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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU - Ex wants to bring his new GF to school evenings.

161 replies

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 10:02

Ex and I split up 18 mos ago and are now divorced after a lot of aggro. Our parenting relationship has survived by a mere whisker and we've managed to largely protect the children from 'adult issues', like his affair. She is lovely to the kids, for which I am grateful, but he seems desperate to "up her position", starting to refer to her as 'stepmum' etc. after only 9 months (they are not married, only been living together for a year and she retained her old flat until recently).

This week we have senior school visits and he wants to bring her as "she has invested a lot of time and effort in the children". He and her have them every second weekend and half of the holidays....

I've already said I don't think she has a place there, it's super awks and we should be able to do these things as parents without others. I wouldn't dream of bringing a new BF along to these things, even if me and the kids were living with another man.

I've asked him this twice now and he just emailed to insist she will be there. I feel like he's trying to make a point and this is overshadowing the true reason we are there and focus on our child's future school.

AIBU and WWYD?

Goldie

OP posts:
JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 02/10/2017 14:36

The schools round us have open mornings as well as open evenings. The DC are encouraged to go to the open morning with one or both parents, as they get to see the school in action. Are there any alternative times/dates? If so, I'd be tempted to go for an alternative (even if it means taking a half day holiday) and leaving ex and his gf to wander around by themselves at the evening, with or without DS...

youokayhun · 02/10/2017 14:49

I have RTFT but what a load of shit "school things are not the place for step parents" is. Both myself and my partner have pretty strong involvement in our respective children's school lives and why shouldn't we?

Cakedoesntjudge · 02/10/2017 14:55

How much involvement does she have with your DS? I wouldn't bat an eyelid if DS' SM came to something like this for him but we get on and she does a lot with DS when he's there. She often takes him to school/picks him up as opposed to exdp doing it and so I wouldn't think it unreasonable for her to be there.

However, it wouldn't occur to me to take my DP. We haven't been together as long, he doesn't pick up/drop off DS etc etc.

So I think it depends on the level of involvement. From the sounds of it, you think your exdp is doing this to wind you up. If I were you and I felt I could be civil to her and your DS isn't against her coming I'd either suck it up or go separately. Because the more fuss you make, the more satisfied he'll be. Plus you can't actually make him come alone so if it's something he's refusing to do it's not worth your energy.

flumpybear · 02/10/2017 15:02

I'd phone the school and ask for their help, they may have a policy anyway for such situations as it can't be unusual

Personally I'd say no too, she's not making decisions and shouldn't have input to your decisions thus is not a tripartite arrangement it's mum and dad only

flumpybear · 02/10/2017 15:05

Oh and the time and effort she's invested is to benefit him, he's not there for his children so she is, she's not doing you a favour she's doing him the favour - I wouldn't invite an au pair to make decisions for my kids - that's kind of her role here, yes time and effort but that's what she signed up to by marrying a father - the vows don't include being another mum

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 15:10

Her involvement is limited to every second weekend and part of holidays. She has no decision making here whatsoever. There is no need for her to get involved.

Re the comment about me not being kind when "she's so nice" when she got the kids.... the point here is I'm civil to her in front of the kids because I don't want my kids to feel stuck in the middle of this, it's about them, not about making her feel great about herself. Fuck that shit. I have no interest in being friends with her. She's lovely to the kids when they have them as far as I know. She's not been kind to me through this process though. Not at all.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 02/10/2017 15:25

It seems so weird. The only time my DH was any part of anything to do with my DS from first marriage education was when he graduated uni and DH and 1 and ExH and his New wife all went together to graduation.

Any school visits, parents evenings etc we went just ExH and I. However, plays etc DH would go. These were usually on for more than one night and then we'd go one night and ExH and W the other.

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 15:55

@flumpybear they're not married, our divorce literally just went through but he/she/they have been gung ho since we split in 2016. Insisting she meet the kids five weeks after he left so she could "be part of his whole life", started referring to her in emails as "stepmum" after (allegedly) only dating less then a year, you get the picture...

OP posts:
mustresistwine · 02/10/2017 17:14

Please don't ring the school as someone suggested, it's an open evening & they can't get involved in this kind of domestic stuff!

voice of bitter experience... you can't stop him taking his new GF & it sounds like you will never convince him it's not appropriate!

I know it's tough but the evening will be packed with loads of parents, and possibly some step parents & grandparents. Could you not just 'suck it up'? You will rightly be focused on your DS, let the ex wander round with the new GF if he likes. It's not actually causing any harm is it?

Then go home, congratulate yourself on being the bigger person, and have a glass of Wine

TwoDots · 02/10/2017 17:34

What is your DS opinion on it all?

