Ungrateful SD

[WhiteCat1704]

I have a 16 year old SD who has been living with us for the past year. Things were ok in the house recently but there has been some drama in the past which I attributed to the new arrangement and all of us needing time to get used to the new situation.

Few weeks ago me,DH and our DS (2) went to see my family for some time. SD was invited along but she never wants to go and went to spend some time with her cousin, aunt and uncle instead.

We parted on good terms - or so I thought...I took her to a hairdresser and payed over £100 for the appointment (wasn't the first time either) and she was nice and chatty.

Long story short we got a phone call from her aunt when away. She was raging at DH for letting me mistreat his DD. Apparently I am horrible to her, control her father and want to throw her out of the house.
I'm now THE Evil stepmother from hell.
The aunt wouldn't listen to my DH that it was all lies..She contacted DH sister too to tell her what a horrible person I am..

I'm feeling shocked and hurt about this..and fed up..I have tried very hard with this girl and this is what I get..
I now REALLY want her out of the house..We took her in last year as she told us her mother was abusive..
But I don't think I can believe it anymore AND her mother wants her back. DH said she crossed the line and its unforgivable.

Am I unreasonable?

DressedCrab - I suppose you have never told a lie?

When I was 16 my thought processes certainly weren't what they are now. I was not mentally an adult - nobody is at that age. A lot of problems with children arise when their parents have unreasonable expectations of them.

DressedCrab - I suppose you have never told a lie?

Nothing on the scale described here. I certainly never accused a parent of what this girl has accused op of.

Absolutely. Definitely needs a consequence. But the consequence shouldnt be rejection by the family unit. That has to remain stable for her emotional development to be normal.
OP certainly shouldn't say she is ok with the behaviour- that's not what I'm saying. Currently the adults in this situation are behaving in an overly dramatic and quite spiteful way. Which is what the teen is modelling herself.

I couldn't agree more with the above.

A case for slander? Are you for real
You sound unhinged talking about betrayal and slander from a 16 year old teenager who's been messed up by her parents and now has a crazy step mother to contend with.
I really hope your dh does the right thing and puts his vulnerable daughters needs first. If he allows you to throw her out it proves the point that you are controlling him and do not want her there.

I never wanted to throw her out.
Social services are involved as they were involved last year too when accusations against the mother were being made.

As things stand SD has arranged a meeting with her mother before the one with the social services and family.

Believe me or not, I have been trying to make this work for everybody but at this point I can't do anymore.

I love my DH and will support him in any way I can. While I don't love SD I care for her well being and want her to be happy for my DH sake.

OP, you said that you wanted her out. I hope you have changed your mind.

What needs to happen is that your dh, you and dsd's mother need to get together and have a discussion with social services too.

You say you don't love her - well here's the problem partly. She probably knows you don't love her. I will never understand why people who know they'll never be able to love children that are not biologically theirs choose to marry a man who already has children. Its just completely selfish imo.

I never wanted her out before this mess.

I only met her when she was 12 had more involvement when she was 14. Love is not a switch and I'm not her mother so don't have it automatically.
I always wanted to do right by her though and tried very hard to have a good relationship. Also encouraged and worked hard towards DSD and DS relationship. From before he was born.

Hang on a minute lottie this is why step-mothers are set up to fail from the start!

This expectation to automatically love someone's child just because you love their parent is unrealistic. Yes they come as a package but so do parents in law and sisters/brothers in law etc, but we're not expected to love them as much as our own parents or siblings...
So why the pressure for step parents?
I think this expectation is what causes most of the issues in step/blended families and sets step parents up to fail (or to feel a failure) from the start.
I'm more realistic when it comes to my partner - I don't for one second expect him to love my children or even like them as much as he does his own because it will never happen.
I think I'm learning to accept I can care about my step kids and have their wellbeing at heart without loving them, and if I do grow to love them then I imagine it would be more in the way I love my niece's and nephews rather than my own children.

You openly admit you had more to do with her from the age of 14. I'm guessing you didn't consider you should have tried harder to establish a relationship and some
Foundations before having a child with her DF who is brother? If you met her at 12 you were only together a year or so before you got pregnant so I'm guessing you moved in together fairly quickly?

FFS. So many stupid and spiteful comments here. Step mothers don't stand a chance here.

