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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step children and presents

67 replies

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 09:38

I’m interested to hear other people’s opinions on this issue. I have one DC (11) from a previous relationship, and I have been with my DH for 4 years. My DC has no contact with his late father’s family (a whole other story).

DH has several siblings and they all have 2-3 children each. Everybody, including us buys birthday presents for all our nieces and nephews, but none buy for my DC’s birthday, only for Christmas.

I’m not being grabby, I hope, as my DC wants for nothing, but am I correct in thinking this is a bit rude? I can’t imagine if my sister had a step child, that I would blatantly leave them out like this. My DC is likely to be my DH’s only child, due to health issues.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PSMum2 · 28/11/2017 15:12

It is absolutely fair to call them cunts.

The whole “he isn’t their nephew” is bullshit. Their kids aren’t her nieces and nephews either and she buys for them.

The only excuse they have is if they don’t buy for their other nieces and nephews birthdays. What does your husband say about this? It costs almost noting to buy a child a gift. They seem like really nasty people.

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 15:20

They don't need an excuse and it does not make them nasty people.

It must be restful in a way to have such a black and white, harsh view of the world. No need to actually think.

PSMum2 · 28/11/2017 15:38

Yes it’s terrible thinking all children in a family should be treated equal. I’m such a bitter, rigid person.

DullAndOld · 28/11/2017 15:41

" it does not make them nasty people. "

yes it does it makes them total cunts to expect presents for their own children from OP but get nothing for OP's son....

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 15:41

It's not up to you to tell other people what they should consider family. It's up to themselves.

Hoplittlerabbit · 28/11/2017 15:44

I’m not sure about this to be honest. They probably think the presents come from your DH rather than you as a family.
My DP and I both have kids from previous relationships and have tons of nieces and nephews.
I don’t buy or contribute to his family’s gifts and he doesn’t to mind although we always put everyone’s names on the cards.
His family don’t buy for my kids birthdays or Christmas and my family doesn’t buy for his kids. Doesn’t seem odd to me and it doesn’t bother anyone because they are separate families, we have just chosen to be together

PSMum2 · 28/11/2017 15:47

In my family we have steps, “full” )for lack of a better term) and adopted. Every single one is treated the same by me. There are some who treat the steps and adopted kids differently. They are nasty people and I avoid them as much as I can. I was actually shocked when they started exhibiting this behavior. It never occurred to me that people could be like that, but those people exist. It’s very, very sad for the kids.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 28/11/2017 15:51

Sorry if this has already been asked, just trying to get a picture before I decide. When you buy the nieces and nephews presents, do they 100% know that you buy them or do they think it comes from your partner each time?

wednesdayswench · 28/11/2017 16:38

As with @UnicornsandRainbows1 question, do they know the gifts are from You, DH & your DS (are the cards signed from all of you as a family?)

FeistyColl · 28/11/2017 17:09

I totally understand why this makes you sad, but I don't agree with PPs calling your DH's family cunts.

I have seen loads of threads where step parents have been slated for referring to their step DC as "theirs". One thread currently about a step dad being called Dad by step daughter and there was general consensus that this was out of order. So, if it is agreed that step parent is a different relationship to parent, it follows logically that the step parent's family have a different relationship with the step DC. It is not the same as adopting dc where they become a full member of the family.

Each situation will be different, e.g. yours where your dc's Dad has died, and he has no contact with that side of the family. So although your dc does have a different position in the family as a step dc, it would be lovely if your DH's family had taken that onboard and included him fully.

Original poster

Peachyking000 · 28/11/2017 17:14

The presents for Dnephews and Dnieces are always sent with a card from all 3 of us. My in laws don’t know our finances inside out but they will be aware that I pay most of our bills. DH was out of work for quite a while and they’ll know that he was relying on me to help him out a lot.

