I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

I am so sorry you are being treated like this in your own home. I hope you are able to find a resolution.

I can't speak or I'll cry, I feel so fucking angry. I'm not even sure if I'm being irrational or overly sensitive or just a wicked step mother. I'm over this, I have had to deal with this shit in progressive measures for 10 years and I'm pretty much done.

Oh Op, that’s awful. I really feel for you. Can you call your DH aside & talk to him? Maybe he doesn’t realise??

You’re a lovely woman having a shit time of it with a disappointing excuse for a husband (right now) and a spoiled brat of a stepdaughter.

You’re being beaten down by it and the bad behaviour was specifically targeted at you and it now seems like your husband is shrugging it off.

That. Is. Not. Okay.

Can you put your feelings into an email if you’re too upset to talk to him? You have a right to be heard and know what your future is going to look like.

From an unbiased outsider he’s being an absolute prick and you deserve someone who chooses to be part of a team with you, not shutting you out and being chummy with his horrible child in excluding you in your own home. Utter fuckwit.

Sending you a big squeeze. Sorry things are shit.

It's too late now, but tbh I wouldn't have retreated to my room.

You're basically re-enforcing behaviour that they can carry on regardless.

You need to speak to your DH - not tonight when you are upset though.

She may have had her gadgets and SM revoked (is that still the case?) but filling her time with movies of her choice is undermining the punishment for what was a catalogue of very bad behaviour.

I'm not suggesting she should be being berated every waking minute, but pretending it didn't happen doesn't help. She could be reading a book for example rather than dominating the television with her choice of film and an apology to you should absolutely have been made.

I've told him how I feel, he looked so surprised I've explained that not addressing the issue, allowing her to stay up past bedtime and his ignoring me undermines me. He's gone into overcompensating because dsd has blamed Dh saying he's a crap parent. I've told him I'm not sure our marriage will survive that I am now acutely aware of where he stands and whilst there aren't 2 camps and his daughter is going to come first he should not be making exceptions for her at this stage. I am so mad.

I’m not surprised you’re reevaluating your marriage, I would be & I think I’d find it lacking. Seriously lacking.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’ve put so much into your relationships with DH & DSD that you can’t leave. Ages 4-14 are a lot easier than 14-24 & he’s not got what it takes to turn this little madam around...can you really face 10 more do fficukt years than the 10 you’ve just had?!

I’m glad you told him how you feel. If you are to be a family then you are all equals. All of you. You shouldn’t be treated like this, by anyone, let alone people who share your home and your life.

You seem like a lovely person and you certainly have more patience than I do.

Please be kind to yourself.

Oh that all sounds so crappy OP. For what it's worth, I couldn't stand my step parents when I was a teenager and made their life hell. Fast forward a few years and I adore them, they are simply my 'other ' parents.

Hope it gets better soon for you.

Thank you for the support seems this is the only place I'll get any! 'D'h has barely said a word, his communication skills are shit. A year ago after another issue with dsd I said to Dh that she really could do with speaking to someone outside of the family that her behaviour was only going to get worse. He pooh pooed me, didn't know what was talking about and oh look here we are exactly where I said we'd be. I feel like screaming I fucking well told you so!

I haven't read all thd comment so sorry op.
I just wanted to say my parents are still happily married (most of the time )
Anyways and had I done something like this they would have confiscated my house keys until I warned them.
It's nothing to do with yoy being a 'wicked step-mother'
It's that being part of a family requires trust from all side. And when it is broken it must be earned again.
I hope dsd apologises in time for her awful behaviour. (She may just be being stubborn as I think even she will know she was wrong. )
Good luck op

You’re tired and it’s a pile of crap so get some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow.

Do you know what you need to feel better? What did he say when you said you’re having concerns about the whole marriage? He should be doing everything he can to communicate with you properly so you know whether he’s going to bury his head in the sand so life gets even worse, in which case I’d seriously consider leaving him, or stepping up and parenting his daughter so she doesn’t become a horrible person and committing to you and your marriage.

Wow!

I don't really know what to say, but DH needs to sit her down in front of both of you and say NO! If she had the courtesy to ask, if she hadn't left the place so messy, if the guests hadn't smoked the cigarettes, if they hadn't violated your personal and private space (bedroom) then have the cheek to go through your things and use them, maybe you'd allow it to happen again.

You want her keys off her, I don't think that is unreasonable, until she can be trusted to respect both of you and your home.

I'm so sorry OP

You do have support here OP

Given you've already spoken to him I think you need to tell him again tomorrow that you are re-evaluating the current situation.

What's sad here is not just your situation but the fact that there's a young girl whose making poor life choices and her DF seems incapable of interceding appropriately.

TBH the first red flag was letting her go to the party the night after her "house raid".

His responses seem to be overly passive until backed into a corner - but he can't see that part of the problem (as I see if anyway) is that if he stopped letting the "minor" issues go then he wouldn't need to deal with the "major" ones.

DSD's behaviour is "teenage" yes - but it isn't "typical". I can say without a shadow of a doubt that DSD and DS would never have behaved in this way. No, they are not angels all the time but they know damn well that there are boundaries and that consequences don't get diluted because DH, DSD's mum and I prioritise having a nice night in laughing over a movie rather than dealing with a bored, unapologetic teen.

Hi Susan - hope you're ok today.
Tbh I had a sense of dread when reading your question last night (but didn't have time to respond) as I thought to myself - ho, hum, sounds like dp/df has just backtracked on the discipline & the 'situation' has been let blow over.
I couldn't help feeling, reading your updates, that if I was your dp the first thing I would have done with my dd once you got back from working is sit her down with you & ask her to apologise for her treatment of you.
I don't want to upset you but I think you have been horribly disrespected in your own home & this kid has been, & still is, getting away with murder. Also if my dd treated her sm like that I'd personally stand over her until she apologised.
I really think that for whatever reason your dp (& his ex) are taking the piss (pardon my french) & are in danger of creating a monster.
As someone else said on here, 14-24 is worse that the early years as you're dealing with personalities which have been established & it sounds like dp & exw are establishing a right little madam.
Mind yourself & keep us posted.

What a pity it evolved like this when it seemed to have been sorted last week. Could this be the issue? They both thought the matter was over whereas you didn't? Could it be that DSD sensed that you would want to raise it again, so took the head in the sand approach by ignoring you to avoid bringing the issue back? That would be typical teenage behaviour.

As for your DH, maybe he too felt that the matter was over as he's done the punishing, confiscating phone or whatever it is he did. Could he too have felt uncomfortable because he had been worried that his DD would act different with him after the event, so was relieved that she wasn't, and as they were having a fun time together, he too put his head in the sand and didn't want to break this time?

It's a pity that you couldn't have let them get on with it, but then arrange to spend time with her on a one to one basis where you could have broached the matter but in a non confrontational way, but in a 'after the event' assessment of the situation, when you could have talked more about how the whole event had made you feel and hopefully made her appreciate that she needed to apologise.

Maybe it's not too late for that one to one?

It's not a "pity" swing that OP was ignored and excluded in her own home. It's a disgrace. And I hope you think more of your husband than to let him and his place in your home be so abused by one of your children. How can it possibly be "in the past" when the SD hasn't even said she's sorry?

You're always going on about the parent being the person who has to decide and do everything with the children, while the step parent stands back. It's bizarre you think the OP should have a "one to one" with this girl, who hasn't even apologised, while her father stands back and pretends it never happened and all is well if he forgets about it. What about his responsibility to be a parent? And he might have taken her phone away but he also let her go to another party, so he's not dishing out any consequences at all is he, he's a spineless twat who's thrown the OP under the bus because he's too weak to tackle his daughter's disgusting behaviour and is going for an easy life, whatever that means for this girl's future bad decisions.

