I'm annoyed, really annoyed!

[LazySusan11]

Dh and I were at an event last night with friends, dsd was staying with a friend..we have her this weekend sat-tues. last night she called at 8pm and asked what time we’d be home, dh told her we would be late and she didn’t want to know anymore. Given she was staying with a friend and it wasn’t officially our night we thought no more of it.

Got home in the early hours (event was an hrs drive away) and we couldn’t work out if we’d been burgled or had a ghost! It was very apparent that dsd had come to ours that evening let herself in with her friends and had quite the party.

Bowls and glasses left out, her bag, overnight bag, socks etc in a trail from downstairs to upstairs, mess everywhere. A bloodied sanitary towel thrown in the bathroom bin not wrapped or put in anything and clothes in our bedroom had been moved, my makeup had been used and left elsewhere.

This morning I went to collect the cigarettes my friend had left at ours before we left for the event and had forgotten to pick them up to drop them off on my way out, only to find they had gone. A full unopened pack.

Dh spoke to dsd on the phone who expressed she felt it was her right to spend a few hours at ours without us being there and apparently her and 3 others were in our bedroom lying on our bed, 2 of the girls went through my drawers whilst other 2 tried on my lipsticks etc.

I am really bloody unhappy about this, of course she is entitled to come to us whenever she likes when we are there, however she specifically checked that we wouldn’t be at home.

I feel as though my personal space has been hugely violated. How dare they go through my belongings and use my make up. She knows who stole the cigarettes too.

Dh is shocked that frankly she could behave this way and also annoyed as I am.

Dsd is 14, not an adult!

Even worse then. Taking a dig at your Ex’s DW’s kids! I doubt she finds your children easier 🙄
Honestly Swing I have no idea why you trawl the stepparenting board with hippocritical posts... you clearly have an axe to grind.

I agree with whitecat

I think the most important issue for you at the moment is whether she cares at all about being so disrespectful to you in your house. She’ll have her own equilibrium with her own parents. However the actions were particularly disrespectful to you. She didn’t raid her mums stuff. She’s laughing with her Dad and ignoring you. Your DH is minimizing it too. That is not something that is going to get better if you don’t make it totally clear a line has been crossed.

How do you feel? That is often a good marker. I often struggled with the dynamics, but felt crap and invisible around DSD and DP. Do you?

Hi, OP.
I too disagree that you should take her out for hot chocolate. It isn't your responsibility to fix this, but her dad's. And he is being an ineffectual arse. Why the hell is he giving her back the phone? What has he done to make her pay for the damage to your things? I hope to god she hasn't been given back the house keys.

Just a thought but have you checked that nothing else is missing, little stuff like jewellery? An have the other parents been shown the footage of their kids rampaging through your house?

Honestly, in your shoes, I'd insist on her making good the damage, apologising and she'd be grounded until I felt she was sorry. I'd sell her bloody phone. She has no consequences - her dad has yelled a bit but ultimately her life has carried on just peachy!

Just quickly to clarify, dsd does not have her phone. She has lost her phone, iPad and computer. No access to the internet at all, all clubs and privileges have been stopped all this is until Christmas this also includes seeing friends and sleepovers.

We will not be allowing any of the friends that were here back to our house again. I thought taking her out for an hour would give us chance to talk not just about what's gone on but why she's so angry. Prior to all this crap dsd has always been able to talk to me and has often called me to discuss issues, I was hoping that 1-1 we might be able to get to the root of all this because I feel unless we do this pattern will keep repeating itself.

I'm pissed off with the lack of parental guidance or boundaries she's had and I know I am not her parent I know it's not my place but surely if she's able to talk to me I should be able to listen from a person to person standpoint not stepchild/parent.

As far as I'm concerned she has a Mum, I am not wanting to act as a parent or be likened to one, we don't use the label step Mum at all. I want her to be happy and thrive and clearly something here is very wrong. I know what she did was awful, I felt it acutely I still feel quite sad about it but ultimately I have to move past it. I've made my feelings very clear to dsd she knows where I stand and where currently she and I stand.

It feels as though I can never get it right, damned if I do damned if I don't!

I'm going against the grain here, but frankly OP I think you've very little to lose and potentially much to gain by having some time 1 to 1 on neutral territory.

My guess (and it's no more than that) is that she is fronting the whole situation out - something that's far harder to do when confronted with an adult calmly explaining how much hurt her actions have caused.

Upshot is the punishments haven't recalibrated her behaviour wrt to the lack of respect she has for you (and also your DH based on the yelling/screaming you posted about).

So you can keep flogging a dead horse or try something different.

Every situation/relationship is different so what worked for someone else isn't always going to work for you.

You were right with your instincts about giving her a hug to stop the screaming tantrum - if I were you I'd trust your instincts on this as well.

Oh Susan I really feel for you she has indeed crossed so many boundaries! It must be so difficult to be a step mum when both parents seem to be enabling her to an extent. As a mum to a 19 DD I can only say after the most horrendous year where so many situations have arose that the only thing that she seemed to listen to was when I said that I was disappointed in the choices she had made. Good luck OP just know that you deserve respect and as long as she understands how she let you down and was disrespectful to you I hope you can move forward take care 💐

Hi @LazySusan11 - what I was trying to say but probably quite badly, is that while I think you're right in principle, I just don't think this is the right time for you to step in so to speak. Not, because you are any less important in the scenario, but because as you've said yourself, there's been a huge lack of parental discipline & if you're there to sort/support, your dp & his ex will never step up.
I'm not for one minute trying to damn you.
I think you have been fantastic in all this, but it sounds to me that as the only clear sighted adult here you're overcompensating for her parents lack of backbone.

You are not doing anything wrong. You are being a great step mum. But your h seems to be sweeping this under the rug.

If it helps, I don't think she hates you. She will come out of this one day and turn into a decent adult. But for that to happen, her parents have to get her away from negative influences.

I agree with you Magda but at the same time I'm seeing someone who's obviously feeling something quite deeply that neither parent has picked up on and it's that I want to try and hone in on if that makes sense.

No excuse, but I remember being that age and backing myself into a corner, not knowing how to get out so doubling down on my BS. I wish I’d had someone to take me for hot chocolate and give me a way out.

On the one hand I’m “holy shit, what is wrong with this girl and her parents????”, on the other hand we live in a messy world and kids could all do with a little extra kindness (especially when we feel they don’t deserve it).

You sound like a wonderful person. They are all lucky to have you in their lives.

Take her out for the hot chocolate.
I really disagree with the other posters on here who think that you shouldn't.
You can't make her parents behave differently with her.
The only thing that you can change is the relationship between you and her.
She a little girl, not a woman. She's behaved like a little girl and doesn't know how to save face.
This could be the best thing that you ever do, for you and her.

I think taking her out with you one to one is a good idea. Yes , her parents need to step up BUT she is disrespecting you in your own home. Of course it’s your business to talk to her ! MN likes to pretend Step mums are not real people. If you were just her fathers flatmate too right you would be expected to have an opinion. The behaviour seems to be directed at you so time to draw a line. I told my SD she didn’t have to like me but I expected good manners and respect in my own home.
We rub along ok since I drew that line. I don’t really expect more from someone I was a stranger to until she was 8.
Let us know how it goes x

I agree, take her out and have a chat. It’s kinda now or never, any older and she will know she doesn’t have to do what adults decide.

Be honest, frank and explain to her exactly how you feel and ask her to do the same.

How did it go OP? Did you take your SD out? X

I think it’s fine for her to being friends you know home with her. It’s her home. Doesn’t matter that you’re not there. However they shouldn’t have been in your bedroom as that’s an awful invasion and stealing the fags is wrong. Leaving a mess is crap but probably typical of teens

Took her for hot choc, I spent 1.5 hrs listening to her lie to me, tonight she's once again been in my drawer and helped herself to some of my skincare. I give up.

Lab it's isn't fine to bring friends home with her at 9pm without permission and knowing we were not there. Not fine at all.

Oh @LazySusan11 she's being a total madam. She wants to push your buttons. I hope you, DH and madam's Mum can get together to form a plan. I used to use people's things without permission but I was a troubled teen and don't really know why.

Hope you manage to resolve things x

Dsd dm has decided she can earn back time on social media, 30 mins for loading the dishwasher..etc. In theory it's a good idea however dsd has learnt nothing thrown several strops and continues to help herself to my stuff which tonight has been put away where she can't get them. I feel like a bloody prisoner I can't have anything in the bathroom that I don't want taking.

I cannot deal with stupid frigging parenting. I am so over it.

Padlocks. On everything. To get anything she had to earn the password.

So pissed off for you.

Cheeky sod wants a lock on her bedroom door 'well you're having one' I'm beyond weary. I am just going to disconnect and lock away all of my stuff.

As I recall, the correct response here is: fuck off. To the far side of Fuck. And when you get there, fuck off some more.

I've been a step mum, it's hard. She's bang out of order and your oh needs to call her on in in-front of you.

He did call her out, she now feels unwell and is hanging out for sympathy. 🙄

Of course! She's 14!!! Stay strong Op. you're not in the wrong here

I think I'm going to have a bastard aneurism at this rate, dsd is shouting at us AGAIN, it's a repeat of last weekend and the weekend before. Why is she constantly fucking yelling at us as if it's absolutely ok why is it ok for her to speak to us as if we were dirt on her shoe?! I don't scream at her, I just want a bit of peace and quiet!!