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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step children and presents

67 replies

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 09:38

I’m interested to hear other people’s opinions on this issue. I have one DC (11) from a previous relationship, and I have been with my DH for 4 years. My DC has no contact with his late father’s family (a whole other story).

DH has several siblings and they all have 2-3 children each. Everybody, including us buys birthday presents for all our nieces and nephews, but none buy for my DC’s birthday, only for Christmas.

I’m not being grabby, I hope, as my DC wants for nothing, but am I correct in thinking this is a bit rude? I can’t imagine if my sister had a step child, that I would blatantly leave them out like this. My DC is likely to be my DH’s only child, due to health issues.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Migraleve · 28/11/2017 09:47

They are utter cunts for leaving your DS out. My half brothers family used to do this to me every Christmas. He would get loads of gifts and I got one shitty box of jellied sweeties or the like, one year I even got a packet of shirts for school!

I still to this day can't understand why my mother or step father allowed it to happen.

Alittlepotofrosie · 28/11/2017 09:48

I wouldn't buy for any nieces and nephews in those circumstances.

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 09:53

I don't think it's at all fair to call them cunts.

Your child is not actually their nephew. Sure it would be nice if they treated him as such, but they don't have to. There is tendency by people to blend families and expect everyone in their family to feel the exact same way as them, when that is unrealistic and unfair.

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 09:55

Thanks for all the replies. The thing is Tiny, I’m still buying presents for their children though. 4 of their DC have been born after I met DH, so they only know me as their aunt and my DC as their cousin.

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Migraleve · 28/11/2017 09:55

don't think it's at all fair to call them cunts

Oh I do. They are excluding an 11 year old child. It's disgusting behaviour. Unnecessary and downright cruel.

Yes they are indeed a bunch of cunts.

How could anyone be so nasty to a child.

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 09:57

I should add, it’s not a massive issue for me, but I just think it seems rude. If DH and I were to have any more DC, I wouldn’t be accepting any presents for one child, if the other was being left out. We probably won’t have any though, so at least it should go become an issue.

OP posts:

BootsCats · 28/11/2017 10:04

I have a step daughter who's 11, I met dh when she was 3 and my family have always bought presents for her for Christmas and birthdays. Her photo is on the wall in my nans house along with all her other great grandchildren and she is included in every family thing that we have and always has been. She has never been treated any differently to any other child in the family, so to me to leave an 11 year old out is disgusting. Adults leaving any child out of anything purposely is awful. What does you dh feel about it?

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 10:07

My DH agrees with me I suspect, but he hasn’t said much. He didn’t disagree with me when I pointed it out on DC’s last birthday though. One of our nephew’s birthdays is coming up next week (he’s also 11), so it’ll be interesting.

On the other hand, my PIL are lovely and treat my DC exactly the same as their biological grandchildren.

OP posts:

Cabininthewoods69 · 28/11/2017 10:12

My sister buys for my step children and they are grown ups 19 and 23 they don't buy presents for my sister's family but it works nicely

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 10:14

I wouldn't (and don't) do it, but the point remains that you can't make everyone feel the same way as you.
I wouldn't be buying them presents if I were you, OP.

NataliaOsipova · 28/11/2017 10:18

They probably don't know the date of his birthday. That's a bit rubbish if you buy for their kids - and it does imply that they don't see him as their nephew -, but I'll bet it's that rather than any attempt to be deliberately exclusionary. If it bothers you, stop buying for their kids on the pretext of "oh, I thought you just wanted to do Christmas and not birthdays?".

OlafLovesAnna · 28/11/2017 10:19

I think I'd just drop to only buying Christmas presents for the nephews and nieces. If it's not questioned then they're obviously not too fussed but if they do ask then you can just say that you thought you weren't doing birthday presents any more as your DS didn't have any from them.

They may well just be very lax re gifts and occasions, for example I love my brother and his family very much and our daughters are a couple of years apart in age we each forgot the other child's birthday this year as neither of us are good at that sort of thing but it's not a problem. OTOH my DHs new niece was born so I sent a card v quickly knowing that it matters to their family a lot but I was making a blanket for the baby and wasn't finished yet, a few days later DH got a shitty email telling him off for not sending a present.

In conclusion (sorry, long tangent!) they're not being fair to your boy and you should clarify the situation with them gently or just drop the Birthday presents from you.

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 11:21

Thanks everyone. I do think it’s carelessness/thoughtlessness rather than them being spiteful, but I agree it’s probably best just to stick with Christmas presents from now on. They definitely know when his birthday is, they will all have seen it on FB etc, but maybe it’s just a lack of thought on their part.

OP posts:

WhiteCat1704 · 28/11/2017 12:21

My brother is a step dad to a 11 year old and I never bought him anything for his birthday. I really don't know when it is..We gave himna gift fir xmas last year but he didn't spend it with us but with his father..

I like the boy a lot but he is not as close as any of my brothers biological children would be..it's just how it is and there is no ill intent of thought. I like his mum a lot too...he also gets spoiled rotten with gifts from both his parents so I never thought there was an issue...

Now after reading this thread I will ask my brother...

LoverOfCake · 28/11/2017 12:27

"Your child is not actually their nephew. Sure it would be nice if they treated him as such, but they don't have to. There is tendency by people to blend families and expect everyone in their family to feel the exact same way as them, when that is unrealistic and unfair." would you apply that logic to e.g. A partner marrying into the family? So e.g. You marry a man and because you are married to him it's unfair to expect the family to accept him? No? Then why does that logic apply to step children?

If you marry someone and expect them to become a part of the family then the same applies if you bring step children into a family IMO.

WhiteCat1704 · 28/11/2017 12:36

Well no..you marry your partner not their child. Plus a relationship with somebody married into a family is usually hmm less tight anyway..i.e. my brothers blood children will be and feel closer to me than his step son..its blood.

swingofthings · 28/11/2017 12:43

They got to know your DS when he was 7 or 8, but they probably still haven't built in his birthday in their mind as you would for a nephew/niece who you've celebrated their birth.

Also, they might assume that the present is coming from your OH and not know you fully contribute to it, even if your name is also on it.

Maybe your OH could say something to them, but in a non confrontational way.

ElChan03 · 28/11/2017 12:52

I kind of disagree with this.
I have 2 step children and I place my family and friends under no obligation to buy them presents for Christmas and birthdays. If they buy something then that's lovely... however with 2 families already buying for them... I don't see why they should expect anything extra. I obviously buy jointly with dad and the presents come from us. I know blended families should treat each other like family but I don't think there should be any expectations of step parents extended families. If it upsets you about them not buying for ds then drop buying for theirs and just do Christmas.

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 13:48

It’s interesting to read all the replies here. ElChan is your DH happy enough to have your family money going towards your blood nephews’ and nieces’ presents, only for his own DC not to receive anything from their parents? I guess it’s not such an issue if finances are separate though.

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Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 13:53

I suppose the other issue here is that when we do buy DH’s nieces and nephews presents, it is very much me that is doing it, rather than DH. This is due to me having a much higher income, which isn’t a problem for us per se. His family are bound to know this, due to our jobs. But with his Dnephews’s birthday coming up soon, I’m very conscious that it’ll be me getting the present, while BIL and SIL ignored my child’s birthday. I think sticking to Christmas only is the way forward.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 28/11/2017 13:58

@Peachyking000 - to me the issue here is you're doing the buying.
Bearing in mind you & dh only have your dc between you it is a bit thoughtless of his family though but it's not unreasonable of them.
If I were you I'd chat to dh, I'd stop paying for and buying the gifts - let him do that on his budget as they're his dnieces & dnephews.
Personally I'd never expect my dps income to go towards gifts for my extended family - he's enough to buy for his own extended family.

ElChan03 · 28/11/2017 14:08

peachyking I buy my family presents from my own earnings. As I said I don't put them under any obligation but my mum does buy a small something for them. I don't have any siblings so I guess it's slightly different as I have no dn/n

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 14:20

Ok, thanks again for the replies, it has all given me food for thought. I’ll chat to DH when the next birthday and see what he thinks.

OP posts:

Catzpyjamas · 28/11/2017 14:29

Invite them to your DCs next birthday and then they will definitely know the date and hopefully have the good grace to buy a gift, even if not attending.

wednesdayswench · 28/11/2017 14:41

I think it is terribly that they exclude him!

For those suggesting dropping gifts down to just Christmas gifts to mirror their behaviour, I disagree, I would be doing the exact opposite. I would buy a fantastic & thoughtful gift for DN's upcoming birthday and I would have your DS write the card from the three of you (this making a definite point that gifts are from your whole family)

And possibly invite them to celebrate DS next birthday (possibly include the cousins for a birthday outing)?

And if no gift is forthcoming then I'd be mentioning it to them after that.

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