Aggressive Step Son

[grumpymummy25]

Long story short... I’ve been with my Partner for over a year and we are now living together. We have my children living with us (5 yo girl, 6 yo boy and 8yo boy). My partners son (8yo) comes and stays every other weekend. When he comes he is so spiteful and just awful. He wants it all his own way and will be my children’s ‘friends’ when they give him things he wants. Otherwise he is aggressive... for instance we have a gaming room with an Xbox, he was in there and my 6 year old autistic son went in to watch. He didn’t like this (even though it’s ok for him to do) so strangled my son. He came through crying, gasping for breath and said what he’s done. Of course he lied and said he hadn’t done anything, he lies all the time about everything. He will nip, scratch... my children for no reason. How do I go about this? He’s not my child and I’m starting to resent him as he’s so vicious and it’s made worse by the fact that he lies about anything he’s done. His dad gets angry but mostly doesn’t punish accordingly. Advice please.

They can but measures in place squirrels time together away from other dc and op. As a parent you should consider your existing dc when entering new relationships it might be something to consider if this relationship doesn’t work out.

I think you and your partner need to sit down and agree on what the consequences will be to his son for doing things like this (the same consequence as there would be for your children) then when it happens he needs to keep to this and be consistent.
Also if it’s not already happening I’d suggest to your partner to make sure he spends time one on one with his son each weekend as I’m wondering if his son is feeling jealous that your children live with his dad.

Thank you all for your commentes. I’d just like to state that my autistic son is the most sweet, caring, trusting little man you will ever come across. He does tell little white lies, like every other child, but as there were marks on his throat I was inclined to believe him. He wouldn’t come through hysterical and gasping for breath. My partners Son has also been found to be aggressive at school. Recently he punched a girl in her private area because he didn’t get his own way. My autistic son has severe speech and language delay and I hear him saying nasty things like “oh my god you’re so stupid, I don’t even know what you’re saying” or “haha, you can’t even say the word properly” this is all out of sight of an adult. I will tell his father and because he hasn’t heard what he’s said he says he can’t say anything to him because he didn’t actually hear it and on the odd occasion he has asked him he will fly off the handle saying everyone is lying and he will go up stairs and punch doors...
I made a point that his dad should take him out on his own as I understand he will have feelings of resentment due to the living circumstances, I get that. I had kept my kids out of the house all day and returned late evening only get him saying “I never get and nice time with you dad”... he had had a full day with his dad doing nice activities and I can’t keep my children away from my home all weekend (yes it’s my home, he moved in due to the shithole he was in financially which hurried the process of the moving in as I would have ideally like to have left it for a while).
If he has friends round he will be happy until he loses at a game and then he become aggressive with them too so I end up sending them home before things get out of hand. My lovely next door neighbors have two girls and my children play with them usually but they do not like it if he is here and will keep there two girls in for safeguarding.

I think your partner and his ex need to have a conversation and possibly with his school as well. You need to find out when the violence started and what pattern there is. I wouldn’t say the child’s actions are normal and he has issues that need addressing now. You need to look at his background and as a team come up with some solutions on how to help him. Especially with managing his anger.

I honestly think you let your boyfriend move in far too soon - but I guess you know this. I'd be thinking of ways to get him to find his own flat nearby, and hit the re-set button on the relationship. He must have some income, surely?

What a horrible situation, OP. I believe your son and your stepson sounds out of control. If your DP won't address the issue then refuse to have him in the house unless your DP is also there and in the same room as he is.

You need to protect your children. It sounds to me that there is more going on with stepson than just jealousy. Maybe he needs to be assessed if he is also violent in school.

He mainly lives with his Mother, who is a vile disgusting person. She mostly can not be bothered taking him to school, so his attendance is poor (his level of intelligence thankfully hasn’t fallen behind his peers as he is quite bright) I know she abuses alcohol and I suspect drugs too but can not prove the drugs claim however prior to my partner and her separating, I know they both took drugs but he assured me he had turned a corner and I know he has not done anything while being with me. His mother lives with her mother and father (his grandparents) and has boyfriends coming and going. She takes no responsibility for his behaviour and if I’m honest, neither does his Father. I do feel for the poor child, I really do, it breaks my heart, but on the other hand, I have three children of my own who are being bullied and physically assaulted in their own home. I have said about counselling for him as I honestly believe he would greatly benefit from this and it would get to the bottom of why he feels like he does as I know the acting has a fee routed reason, but his mother refuses and his father just brushes it off like I’m acting over the top and dramatising things. His behaviour is boardline psychotic sometimes and this worries me.

Your parrner needs to move out pronto. This will not end well.

People laugh at me because I’m so obsessed with our home being my kids safe space, but it because of bullying and (with DS1s Dad) DV. I am utterly determined that whatever the outside world throws at them, home is a safe place for them where they won’t be bullied. (Mine are all autistic).

If your DP won’t step up, he needs to leave. It’s that simple. He is not parenting his own child, who desperately needs some boundaries and guidance combined with unconditional love it sounds like, and he is allowing your children to be afraid in their own home. Blended families aren’t easy, I have one, but if you and he aren’t on the same page, it can’t work.

