AIBU - Ex wants to bring his new GF to school evenings.

[Goldilocks3Bears]

Ex and I split up 18 mos ago and are now divorced after a lot of aggro. Our parenting relationship has survived by a mere whisker and we've managed to largely protect the children from 'adult issues', like his affair. She is lovely to the kids, for which I am grateful, but he seems desperate to "up her position", starting to refer to her as 'stepmum' etc. after only 9 months (they are not married, only been living together for a year and she retained her old flat until recently).

This week we have senior school visits and he wants to bring her as "she has invested a lot of time and effort in the children". He and her have them every second weekend and half of the holidays....

I've already said I don't think she has a place there, it's super awks and we should be able to do these things as parents without others. I wouldn't dream of bringing a new BF along to these things, even if me and the kids were living with another man.

I've asked him this twice now and he just emailed to insist she will be there. I feel like he's trying to make a point and this is overshadowing the true reason we are there and focus on our child's future school.

AIBU and WWYD?

Goldie

He sounds like a right twat! What kind of parent purposefully rocks up before their DC and then leaves before going around with them?!

It really sounds like he's trying too hard to have that outward appearance of playing happy families - whilst failing spectacularly!

Goldilocks, I can so understand how you feel. I've been there although your circumstances are even more emotionally loaded. Of course you are totally right on principle BUT... your reaction is only giving them ammunition to justify that you are the problem as you react to their provocation. Don't rise to it however much your emotions are dictated your response.

Don't use foul language in response. If you get to that stage that that's all you feel you can do to get back to him, just don't respond at all. If he persists, still ignore. In the end, by ignoring him, you are in control.

Also, don't let your frustrations and upset show to her. By rolling your eyes to something she said that might have been kind words, you are showing to be the difficult one. Instead, it would have been better to smile, give a quick meaningless response and leave it that.

I know it is hard, I really really know, but I can assure you that it works. I've been there and come out on the other side. I can now look back and feel pride that however much my ex provoked me by being unreasonable, I manage to keep a dignified position and although my kids wouldn't say anything, I know they are now old enough to realise it.

It does get much easier with time, and I have to be honest, it was especially so once I got into a relationship myself and therefore didn't feel so alone in it although my DP never got involved at all (and I wouldn't have wanted him to be).

So tonight, go there with your head high. Don't respond to any of his texts, you don't have to. If she speaks to you, stick a smile on your face so that all she can say (if not to other but to herself) is that you are actually a nice person. Don't forget that she could be the next one betrayed by your Ex, and you wouldn't be the first one to actually become close to the woman who contributed to wrecking your life.

Being a single mum on your own is very hard, so make sure you also do things that bring you some happiness as this makes it easier to balance the * that comes with it too.

@swingofthings thank you xx

I'm actually in a relationship with a great man. He has kids too and one of them in particular has struggled as she sort of went off the rails. Because of this and my tenuous relationship with my ex and upcoming house move, senior school move etc, we have decided to keep our relationship secret (for now) and not introduce our kids in the mix. I've met his adult daughter and his other kids know about me as they're older (and use his phone) but we haven't met and mine do not know anything. They keep asking me to get a boyfriend but they've got enough going on with house moving, school, etc so we're going slow on this one. It's tricky but we make it work and it's "kids first".

That's great, and when you are all settled and official, it will be a lot less stressful.

Personally, I took the approach of being honest with my kids right away and my OH and I both agree that it was better to introduce each other asap as them getting along (and imagining they could share a household happily) was essential before considering taking the next step of moving the relationship forward. So was honest with my kids about my new relationship, but also that as it was early, there was no guarantee that it would last and if it didn't, it would be ok because no one can predict the future, but you have to go along giving it a try if it feels good and if it doesn't work, then we move on.

There is no right or wrong. If you introduce early, you potentially avoid having to consider later whether to continue with a relationship you are totally emotionally committed to, which makes it very hard if things go wrong. On the other hand, if you introduce too early, and it goes wrong, you have potentially destabilised the kids for nothing.

It certainly makes it even harder when the children have issues of their own.

Anyway, going back to your ex, when he realise that it's not just him whose moved on and will also have to accept that he isn't loved and desired by two women any longer, he will come back down to earth and realised that he will get nothing from playing with your emotions and hopefully will move on. What you will need to hope though is that he doesn't confused moving on emotionally from you but his son too. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.

Yeah..... another reason we're keeping quiet is that like with this school thing, it seems to be about control. When ex found out I had started dating again (his mate told him I was online) he quizzed the kids about it and then sent me an email asking me to keep my adult pursuits away from the kids. One rule for him another for me - ho hum.

New man's daughter and I really got along and I'm also aware that it's easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of a new relationship but I'd hate for the kids to get attached and then it falls apart again. I'll introduce it gently. They are aware I date for now and I've told them they'll meet my boyfriend when I find one that's special enough to meet them.

It says more about then justifying their relationship IMO than it does about supporting your son...

Glad you have someone special to sound off to, and us of course.

