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Step-parenting

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A step-parent who could use a friend

114 replies

Stepparent25 · 25/12/2017 18:20

Hello all, this is my first thread. Since I can't afford counseling I thought I would give this a shot? I'm a step parent to 2 children that I recently have been repulsed by. My DH and I recently had a child together. She is the love of my life and so is he. I love our little family but not the family that includes his 2 children. Mentally I am not in a good place. I could truly use a friend to talk to that can relate. Thank you very much.

OP posts:
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Ermm · 25/12/2017 20:58

She's emotionally neglecting two children for whom she has voluntarily agreed to take responsibility - who she knew she didn't like.

I am entirely comfortable judging that. Horrific.

And the only think she can possibly think of doing is going on an anonymous internet forum asking for sympathy.

OP has some serious serious character flaws. If she wants to resolve the situation she has to face up that and do the hard work to resolve it.

Those poor poor poor children.

Tors33 · 25/12/2017 20:58

It don't sound to me like she wants to love them she said herself she didn't really like them when she first got with her husband she just tolerated them why did she stay with him in the first instant they annoyed her I feel very sorry for her husband cos he has married someone he doesn't really kno I wld be devastated if I was in his position

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:10

Yes I will look into it. I've found some possible counselors in thr area for a reasonable price. Unfortunately I did rush into things. I really hope we all can get through this in the end. I don't have any fellow step parents around me I just would like someone that can relate

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Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:12

Thank you very much for your honest feedback. I am open to all opinions and will make my decision once I get my mind in order. It's been a rollercoaster ride

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Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:21

I know I have thought about this to. I feel as if I love him but I have been told that I truly don't if I don't accept his kids. This is just a mess. I'm trying to figure this out. It has to be jealousy and resentment that's holding me back. When we got married I was told one day that I would bond with them and love them like my own. Surely one day it would happen.. That day has yet to happen.

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zsazsajuju · 26/12/2017 01:24

It’s hard sometimes to love stepchildren and I think it’s probably rare that there aren’t at least some problems. I can definitely relate - I had step kids and sometimes just wished they would go away. Of course I never told them that but it didn’t stop me feeling how I felt. It’s hard as I was expected to have them in the house as they were dhs children but I couldn’t discipline them or have them behave as I would want. It seemed like I had no say in my own living conditions, and I was used to being on my own and making my own decisions. So I found that really hard. I get on with them better now they are older and we have all mellowed so maybe that will happen for you too.

Of course I am sure it’s hard to be a step child too but op is asking for support with how she feels and the nasty comments are completely inappropriate.

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:25

Their mother is in and out of jail for drug abuse, thievery, violation of probation etc. She will call and threaten us once she gets out and harass us for a while them eventually will go back to jail. 2 boys that are 8 and the other turns 10 in February. Ive known them since they were 4 and 5. Honestly this behavior comes in waves. Some days I dont mind when they get loud or make a mes but then other days my patience just dissapears and I want nothing to do with them. I'm just trying to be honest here.

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Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:28

Oh yes. They always get them to play with her and I did not mention that the boys ADORE her and she adores them.

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Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:34

Well I truly and sincerely appreciate your feedback. It's such a relief to know I have someone that can relate. I take the opinions of those who can relate to heart. I hope that things do mellow out like you say. At what age did this happen in your blended family? I feel like I have all the right to raise and discipline my own child but with his 2 children I feel as if there is a huge wall blocking me and everything has limits when it comes to them. My husband is wonderful and I see he struggles at times finding a balance. I don't regret marrying this wonderful man but I do wish we couldve taken it slower for the boys sake and mine as well.

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MrsDilber · 26/12/2017 01:35

I admire your honesty, there's no point dressing a problem up to make it a prettier problem.

Before you know it, they won't be running around screaming, they'll be moody in their room!

I feel for these boys, I'm sure, if you take a step back and think of how shitty it would be to grow up with a drug addicted, jail hopping mother, you can empathise with them.

Wait till you see DD's and their bond flourish and it should (as long as you don't pass on this dislike to her).

