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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ungrateful SD

132 replies

WhiteCat1704 · 26/07/2017 19:01

I have a 16 year old SD who has been living with us for the past year. Things were ok in the house recently but there has been some drama in the past which I attributed to the new arrangement and all of us needing time to get used to the new situation.

Few weeks ago me,DH and our DS (2) went to see my family for some time. SD was invited along but she never wants to go and went to spend some time with her cousin, aunt and uncle instead.

We parted on good terms - or so I thought...I took her to a hairdresser and payed over £100 for the appointment (wasn't the first time either) and she was nice and chatty.

Long story short we got a phone call from her aunt when away. She was raging at DH for letting me mistreat his DD. Apparently I am horrible to her, control her father and want to throw her out of the house.
I'm now THE Evil stepmother from hell.
The aunt wouldn't listen to my DH that it was all lies..She contacted DH sister too to tell her what a horrible person I am..

I'm feeling shocked and hurt about this..and fed up..I have tried very hard with this girl and this is what I get..
I now REALLY want her out of the house..We took her in last year as she told us her mother was abusive..
But I don't think I can believe it anymore AND her mother wants her back. DH said she crossed the line and its unforgivable.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 08:46

Also fwiw I think you're being oversensitive with regards to the 'betrayal' of her saying you mistreat her etc.
It's what teenage girls do, about ten/twelve years ago, one of my big sisters called bloody childline saying she had been held against her will, because my parents wouldn't let go out at midnight, to a club the weekend before she turned sixteen.

BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 08:48

mama she needs no learn it's hurtful and wrong but not by being thrown out of her family home for goodness sake.
Read post above, my parents decided to ban my sister from friends houses for a fortnight and youth club for a month.
Seems much more reasonable than fucking displacing her

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 08:48

Mama - do you throw your kids out of the house when they do things you don't like?

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 08:52

She needs to understand her actions are out of line.

Absolutely. Definitely needs a consequence. But the consequence shouldnt be rejection by the family unit. That has to remain stable for her emotional development to be normal.
OP certainly shouldn't say she is ok with the behaviour- that's not what I'm saying. Currently the adults in this situation are behaving in an overly dramatic and quite spiteful way. Which is what the teen is modelling herself.

swingofthings · 28/07/2017 08:52

I would still be very careful drawing conclusion as to what was said. If the sister had a chip on her shoulder, she could have blown everything out of proportion.

You could imagine the conversation:

  • so how's life been for you?
  • Yeah ok
  • How's whitecat treating you
  • yeah, she's fine, she's trying to be nice to me, it's just that some time, I feel she'd rather I wasn't there
  • that's outrageous, it's your home as much as hers
  • yeah, she told me off the other day because my room was a mess and said that if I was to live in her house, I would have to follow her rules
  • who is she to dictate the rules, did you speak to your dad about it.
  • well, dad goes along with what she says, he doesn't like conflict
  • well he should, you should be his priority
  • it's not so bad really, she took me to the hairdresser the other day
  • oh yeah, buying your silence
  • I'd rather not talk about it anymore
  • well I'm going to have a talk with your dad. You've been through a lot and he shouldn't let her treat you like that
  • I rather you didn't
  • we'll see
Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 08:53

There will be a discussion between DH, ex, SD and social services. Hopefully something positive can came out of that.

I feel shit about all of this. She has been playing with peoples lifes and I can't just ignore it because she is 16.
But I worry about her and that the choices she is currently making are very destructive.

I also feel she crossed the line. If she was an adult I would have a case for slander.

OP posts:
Ktown · 28/07/2017 08:54

Her parents need to start talking asap and pull themselves together.
You sd doesn't have a stable set up if her parents are barely speaking. They should be jointly discussing all aspects of her education and life. This isn't about you it is likely about her parents.
She is a child and not for much longer and her parents need to pay some attention.
As per usual the child is being left to languish while adults bicker.
You sound like the only stable person in her life so keep that up at least.

BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 08:56

WhiteCat
You say she's playing with people's lives, but you're playing with hers too.
You much more than she ever could you're an adult and thus will always hold more power than her.
I wish you all the best, but please try and put this behind you.
You can all work through this together.
Good luck

Ktown · 28/07/2017 08:56

Adults and kids lie and manipulate for attention so perhaps the fault is with the parents. Who is teachier her right from wrong? It doesn't sound like her mum and dad know if they don't have a reasonable relationship. This isn't a 16 old child's fault.

swingofthings · 28/07/2017 08:58

Just read your update, sounds like this is exactly how it went.... why is SHE being punished?

She is entitled to have her opinion about you, all teenagers have opinions about the adult in their lives. My children think I'm controlling and embarrassing. I laugh it off. Thank God I'm not suggesting they should go and live somewhere else because of it.

I too thought my SM was extremely controlling and had my dad wrap around her fingers when I was that age. Thankfully, whoever I might have told my feeling too didn't go blurted it out. I feel so sorry for her having confided to some extent to her aunt and having all this blown into her face.

Mama234 · 28/07/2017 09:01

Lottie no I wouldn't throw my kids out, Why are you getting personal, Op is also not throwing out her SD the suggestion is her moving back to her mums who she also made up lies about...

