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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Reality check needed

83 replies

ladyofassumption · 02/12/2017 09:42

Hi all,

Been struggling recently, feeling envious of my ex's lifestyle. Starting to question the level of support I receive. Would love to hear if this is normal or what others receive.
We were never married - 1DC.
Ex pays above 'standard requirement in child support'
EEW arrangement - plus when I need extra he picks up the slack.
Plus
Pays private school fees +books + uniform
Buys clothes, trainers, toys, days out etc
Offers of overseas holiday for DC (I've never allowed DC to go, don't want to be apart for 2 weeks)
Buys Christmas/birthday gifts.
Will contribute or pay for birthday party.
Despite this I struggle, live hand to mouth and never have extra. I work part time.
Looking at his lifestyle I think I should be more comfortable, but have no idea how to go about claiming more. Any advice ?

OP posts:

oinon · 02/12/2017 16:05

Sorry op but you must be living way above your means if it's that bad!

I'm s single Mum to 4 I get no support for my ex in terms of money or looking after his children! I work part time and my kids go without nothing and nor do I! They do all clubs, gave latest gadgets the same as all there friends and I manage a two week abroad holiday every year along with a weeks caravan break in this country!

And no I have no debts! I'm careful and I manage my money

Can I ask why you split who's choice was it?

PatriciaHolm · 02/12/2017 16:19

You say on another thread that your child is nearly a teen, and has already said he wants to spend Christmas with his dad. What are you going to do when he's old enough to decide he wants to go on these holidays?

You are letting jealousy eat you up. It will destroy you and your relationship with your son if you let it.

Magda72 · 02/12/2017 16:46

OP - you sound so like my dps ex it is unreal. Where do women like you get this sense of entitlement from??? I know loads of single mums who work or study full time & who manage great & who's children are doing fantastically. Your ex was not put on this earth to to look after you!
If you are the same woman who posted a while back, everyone advised you to get some professional help & yet you are back on here again!
If you are genuinely depressed then please take the bull by the horns & get yourself sorted. If you're not then you need to cop on.

Justoneme · 02/12/2017 16:50

Are you for real OP? Bonkers

misscheery · 02/12/2017 16:55

Your kid was offered a tropical holiday and you said no. This is so selfish Also.... you are fully aware of the fact that single moms that work full time (because they didn't even consider not to!) make a lot of memories with their children, don't you?

If you want a different lifestyle, it needs to be funded by yourself. He helps way above the average, and you only work part time. Not fair....

Aroundtheworldandback · 02/12/2017 17:52

Why do you feel you should be more comfortable? It’s his responsibility to make his child comfortable, not yours!!

Aroundtheworldandback · 02/12/2017 18:13

*child’s

Original poster

ladyofassumption · 02/12/2017 21:37

I know, I know I need to get a grip .... I'm trying to look at the positives but it's so hard ! DC is getting older and realise that he soon may be able to make his own choices and that scares me. It scares me that I can't offer him the same standard of living. To a degree I feel my ex should support me after all I've do for his child. His wife doesn't need to work (but she does) and she doesn't have a child to care for. .... Talk has been made of a 3/4 week holiday to the other side of the world next summer. Which I can tell DS is desperate to go on ... not sure how a feel about that. I think I would accept it if it was just a father son bonding thing, but hate the idea of his wife being there ...

OP posts:

BritInUS1 · 02/12/2017 21:45

YABU

You are getting more than most people get to give your child a good lifestyle.

You are struggling because you don't want to get a job because you want to spend time with the DC - you need to go and get a job

You are also being very selfish denying your child overseas holidays because you don't want to be apart from him. I think you need a reality check on this and let him go and have new experiences

Belleoftheball8 · 02/12/2017 21:47

Your a disgrace op. Your ex doesn’t owe anything. I worked full time with a one year old as a single mother.

elland · 02/12/2017 21:47

Do you not think you should put your child's feelings ahead of your own? He won't forget any of this when he's an adult and he'll resent you for not letting him do these things, which parent do you think he'll choose to spend his time with then?

You are not doing any of you any favours.

cheesypastatonight · 02/12/2017 21:48

Why do you think it's okay to be so selfish?

DullAndOld · 02/12/2017 21:48

get a job and let your child go on holiday with his father.
fgs private school fees etc etc!!

Belleoftheball8 · 02/12/2017 21:55

You need to stop the self pity threads get off your arse and do something. Get a full time
Job, encourage your son to have a loving relationship with your dad.

