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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU - Ex wants to bring his new GF to school evenings.

161 replies

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 10:02

Ex and I split up 18 mos ago and are now divorced after a lot of aggro. Our parenting relationship has survived by a mere whisker and we've managed to largely protect the children from 'adult issues', like his affair. She is lovely to the kids, for which I am grateful, but he seems desperate to "up her position", starting to refer to her as 'stepmum' etc. after only 9 months (they are not married, only been living together for a year and she retained her old flat until recently).

This week we have senior school visits and he wants to bring her as "she has invested a lot of time and effort in the children". He and her have them every second weekend and half of the holidays....

I've already said I don't think she has a place there, it's super awks and we should be able to do these things as parents without others. I wouldn't dream of bringing a new BF along to these things, even if me and the kids were living with another man.

I've asked him this twice now and he just emailed to insist she will be there. I feel like he's trying to make a point and this is overshadowing the true reason we are there and focus on our child's future school.

AIBU and WWYD?

Goldie

OP posts:
Mama234 · 02/10/2017 19:01

I'm with Hissy on this, I don't see why it has to be made out to be such a big deal, Its an open evening.

Aridane · 02/10/2017 19:10

You're overreacting, OP

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/10/2017 19:16

Go as a family?? But you're not anymore? OP is the ex! If she was vile to your children you'd have reason to complain. Why is it such a big deal?

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/10/2017 19:17

Not the place for step parents??? Never had a thread made me so angry!

DooWhaaDiddy · 02/10/2017 19:19

Never in my 9 years as a SP have I felt the need to go to my sc's parents evenings. Concerts, sports days maybe but not parents evenings.

DooWhaaDiddy · 02/10/2017 19:20

*open evenings even

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 19:21

@smartypants87 she's not "doing it for both", trust me, she's picking the kids up when he can't arrange himself to be on time for those four days a month he has them, not because I'm relying on her for childcare because I've got that covered and would happily hang on to my kids if he's not back in time but that's awkward for the children.

@aderyn17 well, as it happens ;-) ....

Interestingly I've had the input of my male friends on this and they've all been unanimous in saying they'd not come along to this even if he couldn't go.

OP posts:
Smartiepants87 · 02/10/2017 19:32

Sorry but your allowing a stranger to care and collect your dc. How long has this been happening? Is a family member not available to collect for him? What would he do if he was single? What if they split up would the next partner be doing the same? In most cases I'm always understanding of boundaries when it comes to step parents when parenting but she is doing an element of parenting when she is collecting dropping off and caring for the dc is she not?

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/10/2017 19:42

Smartie, she's hardly a stranger?

Jenna43 · 02/10/2017 19:43

She shouldn't be there, why would she? I wouldn't dream of ever pushing into my step-kids parents evening.

Smartiepants87 · 02/10/2017 19:44

Well she is if she's been doing it from the start isn't she?

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/10/2017 19:46

Was she collecting the step kids without her partners permission?

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/10/2017 19:48

I've got step kids and I'm not in the least bit interested in attending a parents evening. But if this woman has a genuine interest in the kids and looking out for their best interests then why shouldn't she go as her partner's OH? She's not a stranger she's his GF and she looks after the children. Step parenting is impossible.

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 19:49

@bringmesunshineplease yeah, we're not going as a "family" - that ship has sailed :-) but the point is, this is a major event, there's a lot of tension around it already, and there's been tears from ds. Having her there is not going to benefit the situation at all and for anyone saying "it's not a big deal", then why can't she stay the fuck away?! Why do I have to make nice and put up with her?!

As nice as she is to the kids, she/he/they have been vile to me from the minute their affair came to light and taking every opportunity to throw me under the bus.

@smartiepants87 - "What would he do if he was single? What if they split up would the next partner be doing the same?" Those were my precise same questions and many, many more as he has tried to fast-track her into mummy-mode. I have no legal means of preventing her from collecting the children on the few occasions he is unable to and they thankfully only have the kids so little. Not sure having his kids for half a day makes her a parent though - in that case maybe I should take my childminder to the open evening?!
So I've tried to be the bigger man here and it would be really nice if they could do the same.

