A step-parent who could use a friend

[Stepparent25]

Hello all, this is my first thread. Since I can't afford counseling I thought I would give this a shot? I'm a step parent to 2 children that I recently have been repulsed by. My DH and I recently had a child together. She is the love of my life and so is he. I love our little family but not the family that includes his 2 children. Mentally I am not in a good place. I could truly use a friend to talk to that can relate. Thank you very much.

Do you spend any time doing things with them individually? Have you made opportunities to bond with them without any distractions? Do you reward them for good behaviour or is it your dh that does all of that?

@Ermm it sounds like she's trying to remove herself from the situation when she feels like this (hiding out in room etc). Not saying it's ideal that she is having these feelings but she is and is human so has to deal with it somehow. Doesn't sound like she's taking it out on the kids. But the op does need to get professional help on dealing with these feelings.
Just don't understand why the stepmum always gets the blame. She is likely not the cause of their issues. The absent mother probably is!

Yes, enough with the piling in on op and saying she is a horrible person for feeling how she feels. She is telling us how she feels and has not said anything at all that indicates she is somehow being cruel to her dss. How she feels and what she does are two different things.

The peeing in the bed does sound like they are traumatised-likely from their mothers behaviour. Although some kids do just do this - I have a friend with one dc who does. But the fact that it both indicates trauma.

I can completely empathize with you, my DSS is now 17, been with his dad for 12 years. Before we had children together it was 'fine', and then when we had our DD's it became different. I felt Very resentful towards him, and I didn't actually know why. I didn't want to feel like that, occasionally now I feel that way. We don't see him as much now, that came with age, he's doing his own thing. I've learned to ' deal with it' over time, I decided I wanted to spend my life with his father and that he came with him. It's not always ideal, but it's life.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you need to realise that they need a stable mother figure in their lives, you can be that.

How do they respond to you as a person/stepmother? If they are difficult with you, their dad needs to step in.

You have been given the chance to make these boys' lives 100 times better, run with it.

Really valid input there really

I'm not surprised they are wetting the bed, I did at their ages and my trauma was just caused by shitty parents and step parents, no in jail mother for me to cope with.

You need to leave and sort yourself out, no child should have to live with you while you behave like this. It's cruel, they need a loving home, living with you like this will break them added onto what they have already been through.

I hope their dad finds this thread.

I don’t really care, to be honest. I wouldn’t speak about a dog the way this woman has spoken about these children.

Fucking hell. I'm not the most maternal woman around myself but "repulsed" by your step-children who have no mother? To the point you have to hide in your bedroom because you hate even their voices?

You need to give yourself a slap and a kick up the backside. These are children you are talking about, not vermin. And not just any children but your husband's sons. You are all they've got to love and protect them.

If you really can't muster a bit of kindness for their sake, do it for your own - they will be adults one day and guess whose guts they will hate forever.

Following on from what Cote said, which I agree with in its entirety, these are your daughters brothers.

You may find she is less than impressed with the treatment of her siblings as she grows up.

Op, it’s harsh when is being said to you but at the same time, I think you need to hear it.

You’re using an open forum to be brutally honest about your feelings to two boys who by the sounds of it, have already had a rough start. Your feelings like to a counsellor wouldn’t reveal so much honesty that other posters have put here.

I lived with a step parent from the age of 6. They couldn’t have been any better of a parent to me, and are now classed as my DF (I rarely describe him as DSD). So what did he do that you could do?

Age 6-11: he played with me, provided for me, loved my mum unconditionally and us as part of the package, showed me love and kindness, cuddled me when I was scared or sad, made me laugh so hard all the time; encouraged a relationship with actual DF; was disappointed when I made mistakes but encouraged me and love me despite them.

Age 12-20: he looked out for my education, provided advice based on his own mistakes and experiences, he had my back with anything (boys!) that made me sad or pissed off, never talked badly of actual DF, organised birthday parties / events, was my Taxi to / from work and to where I wanted to go, picked me up at 3am outside a nightclub!

I know I’m writing really obvious things down, but perhaps you need to see what being a parent is since you’re still in this “loved up” stage of parenting where everything is babies giggling and being cute.