Good luck.

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:35

Even with the nasty comments I appreciate all of them. It's nice to hear everyone's thoughts and to get this out into the open.

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zsazsajuju · 26/12/2017 01:36

I don’t know if you will ever love them as if they are your own. I think you have to be honest with yourself about that. They are not your own. Why jealousy and resentment? For me, what I found hardest was the indulging of bad behaviour from my ex - I had no say. They were not my children, I was expected to consider them as if they were but had no say in discipline or when they would come to stay in my house. Also they were older and we were quite different. So it’s really hard - for both parties. I think it could work really well in some situations, but kids are hard. Someone once said to me that you forget that the step parent doesn’t have the same bond of love with the child as the bio parent has- I think that’s spot on. When you have parental love for a child you are way more tolerant of their foibles but step parents don’t have that or at least don’t start off with it.

In the end I broke up with ex dh but I have the step kids for life as they are half siblings t9 my dcs.

Katrose · 26/12/2017 01:36

Stepparent 25, i had a stepmother like you. She hated me so much that I'm now at home, alone on Christmas when I should be there with my half brother and sister who I adore. I have stayed away because she regularly threw herself into a state of rage at me for absolutely no reason. This breaks my fathers heart but I cannot be around her. She makes me panic and run hot and cold all over. My mother is also a drug addict and so me and my brother lived with them until I turned 18 and left as soon as I could.

I am more damaged from living with a stepmother who hated me than I am from essentially caring for a younger brother from the age of 5.

Please learn to live with, respect, and occasionally spoil your stepchildren. If you need space from them, make it. I don't have any answers, but I just wanted to tell you my experience. Please seek help.

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:37

I need to empathize more in my life and I know this flaw. Thank you for your feedback.

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Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 01:38

Thank you and I am so sorry. I needed to read this.

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zsazsajuju · 26/12/2017 01:43

The youngest of mine is now 16. I would say we all get on fine now but I think it helps that there is some distance (as I broke up with ex). That being said, they do still come and stay to visit their half siblings and we all get on fine. Much better than before. But I think we now have better boundaries and less “rivalry”if that makes sense.
I feel for you op - it’s hard dealing with step kids. I hope it works out. It takes time to make a bond, maybe a long time (I know you mentioned you had known them for some time but there have been a lot of changes)

zsazsajuju · 26/12/2017 01:48

I think tho it’s normal to get annoyed with kids for making a mess and being loud. Kids are hard work and especially if they are not your own.

Give yourself a break. I think it’s ok to be annoyed sometimes but try to do things you all enjoy to make a bond.

Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 02:34

I just get annoyed and irritated so quickly at them. Maybe a new baby in the equation plays a part? For stress relief I try to take soothing baths, reading, scrapbooking, painting, and even deep cleaning the house! My husband says, "their kids just being kids" but I get so irritable. I hate myself for it sometimes and will just sit talk to God and ask myself why I'm like this. I grew up in a broken home myself. This all is just so overwhelming. I need to find a balance where I can be happy and also raise these children where they grow up happy.

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Stepparent25 · 26/12/2017 02:39

Yes I have true OCD to an extent so it's hard to watch them make a mess in the dining room that I just cleaned 2 hours ago or when I reorganized/scrubbed the walls of their room just to see 2 days later it's a disaster again. They also still pee in the bed every night. My patience has never been so low lately. I do not want to gove up on this family or my marriage. I guess what I'm trying to get at is blunt full hearted honesty on how to not get so annoyed.

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SlideAway82 · 26/12/2017 07:50

People are being so harsh on you and it's unnecessary! Life isn't all black and white and I continually get people saying to me 'you knew what you were getting into being a man with children'.

Well actually no you don't. It's bloody hard work sometimes. And you don't get the reward of those unconditional feelings of love you may get with your own children.

I'm like you, I realise I have the issues but sometimes just knowing other people feel the same is a huge sigh of relief.

swingofthings · 26/12/2017 08:23

Stepparent, you've done the right thing coming here and recognising that you need to see a counsellor. Don't wait though as you might feel a bit better and then think you'll be ok. Don't go to any unknown either, go to your GP and get recommendations, whether NHS or private.