OP posts:
Ducknose · 02/10/2017 19:51

You can co-parent amicably and be respectful of the new partner (which you are) without being on board with this goady, weird set-up. Why the hell would she even consider going?! I wouldn't dream of it in her shoes.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 02/10/2017 19:51

Smartie, the exH has parental rights, so he can decide how to arrange childcare on his days. If he's not around for half the contact time I'd be Angry, but if it's just picking up and dropping off it's just normal life.

I'm a SM and don't go to any of DSS's school things unless his mum isn't going to be there. I wouldn't go to parents evening or open days unless I was specifically asked for a really good reason. I don't have any problem helping DSS with his homework, washing his clothes, discussing "mean" teachers etc.

People should really just chill out. The children really don't benefit from knowing the adults are not getting along.

I'm also a SD. My SM is lovely.

BringMeSunshinePlease · 02/10/2017 19:57

OP you don't have to be nice and put up with her? He wants her to go, just because you don't doesn't mean she shouldn't. Just ignore her.

Move on, they had an affair, you split up, it happens. Stop using your kids as a weapon.

Mama234 · 02/10/2017 19:57

I'm saying its not a big deal because it isn't in the grand scheme of things she takes care of your children on her own already and does pick ups and drop offs.
I also don't get how you can be so conflicting in what you write, You said she texted you saying to you thanks for being nice to her and later on down the thread when people aren't agreeing with you you start saying how vile she has been?

It sounds like you still harbour a lot of hurt feelings to be honest which you should really work through. Its not good for you or your kids you feeling like this.

DameGlitterSparkles · 02/10/2017 20:04

I say this as a step parent. This is not on they're using your DS to get at you, not prioritising his schooling.
You've only been split up 18 months ffs was she the OW OP?

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 20:09

@Mama234 - the text from her was to thank me for being civil to her when she collected the children from my house (she does not do pick ups/drops at school as we have a childminder for that). I was pleasant to her as I wouldn't dream of causing a scene in front on the children, despite her/his/their previous behaviour towards me. She seemed to think that my good behaviour was for her benefit, it was not. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I'm over "it" and frankly I think I dodged a bullet in the long run (doesn't everyone after a messy divorce though haha!?) but I think she's overstepping the boundaries (again) and that's the point of this thread.

G

OP posts:
Lemonnaise · 02/10/2017 20:10

Move on, they had an affair, you split up, it happens. Stop using your kids as a weapon

Yeah move on, it's no big dealHmm. How in gods name is OP using her kids as a weapon? Does OP now have no say about her kids because there's a step-mum on the scene now?

Aderyn17 · 02/10/2017 20:14

Goldilocks, if you were so inclined, I think you could legally prevent her from doing pick ups. I don't think you are under any legal obligation to hand your children over to anyone other than their father, since your contact arrangement is with him and not whichever gf he happens to have at any given time. You could legitimately argue that he had to sort his shit out and pick up the kids on time, himself. I'd be tempted to do this to make his life awkward and remind him that gf is not his children's other mother and she has fuck all parental rights. I'd only not do it if it was going ti upset my dc.
What you couldn't do is stop him leaving the dc with her during his contact time or her dropping them back home.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/10/2017 20:17

No. Dad can do what he wants. If he gives the girlfriend the responsibility of picking up the children, the school must honour that. Same way they would honour a childminder picking up or the OP's sister.

newjobblewobble · 02/10/2017 20:18

My ex has been with his now wife for 8 years, my DS stays there 10 nights a month, and neither of them would dream of her coming to something like this. Of course she goes to plays, ceremonies, whatever. But she doesn't go to open evenings or parents evenings. If there were any significant issues with DS, that we all had to address, while he is with me, while he with them, etc. then that would be in his best interests, of course. But for bog standard parents evenings, and info evenings, she is happy to let us get on with it.

I'm not saying "there's no place for step parents" at these things, because that depends entirely on individual set ups. But in your set up, there is simply no NEED.

These two are using your DS as a way of reinforcing her perceived position in the "family".

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 20:19

@DameGlitterSparkles yes, she was the OW. I don't know for how long as him and I were still very much 'business as usual' if you know what I mean - bleeeurgh.

OP posts: