I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

SandyY2K has written everything I came here to say. Your DSD behaves the way she does because there’s no consequences for her actions. It’s shocking and I feel so sorry for you xxx

Nope she's still not sorry, she has no gadgets and no privileges she has been grounded until Christmas holidays.

Dh has asked me 'what do you want me to do' which has infuriated me as I feel he's now putting the onus on me except he really is bloody clueless on how to deal with this, as am I. I have no experience with teens prior to dsd nor how to deal with the madness that keeps being labelled 'teen behaviour' no it's not a teen thing! Dsd dm told Dh 'all the kids act entitled' Dh told her he isn't bothered about all the other kids just theirs.

Both seem to be shrugging off how serious this is or both don't have a clue. Either way I feel this has been minimised and I have no recourse. I'm certain I have made many mistakes where dsd is concerned I am absolutely lost as to where I go from here.

Thank you all so much for the support, it's helped me so much. I thought was might be branded the wicked stepmum! Ultimately I want us all to find a way to be happy! Hunts for a unicorn

Kids can be utter shits. I'd suggest you and DH agree privately that you say, together, in the same room, something like:

We both love and care for you. You acted disrespectfully and me, DM and @LazySusan all agree unanimously that what you did was disrespectful, unkind and hurtful.

You can pretend until the cows come home, that you don't care; that your behaviour is justified, or that LazySusan somehow deserved to be treated like that. That's your choice.

But none of us thinks that is so.

We are aware that he'll will freeze over before you apologise and even if you did, I doubt it would be heartfelt. But please understand that you will now be expected to hand in your key. Your friends are not welcome here and your phone/WiFi privileges will be suspended until xxx.

Me, DM & Lazy have an open door policy and when you feel ready, we will happily talk things through with you. If you choose to ignore the hurt you've caused that's your choice, but this is also Lazy's Home and you will ensure that her space is respected in the same way that you would like yours to be'

New rules.signing in/out, pastoral care at school.shes in masses of denial and is trying to brazenit out in the hope you'll all give up and leave her alone.

OP. Walk into the room.say hello. If she doesn't answer, question her. Do not allow her to sideline you. She's a scared, silly girl. Be calm, be fair, be even and don't engage with the emotional tactics she's trying on x

Oh God OP. This is the sort of scenario that keeps me up at night. I have a 6yo but there are times when I hear her directing her anger and frustration at a situation right at me and it sounds just like your DSD (minus the teen element).

I don’t have any useful advice as mine aren’t 14 yet, but I will share two thoughts I had reading your posts:

1. I think you’ve shown incredibly restraint and measuredness in how you’re dealing with this. Those boundaries between parent/step parent, good relationships between the 4 adults, it’s admirable and must have taken a lot of work

1. I cannot believe your DH and the DM allowed her to go out to that party the day after all this happened. My mouth literally fell open when I read that. Imo that was the point she felt she got away with it. Solely from my own youth, you have to come down hard and fast when there’s danger involved (I Class the smoking, and undoubted drinking, sexualised behaviour and the added layer of social media in this category). This is a mildly grown up version of a smaller child thinking they can cross a dual carriageway for the first time by themselves when they haven’t even got the first clue about looking left and right at a zebra crossing. She doesn’t know what she’s dealing with; she’s emulating and winging it.

Good luck op.

I don’t know if you can use any of this in your situation but this was ours.

My DSC are a bit younger than yours and the shut hit the fan this summer. I didn’t post on here because a pasting wouldn’t have helped. So you are braver than me.

We have them slightly over 50/50 and i have 2 DDs. In all aspects i treated them equally to my DDs. I have improved the quality of their lives immeasurably. I have a great step-Mum so used her as my role model. So when they complained about their lives with us and the fact that they can’t spend all day every day sitting in front of screens I was really really hurt.

I talked to both of the DSCs and said how hurt and betrayed I felt. I left the house for 4 days so it was absolutely clear to all, especially my husband, how angry and hurt I was. He just wanted to get to the bottom of who said what. I have also scaled down my generosity to them to protect myself. And my kids will not suffer for their benefit.