BarbarianMum · 28/07/2017 09:02

I can't believe you are throwing her out. Poor bloody kid - brought up in the middle of two highly hostile parents and now replaced by a stepmother with a high sense of drama and a cute toddler.

I'd pity your poor ds if you act the same when he's a teen but somehow I expect you'll manage to forgive him.

Mama234 · 28/07/2017 09:03

Have social services been called then op?

twattymctwatterson · 28/07/2017 09:07

"If she was an adult I'd have a case for slander". Oh grow up op. ALL of the adults in this girl's life are really letting her down. There's a reason she's acting this was - it's probably because she feels like the poor relation you've done a favour by "taking her in" rather than part of the family. It seems obvious she's crying out for attention and the first time she messes up you're sending her back to a place where she was unhappy with dramatic talk about "betrayal". It's very obvious you're not going to take the advice you've been given here though

redfairy · 28/07/2017 09:11

I'm not convinced you being as melodramatic as your 16 yr old SD is helping the cause. Teenagers say hurtful things, my own have cut me to quick in their time. I didn't send them to their dad's because if it though.

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 09:14

Yes social services are involved now.

I am a grown up. And I would have a case for slander. The aunt called social services with bunch of accusations against me on SD words.
As it stands I have a case against the aunt.

I appreciate all the comments here, I am calmer about it now but the bottom line is a line has been crossed and SD shows no remorse whatsoever.

OP posts:
BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 09:16

swingofthings and barbarianmum
Have definitely got it.

Underthemoonlight · 28/07/2017 09:19

I don't want a 16year old drama queen to break us up..we have a 2 year old DS together too..I don't want my DH to suffer, she is his DD and he loves her very much but I don't know what else we could do besides sending her to her moms.

It's all about what you want op isn't it. When you become a parent it's warts and all it's not just the best bits. So when your DS becomes a nightmare teenager out drinking with friends, getting into trouble your just going to kick him out?..... I didn't think so. Why is his dd any different? So she said some mean things about you? Get over it. She confined into a family member who challenged you. By your reaction I suspect she's properly not far off the mark on some of the stuff she said. I will say this sometimes we see things how we want to see them through a child's eyes and it's only when we get older and experience life we see things much differently. She's been failed by both her parents and you by being past between you all. TBH it's appalling behaviour. If your not careful this could have some damaging effect of her self esteem in later life.

livefornaps · 28/07/2017 09:26

"A case for slander" - are you serious???

Telling her she has to go back to her mum's - just lovely.

"I won't let a 16 year old drama quenn split us up" - as pp have said this is all about what you want want and your kids and you you you you you and your stepdaughter is an inconvenience you hope would go away.

A relationship with a 16 year old is not a business transaction, you don't put in a hundred quid for her hair and then wait for your return...!

You're clearly not listening to anyone on this thread anyway but I have to say I am very very shocked at your cold and heartless responses.

Gogglerox · 28/07/2017 09:28

Hang on a minute - because of what she's said to her aunt you're being investigated by social services?
What exactly has she said?!
Bloody hell I can see what you wouldn't want her in your home, and to be honest depending on what she's said she may not be allowed to be left with you anyway Confused
People excuse the behaviours of SCs on here all the time. She's not that young and definitely would know right from wrong at 16. If she committed a crime she would be tried as an adult at that age so she's definitely old enough to be culpable for her actions. Forget the fact she's a step-child, her actions were mean and she shows no remorse.
What has her mum said about this? Does she have your back considering SD has treated her the same way?
I think SD needs some serious reining in and possibly some counselling as it's not normal behaviour to go around making up false accusations about her mum and now her step-mum. She seems to have a lot of anger.

BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 09:39

'Shows no remorse whatsoever' - please tell me why you'd be bloody remorseful when someone is living up exactly to the bloody 'slanderous' comments that have or have not been said.

This isn't all about you op.

I wonder how you'd feel if this was your DC in fourteen years time.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 10:08

'a case for slander' OP, you really need to get over yourself.

You think that because you spent £100 on a haircut your dsd should be incredibly grateful and think you care about her. Well that isn't how teenage psychology works I'm afraid. I have a 13 year old who has been an angel for most of her life but guess what she has her ungrateful teen moments too.

Spending money on someone, although a nice thing to do does not make up for the unstable existence this child has clearly already had. It also doesn't show you love her. You know what does? Sticking by her no matter what and not pulling the rug from under her because having her live with you doesn't suit you and because she's behaved badly.

You are the grown up and you need to start acting like it - sorry to be harsh but you really are not taking anyone's advice on board and all you can think about is what she's said and you want people to say yes kick her out. All children say mean things to their biological parents too. Rise above ffs.

DressedCrab · 28/07/2017 10:11

Just read your update, sounds like this is exactly how it went.... why is SHE being punished?

Because she's a liar.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 10:12

'She seems to have a lot of anger'

Well most confused people do. This child's parents have let her down badly and have probably spent years bad mouthing each other to her or in front of her.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 10:16

And mama, I'm not 'getting personal' I'm making the point that no reasonable person throws a child out of their home just because they have behaved badly.