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Step-parenting

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Ungrateful SD

132 replies

WhiteCat1704 · 26/07/2017 19:01

I have a 16 year old SD who has been living with us for the past year. Things were ok in the house recently but there has been some drama in the past which I attributed to the new arrangement and all of us needing time to get used to the new situation.

Few weeks ago me,DH and our DS (2) went to see my family for some time. SD was invited along but she never wants to go and went to spend some time with her cousin, aunt and uncle instead.

We parted on good terms - or so I thought...I took her to a hairdresser and payed over £100 for the appointment (wasn't the first time either) and she was nice and chatty.

Long story short we got a phone call from her aunt when away. She was raging at DH for letting me mistreat his DD. Apparently I am horrible to her, control her father and want to throw her out of the house.
I'm now THE Evil stepmother from hell.
The aunt wouldn't listen to my DH that it was all lies..She contacted DH sister too to tell her what a horrible person I am..

I'm feeling shocked and hurt about this..and fed up..I have tried very hard with this girl and this is what I get..
I now REALLY want her out of the house..We took her in last year as she told us her mother was abusive..
But I don't think I can believe it anymore AND her mother wants her back. DH said she crossed the line and its unforgivable.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 29/07/2017 09:26

Thank you again for all support. I am relived she has taken those accusations back in front of SS even though the family conflict is still going strong.
Poor poor girl, rejected by everyone. It's clear from your posts that all you care about is you and clearing up your name.

What were the supposed allegations that were so bad, SS would come right away to talk to her. Did she accuse of sexual abuse, beating her up, locking her in a closet and not feeding her for 48h, or did she say that you were controlling and buying her love?

She reminds me so much of me.... rejected by my mum and dad in very similar circumstances. At 14, I ended up in a boarding school, not by choice at all. At 15, I went aboard and stayed with a host family and for the first time in my life, I had a glance of what a 'normal' family was. It was such an eye opener and for the first time in my life, I started to feel some confidence. When I came back, I insisted in living in my own place and my parents were only too happy to agree with me.

I ended up doing well, very well. When you are thrown into an adult world during your teenage years, you learn to become more resilient than anyone else your age and that resilience make me climb every difficult times I faced during adulthood.

However, the damage was done in terms of my relationship with my parents. I've moved abroad, as far away from them and I'm happy to see them once a year or so. They are now at the age where the roles are reversed, they are the one who need me. Like them, I feel a sense of duty towards them and always will, but do I miss them, do I look forward to seeing them? No, I don't, not at all.

I really hope this girl has the same stubbornness and tough attitude than I had which made me succeed in all I set myself to do.I hope one day, she find someone who will love her for who she and find a balance in her life that means that she won't care at all if she has no further contact with her and you. You (and him) don't deserve it.

Magda72 · 30/07/2017 00:29

OP your Dp needs to father this child. I agree her behaviour is awful but the whole situation sounds toxic. There's obviously something going on between her & her mum & the aunt sounds like a nightmare & is behaving appallingly. I can totally understand your hurt & frustration but this girls family of origin are all behaving very badly - it's no wonder she's a mess.
She needs some tough love at this point, not abandonment.

WhiteCat1704 · 30/07/2017 08:11

We have calmed down more, talked things through and reconsidered. SD is staying with us.
Aunt can piss off..she has caused a lot of damage and she has been calling me names to anyone who will listen. I only met the women 3 times, last time over a year ago so it's not a loss for me but it's unbelievable that a 50year old would act this way (regardless of what SD was saying).

OP posts:
swingofthings · 30/07/2017 09:16

Good to read. I did suspect the Aunt was behind most of the trouble (indeed regardless of what DSD say).

Hope you can find an arrangement that will work for you all. Talking is always Master of resolution!

lottieandmia · 30/07/2017 09:23

I'm so glad you've reconsidered. She certainly isn't emotionally mature enough to be living by herself.

Is the aunt her mother's sister? If so it sounds like she may resent your dh having moved on. Some grown adults are too immature to handle this stuff. If that's the case you need to take everything she says with a pinch of salt and try not to let her have much influence in your SD's life. Next time try to encourage her to come with you. Show her that she can trust you.

No good can ever come from a situation where a bunch of adults are all taking shots at each other and undermining the child's parents. The aunt does not sound like a supportive person to have in this dynamic.

SpartacusSaiman · 30/07/2017 09:27

Thank god for that.

Op, your dh (and you to some extent) need to keep talking to dsd. You need to get to the bottom of how she feels and work through it together.

Anatidae · 30/07/2017 12:07

Good!

She needs calm and stability. Work through it as best you can, and good luck! I am so glad you've reconsidered this.

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