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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD going through the bin

52 replies

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 12:24

Okay ....

So I am looking for my DS match attack cards as his whole book has gone missing. I popped into my DSD bedroom and look where her books are. On looking I saw rubbish from mine and my DH bin from our bathroom. DH are trying for a baby. I found my ovation sticks and information on ovation. I am speechless!

DSD is 10.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

livefornaps · 03/11/2017 13:16

Just seen your update - if her mum has said something like that then she is probably massively insecure!!! It's outrageous that mum has said that but even if your stepdaughter us genuinely excited, at ten, her mum's words are going to stick.

I don't think this is about the bin. I think she is secretly very worried. I think you have to take your own feelings out of it.

LoverOfCake · 03/11/2017 13:17

Ah yeah, all the crazy ex's fault.

The response to that surely is "well who knows what the future holds, maybe we'll have a baby one day but that's not happening yet."

LoverOfCake · 03/11/2017 13:24

livefornaps that's assuming of course that the ex actually said that. At ten the DSD likely has friends who have been pushed out by the arrival of a baby because it does happen on an all too regular basis, and if the mum has said anything along the lines of her dad ever having more children she might have added the rest for herself.

When my ex's partner fell (unexpectedly) pregnant my ex told ds (twelve at the time) that he had always wanted another baby and tried for one with me for years but that I had been unable to fall pregnant. quite aside from the blame put on me which fortunately went over ds' head ds's response to me recently was "frankly that conjures up images I really didn't need to have put into my head." .

MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 13:24

I think step parent threads bring up our own emotions. I’m not the step parent in our house (dh is to the older 2). My dc were treated very badly by my ex and his new wife - they now haven’t seen them for over 4 years.
I can definitely see how easy it is to project your own situation on to these threads.

That being said I really think that being a step parent can be extremely hard so having a place to discuss issues without judgement is critically important to the whole family.

It sounds like op is doing her best in the circumstances, certainly don’t think she has said anything to imply otherwise.

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 13:28

Loveofcake research actually suggests this way.... so put that in your cake hole. 😜

OP posts:

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 13:40

I love my DSD; we have a great time together. Even when my DH isn't at home she wants me to pick her up from school. We have a great relationship. DH has commented on a number of occasions that he is jealous of my relationship I have with her.

With regards to having a baby.... DSD speaks openly about it: she has stated on lots of occasions when the baby is here "we will" have a connection.

OP posts:

SenecaFalls · 03/11/2017 13:41

It sounds like op is doing her best in the circumstances, certainly don’t think she has said anything to imply otherwise.

Exactly. Everyone's situation is different. When DH and I got married, my DSD (about the same age as OP's DSD) was very inquisitive about whether we were planning to have a baby; it turned out that she was concerned about becoming less important to her dad. So we had several conversations about it and did let her know what our plans were. It was the right thing for us.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2017 13:45

How the heck did the ex know you were trying for another baby? That’s the sort of thing you share when pregnant. Not when you’re trying. The boundaries are all over the place here. No wonder the kid is confused.

And you do sound incredibly resentful of her. She’s only ten. I suggest as adults uou all get your act together first, then when you’re clean, you can lead by example, right now you’re all a mess.

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 13:51

Bluntess100 oh you sound like an incredible woman let's met up sometime would love to hear your views on world peace ✌️

OP posts:

LoverOfCake · 03/11/2017 13:57

"With regards to having a baby.... DSD speaks openly about it: she has stated on lots of occasions when the baby is here "we will" have a connection." yeah, and in two, three, four years time when you've failed to conceive and she's a stroppy teenager and this mythical baby never materialises, that's the healthy way is it? Bollocks.

Healthy is to explain to children that you may want to have children in the future Not to talk about "when" you have the baby because really there are no guarantees. It's hard enough for adults who put expectations on their own fertility thinking that when they start trying it will happen straight away and then being disappointed when it doesn't. To put that kind of talk on to a ten year old child is frankly irresponsible, and I don't believe for a second there is any research which suggests otherwise.

Agree with @bluntness100 the adults here need to get your own boundaries sorted because right now those are the (lack of) boundaries you are modelling to the DSD who you are criticising.

cherrycola2004 · 03/11/2017 14:02

I really think she was just curious, poss thought they were pregnancy tests and then researched and saw they weren’t. Have a chat with her, ask her why she took them out and if she has any questions. Also tell her it’s pretty grim to be going through bins

Battleax · 03/11/2017 14:09

What a weird thread.

