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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ungrateful SD

132 replies

WhiteCat1704 · 26/07/2017 19:01

I have a 16 year old SD who has been living with us for the past year. Things were ok in the house recently but there has been some drama in the past which I attributed to the new arrangement and all of us needing time to get used to the new situation.

Few weeks ago me,DH and our DS (2) went to see my family for some time. SD was invited along but she never wants to go and went to spend some time with her cousin, aunt and uncle instead.

We parted on good terms - or so I thought...I took her to a hairdresser and payed over £100 for the appointment (wasn't the first time either) and she was nice and chatty.

Long story short we got a phone call from her aunt when away. She was raging at DH for letting me mistreat his DD. Apparently I am horrible to her, control her father and want to throw her out of the house.
I'm now THE Evil stepmother from hell.
The aunt wouldn't listen to my DH that it was all lies..She contacted DH sister too to tell her what a horrible person I am..

I'm feeling shocked and hurt about this..and fed up..I have tried very hard with this girl and this is what I get..
I now REALLY want her out of the house..We took her in last year as she told us her mother was abusive..
But I don't think I can believe it anymore AND her mother wants her back. DH said she crossed the line and its unforgivable.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Gemxo · 27/07/2017 12:15

She is not a child at 16. She is old enough to know exactly what she is doing. She needs to apologise and explain why she has done something so evil.

lottieandmia · 27/07/2017 14:33

She is still a child - she's a minor in the eyes of the law. Whatever the reason is that she has said this stuff it's her parents fault not hers.

Groovee · 27/07/2017 14:38

My half siblings are in their 50's and still behave like this towards my mum their stepmum.

I blame my dad. His other children get away with every thing while I am the one he has a go at. I actually ignored my dad for 9 months and he couldn't and still doesn't understand why!

LunaMay · 27/07/2017 15:11

lottieandmia Are you serious? 16 years old is plenty old enough to know exactly what she is doing playing adults of against each other. Some teens are just not very nice, and only think of what they want in that instant not whats good long term. She does need a good talk with her dad by the sounds of it.

Dollyparton3 · 27/07/2017 16:10

Some teenage girls are master manipulators, we've got first hand experience of this and in this case, you're in the same boat that we've been in the past where the SD plays the parents off against each other.

Once you've identified that you can handle it. Don't rise to it, don't cow down in fear of contact being witheld and feel free to confront any behaviour that you consider manipulative and call it out. She is old enough to know what she's doing and a poor parent will not call it out for what it is as per Grovee's example above.

lottieandmia · 27/07/2017 18:18

I can see why the OP feels stressed and hurt but it absolutely not ok to say she should be kicked out of the house.

There must be a reason for this behaviour and it's not that likely to be that she's a psychopath.

Gogglerox · 27/07/2017 18:26

It seems to me like she's playing your partner and her mum off against each other. My SD (12) tried to do this many time with my DP and her mum and because there was a lack of communication between them she got away with it for a while.
We would constantly hear how mum is unfair, mum won't do this, mum makes her do that etc.
Most kids do this with their parents - if mum says no they'll ask dad, but in split families it becomes more complicated and it's especially difficult to get to the truth when the parents aren't parenting as a team.

My advice is calm down firstly - she was simply trying to get sympathy/ money/ attention from her aunt the same way she has from her mum and dad - by playing people off each other.
My bet is that she didn't realise it would go this far.
It is by no means a reflection on your parenting of her or how you treat her, I suspect she's a cheeky little madam trying her luck... we've all down it as dramatic teenagers.

I would speak to your DH and SIL about this. I would also calmly address it with your SD and ask her why she said those things.
She is not a young child at 16 years of age, if she had outwardly lied about things she should be held accountable. We had to do with SD and ExW because she would fabricate things to make her mum seem horrible - her mum is a lovely woman and a great mother and SD was simply being a hormonal spoiled brat.
Once she realised we talk to her mum a lot, funnily enough all the lies stopped haha

SpartacusSaiman · 27/07/2017 18:40

She is 16. Yes she knows its wrong. But also...she is 16. We all fuck up. Especially in our teens.

Instead of worrying about betrayed you feel, you should be thinking of reasons ahe has to lie. I can imagine the fact that her parents cant even communicate has plebty to do with it.

You all need to take some responsibility for the child (she is still a child) and whats going on with her.

Your son will be a teen one day andbi bet He Will also do something that hurts you. Where will you send him?

SpartacusSaiman · 27/07/2017 18:41

Andbyes she needs to be held accountable. But she also needs her parents to not give her 'i can never forgive her' line and help her.

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 07:35

She is back home now.
When confronted she denied everything or rather said that the aunt was saying stuff about me and she was shocked and confused.
She was visibly lying and later became hostile when told her story doesn't make sense.

When told she will have to go back to her mothers she went hysterical saying how she hated it and was screaming at DH how he is a horrible father for doing this.

She stormed off and sobbed loudly in her room. When DH later went to check on her and said that through all of it she never said sorry or show any humility she said she is not sorry.

So there..I am still feeling betrayed..some of what she said about me is really bad, personal..its not even about her being mistreated(some of it is but not major parts) but more about me as a person, her father is apparently being controlled by me...

OP posts:
IdoHaveAName · 28/07/2017 07:38

You don't like her and she has picked up on that.

Mama234 · 28/07/2017 07:51

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and your dh sister has handled it all very badly.
You sound like a very caring step mother and I feel for you, It does sound like she is playing everyone off against each other and I agree with the pp that I do think at 16 she knows what she is doing.

I would continue the communication with her mother and look to her moving back with her mother after all if you are so bad and evil I don't see why she should want to live with you.

DressedCrab · 28/07/2017 07:52

Difficult to like someone who lies about you, I'd say.

