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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU - Ex wants to bring his new GF to school evenings.

161 replies

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/10/2017 10:02

Ex and I split up 18 mos ago and are now divorced after a lot of aggro. Our parenting relationship has survived by a mere whisker and we've managed to largely protect the children from 'adult issues', like his affair. She is lovely to the kids, for which I am grateful, but he seems desperate to "up her position", starting to refer to her as 'stepmum' etc. after only 9 months (they are not married, only been living together for a year and she retained her old flat until recently).

This week we have senior school visits and he wants to bring her as "she has invested a lot of time and effort in the children". He and her have them every second weekend and half of the holidays....

I've already said I don't think she has a place there, it's super awks and we should be able to do these things as parents without others. I wouldn't dream of bringing a new BF along to these things, even if me and the kids were living with another man.

I've asked him this twice now and he just emailed to insist she will be there. I feel like he's trying to make a point and this is overshadowing the true reason we are there and focus on our child's future school.

AIBU and WWYD?

Goldie

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/10/2017 06:46

If you had split when the children were young and she'd been a step parent figure for most of their childhood then I would say that new partners would be fine (bit decisions are between parents only).

However, their relationship can be meausred in weeks. The dust hasn't settled and he is more concerned with parading her around for the world to see. It seems he is looking for a way to legitimise his relationship and get past the whole affair side.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 03/10/2017 06:52

They're twats, you know this.

You need to continue to protect yourself emotionally from them.

I would let her come along, and all the while be thinking what kind of 32 yr old woman wants to be at an open evening for school (boring) for kids that are not her own when there are already two parents there and the mother doesn't want her there?

pigeondujour · 03/10/2017 07:01

He's trying to force a square peg into a round hole at the same time as trying to get a rise from you. That shows how well it's all going in new girlfriend-land. I would blank his email and when you see them say a condescending hello to her as if she's turned up in her dressing gown, then move on. She will very quickly get bored of shit like school open evenings. Then they'll move onto something else, unfortunately, but cross that bridge when you come to it.

I can't believe the brazenness of either of them. Obviously riddled with guilt and embarrassment and trying to kid themselves it's ok.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 03/10/2017 07:06

One of the things I've always loved about my kids stepmum is that she'd never dream of going to stuff like this - unless no one else could.

But then it's fair to say she's a woman with a life- this woman unfortunately sounds like she does not...

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 03/10/2017 09:47

Everyone is spot on with the guilt thing - my life is a total cliche really. Everything is my fault of course and btw - this dialogue only happens via email, he refuses to talk to me face to face because I use big words Hmm

OP posts:
SarahH12 · 03/10/2017 17:37

If they've been living together for a year, how is he trying to upgrade her in 9 months?

But No, totally inappropriate for her to be there! I go to DSD's school concerts (evening ones anyway) but I wouldn't dream of getting involved even with parents evening let alone the sort of evenings you mention

inlectorecumbit · 03/10/2017 17:49

Just email and tell him that you will see them at school and that you will be bringing the DC's stepfather along too. (One of your nice male friends).
No need to explain further and if he asks the DC's haven't met him yet.

I would just love to see his face when he reads the email Grin

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 03/10/2017 21:37

He texted me at 7am to ask what time we would arrive, then again. In the afternoon. I told him in time for the head's speech at 6.30pm.
They got there 45 minutes early and did a tour of the school. He then texted me at ten to six to ask where we were and if it was "easier if the cm dropped him off so I could finish work". The school is the other side of town and cm has never been.
Told him to fuck off and we'd see them there. So they pitched up having done the tour and sat next to us in the auditorium for the talk. She sort of leant of to whisper something and I just rolled my eyes at her and looked away. They left after the talk and ds and I did the tour. Yet again their agenda took precedence over our kid's.

Really looking forward to the repeat performance tomorrow ....

OP posts:
BringMeSunshinePlease · 03/10/2017 21:44

It sounds like you're very bitter. Why do you have such a problem with her being there? What harm is she doing? I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do less than go to my step kids parents evening as I'm totally disengaged from them but she sounds like she's genuinely interested. You need to grow up!

pigeondujour · 03/10/2017 21:56

It sounds like no such thing Hmm

So he toured the school with his girlfriend and not his son? Is he planning on sending her there or what?

Cat2014 · 03/10/2017 21:57

I don't see the problem,
I think its nice she wants to be involved. I think you're being unfair.

ToadsforJustice · 03/10/2017 21:58

They are playing at being devoted parents. Imagine turning up 45 minutes early without DS. Twats. They aren't fooling anyone.