Parenting is fucking hard but being a step parent takes that little extra effort. My DSd never tried to be my dad. But his love for me was from day 1 when he entered my DM’s life. He became our family because of how he behaved towards me and my DSis

I hope you work this out.

Appraiser that's the best post on this thread, truly constructive and kind

Why are you doing the cleaning and tidying after the boys?
Why did you have to get married so quickly? Whose idea was it?
I just wonder how you ended up being in the situation that you are taking on the shit wife work and pregnant, without really any planning about how the family dynamics would work.

Because I think resentment is some way normal in this situation, but it has got way beyond that. What are your DH’s expectations of the situation? There are two of you here.

It sounds like DC need counselling too, to be honest, you need someone who will support all of you here.

Appraiser, that's all very well, but maybe you were a 'normal' kid, by that I mean a kid who is far from perfect but who you can relate to and interact at the same level.

OP hasn't said much about these boys and we have no idea how they are beyond the fact that they wet the bed which 'could' be an indication of issues, and having a mum in and out of their lives, who is in jail, who we can assume they lived and bonded with before and now don't see any longer.

Some kids are just not very likable, not because of them as such but because of what they've become as they grown up. I know that I would really struggle to get to the point of liking some of my friends' kids because they represent all I dislike in kids, however, I would move in with my friends! There lies the issue, the OP has chosen to take on a man with kids who from the start she disliked profusely but somehow decided that all would sort itself out miraculously because she wasn't prepared to consider that it might not.

I expect these kids very much know how OP feels about them. You don't need to be horrible to kids for them to know they are not liked and feeling rejected. The more I speak with my kids who are now teenagers, the more I realise how well they had analysed situations when they were younger I assumed they were totally oblivious too. Kids who go through tough times are especially perceptive because they learn to self-protect themselves and therefore become more astute to their environment.

OP might be going through a particular stressful time so it's all coming out much worse than it normally is, at least we can hope so, however, I have sympathy because at least she acknowledges that the issue is with her not them and she needs to change, not them and that takes someone who does care deep inside to do so.

Oh I wish I didn't read this thread. What a sad thread to post during the most happiest times of the year for young children. I feel so sorry for boys.

I bet if the mum was in the picture and had the kids the poster would be the new wife/girlfriend encouraging no contact as her partner has a new baby and new family to look after now.
This thread is disgusting that someone can be so awful towards children

Swing of things, we went to the doctor about it and found out that it can be hereditary. My husband did not stop bed wetting until 8 years old. Now they are older then that now but that's just something the doctor pointed out. I let him parent but he is a messy person. (This was how he was raised, he lived with 12 other siblings ((HUGE FAMILY)) this has rubbed off on his children. Wrappers thrown in the floor, urine left on the toilet seats, cans of soda on the floor, etc and when the boys break something they'll just walk away and never tell us how it break or who broke it..then on top of that it takes forever to actually get the ultimate truth of who did it.

I'm not saying I hate them I just get very irritated QUICK with them whereas if my DD were to scream for an hour I would hold her tight and it wouldn't phase me. I want to get to a point where everything they do will not annoy me.

What? Your DH leaves that kind of mess?!

Irvineoneahone, they actually had a wonderful Christmas and got all the presents they asked for and love from everyone including from my side of the family. They treat these boys like they are blood related. A true part of the family..

Love from everyone, but you said you didn't love them and you resented them.
Toys don't equal love

Boys that age is a hard work, I know I have one. But the thing is, you are an adult who choose to marry a man with kids, they didin't. That's the fact.

My husband took full custody of them when they were 1 and 2 years old. It was a nasty mess from the story he told me. She was abusing medication, horrible fights that got physical, threats, etc. She went to jail and my husband took full custody. So (from what husband says) the boys did not really have a special bond. I am not saying that their bad children but some of the things they do annoy me to no end. I could give some examples? Also, my husband and I parenting styles are much different. I can give examples of that too.

Can you go to the doctor and ask for CBT?

Sillysausage, this is true. I was just saying they acted like they had a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas by their attitudes.

Icedcocoa, I'm just a clean person and I don't mind cleaning for the most part. Like I said I'm a tad bit on the OCD side..like if it isn't clean like I want it I will end up doing it over! My husband proposed out of the blue..he gets lazy on parenting at times. For example if they back talk him he will just ignore it at times but my blood boils when they do it to him.