NorthernSpirit · 02/12/2017 21:55

Yes, you do need to get a grip.

How old is you son? 10 / 11? He’ll be making his own choices very soon.

Why should your ex support you? You weren’t married and even if you were he has no responsibility to support you. He only has a responsibility to support his child. You need to get some self respect and realise that no one owes you a living. It’s upto you to support yourself.

His wife doesn’t need to work but does. Good on her. She has self respect and is independent. Qualities you should be displaying to your own child. She sounds like a good role model.

You hate the idea of your EX’s wife going on holiday. Get a grip. He’s moved on and got married. You need to detach emotionally and get on with your own life.

Magda72 · 02/12/2017 21:55

His wife doesn't need to work (but she does) and she doesn't have a child to care for. ....
OP - people work for many reasons. Has is ever occurred to you that his wife may love her job, want a career, or wish to contribute to their household?
You have massive issues & you honestly sound quite unhinged which really makes me wonder if this thread is 'real'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2017 22:09

Oh it’s you... Worried you won’t be able to manipulate your teenage son for much longer.

I posted on your thread about Christmas and didn’t realise the bigger picture. Including your ex paying the deposit on your house because you don’t want to work enough to stand on your own two feet and be a responsible adult.

Part of me feels quite sorry for you, you’re stuck in wanting what your ex has even though you don’t want him, but I’m equally appalled by your blinding entitlement, selfishness, jealousy and possessive attitude to your child.

A reality check you say? Appreciate how much your ex does for you when he owes you nothing, what he does for his son and the opportunities he’s trying to give him. And a gentle reminder that all the extra stuff over child maintenance could disappear any day and will definitely stop in a few years when your son turns 18 and the gravy train comes to a halt as anything your ex gives your son will go directly to him.

How are you going to pay your bills then? Why does you teen need you at home now meaning you can justify working part time even though you can’t afford it? You’re not the first person to think that having shared a child with someone they’re now separate from means they owe you whatever lifestyle you fancy forever. But you know it’s highly unreasonable and it’s not going to last forever. Your ex sounds like a decent man, a good dad and a hell of a reasonable ex!

Let you son have a happy, full life. Dear god let him go on nice holidays, why wouldn’t you? Yes you’ll miss him but you’ll cope fine and he’ll be happy you’ve let him make his own decisions and had wonderful opportunities. It’s not going to be easy loosening the apron strings but it’s the best thing for your son and for you. You want him to enjoy spending time with his mum, sharing parts of his life with you. Not doing it out of guilt or obligation.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2017 22:13

It’s the third of its type magda so I think it might be, and it is interesting if so to hear an ex’s side of the story when the MN masses prefer to pretend grasping people of the sort a lot of divorced parents and their subsequent wives/partners are dealing with are fantastical or an exaggeration. So many people assume it’s a reverse or can’t be true. If only...

FedUpWithBriiiiiick · 02/12/2017 22:29

I know it's been refuted but OH MY GOD REVERSE

Magda72 · 02/12/2017 22:37

What exactly is a reverse?
Confused.

inthenameotheweeman · 03/12/2017 00:09

FFS get a grip! This is your third post this week on the same theme. You’re bitter and twisted and I hope your DS sees through you pretty damn quick.

TwoDots · 03/12/2017 08:30

Is this the same poster who wanted her ex back a few weeks ago?

GeorgeTheHamster · 03/12/2017 08:37

You're probably eligible for tax credits as the maintenance isn't taken into account, though it will be in a few years when they get universal credit fully up and running.

You're also an example of why a woman should never have a child with a high earner and compromise her earning capacity without being married.

AuntLydia · 03/12/2017 10:03

A reverse is where someone writes a thread, supposedly from the other person's point of view, but they are always so ridiculously obvious that there's no point doing them. In this case it reads as if the current wife is writing it about the husband's ex because she is so blatant about wanting her ex's money for her own lifestyle.

Dollyparton3 · 03/12/2017 10:21

Has it occurred to you OP that your ex’s new wife may be contributing to all the support you get and your child financially? Because that’s what happens in our house.

I work full time, therefore we have more disposable income and the kids get a lot more treats now that their dad could ever afford 5 years ago when he was on his own, that comes from our joint financial contributions which also go towards pocket money, days out, clothes, food, holidays etc. We’re even saving jointly for their saving accounts and car funds.

If I was you sat at home not working I’d be thankful that the new wife works full time, not jealous that she “doesn’t need to”. She probably does need to in order to support the ex wife of the poor man she married and not bankrupt them in the process.

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