SarahH12 · 03/11/2017 17:59

Why on earth would you tell your DSD her dad and you are going to be having lots of sex? Fair enough say you may want DC at some point and alleviate any fears she may have there but it's unfair to 1) tell her their will be a baby (who knows how long it'll take if you get pregnant at all) and 2) tell her your having lots of sex! Even if you didn't come outright and say it, that's what she'll take from that.

Your worries about privacy are a complete side issue really. It does sound like she could have possibly thought it was a pregnancy test and then why wouldn't she be intrigued.

MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 18:11

Oh please, a 10 year old is not going to make that connection even if she has been taught that’s where babies come from. They don’t think like that at that age at all

nooka · 03/11/2017 18:15

I'm not sure why people are having a go at the OP for talking to her DSD about babies when it was her own mother that started the conversation and the OP was essentially reassuring her that while they were hoping to have a baby in the near future it wouldn't change their relationship.

I was thinking that knicker stealing was odd, but then I reflected that my dd nicks my clothes and has done for a long time. It's annoying but mostly just because she either likes my stuff or has run out of her own things.

OP I do think a conversation is in order about privacy and boundaries as you really need to address this before it starts to really piss you off.

nooka · 03/11/2017 18:17

Oh and I doubt that the DD is now thinking about her dad and step mum 'having lots of sex', sounds like her thoughts are more focused on the potential baby (plus lots of sex isn't always required).

MinorRSole · 03/11/2017 18:41

I have a 13 year old dd who ‘nicks’ my clothes but I think it’s more dh getting confused over whose they are and putting them in the wrong pile

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/11/2017 18:47

I would just ignore this. Kids are curious and nosy and like to know things. I don’t think it’s particularly worrying and I wouldn’t want to make a memory of shame and embarrassment for her associated with any new baby.

swingofthings · 03/11/2017 19:14

She knows you are trying to get pregnant. She is excited at the prospect. She saw the test and thought it was a pregnancy test. She took it with her to look at and threw it in her bin. Nothing shocking with this.

Totally agree that 10 years old do not have the same concept of privacy as we do and certainly don't consider any bin a place of secrecy and in many ways, I agree with them, after all, some bin people do the same.

I don't think there is anything wrong having discussion about trying for a baby. It's all about how it is being discussed, but I personally think it shows respect for the children that they are considered important enough to discuss it with them. If it doesn't happen, this can be discussed it with them to, again, in a way that is age appropriate.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 03/11/2017 19:22

Agree a chat is in order about boundaries. She can’t be helping herself to your underwear drawer (are you tiny or is she large??) or going through bins. Suspect she thought the ovulation test was a pregnancy test and probably got excited. I would make it a rule that she can’t go into your room without asking.

rightroyal · 03/11/2017 19:31

This thread is another perfect example of the hypocrisy of mumsnet. Step mothers are treated appallingly! OP deserves the privacy to be able to put something in her own bin without DSD going through it! At 10 she's old enough to know right from wrong.

Original poster

Justoneme · 03/11/2017 21:05

Well that was an interesting chat with DSD;

Okay, I explained to DSD about coming into her bedroom to look for a book. I apologised for going in when she wasn't home and explained how I saw my ovation bits. DSD didn't appear to be surprised nor did she appear disgruntled about me finding what I did.

I apologised to DSD if we had upset her regarding us wanting to have a baby. DSD laughed and asked if we could have twins ... I explained we may get sent 1 or 2 but ideally 1.

We had a lovely chat. DSD didn't appear to show any signs of distress nor did it appear to be a false conversation. I still don't understand why she took the ovation bits from the bin, I guess I don't need to understand.

OP posts:

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 03/11/2017 21:38

I explained we may get sent 1 or 2 but ideally 1.

Sent?? Where does she think they baby is coming from? Argos?

Also, it’s ovulation. There really shouldn’t be any ovation in your bathroom bin.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 03/11/2017 21:40

Did you tell her not to be going around in your room? Did you lay down any rules or boundaries? What exactly did you say other than apologise for going in her room?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 03/11/2017 21:40

Going=hoking!

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