OP posts:

DullAndOld · 28/11/2017 17:15

Peachy just keep sending the presents and then have a party for your child's birthday and make sure theyre invited..:):)

SanFranBear · 28/11/2017 17:17

Haven't RTFD, but it jumps out that you've been together 4 years - so your son has had this since he was only 7 yrs old

Nasty nasty behaviour

GeorgeTheHamster · 28/11/2017 17:20

I don't know, it's difficult. My brother has one son of his own, who lives with his mum. My brother Iives with a woman who has two sons and their father sadly died. They aren't married and I suspect won't get married. There was no announcement when they moved in together, I didn't even know his address for quite a while. If they separate I will never see those boys again.

I do buy for them all at Christmas and birthdays, and I buy equally. But to be honest I don't really see them as my family.

Sparkle331 · 28/11/2017 17:27

I dont think blood has anything to do with it, Its just plain rude! I wouldnt leave out a child just because it wasnt related to me by blood, Its mean.

CinnamonAndSpice · 28/11/2017 17:37

Stop buying for them. I would.
I know it's not a give to receive thing. However I'd sooner buy my DS things.
I'm lucky in that I'd know my dp before being in a relationship.. We made it. Official a few tests ago in the beginning December and that exact Xmas his family brought for my DS a small gift.. I brought for his neice and nephew and his dd.. A small gift
As time went on, we lived together engaged and expecting out own lo. And both our family treat both our children as their own.. Not ' step' cousin / nephews / grandchildren etc. They get treated he same
Why would they deliberately exclude your DS that's awful xx

PSMum2 · 28/11/2017 17:57

I wouldn’t stop buying for them. If you can afford to then continue and don’t stoop to their level. Hang in there. It’s quire shockingly to me that on a Step parents forum people are actively advocating for treating step children differently and as “less than”.

At the end of the day you can only do what you feel is best. It’s hard not to get caught up in other people's pettiness. Who knows what their issues are, but they are their issues not yours - even though it feels like they are as they are directly impacting your son.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 28/11/2017 20:00

Then stop buying for them and let your DH do it.

Step chidren may be taken on by a spouse but that doesn't mean the family has too. They have done nothing wrong.

Lots of people don't see step children the same as their actual family.

NorthernSpirit · 28/11/2017 20:49

Foul language on this post. Calling someone a c&nt is disgusting language.

That aside..... I agree it’s not fair. However it’s upto the other family if they choose to buy gifts. Do they realise how their behaviour is impacting? Rather than stop buying presents for their children (doing what they do). Why don’t you tell them how their behaviour makes you / your son feel? They may be blissfully unaware.

I would not pay for the presents - upto your OH to purchase.

Migraleve · 28/11/2017 21:05

Calling someone a c&nt is disgusting language.

It is indeed. As disgusting as a child being left out in this way.

And it's cunt btw.

FeistyColl · 28/11/2017 21:15

Oh ffs! If the op's dc gets presents at Christmas so is is not being completely left out. The birthday present issue may be as simple as thoughtlessness not nastiness. Hardly traumatising.

NorthernSpirit · 28/11/2017 21:16

Migraleve - know how to spell the word thank you. It’s not a word I choose to use as I think it’s a disgusting word and as I tell my children only the uneducated swear as they don’t have the vocabulary to express themselves.

That’s your opinion on whether the family should purchase presents. It’s upto them. I agree it’s not fair on the OP’s child but it’s their prerogative.

PSMum2 · 28/11/2017 21:35

I am highly educated :)

So if you married someone with kids and you considered those kids part of your family, you’d accept the rest of the family saying “nope, not for me”?

So sad.

FeistyColl · 28/11/2017 21:48

PSMum2 - yes it would be sad but not "disgusting".

I totally understand why the OP feels upset, but the overreaction from posters is bizzarre. My own DD has a stepmother who has been in her life since she was a baby. DD has met stepmother's DM on a number of occasions over the years including at their wedding (8 years ago) where she was a bridesmaid. She has never so much as received a Christmas card from her 'step grandmother'. Does that make me sad? A bit. Do I think it makes her nasty or a cunt? Absolutely not!

Migraleve · 28/11/2017 21:49

only the uneducated swear as they don’t have the vocabulary to express themselves

That's rather funny. Surely you know it's not true though?

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