WizardOfToss · 02/10/2017 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoDots · 02/10/2017 17:59

Wizard, I wish you were my dp’s ex!

I do honestly believe ex’s can put up such a barrier between step parents and their children. It can work the other way around too of course. It’s nice to see someone including the step parent

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 18:22

@twodots ds is indifferent to her being there.

This has been a disaster from the start and there's not enough virtual wine to go through it all. I don't even think it's about whatever input he thinks she'll have - I think it's a control issue.

Of course I'll have to suck it up if she shows up after all but I also know if I showed up with a dude, his head would explode.

Goldie

OP posts:
Smartiepants87 · 02/10/2017 18:30

She gets to be involved in plenty of events at school like plays etc snd with the nature of his work she effectively has the children for periods of time on her own.
But as previous posters have noted, this is not a jolly night out, it's big parenting stuff and our ds, him and I should be able to go as a team so he feels supported. She has no vote.

I have to say I'm normally all for step parents knowing when to step back when it's hard to have that stance when in a short period you admit above that she has your dc when she's on her own I assume when your ex is at work so it's as if she's good to look after them but not attend events, it's kind of blurred the lines abit about boundaries. My ex has DS when he's off work it's extremely rare that his sm would have him unless she picks him up an hour or so prior to ex coming back from work but never a full day. Ex and sm do attend parenting evening seperately just like me and my DH attend.

Thymeout · 02/10/2017 18:39

She won't have input in the decision-making convos between ex and you, but the chances are she will play a part in convos between ds and ex. Perhaps better that she should have seen the school with her own eyes? She might turn out to think the same as you, if there's any doubt.

It's a public occasion and if she stays around, she will play a part in your ds' life, including education, whether you like it or not. I know how you feel, because I'd hate it, but I think this is one of many occasions that you'll have to put your feelings about your ex on one side.

Hissy · 02/10/2017 18:40

Hold on... she’s been living with him for a year?

Due to his work she has the kids on her own for good periods of time?

She comes to get them/drop them back?

She’s nice to them, cares for them and is polite to you?

Burn the witch!! How evil can a person be? How dare she?

Ffs, this is ridiculous, really!!!!

If she is having them as much as it appears, if she is actively interested and involved in the kids lives and yes education, and your h values her opinion then why on earth would’nt she go with him?

I asked my boyfriend to come with me to my ds open evening, ds Dad is abroad and a pita, and I value my oh opinion

Oh, and try to choose a senior school where they're strict about enforcing things like 'only two tickets per family to school plays' and 'only parents or legal guardians at parents' evening'

Omfg! What utterly awful attitude. Truly disgusting, shame on those who think this!

How does this crazy behaviour benefit the kids???

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2017 18:40

I also know if I showed up with a dude, his head would explode

Ha! Yeah, my ex too. His quality of partner is poor. If I had done half of the things he had done, he would have dragged me through court for residence. Fine for him and partners to do whatever they want.

You can't stop it. Perfect 'nod and smile' and ignore.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2017 18:43

How does this crazy behaviour benefit the kids???

Speaking as a mother who's ex has hijacked tickets for him and latest girlfriend, how does that benefit the kids? Never having their actual mother at school events? I suppose I should just suck it up 'cos she's nice and all that?

Aderyn17 · 02/10/2017 18:44

She is not even a step parent is this point - just dad's girlfriend. I'd be fuming too.
Shame you can't take a random bloke just to see how he likes it. Not saying you should really because it isn't fair on your ds, but when you do meet someone, you won't feel any need to be sensitive to your exh's feelings.

Smartiepants87 · 02/10/2017 18:47

She may not be classed as a step parent but she's good enough for childcare pick ups and drops from her ex and op. You can't have it both ways op.

Oswin · 02/10/2017 18:51

Smartie she does it for his benefit not the ops ffs. She's not doing childcare for the op she's doing it for him.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/10/2017 18:52

I would suck it up, OP, as long as she doesn't interfere if your and your DS's dad disagree about which school to choose ....

Smartiepants87 · 02/10/2017 18:54

She's doing it for both. No way would I allow someone my dc didn't know look after them in any situation. Unless it was an established relationship for a period of time

averythinline · 02/10/2017 18:55

I think I would just go with DS , EX can go with who he likes.....these things are a free for all anyway generally and there are generally multiple heads talks etc ..non stop demos-I would pick the head talk you want to get to and go from that - you do not have to do this together...

unfortunateevents · 02/10/2017 18:58

If it's anything like my experience of open evenings, it will be a scrum. It would be nice if you could go as a "family" but if you don't want your ex's partner there then I think you go around with your DS, and ex can go with her. You may well not even see each other.