Goldie. He is, without doubt, an absolute bellend. Bringing the OW is about him trying to wind you up & possibly appease her. Don't rise to it. I doubt very much that his presence there alone would have added anything to your sons experience last night, I think she's a bit of a red herring. He's not, in any way, shape or form the man you married. Whether he actually brings he or not in future is irrelevant, he's turned into a complete dick, even if she's not actually there he's going to be the twat he now is.

He's a real bellend isn't he 😖

I agree with @Magda72
What a couple of prats. What is fundamentally important for children is to see their parents respecting each other. This was being disrespectful. So wasn't 'good' for OP's DS. They can role play all they want but that's all it is.

I’m a step parent OP but I’d never in a million years do this. School concerts, fine. Not open evenings or parent evenings.

They do both sound like immature people who have their own agenda which is nothing to do with the well-being of the kids.

It sounds like you're very bitter. Why do you have such a problem with her being there? What harm is she doing?

Why on earth would the OP want the Ex OW anywhere near her, talk less of being involved in her DS schooling?

I swear people on here are on another planet or they have been OWs and see no wrong in it.

If any OW came near my DCs school, she'd live to regret it very quickly.

I'd personally also arrange future viewings with your DS minus your DH.

OP .. you're very gracious with her.

Her opinion with the school choice doesn't matter, so why would she be there. Silly woman she is.

I'm surprised shame doesn't keep her away.

When ex found out I had started dating again (his mate told him I was online) he quizzed the kids about it and then sent me an email asking me to keep my adult pursuits away from the kids. One rule for him another for me - ho hum.

Did you respond to him?

What an absolute cheek.

Every time he refers to her as your children's step-mother, I think I'd take great pleasure in setting him straight, i.e. that no, she is their father's (current) girlfriend, not their step-mother, until such time as he remarries.

Nonsense @thatdearoctopus as any dictionary will tell you you don't need to be married to be a step parent!!

@SandyY2K of course. Told him it was none of his business and he needed to stop embarrassing himself by even asking.
When the kids started asking me about dating I told them that yes I would be but it would have to be someone pretty special before they get to meet them. They'd clearly heard a conversation about it so I also made sure they knew that's how I met their dad back in the day because I think the prick forgot that minor detail when he was ranting about me being online....

They've behaved really insensitively. You're doing right keeping your own relationship private for now.

octopus bright either way, I'd be tempted to say to him, next time he refers to her as stepmum 'oh, did you get married? When was that?'

I just googled definition of stepmother and it seems you do actually have to be married to the child's father, for this tetm to apply.
She is just dad's current girlfriend. She has no more status or significance than any other random person that dad knows!

I don't care wtf he calls her. I'm grateful she treats the kids well and they seem to enjoy going to their dad's. However, this seems to be more about her and him playing house than adult thinking.

I didn't update on the second open evening. Her behaviour was so possessive other parents took exception. She kept trying to draw ds away to look at things and holding him on his shoulders that sort of thing. It was just weird.
So me being fucked off and all, I decided two can play that game and every time she did this I'd engage the knobhead xhub in a whispery conversation away from them. He's too thick to understand what was going on but she is clearly insecure there because that seemed to put her in check for a bit.
Considering how despo they are for approval and her being there as a legitimate parent, it backfired spectacularly as everyone we know took one look at what was going on and thought he'd lost his mind.

Yup.
It is "the wife of one's father" and distinct from "one's natural or legal mother".
Obviously non married people in long term relationships with people with kids will refer to themselves as stepparents but technically & legally they're not.
In this case I would have a little fun pointing this out to your ex & his oh.
Also a stepparent has no legal standing with regards to issues of guardianship (education, medical matters etc.) with children who are not biologically theirs or for whom they have not either legally adopted, or been appointed legal guardian. For future reference a school would be in breach of the law to have her included in parent teacher meetings or disclose any personal information to her without written consent from both your ex AND you. My sister is a teacher & I asked her this.

Step parents whether married or not really cannot win. If we're interested we're interfering busy bodies, if we don't give a shit were heartless, cold and evil! I fall into the latter category after years of trying, I now literally don't give a shit what they do!

They can win sunshine, by behaving appropriately and sensitively.
If this woman truly cared about the OP's dc, she wouldn't have helped to break up their family in the first place. But that aside, forcibly inserting herself into the OP's parental business, will win her no friends.
She has been on the scene for 5 minutes - she hadn't had years in which to build a relationship with these kids and where her 'interest' might then be more welcome.

Kids aren't stupid. The OP's son knows that she doesn't care about him as much as she wants to solidify her own position and not feel insecure.

Goldi, I totally understand your outrage, which is totally valid, but I think you are the one feeding right into their game by going along with it trying to gain one over her/him. Surely ou know what happens in such conflict? You win one, they will win one and on and on it will go, building up in the momentum, forgetting about what it is you are battling about and only caring about coming out of the latest battle victorious… whilst your DS will be stuck in the middle, witnessing appalling behaviour on both sides and feeling totally alone because he will know that nothing is about him any longer.

