AIBU - Ex wants to bring his new GF to school evenings.

[Goldilocks3Bears]

Ex and I split up 18 mos ago and are now divorced after a lot of aggro. Our parenting relationship has survived by a mere whisker and we've managed to largely protect the children from 'adult issues', like his affair. She is lovely to the kids, for which I am grateful, but he seems desperate to "up her position", starting to refer to her as 'stepmum' etc. after only 9 months (they are not married, only been living together for a year and she retained her old flat until recently).

This week we have senior school visits and he wants to bring her as "she has invested a lot of time and effort in the children". He and her have them every second weekend and half of the holidays....

I've already said I don't think she has a place there, it's super awks and we should be able to do these things as parents without others. I wouldn't dream of bringing a new BF along to these things, even if me and the kids were living with another man.

I've asked him this twice now and he just emailed to insist she will be there. I feel like he's trying to make a point and this is overshadowing the true reason we are there and focus on our child's future school.

AIBU and WWYD?

Goldie

I was civil and polite so what appalling behaviour are you referring to?
Flirting with your ex to make her jealous. You might think that you are hiding your feelings from your DS but I would bet that the one person the most uncomfortable that evening was him.

I went through what you have and felt an incredible urge to rise to it and battle back. I was left in tears quite a few times from the injustice in the way he was using his power to undermine me, but having been a child of single parents myself, I know what's like to be in the middle and I vowed I would never act like that, so I swallowed everything and let him 'win' all his silly battles.

The outcome? DD isn't that bothered about him, goes there more to see her little brother and DS is refusing to go. Ex is on medication for depression. Me, I'm having a fantastic life and great relationship with my children who are happy and settled children despite their poor relationship with their dad. I'm so glad I didn't confront him because he really wasn't worth it.

I don't think its right step-parents going to parents evenings unless its something that the child plus their mum and dad want. I'm a stepmum and it never crossed my mind to go to my stepson's parents evenings when he was in school.

Magda72 Thu 12-Oct-17 11:12:10
For future reference a school would be in breach of the law to have her included in parent teacher meetings or disclose any personal information to her without written consent from both your ex AND you. My sister is a teacher & I asked her this.

Unfortunately this isnt true - it should be, but its not if the "stepparent" can be considered to have care. If they live together you will probably not be able to prove that they dont have care. The 1996 Education Act (not repealed) gives this as the definition of parent

576 Meaning of “parent”.
(1)In this Act, unless the context otherwise requires, “parent”, in relation to a child or young person, includes any person—
(a)who is not a parent of his but who has parental responsibility for him, or
(b)who has care of him

School Standards and Framework Act 1998
43 Annual parents’ meetings.
(1)Once in every school year the governing body of a maintained school shall hold a meeting (an “annual parents’ meeting”) which is open to—
(a)all parents of registered pupils at the school;
(b)the head teacher; and
(c)such other persons as the governing body may invite

Apologies for incorrect info. I must have picked my sister up incorrectly!
I will check with her - possibly she meant individual school policies?

Personally I agree with your sister's school that it is personal data and that access should be restricted. Perhaps they've had guidance? I looked into it when my son's (independent) school refused and still refuses to do anything about my ex's partner attending any meeting relating to my son. And the idea that a parent can take anyone along and the schools can't do anything is a nonsense.

I agree step parents can't win!

There was a thread a while ago about a step mum, her 2 dc were in private school and her partner thought she should also pay for HIS dc (her step dc) to go there as well... a lot of people were outraged that she didn't want to & stating that all the dc must be treated equally etc & she should fund a private education for step dc (presumably whilst at the same time not in any way involving herself in sdc schooling )

Mumsnet is full of people moaning about their own kids & their behaviour but if a step parent even slightly complains they will be met with a barrage of abuse!

Dating a dad & becoming a step mum is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever experienced

And as for all this 'if you're not married' business

Sorry for the hijack OP, you have obviously been treated badly by your ex & the OW who seem to have no morals or decency! They are a pair of arseholes who you are stuck with (for now). Hope you can continue to handle them with calm dignity

But some of the posts about step parents really wind me up!

I agree step parents can't win!
I usually agree with you on this. Step mothers must treat their SC as their own but have zero say in anything important or behaviour. Step dads are awesome dads who are often better than the chikd's actual dad.

But, I do think there is a massive difference between a step parent who has been a stable parent figure in a child's life over time and Mum/Dad's new partner.

If a step parent has been around for years then it may make sense for them yo attend some things.

There is no situation i can think of where a parent's latest shag should be attending parents evenings when the child has 2 parents who can do it.

Yes, it's more some of the attitudes on display on this thread...

I have full sympathy for OP!

I agree step parents can't win!
This comment has no place on this thread. The woman in question here can hardly be referred as a SM. I totally agree that you don't have to be married to be a SM and I have considered my ex's partner my kids SM after they'd been living together for a couple of years.

However, you can't consider this women, who came in this family and wrecked it (not solely obviously but was part of the destruction) and only newly into a committed relationship with him, to be able to be called a SM at this stage. Her grasping a parental role in this situation at this stage of the relationship is nothing else but wrong. She isn't 'wining' because she is acting selfishly and irresponsibly.

However much I think OP is going about dealing with the situation wrongly, I share her anger and dismay with the way this woman is acting, which I think is despicable.

Agree swing
This woman is not a step parent. She is the other woman and father's latest shag.
Thry are only presenting her as a step mother to legitimise their relationshio which ripped the family apart.

(I think step mums get an awful time on MN and that's shown in some kf this thread. But the bottom line is this woman is NOT a step parent)

I would say that your ex is definitely putting her feelings first. He wants her to come because she plays a big part in their lives? That’s all about her - her wants and needs.

As far as I’m concerned this should be about the children. The adults feelings here are not relevant. They don’t need 3 adults at an open evening! The parents are plenty. What if you brought along everyone who had played a part in their lives? Friends? Aunties? Grandparents? You could end up with a whole tribe!

I feel this is all about ex’s partner and her issues / insecurities. The children should come first - she needs to deal with her issues herself.

I’m sure she’s been bending ex’s ear about this too.