I think you need DP to move out and sort his own stuff out, parenting and financial. If the situation is that bad with the mum, why is DP not going for full residence? If he is in financial difficulties, what is he doing to sort that out? What would DP and his son's lives look like if you were not there?
None of the above is your problem to sort out. Your problem is the impact on your kids right now. How will they describe the situation in 10 or 20 years time? This man is not bringing much positive into their lives.

Before I came on he scene, I know he wasn’t having his Son as much as what he should have been. He house he was was dissordally to put it mildly. He had no bed, although he has a bedroom, with no carpet and broken toys. They had no fridge, so no food in. There was no structure there, it looked like squatters had got in and he told me it was the state his sons mother had left him in. Since moving in with me, I have bought him a bed, organised his toys and clothes so he had his own bit of space in the bedroom as he shares with my eldest. We have days out...
I really have done a lot to try and make things better for them both but get it thrown back in my face.
I stupidly even paid his sons after school fees totalling £400 only to find out she actually want at work, she just couldn’t be bothered to pick him up and wanted more time for herself. He was complaining about headaches so because mum and dad went bothered, I took him for an eye test which resulted in him needing glasses, which I also took him for a return appointment to pick up. My partner likes to take credit for things that I do as it’s making him look like he’s doing a good job but he’s not stepping up to the mark and I feel I’m just there for childcare purposes and financial reasons.
He even lent his ex (as mother) £150 without consulting me, as he owed me money from paying debts off for him I felt cheated.

Having RTFT I feel so sorry for this little boy. It sounds like both his parents have failed him and he's acting out as he doesn't have the emotional maturity yet to show he's hurt any other way.

As for your DP he does not sound like a good dad or partner

Your last update makes me wonder why you are with this man. He's using you as a cash cow and babysitter.

There is nothing you can do if the parents won't help their own son. The boy is the way he is because of them and acting out because of the way his parents are. Your children really don't deserve this so you need to put them first.

I agree with others. Your partner needs to leave. You are allowing his child to bully your kids in their own home ! You must protect them . They are your priority esp your vulnerable child with sn .
And to be frank your partner sounds like bad news all round ! Sorry !

Did you not at any point think 'this is not a good idea' when you were running around doing the parenting and social services bit in your last post?...Where was your head at?

Please say this stuff in the main tread as his behaviour makes a lot more sense now. Is SS involved? They should be at this stage with him missing school like this and with a parent that is abusing substances. Could your oh take some parenting classes and in time more PR? Looks like he needs some professionals to help him help his child and everyone else including himself as a father. The biggest problem for this child now is being put into care, as he is this aggressive it may be hard to find the right people to give him the love and care he needs and this is the problem he is getting now. He needs love, stability, care and boundaries, support and guidance which he isn't getting from what you said, seeing you with your kids maybe a blow to him, the unfairness to why he doesn't have this in his life and hasn't learned the tools on how to handle himself so he is aggressive. As an example my son, from he was little I taught him to take deep slow breaths to calm down rather then lash out. We talk about things and the whys and what's of situations he encounters when they happen and advice on how to deal with these matters, it is a life long lesson and the earlier one starts the better and easier it is for the child. Point is, your OH needs to wake up now, he son needs a real parent.

His son* needs a real parent!

I'd make DP move out and end the relationship for the sake of myself and my children. Strangling is so dangerous and can quite easily be fatal.

I'd also report the situation to SS if they aren't already involved.

Also your 'D'P sounds absolutely useless. You'd be better off without this neglectful, decietful user.

I have just read your other threads. Why do you want to be with this man ? Have some self respect. Get rid of him and get back to having a peaceful, safe home for your children.
It’s not your job to save him and his child , it really isn’t.

I have three children of my own who are being bullied and physically assaulted in their own home

This is all that matters. Why, why, why are you letting this continue? You're their mother. If you do nothing else it's your job to keep them safe.

Your other posts make it clear this set up works for this man but not for you, his son or your children and it really has to end. Your partner is behaving appallingly but I'm sorry to say you're completely enabling it. Do you know that is?

I'm sure berating you isn't going to help but you clearly know all the issues at play, just how wrong it all is, and you're the one who has to change it. Change it! Where this man lives and how he pays his bills, furnishes his house, feeds and entertains his child aren't your problem. YOUR OWN CHILDREN ARE. You have a responsibility to keep them safe and their home a place of happiness and security.

So your kids have been lumbered with a bone idle waster, have been stuck with him (and you) allowing his son to hurt and upset them, you’ve done all the running about his parents should have done to try and help him (this is basic stuff, not even emergency stuff) and you still won’t boot him out? Ffs, your kids need to be your priority. At first I thought you’d been together for a bit and then things went downhill, but no, you knew what he was and still let him into your home. Good grief.

Wtf after reading your updated and people meantioning other threads that’s quite a drip feed.. you need to run and fast.

After that update op - what do you seen in this absolute loser?

The way you described this boy's living conditions when he is at his mum's, I would have social services involved.