I explained exactly what we had given up for them. My job (and identity), our home, our friends, pretty much our whole lives. And then I got the 4 DCs to make a list of all the fun stuff they had done since the beginning of the holidays. And pointed out that all that had been organized (and paid for) by me. And the flip side of the fun stuff was being required to help because if I do everything as well there won’t be the time or the willingness to do the fun stuff and we will do it when they are with their mum instead.

Things are good again here. But it made us realize that even though we have a fabulous relationship our kids can destroy it. And that’s even though my DH always takes my side.

And if you are asked a jury of her peers they would be far far harsher in punishment than anything she’s received so far.

Nicely put ginger thank you, I think what you've said is a good place to start with dsd. I'm going to show Dh this thread later on. I feel part of the issue is dsd being between 2 house but that isn't something we can solve very easily. I'm taking her for a hot chocolate after school this week (not to be seen as a treat!) more neutral territory where she and I can talk. Might not do any good probably won't but no harm in trying!

I have to say "I am so disappointed in your behaviour" chats have more impact than anything else in this house!

@LazySusan11 - make no mistake that will be seen as a treat. And it's conciliatory. You will also be in a public space & you will not be able to speak freely.

I disagree! Taking her out for a hot chocolate sounds like a good idea to me. You need to get her on your own so that you can explain, how upset you were at her friends trashing your stuff, ask her how she would feel if a load of 5 and 6 year olds went in her room and used her stuff and messed about with her clothes.

Tell her that you dont like being ignored in your own home and at the very least she needs to say, Hi.
Tell her that all the punishments are not down to you but have been agreed by both parents as well.
Tell he that you were very hurt at her throwing insults in your face and can she imagine you doing that to her. But you know it was her frustration and anger at the punishment that made her do it. And you know she didn't mean it and you of course forgive her.
Because you love her still and want your relationship back again.

This is what you should do and say. Someone needs to be the bigger person here and break this deadlock and bad feeling.
Try to be her ally!

Tell her you understand what a confusing age 14 is, being between a child and a young adult. You know that there will be peer pressures and a need to fit in which could lead to her making some bad decisions.
Tell her you understand, you've been there yourself once.
Tell her you are there for her and that You have her back.
Tell her that during the grounding You both could do things together, maybe
Cinema together or Nando's or some clothes shopping for Xmas.
You should do it!

@LazySusan11 - just to clarify I am totally in your camp. However I just feel (on the outside looking in) that the conciliatory approach (which has been used & reused) is just NOT working with this kid & so it needs a change of tactic.

I don't think taking her for a hot chocolate is a change of tactic.

It is for me Magda as I have never done this before, I agree it might been seen as a treat by her but then as we have never done this together before she might not? Nothing I do is going to make a difference that's down to her parents. To be honest I'm in 2 camps, 1 being I want nothing to do with this drama and will ride it out and keep away or the other is being an ear for her, she's so angry and there must be a reason for it and I'd like to get to the root.

I think you need to face the reality here. At 14 she KNOWS what she had done is wrong and hurtful to you. She just doesn't care. Your DH is a key here..if he is letting this behaviour continue and joins in(ignoring you together with her is joining in) she will not regulate her behaviour. You stand no chance. I would be very direct with the DH but I would also reevaluate my marriage..all the signs are pointing towards things getting much worse for you..

When we told my SD how much I have done for her-listed all the things- she just said that she didn't ask for it so its of no value. She was happy taking of course but there was 0 gratefullnes or appreciation..there was a lot of dislike there...

