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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ungrateful SD

132 replies

WhiteCat1704 · 26/07/2017 19:01

I have a 16 year old SD who has been living with us for the past year. Things were ok in the house recently but there has been some drama in the past which I attributed to the new arrangement and all of us needing time to get used to the new situation.

Few weeks ago me,DH and our DS (2) went to see my family for some time. SD was invited along but she never wants to go and went to spend some time with her cousin, aunt and uncle instead.

We parted on good terms - or so I thought...I took her to a hairdresser and payed over £100 for the appointment (wasn't the first time either) and she was nice and chatty.

Long story short we got a phone call from her aunt when away. She was raging at DH for letting me mistreat his DD. Apparently I am horrible to her, control her father and want to throw her out of the house.
I'm now THE Evil stepmother from hell.
The aunt wouldn't listen to my DH that it was all lies..She contacted DH sister too to tell her what a horrible person I am..

I'm feeling shocked and hurt about this..and fed up..I have tried very hard with this girl and this is what I get..
I now REALLY want her out of the house..We took her in last year as she told us her mother was abusive..
But I don't think I can believe it anymore AND her mother wants her back. DH said she crossed the line and its unforgivable.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/07/2017 13:40

Why do women marry men when they don't want their existing children as part of the family? They have a choice, the children don't.

It usually follows with a child quickly so they can play happy families at the expense of the others.

Kicking her out because she lashed out as she's struggling shows how little you both think of her and confirms everything she suspected.

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 14:12

Thank you for all the supportive posts.

The situations is:
SD has taken back her allagations against me in front of social services worker.
She has maintained accusations against her mother and social services have deemed her unfit guardian.

DH held the position that SD has crossed the line and can't stay.
SD wants to live on her own but has no money and needs parental concent. SS are ok with that in principal. DH wanted her to go back to her mother but as things stand we, most likely, will look into renting her a studio flat or a one bedroom flat close to either us or her mother.

Situation is complex as we were supposed to move to England with SD going to college to do A-levels but she is still enrolled in tge original school in Scotland.
We need to decide if the flat will be close to her mother in Scotland or to us and DHs family in England.
I think it will probably be close to us but we need a think.

Thank you again for all support. I am relived she has taken those accusations back in front of SS even though the family conflict is still going strong.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 14:34

Why can't your dh take responsibility and deal with this situation properly? Ok, dsd says she made stuff up about you. Why isn't he asking her to apologise to you and then trying to find a way for all of you to move forward which shows her she is loved and also teaches her how to behave responsibly? It sounds like he just can't be bothered to parent her.

You would be far better off spending money on family therapy than a studio flat imo. I really can't believe your dh would wash his hands of her - it's shameful Sad and all this will damage her relationship with her brother. It's so sad. Please rethink.

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 14:40

Your dh is failing her completely.

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 14:47

Why do you think renting her a place would be falling her? We had a lot of conflict and drama in the house over the past year and as shown by recent events we failed to "blend". The flat would be within close proximity to family so she wouldn't be completly on her own. It would also be supervised and if close to us we would expect to see her at ours regularly.

My brother moved out at 17 and my parents are not divorced. He is a successful and happy men.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 14:52

Originally you said that things had been fairly settled for the last year?

It seems ridiculous that she has to move out because she made a few misplaced comments which she probably didn't mean at all. Her aunt should also be ashamed of herself for stirring all this trouble.

Thunderthighs11 · 28/07/2017 14:53

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Dollyparton3 · 28/07/2017 14:53

"Why do women marry men when they don't want their existing children as part of the family? They have a choice, the children don't."

Who said that?

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 14:55

I just feel very sorry for her. Her mother has abused her and her father can't be bothered with her and will write her off for the slightest thing.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/07/2017 14:59

I'm guessing if this was your own child they wouldn't be left with the choice to live alone or back with a parent SS deem unfit. But easy to do it to a step child who you don't want in your new little family

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 15:00

Because it doesn't solve the issue. It rewards her with something she will think is cool but which she's clearly too immature to deal with. It send her the message that you want her out of the home. It will feed her realisation she's unwanted

And it lets your dh (and you) wash your hands of her. It's a terrible solution.

Your dh is not coming across as anything like a good parent here - in fact he is coming across as lazy, disengaged, dramatic, spiteful and immature.

Terrible parenting on his part.

And yes, you should love your step kids. And if you don't you should never, ever let them get so much as an inkling of it. My stepfather has openly said to us he met and loved my mum but that having a ready made family of us was the best thing he's ever done. He's never treated us as cuckoos. He's wonderful.

Parenting is hard, but when it gets hard you don't get to just bow out. That's spineless. Poor kid, this is going to really harm her.

SpartacusSaiman · 28/07/2017 15:16

She has maintained accusations against her mother and social services have deemed her unfit guardian.

The mother you were going to send ger back to?

I hope you are a troll. I really do.