I think you are facing two issues here. The first one is that you might very well finally be confronted with the fact that dream you were building in tainted. You fell in love, started a committed relationship, felt utter happiness with that person, and then you got the cherry on the cake, a baby. During this time, you could, as you say, tolerate the rest in the background. Now that you have all you've ever wished for, you subconsciously see them as pests that infect what would otherwise be such a perfect life (I don't mean it that badly, just for illustration purposes). As you admitted to yourself and here, you fail to like them from the start and you decided to hope that nature would do some miracle and somehow make you use to them. Unfortunately, and as you are now realising, this usually only happens with your own children, all the others, you have to put efforts, sometimes a lot of efforts into bonding with them to get to the point when you actually care for them. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets, and to make it worse, they are now getting at that difficult age when bonding is the last thing they want to do and actually want to 'de-bond' from their parents, let alone a step-parent who doesn't care for them. So you are now facing a much harder battle.

Add to this that you are a new mum and naturally experiencing for the first time tiredness like you've never before so your energy reserve is very much depleted and the things you could ignore before are now a you are finding getting much harder to tolerate. Then there is the fact that you are bonding in that overwhelming way parents do with their newborn. Even many new parents of their second or more children will experience that their elder are suddenly becoming a bit 'annoying' after they become parents again. I know I did, even though I never stopped loving my eldest just as much.

If you continue as you are, you are going to put your partner in an unsustainable position. He loves all his children and you, but will find himself stuck in between trying to make everyone happy, knowing deep inside that he can only make one happy by making the other one miserable. It's a horrible stressful position and the stress usually do end up too much.

So do go and see a counsellor/psychologist who can help you gradually accept these children in your life. You don't have to love them, you don't have to parent them, you just have to accept that they are part of your life and that however unperfect they are, they deserve to be respected. Remember that we all start thinking our children will grow up to be just like we want them to be, ie. perfect in our eyes... they don't always do despite all our efforts, but we still love them deeply. That's how your partner feels about his children just as you might one day feel about your daughter too.

Ermm · 26/12/2017 08:49

8 and 10 ear old boy are peeing in their beds at night?

These are DEEPLY deeply stressed and traumatised young children.

So pointing out how horrific her behaviour is is nasty - but what's she doing isn't nasty?

I had a friend who's stepmother used to make her wear a shower cap at the dinner table so she didn't get things dirty. OP sounds very much in the same tradition.

She is causing untold damage to young boys who have already had enough crap in their life by the sounds of it.

I am being harsh on her because she is emotionally abusing young children. Pretending she's not isn't going to help anyone.

grinchymcgrinchface · 26/12/2017 08:53

@Ermm where does it say she has emotionally abused her step children? Perhaps their actual mother who is absent is the more likely reason for their issues. The OP is obviously going to love her baby more than her step kids.

Ermm · 26/12/2017 08:57

grinchymcgrinchface have you read her posts?? She doesn't think of them as her family and doesn't want them living in their own home.

She wants to create a family with her daughter and their father.

You think those kids don't know how she feels?? Come on.

Those kids need someone to advocate for them in a thread which is quickly turning into a thread to comfort OP about how understandable it is that she is being a horrible person.

swingofthings · 26/12/2017 09:05

Yes I have true OCD to an extent so it's hard to watch them make a mess in the dining room that I just cleaned 2 hours ago or when I reorganized/scrubbed the walls of their room just to see 2 days later it's a disaster again. They also still pee in the bed every night.
Just read this part. For one, considering how you feel, why are you involved with scrubbing their walls or dealing with their bedding. Let their dad do it. If you were acting like a mum towards them accepted it as your role, then fair enough, but you are clearly not, so let him act like a parent, be it as a single parent for the time being.

I also agree that if they are both still peeing in their bed, there might be some serious issues, which frankly would not be surprising considering their situation. I can understand that their dad would see it that they are his priorities because if he isn't, who is going to be?

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