You used to like her and did a lot for her, if you don't like her now she only has herself to blame.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 08:04

Op, try not to dwell on the specific things she's said about you- they aren't a reflection on you there is obviously more going on here.

How have things been for her at school? I assume she will have taken her GCSEs now?

I think that for her to have moved out of her mothers she has already been let down. She may have depression or something. It's very difficult to work out what's going on when she's moving in and out of different settings. How long have you known her btw?

Original poster
WhiteCat1704 · 28/07/2017 08:07

My DH is handling it very badly and by proxy it's really affecting everything.

He hates her mother and DSD knows it.

I don't want a 16year old drama queen to break us up..we have a 2 year old DS together too..I don't want my DH to suffer, she is his DD and he loves her very much but I don't know what else we could do besides sending her to her moms.

OP posts:
DressedCrab · 28/07/2017 08:09

I don't see what else you can do. She is hostile to you and creating strife. It would be different if she was honest and admitted that she'd lied but she hasn't. Until she accepts responsibility for her behaviour then there isn't anything you can do. Let her mother try.

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 08:23

Yes your DH is handling it badly. Confronting her was a bad idea. You're still using dramatic language here. Confronting, betrayal... she's the 16 year old and the dramatic one, you guys need to be the calm, safe, stable adults. So she slagged off? And your response is to kick her out? It should be to go back to the start, reassure her that she is loved and talk. The talking bit might not happen immediately.
I see an immature, scared teen who has put a foot badly wrong, it's all gone pear shaped and is now panicking as her world falls apart.

Well you've kicked her out then? Yes that'll really bolster her sense of stability. Pinged about from pillar to post

How would I deal with this? Calm down. Talk to her. Start from a viewpoint of look, we love you. You have a home here and are wanted. The last couple of weeks have been difficult haven't they? Let's take it right back and calm down. When you're ready we can talk about it.

Yes there need to be consequences - but these are being grounded/loss of privilege not chucking her out!

And then listen. Listen to her fears and worries. It's no wonder she won't talk to you if you are approaching it as a confrontation. This isn't an soap opera. She's a teenager. No she's not a little kid, yes she should be able to regulate her emotions, but she obviously can't. So you have to model that for her, because quite frankly, it's no wonder she can't if the role models she has are so dramatic themselves.

I feel sorry for her, even though she is being a little madam. It's obvious you don't want her there. Think about what that's like as a child? Your home and parents are everything - lack of stability at this stage has far reaching, damaging consequences.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 08:31

If you send her away you're just proving her point that she is unloved really aren't you? Some of my friends have their kids tell them they hate them a lot. They don't send them away though.

Your posts do come across like your dh now has you and another child and you two should therefore take priority. And I think this is the wrong attitude. Your dh has a responsibility for his daughter.

Mama234 · 28/07/2017 08:34

I don't think its obvious she doesn't want her there at all, Op sounds like she has tried with her SD and is even opening up communication with her mum to try and come together to figure things out.
Op does have every right to be upset about her SD making up lies about her. Its wrong to lie and a child especially a 16year old needs to understand that.

Mama234 · 28/07/2017 08:35

Its hardly sending her away lottie, She is going back to her Mums where she has lived most of her life by the sounds of it.
Mum wants her back let her go back there.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 08:37

'I don't know what else we could do besides sending her to her moms.'

You could speak to a GP, try to persuade her to go. You could try to get CAHMS involved if she's still at school. You could stop thinking about how hurt you are and try to work out what is really going on here. Nobody ever said parenting is easy. But as a PP has said, you are the adult. It's normal for you to feel hurt but if you show it and back off then in your SD's eyes you've proven her point.

It's no wonder she's so unbalanced if all the adults in this girls life repeatedly show that they will give up on her time and again.

lottieandmia · 28/07/2017 08:38

But things didn't work out at her mums either. All that's happening is that her mum and dad repeatedly give up on her and bat her back and forth. Its not on.

BingoFlamingos · 28/07/2017 08:41

Sending her to her mums would be the worst thing you could do.
She's a teenage girl who is emotionally vulnerable, her mum and dad hate eachother, and she's possibly had a weak relationship wirh both of them.
Her dad now has a new family that she isn't quite part of. You've got a toddler and She just might feel like she's been replaced by her baby brother like she doesn't quite fit in. Being a teenage girl is weird and shit when you're family situation is fairly ok. On of my DSis is the same age and a fucking terror.

If you throw her out you really will ruin her, she's not a commodity, how would you feel if someone wanted to chuck you DS out? How would he feel? How would you feel if DP chucked you out to live with your mum?
You don't get to pick and chose
I'm sorry it's hard op, I really am, but this child is your family too, and you can't get rid of her for inconveniencing your lovely nuclear unit,

Anatidae · 28/07/2017 08:42

Family therapy might help. because the root of this dynamic is highly likely to be the family itself. Conflict in divorce, parents not speaking, already left her mother in emotionally charged circumstances. Now she's pushing against your authority. All children do this - it's how they set their own boundaries and is critical for their sense of self. Not all are as dramatic as your SD but that's what's happening. If a child can't push against boundaries in a safe manner it has negative consequences.

There are lots of things you can do without kicking her out. You're at a critical juncture here - your reaction will have consequence. Be an adult, be calm, model the behaviour you want to see. Get professional help if you can.

Mama234 · 28/07/2017 08:45

I don't think she is being batted back and forth this is the first time she has lived with them as far as I can see?
What's not on is lieing, and manipulating people, Her SD needs to learn that its hurtful and wrong. Op shouldn't just let her treat her like crap and say oh its OK as it sets the mark for future behaviour.
She needs to understand her actions are out of line.