DressedCrab I completely agree!
People post on here because they care (if they didn't they wouldn't bother at all)
But it seems on MN SC's are sacred and perfect even as adults and are never responsible for their own actions 🙄

It sounds like what should have just been a little moan to her aunt, got out of hand and everyone's dealing with the fallout. It was fine for the aunt to challenge you but it should have been done in a constructive manner.

It sounds like SD has learned, over many years, that the best way of getting her parents attention is to fling accusations. Suddenly everyone listens to her and takes her seriously and makes sympathetic noises about how hard her life is.
She is just doing what she has been taught to do by her parents - on a grand scale.
OP, you are right, it is no way for an adult to behave. Unfortunately she isn't really an adult (which is why social services are involved). You are right to take a step back for the moment and allow her parents to handle the situation.

Here's the thing teenagers vent to anyone who will listen all the time. If a 16 year old is venting and exaggerating things to her aunt thats normal. Even making stuff up, if it gets her attention (and from what you're saying she's obviously finding it hard to get attention in healthy ways - you resent her, her mum has issues and dad has a new wife and baby taking up his time).
The reason this is different from a normal 16 year old is the response from the adults. It was the Aunt who flew off the handles and ranted at your partner and called social services. Aunt should have descalated the teen and focussed on the positives. It may be mum is in the background also talking to teen with promises of things being better/asking about the negatives in your home.
With the Aunt creating the drama (by bringing it to your attention and going off against your hubby), your hubby should not have escalated it.
Did your stepdaughter ever have a reasonable chance of getting her side of the story out? Or did she come home to a furious father and stepmother who felt attack (an attack which was done by the Aunt and not her). Because if she was presented with a look at all the rubbish you've said, how could you do it to us rant, of course she wouldn't back down. A 16 year old doesn't have the tools to de-escalate the drama around her, of course she's going to be unrepentant and dramatic in that situation.
Unless dad acted as an adult and took her out/somewhere quiet and opened with something non confrontational such as "you're aunt was very upset with us/is worried that you're not happy can we talk about it." It was going to escalate.
Teens push, they vent, they exxaggerate. Its normal. Its not a betrayal. They learn by adults around being them calm and I can't see any adult in this situation being calm and rational.
How many people have moaned to someone about their parents hating them/being awful etc? That's normal. The reaction from Aunt and you and your partner of causing drama over a teenagers venting/moaning is not normal.

I think there is a lot more to this family than what has been shared here. SS don't get involved because 16 yo tell lies. Who called SS? The daughter, the aunt, her mother, OP?

The way you come across so defensively on here is odd. That you'd be annoyed, fair enough, that you'd wait to discuss it, totally understandable, but talking about slander and the rest is totally out of proportion.

I expect the daughter would have a very different story to tell and indeed the reason why she won't apologise.

OP, in one of your earlier messages, you said you had been in touch with her DM who wanted to stay in touch with you.

I think you and DSD and her Mum need to sit down with her and calmly talk through all the allegations she has made against both of you and ask her why.

You and her Mum are then presenting a united front.

And your DH needs to grow up and do what is best for his daughter, not him, whether he 'hates' his ExW or not. The way you all behave now will have a huge effect on the rest of your DSD's life. She is still a child and needs guidance from the adults in her life, not being pinged around from pillar to post.

I'm not so sure Swing because she said the same things about her own mother - whom both SS and dad are happy for her to go back to, which seems to show they were unfounded claims. It is highly likely she is doing the same again with SM because she knows it'll get her attention like last time.
And of course she defensive! I would be too if someone made up serious lies about me!
I think the slanderous comment is because if she was an adult and made false accusations like this then that is what it would be called

Can people get a bit of perspective here and stop attacking the OP? If you read the opening post again it clearly says that SD has milked the conversation with her Aunt, painted the OP as the stepmother from hell and gone on a big sob story for no reason. it was SD that started the "throwing out of the house" rumour.

OP there is no shame in struggling to love a stepchild. I think maternal mums on here expect a magic want to be waved and all stepparents are to be ashamed if their ovaries don't kick into gear the minute they are around somebody else's children. Lets remember that, "somebody elses children". How many people in this world regularly say out loud that they can't stand other people's children? Lots! How is this different?