EndofSummer · 03/10/2017 21:58

I’d contact her myself if I were you, a very short polite but firm,

thank you for being kind to my children while they are with you. I’m sure you’ll understand that for school parents and open evenings I’d rather just my children’s parents attend, and main decisions or discussions for the parents too. It keeps things straightforward, simple and clear. I hope you know that this is not personal in any way. Thanks for supporting me in this.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 03/10/2017 22:01

I haven't read the thread but I had this happen to me last year so I investigated. I turned up to parents evening. I had already arranged separate meetings due to my ex's abusive nature. I saw my ex and his partner in the hall. I spoke to the Head and said I really objected, my son has a learning difficulty so this would be very personal information that this person would be hearing. The school said there was nothing they could do and in fact looked at me as if I were the nuisance for raising the issue.

It seems that under the education act of 1996 that any person who has the slightest connection or care of a child can be deemed to be a parent. It must the broadest definition of parent ever written. But it does seem from that that it is very difficult for a school to refuse to let an adult attend. I was shocked, still am.

On here it seems as if polite convention rules. So if you wish to take a person without pr to a parents evening you ask the other parent politely.. My ex and his partner have no manners or social graces so they exist on entitlement. It is not ok but that is how it currently is in this country with the mess that we have with laws and definitions after divorce with children.

Magda72 · 03/10/2017 22:14

Goldie - I'm sorry but your last post made me laugh. Seriously - they have no idea how daft the two of them look, or how they reek of desperation!
You did great & will do great tomorrow also.
And to those who say you sound bitter - you don't! And to those who say she's trying to be nice - she's not! She's trying to muscle in in order to make herself feel less insecure - none of that behaviour is about what's best for your ds. Btw - how did he feel about the whole evening?
And before anyone jumps on me I'm a step mum too & I think what your ex and his dp are doing is bang out of order.

Cat2014 · 03/10/2017 22:16

I don't agree. I think it is good for ds she's showing she's interested .

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2017 22:17

Does his partner have children of her own? It often 1seems to be step-parents who are childless over step the mark because they have no empathy or understanding of the situation

What absolute rubbish.

Oswin · 03/10/2017 22:21

Let me get this straight. They wanted the cm to drop him so you wouldn't go? Are they fucking having a laugh?!

pigeondujour · 03/10/2017 22:31

I don't think it shows DS she's interested at all if they're showing up early and touring separately to DS. IMO what would be appropriate and show she was interested would have been letting his dad go and go round with him and OP, then when she next saw him saying "how did you like the school, your dad said you found it [X/Y/Z pieces of specific feedback that showed his dad had cared enough to talk about it after and she had cared enough to listen]"

newjobblewobble · 03/10/2017 22:36

I can't believe that he did the tour with her instead of his son, just so he didn't have to leave her out of it. And he thought you would be willing to be as shitty as him and not even bother to attend! Confused

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 03/10/2017 22:54

@pigeondujour and that's exactly what I would have liked and I'm very happy for her to be both interested and nice to the children 👍🏻

She added nothing to the visit and to anyone who says "oh what's the harm" - here it is. My child's dad sat next to him for an hour listening to a speech, then left. He wasn't part of the discussions we had throughout the tour, he didn't see what impressed his child and all he achieved by insisting she comes - despite me asking calmly twice and not so calmly again yesterday - is grief.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 03/10/2017 22:56

What a pair of twats! My friend has an ex like this - he tells her that any parenting decisions are a 3 way thing ( and she was the OW too).

I also agree that this is more common in GF that don't have kids. This isn't a slur against people who don't have them, but I certainly had some silly ideas about children before I actually had DS. I also think when you have kids of your own, you're firstly too busy and secondly more respectful of the boundaries.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 03/10/2017 23:04

sounds like you're very bitter. Why do you have such a problem with her being there? What harm is she doing?

This is the OW, the one who had an affair with the man who was previously the OP's husband. It is staggering just how many people consider 'step parents' entirely untouchable. Maybe she could have some humility and recognise that the act of having inserted herself into someone else's relationship makes her a piss poor step parent? Maybe recognising that not everything is about you? The harm is already very much done but if you must ask, perhaps children seeing one of their parents squirm, or just be generally uncomfortable is harmful? Or perhaps knowing that the reason mum sometimes cries when she thinks we don't see is the relationship dad has with the OW?

As for the OP needs to grow up. Seriously? She has accepted the situation, divorced quickly and is getting on with life. How about the ex and his partner accept that their actions are not those of rational, decent human beings and recognise that sometimes, it isn't all about them.

The shit some people have to go through and then have other people aacuse them of 'bitterness' because parents evening really is for, you know, parents Confused

Penhacked · 03/10/2017 23:24

Yep, they are acting like nobs. You, on the other hand, are doing a fine job of the 'adulting for both of them thankfully. Well done despite difficult circumstances. Must be so hard to accept you once married someone who is that size of an insensitive dickhead. Oh well, rid of him now at least.

Original poster
Goldilocks3Bears · 03/10/2017 23:43

@penhacked this man bears no resemblance to the one I married, even on his worst days Confused

OP posts: