A step-parent who could use a friend

[Stepparent25]

Hello all, this is my first thread. Since I can't afford counseling I thought I would give this a shot? I'm a step parent to 2 children that I recently have been repulsed by. My DH and I recently had a child together. She is the love of my life and so is he. I love our little family but not the family that includes his 2 children. Mentally I am not in a good place. I could truly use a friend to talk to that can relate. Thank you very much.

I get what you're saying unicorn but there's a massive difference between "playing a role" in a child's life and being expected to take on the majority of household which includes, by default, child-related chores just because you're female. I've previously been a lodger with a landlord who had his children on a week on, week off pattern. I did the odd favour such as babysitting, cooked the occasional family dinner. Simply sharing the household with his kids and doing the odd favour for them was a completely different experience to being the stepparent I am now.

Unicorn - as it should be but on this forum, all you ever hear about is SMs resenting the brief time their SDCs get with their father, how it is no their job to run SDC to footy practice once in a blue moon, do a school pick up, look after for an hour till DF gets home.

It never ceases to amaze me that SMs expect their DP to "be a parent" to their own DC, his/her SDC but when their DCs come into the house a barrier goes down and the SM is exploited.

Pleased to see there is sense in some peoples lives.

I agree if you become a step parent you do accept a parental role of some sorts however you rarely see many men complaining about step children. My dh does for ds without so much as a second thought , the same he does with the other two dc because to him he’s just one of the kids in our family. We don’t define his relationship with ds he is as much a parent as I am. For example last year DH recieved his Christmas bonus which was divided between all three dc. Never in a million years would he have said ds get less because he’s not his or because he gets more at his df house. Yet time and time again you see many resentful posts from step mothers who don’t like the fact their own dc don’t get double the amount of presents or that they want to spend more on their own dc.

I also hope this post isn't true but...
You say you can't afford counselling, so talk to the Samaritans (free) and research local parenting organisations that offer support.
From the background info you describe, you must've have had a pretty good idea of what you were getting yourself into. I am sure these children are no angels at times, but they are children and a product of their upbringing (nb. includes you). They need and deserve love, security and acceptance.
You sound unwell and you do need help, please get it.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think you're getting a rough time on here, I understand how you feel! BUT......other posters are right in saying, you married and had a child with, the father of two motherless children, no matter how you feel, you can bet they feel worse.
I would say, you need to have a damn good think about, whether you'll be able to cope with this, and if you can't, then you're probably best off on your own, because he will always be their father, they like your baby, will always be his children!

I feel sorry for all the negative posts on here. its not easy to be a step parent and to slate her for being brave enough to say out loud doesn't help the situation.

I agree op is brave, and everyone has dark side in their heart. But the language op used(repulsive?) seems to suggest she is just not interested to work with kids to make the situation better , which seems really irresponsible after marrying a man with kids.

Brave would be the op either getting help or walking away. These children shouldn't have to live with her like this.

There is nothing brave about the language she has used to describe these children.

I Joined this group yesterday hoping to meet like minded people that struggling being a step mum .... but this post has put me off. You have proper roasted this poor woman.

everyone has emotions, people feel emotions negative or positive, maybe your all very lucky with amazing step kids and if so your very lucky. for some of us its NOT that easy .

to be fair her use of language maybe not good, sorry OP but It not an easy job and not all of us have lovely kids to deal with.

mine are all adults 18 upwards to 30's still not easy

I was a SM and also had a child with DP. What you describe is not only hurting you but also young children. Your own loved child is also going to be affected, seeing that different children are not liked, her sisters.

I know you are looking for sympathetic ears, but sympathy is not the best call for your situation. You describe intense feelings of hatred, you describe locking yourself away. You also seem to have a deep resentment and a wish to wipe away your partner’s previous life. You admit this comes from you. It sounds as if you have a lot of growing up to do and you regret your situation. This is not healthy for anyone in your family household.

You must get a grip and think clearly.

• your ideal of no step kids is not reality. You will never attain this. Let it go.
• Your step kids cannot erase themselves. Neither can they change the situation. They are not doing anything wrong.
• This is not a bad dynamic that can get better through your DP changing.
• Your love for your child comes with resentment for her sisters. That’s not great for her growing up. She can only have peace with the fact that she has siblings, if you are at peace with the fact that she has siblings.

Find a really good counselor in cbt / step parenting. Go as a couple or your own. Give it a time frame. Be honest with your partner, a trusted friend and family member.

If you are still feeling this intensely loathing in say 6 months - then you need to leave for all of your sakes. Including you and your child’s.

Op, I felt like this. But that relationship failed. The irony was his DD was a lovely girl, all be it very mixed up. And had been effected by her parents split. Over involvement by her grandparents. Her dad was a helicopter parent.

Does Dad treat your baby different to his own DC?
Maybe try building a relationship with them? So fun things.

I just can't understand what miracle you expected once you got married.

The children or you were not going to get a personality transplant after the wedding.

Make no mistake..a child knows they aren't liked in a class of 30 at school..so you bet they know they aren't liked in a house of 3 children... and they can see how patient and tolerant you are with their sister.

You didn't like them from the get go... so why did you hang around. Of all the hundreds and thousands of men.... why didn't you find one without children?

There's a lot of mollycoddling going on ... you walked into this relationship with your eyes wide open.

Now you can't stand their voices and lock yourself away from them. Kids can be a handful. Boys especially can be terribly noisy and challenging... added to the lack of their mother in their lives as well.

You aren't expected to love them as you love your daughter...but they are your husbands children in exactly the same way your DD is.

If you can't get over this...those boys will be better without you in their lives.

I think this could be due to your recent baby - I'm in a similar situation, although I do still have a great relationship with my step kids.

Seems to me that when my SD &SS are over I become a single parent to my baby and for want of a better word, we get 'ditched' while OH and the older kids go out swimming or to cinema etc. Or even things like my OH making SC lunch I am stuck with the baby. Think he presumes looking after the baby is my full time job and he only needs to assist.

I didn't think a baby would change our great relationship but I think it does. It's natural at first to resent your step children slightly for dividing your OHs attention from you and your baby but you need to remember that you are all one big family.

I'm just hoping my situation gets better because this really isn't how I imagined family life!

Hang in there and try talk it through with your partner, his kids aren't going anywhere and you can't expect them to! Imagine if you were your OH.