I agree @WhiteCat1704. And @LazySusan11 I really don't want to sound like I'm down on you because I'm really not.
I just don't think it's your place (at this present moment in time) to you to take her for a hot chocolate & try to get through to her. That's not to say you don't have a say or position in her life as you certainly do, but in this instance, taking in mind the severity of her behaviour, her dm & df really need to be sitting her down and addressing her behaviour & the cause of it. I would almost guarantee, even if you have a successful chat with her, she will only tell you what you want to hear as she is learning to master the art of manipulation in that she sees how her parents are not following through on discipline.
You're not her parent (& I don't mean that in a nasty way) & it's not up to you to do this. I feel she will only see this as her parents not engaging once again, ie her parents not really caring about her behaviour.
Unless your dp takes charge you are going to end up being the one who sorts this girl out indefinitely; basically doing your dps job for him.

Doing the job for him AND being resented for it.

I wouldn't take her anywhere unless there is at least a sincere sounding apology..if your DH had to force her to do it so be it..but you deserve that as a minimum.

AnneLovesGilbert, you are totally off the mark in trying to analyse my situation! You are wrong about my kids, wrong about my husband, oh and wrong about assuming I've never been a SM. I was for two years, of two girls from two different mums and yep, no issues at all during that time. I left because I was 26, my partner in his 40 and he was adamant he didn't want more children. Heartbreaking, but it was the right decision for me as I can't imagine my life without my kids.

As it is, it would seem OP is agreeing with me about trying to have a one to one talk with her SD. It might the right way forward or it might not be, but clearly the suggestion wasn't totally unrealistic.

I actually think that LazySusan is dealing with the situation very well. I hope that her SD will open up to her. I totally agree that her SD should apologise to her, although only if it is going to be meant.

I do however think that after that, it will be time to move on, only using this dreadful experience to remind her about thinking of the consequences before getting involved in something stupid.

swingofthings

That's a completely different scenario. You weren't a step-mum, you had a boyfriend who had children, that's all. In my 20's I had a boyfriend who had a child...I was in no way a step-mum to that child. You had no issues because you probably weren't that involved in their lives, you were only with their dad for 2 years.

Fine, I'm not here to justify myself, this thread is not about me but LazySusan. I gave my opinion and suggestion which seems to be in line with her views.

There was no need for anyone to bring up my situation into it. Just to say though that I also respect my kids' SM and think that although there have been issues in the past, overall she's been quite a good SM and I will be delighted to sit next to her at my kids' wedding, so I really really don't hate all SMs!!

swingofthings

I didn't think you did hate step-mums, I was only going by one comment. It's great that you get on so well with your DCs step-mum, It's not easy to get there, my DCs step-mom doesn't even want to know my DC, it's very sad.

I wouldn't say I get on with her, we have no contact, but a silent mutual respect. It took time though as we both build pictures of each other that was quite wrong. Ironically, we appeared to be totally different when actually, we probably have quite a bit in common (which explains why ex fell in love with both!).

From my perspective I feel extremely lucky that she never tried to act as a mum to my kids as I would have very much struggle having to battle for that role when my ex had never been involved much with parenting, so having to do everyone alone to having to accept her suddenly wanting to be involved would have likely become conflicting.

From her side, unlike what some posters would believe here, she really likes my kids because she thinks they are good kids, well behaved and respectful. That's because they are more so then her own children. She is a lot closer to my DD, unfortunately struggles to understand my DS but it is not her fault.

There was no need for anyone to bring up my situation into it.

Best way to avoid that is to stop bringing your situation up yourself when criticising other people who may be, but are probably not, anything like your stepmother.

I'm still none the wiser about why, when things are so rosy between you these days, your resentment of the perceived wrongs of your childhood come spilling out all over the place when someone is in a tricky situation with their stepchildren. It must be difficult to be so fixated on past hurts that haven't faded even though you're now friends.

Yet again swing, more posts with masses of detail about your life. This isn't about you.

And Swing just had to get a little dig in there about her ExH’s new children too. Ouch.
It must be difficult being so bitter

Haha they are not his children! He does have a child with his new partner who is lovely and who has stayed at my house a few times but it's ok make it what you want to read

I agree though this is not about me so last time I defend myself pointlessly.