She is 16. I moved out at 18. Out of choice. Its totally different to moving out in these circumstances.

She has been neglected and/or abuse by her mother. He dad and step mother dont feel she is really part of the family (proved by kicking her out), no wonder the girl is acting out.

Who the fuck loves this girl and is going to be there for her? None of you.

You and your partner are the ones acting 'unforgivably' and you its her thats been betrayed by her dad.

swingofthings · 28/07/2017 15:19

It is highly likely she is doing the same again with SM because she knows it'll get her attention like last time.
Except that it isn't. What it is resulting is in her being rejected by everyone.

If she is known to lie so badly, why is OP taking it so badly and personally and why is the aunt so defensive.

If indeed she planned it all to happen this way (but then, why not go running back to her mum saying how horrible OP was, seemed much simpler), then this girl has some serious MH issues that need serious sorting out.

If however there is some truth in what she said, but she confided in private and it backfired so drastically, then I really feel for her.

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 15:28

Ok..you are entitled to your views.

SD has been talking about moving out at 16 anyway and she maintains that's what she wants.

I still don't believe her mother has been abusive but SD knew what to say to SS-she told us as much yesterday.

My DH loves his DD and he will support her going forwards but as things stand there are two children involved and this could have affected mine and DS life!

OP posts:
famousfour · 28/07/2017 15:44

This sounds like a difficult situation. However, like others the dramatic language used around betrayals and confrontation does not sound like adults dealing with their child...

Im assuming though that the allegations made against you were far more serious than those you have described given how your DH and SS have responded.

Best of luck to you all.

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 15:48

I think most 16 year olds wouldn't mind a flat. It doesn't mean that they are able to cope with independent living. It's a fast track to having unsuitable potentially risky people round. No way.

Could have affected your life? Well yes that's what children do. Well as long as you're not affected...

Poor, poor girl. This is going to be the start of a long downward slide for her.

The more you write the more I feel incredibly sorry for her. She doesn't seem to have a single adult in her life who will have her back and fight for her. Your dh is the one that has betrayed her. Utterly dreadful. You're leaving her for the wolves.

SpartacusSaiman · 28/07/2017 16:02

SD has been talking about moving out at 16 anyway and she maintains that's what she wants

Because she knows no one wants her.

I still don't believe her mother has been abusive but SD knew what to say to SS-she told us as much yesterday.

So despite SS saying she is not a suitable guardian, you still dont believe your sds. You do realise alot of abuse victims (especially young ones) often lie about being abused by other people. Becsuse their heads are a mess and they are crying out for help.

Your ds does not trump his dsd. You are both awful.

Underthemoonlight · 28/07/2017 16:06

This recipe for disater and your not the least be bothered.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 16:30

If you don't believe her mother has been abusive then why is a social worker involved? Social workers don't just take on cases where everything is fine at home for the child involved.

BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 16:57

"There are two children..."

RIGHT THEN OP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IMAGINE THIS WAS YOUR CHILD
I bet it's shit.

You're really isolating her. Just so you can have your lovely new family. All family is shit sometimes particularly with teens.
You don't just chuck 'em when it's hard.
She's proven she's not emotionally mature enough to live alone let you're still washing your hands.
I really feel for your DSD
Don't you remember how shitty it was being a sixteen year old girl?

lunar1 · 28/07/2017 17:55

How many of us at 16 thought at some point it would be a good idea to move out? Lots I'm guessing. She is obviously impulsive and there is no way she should get permission to live alone.

If what's being posted is real, every adult in this child's life including social services is a complete shower of shit.

Well done the lot of you for utterly failing. The poor girl will be living alone and pregnant by 17 at this rate.

BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 19:23

Agreed Lunar it would appear they're an absolute shower of twats...

Janeismymiddlename · 28/07/2017 19:30

as things stand there are two children involved and this could have affected mine and DS life!

Doesn't matter about your step daughter's life and the impact on her, then?

Just wow.

Oh and slander? You need to get yourself some legal lessons.

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 20:02

About living alone. It doesn't matter if you check on her daily. Predators love girls like this. Own little flat, desperate for attention, sense of worth shattered. They will find her. Her life will be ruined.

Please, please do not make her leave. Get some family therapy. This poor kid is being failed by all of you. You need to keep her at home and work this out.

Stop by dropping all the dramatics about slander and betrayal. It doesn't matter what she's said - I cannot imagine anything my kids could say that would make me kick them out. Only if they were an active danger to me/family would I ever make them leave.

You've got a teen who appears to be a mouthy madam but I guarantee you she's terrified. Please, please don't kick her out.

If you do, ask yourself why you're married to a man who wouldn't move hell and earth to get his daughter back on the straight and narrow.

lottieandmia · 29/07/2017 00:07

It's actually hardly surprising that the OP doesn't love her SD. The girls father has practically told her in his actions that she shouldn't bother. Probably from the very start Sad

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