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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD going through the bin

52 replies

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:24

Okay ....

So I am looking for my DS match attack cards as his whole book has gone missing. I popped into my DSD bedroom and look where her books are. On looking I saw rubbish from mine and my DH bin from our bathroom. DH are trying for a baby. I found my ovation sticks and information on ovation. I am speechless!

DSD is 10.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 12:29

Have you asked her about it? She’s at a naturally curious age and a potential new baby may be something she wants to talk to you about.
I’m presuming your bedroom is out of bounds to her as you sound pretty annoyed by the whole thing?

Obviously her going through your stuff isn’t ideal but she’s only 10, it’s not uncommon behaviour.

livefornaps · 03/11/2017 12:31

Well you're going to have to have some sort of chat with her - will she have been aware of what all this stuff is? And worried about a potential new arrival?

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:32

I haven't got an issue with DSD going into the bedroom. What I have issue with is DSD going through the bin!

I do not feel at the best of time I have any privacy.

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Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:34

DH and I have had an open conversation that we are wanting a baby and with hope it will happen next year. DSD was very excited to hear this.

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MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 12:35

I’ve forgotten what privacy is myself! It’s not easy as they get older and the house gets busier.

I would have a very gentle chat with her. Explain that we don’t look through bins but you are open to answer any questions she may have.

MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 12:36

I bet she was, I would have loved a baby brother or sister. Maybe she thought it was a pregnancy test?

livefornaps · 03/11/2017 12:36

Do ten year olds have a keen sense of what goes in the bin is private?

Are they more likely to think that what's in the bin is rubbish and so "fair game"?

Do you think she just looked, wondered what the stuff was and then took it to her room?

Does she know how babies are made?

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:36

@ MinorRSole - sound advice. Thank you 😊

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Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:40

Oh creeky I don't think it is my place to do the baby talk.
DSD is a book worm and I am pretty sure she would of read into the subject... after find leaflets on ovation I believe she might be aware of how to fall pregnant - I mean that lighthearted. I am confused though as she has her own bathroom and there's no need to look in the bin which is in the bathroom.

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MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 12:41

We had our stash of adult toys discovered by a nosy 3 year old - I know the privacy invasion feeling well

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:42

Ha .... oh dear ...

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livefornaps · 03/11/2017 12:44

Who knows what ten year olds think though?

What you view as a breach of privacy, she might not.

And while she is excited - it is possible to feel conflicting emotions at such big news - and possibly not even be able to name them. Especially at an age where she might just be finding out how babies are made. It might lead to such seemingly irrational behaviour like going through your bin.

I think you need to check in with your husband about this. Does she live mainly with you?

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:45

DSD lives with us 50% of the time

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NorthernSpirit · 03/11/2017 12:48

Agree with other posters. You should have a chat to her. Going through a bin isn’t right and emptying the bin and keeping the contents isn’t right. How are things with the mum? Could she be involved at all (asking the SD to do things)?

I have 2 SC - and some privacy is important to me. I have no problem them coming into the bedroom but ask that they knock before (in case i’m not dressed etc). I do the same when I go into their rooms as it’s their space and it’s manners.

You’re the adult so upto you to set the boundaries.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2017 12:51

She’s curious and inquisitive, I wouldn’t assume she was going through the bin, maybe she put something in it and saw sight of them, I’m not sure why you have the arse about it. Would you feel the same if it was your biological child?

I’d either not mention it, or I’d say I saw them when looking for x and does she want you to answer any questions. However she also is permitted privacy, being ten doesn’t change that, and you were going through her room. You could have shown her some trust and asked her if she had the cards. However you didn’t. You took it on yourself to have a good rummage through her stuff.

I guess kids learn from the adults around them. What will your message be, do as I say, not as I do?

livefornaps · 03/11/2017 12:52

Yes but i'm not convinced a ten year old would view going through a bin in the same way an adult does. She may have presumed that anything in a bin is unwanted and so no harm having a bit of a snoop. It might just be in reaction to this big baby news. I don't think she's actively trying to do any harm

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:53

Things are not great with DSD mum and that's being kind.

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NorthernSpirit · 03/11/2017 12:57

Have a chat to her.

Agree that you shouldn’t just go into her room and go through her stuff (she needs to learn by example).

Explain that we don’t go through bins and ask her if she wants to chat about anything.

Children get sex education in Y2 & Y5 so at 10 she should be aware of how babies are made.

LoverOfCake · 03/11/2017 13:02

Why in the name of God would you discuss your plans for having a baby next year with your children? Step or otherwise?

What happens if you have problems conceiving? Multiple MC? If it just doesn't happen or if life's circumstances change?

There are multiple threads on MN from people who don't even want their adult friends and family knowing about their baby plans and you're talking about all this to a ten year old? Added to which you're upset about your privacy being breached and your ovulation sticks being found when you're merrily going through your DSC's room to look for something belonging to your ds?

I think you need to take a look a bit closer to home first before complaining about a child finding something in a bin.

And have your baby talk with your husband and leave the kids out of it. They have no place being involved in your plans for ttc and frankly at ten she isn't going to want to know you and her dad are having sex.

I can see why the mum isn't exactly supportive....

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 13:07

MmmmMmmm I was going through her stuff; I was looking on the bookshelf as we have just come back from holiday and my DS wasn't able to find his match attack book. So when I had 5 minutes I thought I would check the bookcases to see if it was there... if I had gone through her draws and bin ... that would be snooping... looking for a book on a bookshelf I wouldn't class as snooping or overstepping the boundaries.

DSD goes through my knicker draw ... makeup wardrobe and so on ... the girl even wears my knickers ... i don't feel like I have anything of my own at the best of time .... but I can't understand why it is acceptable for a child to go through a bin (step pedal) in my bathroom to know that I have been peeing on a stick.

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NorthernSpirit · 03/11/2017 13:13

You need boundaries. You have every right to go into her room (it’s your house), but shouldn’t be snooping. She needs the same boundaries. Live by example.

Agree - you shouldn’t be discussing baby plans with her. It’s private information.

As for her going through your stuff and wearing your knickers. You need to put a stop to that. Set boundaries, you’re the adult.

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 13:13

Loveofcake I think you are being extremely unfair.

It was DSD mother who actually told DSD we would have a baby then we wouldn't love her nor want to see her as much. Therefore we felt no lies and explained yes we would love a baby and with hope baby would be here next year.

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livefornaps · 03/11/2017 13:13

You can't change what has already happened.

I presume she pressed the step pedal, saw something, might have even presumed it was a pregnancy test, and made off with it.

It was probably just an impulse, moment of madness type thing.

I do agree that if she's just learned about where babies come from, then it might be a bit weird for her to know that you are both trying for a baby.

But you can't change that now.

You seem to be conflating this incident with her doing things like wearing your knickers. You seem really quite resentful. Why is she wearing your knickers? Does she run out of her own? Just tell her not to go through your draws. Is your relationship with her okay?

LoverOfCake · 03/11/2017 13:14

Well in future throw it away in the main bin. Job done.

Children learn by example, and it seems very clear that you have no boundaries anyway if you're talking to her about your plans to ttc. That kind of talk is not for children. Imagine the kind of pressure she probably feels now to be excited about the potential new baby when actually she probably feels that she's going to be pushed out by a new arrival assuming their is one, added to the knowledge that you and her dad are going to be having sex a lot to make this baby.

Seriously your behaviour here is so inappropriate that it's impossible to judge a ten year old for hers.

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 13:15

Sorry I was giving wearing my stuff as an example ... I am the same size as DSD.

DSD has tones of clothes, socks and knickers it just appears she enjoys wearing my stuff.

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