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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ungrateful SD

132 replies

WhiteCat1704 · 26/07/2017 19:01

I have a 16 year old SD who has been living with us for the past year. Things were ok in the house recently but there has been some drama in the past which I attributed to the new arrangement and all of us needing time to get used to the new situation.

Few weeks ago me,DH and our DS (2) went to see my family for some time. SD was invited along but she never wants to go and went to spend some time with her cousin, aunt and uncle instead.

We parted on good terms - or so I thought...I took her to a hairdresser and payed over £100 for the appointment (wasn't the first time either) and she was nice and chatty.

Long story short we got a phone call from her aunt when away. She was raging at DH for letting me mistreat his DD. Apparently I am horrible to her, control her father and want to throw her out of the house.
I'm now THE Evil stepmother from hell.
The aunt wouldn't listen to my DH that it was all lies..She contacted DH sister too to tell her what a horrible person I am..

I'm feeling shocked and hurt about this..and fed up..I have tried very hard with this girl and this is what I get..
I now REALLY want her out of the house..We took her in last year as she told us her mother was abusive..
But I don't think I can believe it anymore AND her mother wants her back. DH said she crossed the line and its unforgivable.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 26/07/2017 19:04

I think you, or rather your DH, need to try and understand why she does this.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/07/2017 19:04

No, YANBU to be upset but I think kicking her out isn't the way to go. Sit down with her and ask her why she has lied about you.

FaFoutis · 26/07/2017 19:05

It is the kind of thing people do when they don't feel accepted.

Zampa · 26/07/2017 19:09

I would recommend talking as a family group.

My DSC are younger and have in the past told their mum things that have happened that simply haven't. Rather than take it personally, DH sits down with his ex and whichever child concerned and discusses the issue. This has cleared the air and we are now at a point where the DSC know they can't lie.

Do your DH and his ex talk? They need to in order to avoid their child having more control than is sensible. In this instance, I'd recommend sitting down with the aunts and your DSD to have a frank chat.

I don't blame you for taking it personally. I did. But some allowance needs to be given to a child whose parents have split up and may be dealing with some tough emotions.

SpartacusSaiman · 26/07/2017 19:10

You cant kick her out. Thay is her home.

You can be hurt and upset. But your dh needs to do what parents do. Step up and try and find out where this comes from.

Unforgivable? Really? He is never going to forgive her and he hasnt even discussed this with her face to face yet?

Crumbs1 · 26/07/2017 19:12

It's the kind of thing troubled and unhappy children do to the people they love and trust the most. It's possibly because she knows you look after and protect her that she is metaphorically kicking you. It's testing to see whether you'll let her down as other adults have.
Talk to her honestly without anger (if possible). Be honest about how it makes you feel but also reassure her of her father's love.

Anatidae · 26/07/2017 19:16

She's a child. She's expressing some sort of emotion she doesn't have the maturity to process appropriately in an immature manner. That's why toddlers have tantrums and teens can be stroppy

You are an adult. You (should) have to tools to react and process emotions in a way that is mature and appropriate.

All this talk of unforgivable and drama and she rang 'er and said... it's very dramatic and very unnecessary. As are 100quid hair appointments (seriously??)

You need to be calm, and talk to her and your other half and try to see what's at the root of all this. She needs calmness and stability, not chucking out.

ive tried really hard with this girl and this is what I get

That sounds like you've never really liked her.

Anyway, she's a child and acting like one. You are the adults - be calm and act like it.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2017 19:16

I also think you need to be adult about this and talk to her about her behavuour and why she is doing it. Your husband does anyway. Simply reacting by saying you'll kick her out and never forgive her kind of gives truth to her lie doesn't it?

I think you both need to be bigger people and try at least to understand her behavuour.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2017 19:18

I'd also agree that it sounds like you never wanted her in the first place and possibly she is aware of that.

mazihepe · 26/07/2017 19:18

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Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 26/07/2017 19:26

Thanks for the replies.
Sitting down with the aunt and DSD could work but the aunt has been now insulting not only me but my DS too so I would struggle to talk to her. My DH could but there is distance between us..we will see..

I might add that DH tried to talk to her over the phone and she hung up on him and has been ignoring him since.

Its her home but she also has a mother who I believe stands a better chance at finding out what the hell is going on as SD has now proven not to have any respect for me or DH.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 26/07/2017 19:34

Oh yes, those optional step children. Throwing her out is the perfect solution.

RebootYourEngine · 26/07/2017 19:35

Whats your dh's relationship like with dsd's mum? Could they sit down with dsd and talk with her? Does she need outside help to deal with the situation?

Anatidae · 26/07/2017 19:36

Its her home but she also has a mother who I believe stands a better chance at finding out what the hell is going on as SD has now proven not to have any respect for me or DH.

Sounds like a convenient excuse to kick her back to her mum..?

You are being far too dramatic, she is a child having a strop. Disengage from the drama entirely.

Talk to the aunt. Don't go in guns blazing like it's an episode of eastenders and she's insulted you - do it calmly. 'Can we talk about DS - you saw her outburst the other week, we are worried about her and we'd like to calm it all down and get to what's bothering her, is there anything you could shed light on for us as you've seen her recently?'

