Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

1 2 3 4

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Reality check needed

83 replies

ladyofassumption · 02/12/2017 09:42

Hi all,

Been struggling recently, feeling envious of my ex's lifestyle. Starting to question the level of support I receive. Would love to hear if this is normal or what others receive.
We were never married - 1DC.
Ex pays above 'standard requirement in child support'
EEW arrangement - plus when I need extra he picks up the slack.
Plus
Pays private school fees +books + uniform
Buys clothes, trainers, toys, days out etc
Offers of overseas holiday for DC (I've never allowed DC to go, don't want to be apart for 2 weeks)
Buys Christmas/birthday gifts.
Will contribute or pay for birthday party.
Despite this I struggle, live hand to mouth and never have extra. I work part time.
Looking at his lifestyle I think I should be more comfortable, but have no idea how to go about claiming more. Any advice ?

OP posts:

Report

EggysMom · 02/12/2017 10:24

can't work full time as want to spend time with DC

We all WANT that. Do you think we choose to work full-time? No, we do it because we need that full-time income.

Report

swingofthings · 02/12/2017 11:14

can't work full time as want to spend time with DC.
Well that's a luxury your ex doesn't get, does he? You can't have it all, plenty of quality time and money. You pick.

Report

Magda72 · 02/12/2017 11:16

OP - whether you were married or not your ex is under no obligation to support YOU - that's your job! You are a full grown, autonomous adult who does not need to be 'minded' by anyone else!
If you want more money for yourself get up off your arse & get a job. Yes you'll have to sacrifice some time with your kids but so do lots of other people. Your ex also has to sacrifice time with his kids as he's not the RP but is obviously working to provide for them.
Also - stop letting him pay for all the extras - birthdays etc. - have a bit of self pride & go splits at least some of the time.

Report

wheresthel1ght · 02/12/2017 11:26

Dp and I are not married, we have dd together and he has dss and dsd with his ex. She is like you and expects us to fund her lavish lifestyle. Forget it. He is already paying far more than you are towards your kids so what exactly do you pay for?

Denying your kids an overseas holiday because YOU don't want to be apart from them is selfish, spiteful and down right evil. In the nicest way - grow the hell up.

He is doing far more than he legally needs to, he is funding your kids the lifestyle they had before ie holidays and private education.

If you want more then go out and bloody earn it.

Report

ladyofassumption · 02/12/2017 11:29

I needed a reality check, and I've got it. I just look at where he is now and wish I was enjoying that similar standard. I will never earn anything like what he does and I've been stuck at home for 10 years raising our child. While his career has rocketed!

OP posts:

Report

RandomMess · 02/12/2017 11:41

Your child is 9/10 and you won't let him go away for 2 weeks with his Dad??? You need to loosen your apron strings and let him mature. Your angst at him being away is no justification to stop him going.

Report

NorthernSpirit · 02/12/2017 11:47

It’s really selfish of you not to let your child go away on holiday with the dad.

From what you say the dad gets to see the child every other weekend, so has to go 2 weeks without seeing the child.

You won’t let the child go on holiday with the day as you say you’ll miss them. That’s completely selfish and self absorbed. Do you not think the dad misses the child?

The kid is 10 and you won’t let them go away and you’re complaining that your earning capacity isn’t as high as the dads. You chose to be a stay at home mum (many mothers don’t have the luxury). Stop complaining and get out to work. If you want something you need to earn it.

Report

ladyofassumption · 02/12/2017 11:49

Yes there has been offers of 3 long haul and 2 tropical getaways .... I said no to all. I doubt he'll get asked again. Frankly I didn't want to deal with DC talking about it constantly and my ex's smug wife playing mum on a luxury holiday !

OP posts:

Report

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/12/2017 11:52

i bet he's glad he never married you.......

Report

CrashBangTrollop · 02/12/2017 11:54

Christ alive. It sounds like your ex is a great dad and I echo PPs in saying that stopping your DC enjoying a holiday abroad with him is bloody selfish. Why should they suffer because you can't bear 2 weeks apart from them? It's not all about you, your resentment shouldn't prevent your DC from having new experiences and getting the chance of quality time with their dad. What planet are you on?

Read some of the threads on here about utterly deadbeat dads, who only take an interest in their DC when they see the opportunity to use them as weapons without any genuine care or concern for them. You're incredibly fortunate, you do see that, don't you?

I work full time and barely see my DC. I HAVE to work, because I HAVE to provide for them. DC1's 'father' pays fuck all and has no involvement with him, because he'd much rather go around telling everyone what a crap mother I am and play the victim.

