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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Aggressive Step Son

58 replies

grumpymummy25 · 23/11/2017 15:02

Long story short... I’ve been with my Partner for over a year and we are now living together. We have my children living with us (5 yo girl, 6 yo boy and 8yo boy). My partners son (8yo) comes and stays every other weekend. When he comes he is so spiteful and just awful. He wants it all his own way and will be my children’s ‘friends’ when they give him things he wants. Otherwise he is aggressive... for instance we have a gaming room with an Xbox, he was in there and my 6 year old autistic son went in to watch. He didn’t like this (even though it’s ok for him to do) so strangled my son. He came through crying, gasping for breath and said what he’s done. Of course he lied and said he hadn’t done anything, he lies all the time about everything. He will nip, scratch... my children for no reason. How do I go about this? He’s not my child and I’m starting to resent him as he’s so vicious and it’s made worse by the fact that he lies about anything he’s done. His dad gets angry but mostly doesn’t punish accordingly. Advice please.

OP posts:
Whereisthetinsel · 23/11/2017 15:06

If his df won't punish him and you aren't on the same page parenting wise then I wouldn't be expecting an easy ride or a long term relationship. He may be having a hard time adjusting etc etc but allowing him to be violent def isn't the answer. Before long you may find yourself having to put the welfare of your own dc first . Drastically.

Hoplittlerabbit · 23/11/2017 15:18

I’m sorry but 8yo and strangling people? That’s psychotic.
He may be struggling to adjust to the new living situation but it sounds like he needs counselling to me. That is so vicious Shock

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2017 16:03

His Dad needs to deal with his behaviour and if he doesn't you have to live apart. It's not okay to have your children living with this threat.

There may be lots of reasons why this boy is unhappy or unsettled but there's no way he can be allowed to lash out like that and threaten or hurt the other children living in the home, whether they're his natural or step siblings.

You have to lay it on the line with your DP. You don't want to be responsible for your children growing up thinking it's okay for other people to hurt and scare them. You wouldn't be happy if someone in his class strangled him so you're naturally livid a child 2 years older than him is doing it in his own home - his place of safety and sanctuary.

lifeandtheuniverse · 23/11/2017 16:50

The kid is jealous and insecure.

You have every right to defend your children

  1. A year and you moved in
  2. 3:1 - he feels out numbered
  3. Your kids get his Dad more than him
  4. you are looking for any reason to not like this child.
  5. All children lie - yours included but them it obviously does not matter if they do, only if your DSS does
  6. Does he have his own space in the house.

Too rushed, your kids live it everyday, he ahs to readjust every two weeks.

You and your DP have obviously not prepared him well enough for the transition.

HelloSquirrels · 23/11/2017 16:55

life looking for reasons to dislike him? Are you serious?

He strangled her child. An 8 year old should know better and well you know.

lunar1 · 23/11/2017 17:07

Where is his dad while he is behaving like this?

Original poster
grumpymummy25 · 23/11/2017 17:27

Hi lifeandtheuniverse,

Whilst I really appreciate your views and understanding on my current predicament I fully refute when you say I am looking for any reason to dislike my step son. I have tried with him, I include him in everything I do with my children (even picking him up from his mothers and taking him out even when his Dad isn’t there). I really have tried with him but he’s not open to anything and is extremely volatile.

I know my children lie too, however I know when they’re lying and they receive appropriate punishment for that. My children can fight and argue between themselves but the altercations with my step son are on a different level.

His father sometimes shouts at him but then ends up chasing after him to try make amends so he feels that he is allowed to act like this maybe.

Please don’t judge me, I really have tried hard with my step son.

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 23/11/2017 17:35

Your biggest problem is you’ve rushed this relationship far too quickly, your a stranger who’s moved in with his df and your three dc. He’s jealous and desperate for attention. You should have introduced your dc at a normal rate mn moving in with them. He might not of strangled him or he might have but you sound very negative about him in your op so I get why life replied the way they did. Strangling of course is wrong at that age and I think his df needs to handle the situation and you need to take a step back with your dc and slow things right down.

Belleoftheball8 · 23/11/2017 17:35

He is also not your step son after a year of seeing his father your his df partner.

Battleax · 23/11/2017 17:38

Did you not check that you all got on before you moved in together?

Or has this behaviour blown up from nowhere since you decided to cohabit?

A timeline would be helpful.

Branleuse · 23/11/2017 18:24

you need to protect your child. This is a new relationship, the violent child isnt yours, so you have no reason to not remove your son from this toxic situation

lifeandtheuniverse · 23/11/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HelloSquirrels · 23/11/2017 20:01

Reacting by strangling a younger child is acceptable to you?

Why are you so sure ops child is lying? You mentioning his autism as a reason for that belief makes me uncomfortable at best.

Battleax · 23/11/2017 20:04

Yes lifeand what are you suggesting? That autistic 6 year olds are less honest than neurotypical 6 year olds? Confused

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/11/2017 20:07

Whose house is it? Did you move into your step son's father's house?

missyB1 · 23/11/2017 20:08

Sorry but I’m another one who thinks a year was far too soon, this child has not had enough time to adjust to the enormous change in his life.
I was a single parent of two boys when I met DH, it was three years before I moved my kids in with him, and even then it wasn’t exactly plain sailing.

Belleoftheball8 · 23/11/2017 20:11

Life isn’t suggesting that because the 6 year has Autism he’s a liar but in the same token it’s doesnt mean he’s necessarily telling the truth either. Fact of the matter this boys DF has imposed his new GF and three DC on him in such a short space of time living in the environment he visits and sees his father daily adding insult to injury it’s the GF taking him out not his DF.

Madreputa · 23/11/2017 20:11

I wouldn't have this. I would bend down right in his face and in a slow and menacing voice would say something like this to him, while staring right into his eyes without blinking: If you ever want to come to my house again you behave yourself and show respect to everybody who lives here. If you feel you can't do that I will personally remove you from the premises and make sure you never return (you nasty little twat)

I wouldn't care what his father thinks/says/does after that.

You can do this. Halo

Belleoftheball8 · 23/11/2017 20:12

Does he even have his own bedroom or is he sharing?

Battleax · 23/11/2017 20:13

No Belle I don't think you can inflict that benign meaning on;

An autistic 6 yr old is of course a reliable person who would not lie.......

HelloSquirrels · 23/11/2017 20:56

If she didnt think the autism was relevent shed have just said a 6 year old.

No child with autism is the same so to assume he is more prone to lying is frankly despicable.

HelloSquirrels · 23/11/2017 20:57

For all the posters that think it was too fast i do understand that but thats not exacrly helpful now is it?

Belleoftheball8 · 23/11/2017 21:01

Because squirrel it will explains the reason why this child is acting out in the first place although he shouldn’t be raising his hands (if he did) The DF needs to handle the situation in regards to hitting but also needs to take some responsibility in why his son is acting out in this way.

HelloSquirrels · 23/11/2017 21:12

It might explain it but it doesnt help does it? What do you suggest op do? Move out?

Of course his dad needs to take responsibility. And his mum. That kind of beviour is unacceptable no matter what situation you find yourself in.

Shiftymake · 23/11/2017 21:14

It is helpful as you both as parents need to step into his shoes and see it from his pov. The fact that he is being this aggressive is ringing alarm bells though and df needs to deal with this, talk with his son properly and in depth about this new situation, that he will always love him and be there for him but he is not allowed to hurt your kids and your kids are not allowed to hurt him. Aggressive behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud as it were, continue as you are doing but talk with your oh and maybe suggest that when his ds is there that the two of them have a hobby thing that only they do together?