You can't kick a child out of home for this. I guarantee you she's hurting and she's lashing out. Your job here is to let that slide off you to an extent. You never condone or engage with the behaviour. You never shout back. You never raise your voice. You don't issue ultimatums like you have no respect so you go back to your mum. shes a child

Be calm, disengage from the drama, and talk to her. She won't talk to you if she thinks she's coming back to face the music like some soap opera.

SpartacusSaiman · 26/07/2017 19:41

She moves in with you and HER DAD. He needs to have the converstation face to face. Not overthe phone.

Really odd how only her mum can get to the bottom of it. Even thought she has lived with you for a year. You cant opt out of parenting her. Your dh definitley cant.

She may be lying and exaggeratting. But i bet ger feelings are valid. It does sound like uou think you and her dad are doing her a favour. its possible she has pickes up on this too.

The aunt calling you names is unacceptable. She is an adult snd should know better. But she is in control of her reactions. Thats not dsds fault.

swingofthings · 27/07/2017 06:02

The sister is the problem. So SD has some issues, fine, most teenagers have things to complain about when it comes to their parents/carers. What is outrageous is how your SIL has reacted and seem to continue to do so. For all you know SD is embarrassed. It might have all been blown out of proportion.

Just one thing though, you paying for her to get her hair done is irrelevant. You can't buy kids' affection. It's more about how you've made her welcome in the home, respected her relationship with her dad and space. Maybe there are some issues that need discussing, sometimes we think we are doing to the right thing to realise that it's not having the expected impact.

Talking on the phone won't resolve anything. SD needs to speak to her dad first, and then the three of you together. SILs need to butt out.

Wdigin2this · 27/07/2017 09:30

Yep, the rest of the family need to button it, this is, initially between your DH and his ex to sort out! However, you are part of the equation, so you need to be part of any solution. This girls parents need to find out why she is lying, and if it's because she doesn't feel welcome at your house then the reason why has to be addressed. If she's just not happy sharing her DF, then your current family set up has to be explained to her, in terms she can understand and accept!
I can understand you not wanting to share your home with her now, but maybe there was a little of this feeling in you anyway.....which I can certainly empathise with, but it won't work in the long run.

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 27/07/2017 10:00

Thanks for further opinions.

ExW and DH hate each other and are practically no contact. I know this is a big issue as DSD has been playing one against the other but they just really can't communicate. It was done via lawyers in the past but DSD has been old enough to make her own decisions for a while now - legally.

DSD has told us her mother was awful to her. We bought it. DH cause he hates her and me cause I trusted DH judgement.
And full year later myself and DH are the awful ones.

I contacted her mother myself and spoke to her. She wants her daughter back and wants to continue talking with me so there can be a united front. When DSD comes back we will seat down with her and talk things through.

I want to add that DSD had countless conversations with her DF and separately with me and we also talked together. She insisted she was happy most of the time!!! And when she wasn't we tried different approaches.

It feels like a betrayal to me..At 16 she should know better.

Her aunt is a separate issue but I blame her for not talking to us.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 27/07/2017 10:09

Yes, I would see it as a betrayal too, but....she's 16, her parents hate each other and none of it is her choice!
We all remember being 16, so bloody dramatic and it's all about ME, ME, ME!!! Keep talking, and with the ex too if it helps, but maybe try to detach a little, it might put things in perspective!

lunar1 · 27/07/2017 11:44

The betrayal was by your dh. Step back from the the situation and look at the bigger picture.

You and dh are now going through exactly what her mum went through. This girls parents are so pathetic that they couldn't find a way to communicate to get to the bottom of things.

Your dh believed the abuse story and took his dd to live with him. Well why are you surprised that people now believe this story?

You would all rather play pass the parcel with her than actually communicate. Is there any wonder she doesn't have the skills to deal with the situation when the adults she is surrounded by behave with little more maturity than toddlers.

Don't expect more from a teenager than you do from the people who have set her examples.

anmool · 27/07/2017 11:51

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lottieandmia · 27/07/2017 11:55

You can't treat her like a lodger and kick her out of her home. That would be utterly horrible. She's still only 16 - instead of focusing on how you feel about it try to get to the root of why she's so unhappy. No parenting is ever easy but you don't get to give up and wallow in self pity I'm afraid.

lottieandmia · 27/07/2017 11:59

You didn't 'take her in'. She's your dh's responsibility.

DressedCrab · 27/07/2017 12:07

Let her go back to her mother. Life's too short to put up with made up teenage dramas. Talk about her coming back when she's apologised and promised to stop being such a drama queen. She's loving the attention, don't give it to her.

lottieandmia · 27/07/2017 12:15

It's not good for a child to be passed around from pillar to post. It's not the child's responsibility to make things right - it's her parents responsibility. Ok, the OP wasn't there when she was born and hasn't been able to influence events leading up to this. But if you can't take things like this on then don't marry a man who already has children imo. Existing children should always come first when parents split and if they start new relationships.