being extremely incompatible in basic ways
having polar opposite values and parenting styles
not liking their children to the point of resenting their existence

What did you think would happen OP?

Sillysausage123 · 26/12/2017 21:22

Good luck op and take credit they are having a better childhood with you in their life

Actually I disagree completely, the kids would be best with no step mum rather than someone who hates them

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 26/12/2017 21:39

Actually Newlove step fathers are normally more involved in their stepchilds live than stepmothers if they live with the child. Yet many stepfathers in this scenario don’t matyre themselves they simply just get on with it.

sashimiyummies · 26/12/2017 23:22

As soon as your own child is a toddler you'lyou'll lose your OCD ways because they will make a mess everywhere they go. Then you'll be more understanding of your stepchildren. Children are walking mess op. You need to get used to it!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/12/2017 23:23

Grounding a child of primary age for forgetting to put their homework in their bag? Really?

Aside from why is this your job, working with children on techniques for better organisation, having a word with the teacher about making him lose playtime if homework remains undone, removal of screen time...all a bit more of an appropriate response to the homework situation. He will hit out at you (figuratively and literally) if it feels a punishment is unjust. Can you agree appropriate punishments with dad? Have you thought about reward charts - not getting a point on the chart can be one of the worst possible punishments to a child who values what the points will,add up to.

You ha e huge work to do on yourself. I read posts like these and know exactly why I remain single.

user789653241 · 27/12/2017 07:12

" I will carry it with me and decide what to do next."

You have no choice to decide, you have responsibility to love those children, since the time you decided to marry a man with two kids, knowing back ground issue with their Mum. Anything you describe about those children suggests they are not out of ordinary from children that age.
Please don't damage those kids who had suffered enough already.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 08:01

So maybe what you need to do when it gets too much is instead of getting anxious about it, is remind yourself that they are not your children and it is not for you to sort out but their dad. Do remove yourself from the situation as you currently do, but instead of then grovelling on how angry you are and how you hate them, just do something that relaxes you and let the drama unfold as if it's not in your house.

I still think seeing a counsellor will help, maybe they will have more strategy to give, especially in terms of trying to establish some form of bond so that when it gets bad, it's not as bad as it feels currently.

FannyTheFlamingo · 27/12/2017 09:16

This can't be real! The OPs posts read like someone who is desperate for attention. In the OP she is repulsed by her DSC for no good reason. Anyone who's been on MN for 5 mins knows that this kind of inflammatory OP means they'll get their arse handed to them! Now one of the DSC has threatened to slit her throat...perhaps because the thread seemed to be coming to an end?

You definitely need help OP, although I'm not sure it's the kind you're asking for on here.

TempusEejit · 27/12/2017 10:31

step fathers are normally more involved in their stepchilds live than stepmothers if they live with the child. Yet many stepfathers in this scenario don’t matyre themselves they simply just get on with it.

Sorry but that's not true. You very rarely see stepfathers taking ownership (i.e the majority of, not just occasional "helping out") of household tasks such as meal planning, shopping and cooking for the family. Or school runs. Or all the other housework that the majority of women seem to end up doing a disproportionate share of regardless of whether they're in a nuclear or blended family. Of course there are exceptions but in the main I have not seen a man pull their weight more than 50/50 in a relationship but women doing more than 50% is commonplace. Also stepfathers rarely have to deal with truly wishy-washy parenting from a partner who's too scared to enforce any discipline or boundaries because they're worried the kids won't come to visit unless each weekend is a mini holiday.

Being the partner of the resident parent has its own challenges I'm sure but you really can't compare step monthers with step fathers, because of gender role bullshit it's simply not the same dynamic.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 27/12/2017 11:42

No your right it’s not the same dynamic tempus because on most occasions the stepfather is living with their step child therefore playing an daily role in the child’s life. Does my dh do more than ex’s dw? of course he does he finically supports the household, takes ds to classes, school run etc. DS DF does the cooking in their household but even so your talking two days out of the week. Generally the day to day parenting falls down to me and my DH.

Never have I heard he moan about ds in the 7 years we been together.

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