Swing we've all heard in a huge amount of detail how you didn't respect your stepmum trying to discipline you and op should leave the dad to it so how does a one to one with op and her dsd work in your eyes?

With the greatest respect swing I have found all of your posts to be quite condescending you have assumed many details which I have not given, formed a picture and are now telling me how I should behave. I don't mean to be rude however I don't find your insights helpful at all.

Dh and I have spoken, this morning dsd have us the usual entitled attitude he's going over to the dm to discuss with her. Once she's got her gadgets back and she's back on social media Dh says he will police her however dsd has several accounts and Dh isn't savvy enough to find them all.

I just know nothing here is going to change, she feels she is not wrong and what can you do with someone like that.

My God I am starting to understand why so many SMs are miserable on this forum if all the issues faced are all about being abused, with everyone else being in the wrong whilst dedicated, wonderful SM is always right, knows better and therefore should expect others to act and behave as they see fit.

OP said that her husband was surprised when she explained how she felt, so clearly he has a different perspective to what happened. OP herself is asking whether she had maybe overacted. Most issues come from people having a different perception of a particular situation, but hey, if indeed things are just so bad, then what's the point of posting about what to do when the answer is inevitably going to be to leave.

Alittlepotofrosie, I think you left the part when SM acknowledged that she'd treated me poorly, apologised and we are now very close, but again, funny what is being picked up and remembered!

OP explained that she was actually close to her DSD and that her involvement was well received which is absolutely fine. I don't think having a one to one with a child who will come and cry in your arms and ask for a hug is an odd thing to suggest.

You are totally right not to minimize this, and your DSD is undermining you by quickly getting back into her parents good books whilst not having to actually face up or apologixpze to you.

She will feel that she does not have to treat you with much respect as why should she, she’s got her phonr, freedom and indulgement back whilst ignoring you.

Your DH has too quickly let her back and also ignored your obvious disappointment. Sorry OP all too familiar a scenario. It’s rubbish of both your DH and your DSD.

My point swing was that all you've talked about is yourself. Ops situation is bound to be different but you're just all about you. Talk about projection.

The more you contribute swing the sorrier I feel for your husband. If you apply the standards you felt were acceptable to your own behaviour to your children and their dealings with him I admire him for sticking around.

Interesting that given things between you and your stepmum are now so much better that you spend so much time reliving the horrors of your childhood and the many wrongs she did you. You may have had a stepmum but you haven’t ever been one so your know it all tone doesn’t tend to fly with the people actually living it. I’ve often respected your views on stepparenting, your perspective has often been helpful, but on this you’re all over the shop and your insistence on defending this clearly troubled child and assuming the OP is in the wrong is bizarre. It’s not her issues that need fixing. She’s being treated horribly. The fact that so many people agree with her is testament to the very reasonable and fair expectations other posters share, not that most stepmothers are professional victims.

OP, keep talking to your husband and I hope you find a way through this. Fingers crossed the chat with Mum goes well and between you all you can make some progress. Letting your husband stick his head in the sand isn’t going to help anyone. Keep posting if it helps. Some people will always be hell bent on making everything your fault but you know it’s a rubbish so keep your head up and if things don’t get better you have options. Your happiness matters too.

I hate to say this, but for your DSD to have done this... and to not be apologetic after the fact shows she has and had no fear of any consequences.

Her behaviour is 100% out of order and I don't see how she's gotten away without an apology at the very least.

I'm not saying she should live in fear of consequences, but both her parents have not been tough enough..otherwise she wouldn't have done this in her wildest dreams.

If my DD did this she wouldn't have gone out the next day... and her gadgets would be confiscated until she came to her senses and showed respect for your home and for your personal belongings.

Sometimes parents are in denial about how badly their DC behave and refuse to get professional support .... until something really bad happens.