Glad to hear you have calmed down a bit. We've been through similar and come out of the other side, it took a lot of psychology to not rise to it, but I suspect that we're not completely out of the woods with the hormones yet. The worst thing you can do is do the "pick me dance" which is normally the next phase when parents try to start scoring brownie points in this situation. We backed well away from that one.

SD is a minor but she is certainly not 'a child' and her behaviour should not be completely excused just because she is under 18 and her parents are not communicating. Yes, she may be upset and hurt but that does not give her the right to hurt other people.
In two years time she will be an adult and it's time she learnt that playing people off against one another is unacceptable and will not be tolerated when dealing with the outside world - if she were to exhibit this behaviour in the world of work or university, she would find herself socially isolated and perhaps even ostracised very quickly. She needs to learn about the consequences to her of malicious lying.

Having said that, I cannot understand how the OPs DH and Ex can justify not communicating with each other. They've had a child together and they have a duty to put aside their personal animosity towards each other for the sake of their child. The fact that they can't seem to do so is selfish and irresponsible.

I have a lot of sympathy for OP. It sounds like she is trying her best in challenging circumstances. Social services (quite rightly) have to take any accusations made by a minor seriously. We do not know the nature of the allegations made against OP but even if they are entirely false and malicious, they will have to be investigated thoroughly - not a comfortable situation for OP - if I were OP, I would also be very circumspect around SD from now on, if only to avoid any further lies against me in the future.

I would also be worried about the welfare of her son should SD's behaviour not change - if she has lied about her mother and her step-mother, then her half-brother could potentially get caught up in a similar situation in the future.

I completely agree that love is not a switch. But if you meet a man who has a 12 year old then you must realise that she comes as part of the package. I think that some of my posts have been harsh. But existing children should always come first. Some of your posts have come across as quite cold. And a bit like because his relationship with the girls mother has ended then he doesn't have to put her first any more and that you and your ds should take priority.

Now, Im also completely sympathetic that OP has walked into a crappy situation because the girls parents can't behave like adults and treat each other with respect for the benefit of their child. But as others have said, the adults are all letting this poor girl down.

If I were in the OP's shoes I'd be telling him to get his act together and take responsibility. Otherwise this poor girl is going to have a very rough ride in life because she hasn't been given the tools to cope with relationships and other people's expectations. I feel very sorry for her.

None of this means I think lying or playing people off against each other is ok or should be tolerated. To be quite honest it sounds as though she has learned this behaviour by seeing the way her mum and dad and extended family treat each other.

'How many people in this world regularly say out loud that they can't stand other people's children? Lots! How is this different?'

If you struggle to tolerate other people's children then the solution is quite simple - choose someone who has no children. If you do choose someone with a child then you commit yourself to the child as well as the relationship.

Personally I love even my friends children so it's hard for me to understand. I've also had boyfriends who loved my daughters, treated them like their own and continued to love them even after we broke up.

Lottie - I know parents who say this - parents who love their own children dearly - don't give it the moral big guns on that front . You may have noticed that a large percentage of the UK population are divorced/separated and have children. That doesn't confine the rest of us to a life of chastity

And to the person who said that nobody is expected to love their inlaws etc - well the difference is that those people are all grown up! They are not relying on you to provide the guidance and stability needed to a child up to and beyond the age of 18. Children who have irresponsible and selfish parents end up with a load of issues and emotional and mental health problems. It's not fair.

My friends daughter went off the rails at the age of about 15. All of a sudden she was coming home in police cars. Months later, my friend got to the bottom of what was going on and it was her bio dad sending her messages bad mouthing her mother on Facebook and telling lies about why he didn't bother to see her. My friend had also not helped by talking badly about her father since she was little. When parents do this it's so toxic.

'You may have noticed that a large percentage of the UK population are divorced/separated and have children. That doesn't confine the rest of us to a life of chastity'

You don't have to marry someone who already has a child. Plenty of people are honest about not wanting to do that. You have a choice. The potential child(ren) in the equation do not.

Betrayed by a 16 year old? Jesus the poor girl hasn't got a chance to be mature as it seems none of the adults in her life are modelling adult behaviour/responses.
It's also worth remembering that during adolescence the brain undergoes massive redevelopment which is why teenagers suddenly become less reasonable, more impulsive, less able to see things from others point of view. This lasts from around 11/12 and doesn't fully stop until 25.