You aren't 'stuck at home'. 10 years? Your DC is plenty old enough for you to go full time and won't suffer for going to after school club for a couple of hours a day. YOU are in control of your life, if you want a 'similar standard' of lifestyle, bloody well go out and forge it for yourself.

Report

NorthernSpirit · 02/12/2017 11:56

You sound selfish and self absorbed.

You won’t let a 10 / 11 year old enjoy a holiday with their dad as you don’t want your child talking about it. How selfish of you.

If your EX took this to court he would be awarded a holiday.

I pity you. You are still emotionally attached and bitter and you are stopping your own child enjoying time with their dad.

When they are old enough to understand I hope for your sake your child doesn’t realise how selfish you’ve been.

My OH’s EW pulled thus stunt (a foreign holiday was agreed and booked and then the night before she changed her mind and wouldn’t let the children go). My OH took her to court and the judge told her how selfish her actions were and if she continued he wound take the children off her and they would live with the dad.

Grow up and let your child enjoy time with their dad.

Report

Quartz2208 · 02/12/2017 11:57

Yep you are wallowing

Firstly have you posted before about wanting him back and wishing you were his wife as it sounds a lot like that.

Secondly let your son go on holiday with them put him first

Report

VimFuego101 · 02/12/2017 12:07

He is responsible for supporting his child, not for supporting you.

Report

lunar1 · 02/12/2017 12:14

Did you post a while ago asking about a really crazy level of spousal maintenance on top of everything else?

Your child will be devastated when he is old enough to understand everything you have prevented him doing. He may never forgive you.

Report

Winosaurus · 02/12/2017 13:29

WTAF! So he’s supported his child above and beyond what he is legally required to and sounds like a good dad... he’s worked to get where he is and you feel like he owes you something???
I’m a single parent to 2 DCs aged 7 & 3 and I too have sacrificed my career to raise my children and I want to be earning more money.
BUT do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going back to university next September to get more qualified and start providing my family with more money.

Get a grip. Get a better job. Stop whining - he doesn’t have to support YOU. You sound like a sponge.

Report

FitBitFanClub · 02/12/2017 13:33

can't work full time as want to spend time with DC.

Then suck it up.
Jeez!

Report

HelloSquirrels · 02/12/2017 13:35

😂😂😂😂😂😂 get a grip!

Report

Mynametodaywillbe · 02/12/2017 13:42

You could have gone back to work full time years ago. It's shit not to see your ds as much but that's what most people do.

Being out of full time work for a few years would have limited your career and earning potential to a certain extent but not as much as working part time for 10 years has. Your ex has got a career and money because he's worked for it.

I can't believe you think you have it bad with everything that gets paid for. The money your earn must be there to spend on you with so many expenses subsidised.

Your poor ds is being denied the opportunity to go on holiday because of your selfishness.

When are you going back to work full time? You do realise that once your DS is older you won't get a penny from your ex and if you're still in part time work at that point you will certainly struggle to get anything that pays even remotely well.

Report

MotherCupboard · 02/12/2017 13:46

He sounds like a great parent. You on the other hand...

Report

NC4now · 02/12/2017 14:11

Is this a wind up?

Report

Haidees · 02/12/2017 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notreallyarsed · 02/12/2017 14:43

You’ve denied your child the chance to go on wonderful holidays, you claim to want to be at home and then whinge about being stuck at home, and none, not one bit of what you’re moaning about is considering what’s best for your child. Poor boy.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Email address

You've subscribed!

Notreallyarsed · 02/12/2017 14:44

Oh and it was fly as fuck posting here where first wives are priority and stepparents are the devil. Didn’t quite work out as you wanted though eh?

Report

swingofthings · 02/12/2017 14:48

I don't believe you! I do believe they are exes like you but I don't believe any would openly admit to what you are writing.

Report

elland · 02/12/2017 15:02

can't work full time as want to spend time with DC.

I think the words you should have used were "I don't want to so I'm choosing not to work full time as I want to spend time with DC"

I would love to work part time so I can spend time with my DS who's nearly 1 but I can't because I can't afford it.

Your ex is paying his fair share (and what more would consider and more than) yet you think you should have more. How about taking some responsibility for your own life now, yes it might seem unfair that your ex has that lifestyle and you facilitated to a point by staying home BUT life isn't fair!

I'm sorry but you need a major wake up call and realise that it's not up to everyone else to facilitate a more than average lifestyle! I also think it's very unfair that you won't let your child go on holiday with his dad because of your own jealousy! As long as he's capable of looking after him you're very wrong to deny your child the chance to spend that time with his dad (no matter how luxurious it it's!)

Honestly you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a major grip.