Step away from it all and focus on your son. If she wants to play happy mum with your DS, let her. It might make her feel good and make you feel crap, but it will only be temporary. She will get bored of it when she realise that the good feeling is only temporary and that acting as a mum is actually hard work with little reward.

It is very hard to keep things for yourself and not rise to the provocation, but it really does get easier as you force yourself not to respond, to the point when actually, you get more satisfaction from ignoring them than fighting back. It’s also a lot less tiring, so that’s more energy that you can devote to your DS. One thing many parents/SP don’t realise is how much more aware their kids are of the dynamics. They become very good at perceiving behaviours and will start to make their own judgement, even if they don’t express their views to start with until they become more assertive.

You might you are doing right by your DS, but I promise that you are not. He doesn’t care for the battles and he doesn’t need you to show this woman that she is not his mum.

@Aderyn17 step parents are surprisingly sensitive human beings, or can be! Much like "real" parents there all sorts of different types.

I was not the OW but am treated like it by the childrens mother. The children are teenagers and therefore I have the "joy" of teenage behaviour, coupled with attitude from ex-wife and all for two ungraceful, thankless brats who expect everything and give nothing.

Therefore, OH and ex-wife can spend as much time at the school as they like but I won't be found within 100 miles of it.

She can play happy mum all she likes when they have the kids and I have never said a bad word about her or him to the kids. The point here is she had zero place at that event. Zero.
I asked twice that she didn't come yet you think I'm the one feeding into the drama and should just play nice and ignore it? I was civil and polite so what appalling behaviour are you referring to?
In fact, since the moment he walked out the door I have done everything I can to make sure the children have been shielded and maintained their relationship with their dad. The amount of times ds has called him out on his bs and I've glossed over it are too many to count.
As much as I can put on a face and behave myself, I'm also not going to endorse this clusterfuck like some stepford wife and if I faked niceness to this woman I would lose all credibility with my ds because he'd see straight through that.
You cannot raise your children with defined boundaries and values and then when somebody sets fire to them, pretend like it's all honky dory.

Hi Sunshine,
I'm a mum & a 'step mum' (dp & I not married) & in my experience the sm will never win in these situations unless the dm supports her - it seems that the kids first loyalty lies nearly always with their mum.
My kids step mum (also not married to ex) spent the first year or so really not knowing her place, & I'm sorry but people do need to know their place. She was the ow (kids didn't & still don't know that) & I think guilt drove both her & ex to try and create this happy family where I was repeatedly squeezed out - I was (an still am the constant reminder that the two of them aren't the upstanding people they wish everyone to believe they are). Without losing my cool I just kept reinforcing to both of them that I was my kids mother & the RP & that for anything school related or medical etc. I was the first port of call & that I was not going to move over to make way for what they wanted.
I NEVER bad mouthed her to the kids despite them being endlessly upset initially as ex did same as here - invited her to everything, insisted she was their sm & constantly chose her/their wishes over those of the kids. I politely but firmly stood my ground with both & she eventually got the message, ex never did.
I've always pointed out to the kids that they were more angry with their dad than with her & that they could not make her the scapegoat; that they could politely tell her that they didn't want hugs or whatever but that they could never be rude to her; that she was always kind to them. As a result they all now have a great relationship with her. She's very good to them but defers to me in serious matters & the kids tell me that she now says to df that certain things have nothing to do with her & that he should contact me.
If my daughter moans about rules over there I just say to her sm's house now so her rules. We are by no means friends but I respect the position she has in my kids lives & I think she respects mine.
I'm not saying I'm wonderful - I was so hurt at the time that I could have vilified her & the kids would have sided with me, because I'm their mum. But at the end of the day the kids were going to have her in their lives so really, why would I do that? It is very easy for dm's esp, if they're the RP to turn the kids against a sm & unfortunately it happens way too often & causes a lot of strife. However, certain sms can be beyond thoughtless as to the needs of dsc's. Most dsc's really don't want another mother figure - they want a friend who will respect them & their boundaries & way too often sms just don't get this.

Re my own scs, I feel my role is to support their dad in his decisions regarding them & to maybe give him a different perspective from time to time. I can't stand the way their dm parents them but SHE is their mum & my opinions on the matter really aren't relevant unless it ever gets to a point where they are being rude to me or to my kids or to their dad. That doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that what goes on in their home with their dm in really none of my business - she carried them for 9 months, she gave birth to them & my opinions on her parenting are of no real relevance.
She however thinks I'm the devil incarnate (I'm not an ow) & uses her power to ensure her kids struggle to have a relationship with me, though in fairness I think as they get older they see she's being unreasonable, but their loyalty will always be to her - which I completely understand.

And Goldie I agree.
As my kids got older I often called out their dad's behaviour if it upset the kids. If I didn't I would be raising 3 kids to believe that you can walk all over people & let people down all the time without their being any consequences.

I never called out him, I called out his behaviour & I tried to give my sons the verbal tools to stand up to him & to tell him they weren't happy about certain things.
And in case anyone thinks I'm being one sided I've also taught them to call me out if they think I need it!