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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

my second husband is really tough on my son

38 replies

ticandtoc · 12/07/2017 18:02

Hi
I have two children from my first marriage - a son and a daughter. My second husband has been their step-dad for nearly a decade but during that time he has always seemed to be really hard on my son.

At first I ignored it but now my son is a teenager I really feel he's too harsh. My husband is a really good man - kind and loving towards me - and is always a big fan of my daughter, but when it comes to my son it's a different story. My son has been struggling at school and my husband has labelled him a loser - and just seems down on him all the time.

I have pointed it out to him but it doesn't seem to change anything. My husband has quite old-fashioned values (he is older than me). I sometimes wish I was just on my own with my kids again - but I think that's another thread!

I'm not sure what to do as I feel very protective of my son but also don't think the sun shines out of his you-know-what - so it's not like I ignore any bad behaviour. He has quite low self-confidence as it is and I don't think my husband's behaviour helps.

I am worried my husband's attitude towards my son will have a lasting effect on his life. I grew up with a cold, heartless step-dad (funny that)... and it really affected me for years.

Has anyone been through anything similar or has any advice.
Thank you

OP posts:

CalmItKermitt · 12/07/2017 18:08

Your son has probably already been damaged by your husbands attitude towards him. It's a shame you've allowed it to go on for this long.

However, better late than never.

Leave the bastard.

Mrskeats · 12/07/2017 18:11

You have let your son suffer for 10 years!!!
Why exactly?

TwoDots · 12/07/2017 18:12

I couldn't put my boy through that.

I'd have to leave a man who is emotionally damaging my son

Lunar1 · 12/07/2017 18:15

Yes, I've been through it. It's shit, my mum was shit for letting it happen. Some people will always put their new relationship first at the expense of their children, you are not alone sadly.

HeyRoly · 12/07/2017 18:15

You already know what it's like to live unhappily with a cold, heartless stepfather. Have a think about what the last ten years have been like for your son.

Mrskeats · 12/07/2017 18:16

Quite twodots
I am about to be remarried and part of the reason is because my dp is great with my kids (who are grown up but still)

TwoDots · 12/07/2017 18:19

My partner is amazing with my son. If he didn't treat him as his own and like his daughter or any future children we may have, he would not be my partner

My sons happiness is paramount. I'm the same with his daughter. Treated fairly and equally and most importantly with love

Mrskeats · 12/07/2017 18:27

I love how it's always 'but he's a really good man'
Except when he's not. I doubt that would be your son's opinion.

AgentProvocateur · 12/07/2017 18:29

It'll be hard to undo 10 years of damage to your son, but the first step is getting rid of your husband.

NukaColaGirl · 12/07/2017 18:29

I'm glad you were able to ignore it for a decade Guarantee your son won't have been able to

memyselfandaye · 12/07/2017 18:29

Your husband is not a good man, he's a bullying shit, and you are not protective of your son, quite the opposite, your'e a disgrace, both of you.

If I saw a stranger being bullied in the street I would, and have stepped in. You allow your'e own child to be bullied at home.

The damage was probably done years ago. How have you just let it happen?

Can you imagine how your son feels at school everyday when he knows home time is approaching and he has to go home and face being picked on by his stepfather while his mother does fuck all about it?

Wake up you stupid bloody woman and do something before it's too late and your son is tipped over the edge and either harms himself or that pig you married.

kittybiscuits · 12/07/2017 18:31

You let this run on for 10 years too long. Are you going to LTB?

Justhadmyhaircut · 12/07/2017 18:31

Another vote for ltb.

My sons are still living the nightmare damage of my ex ten years on. . .

Orangetoffee · 12/07/2017 18:33

10 years! Your poor son.

Agree with memyselfandaye

AlternativeTentacle · 12/07/2017 18:36

I grew up with a cold, heartless step-dad (funny that)... and it really affected me for years.

And you want us to tell you what exactly?

Teammck05 · 12/07/2017 18:37

DH had a step dad like this for just over a decade. His mum did nothing about it. He has no time for his mum now, no relationship at all. He doesn't hate her just has no feelings for her. It's bullying and caused so much damage to DH's confidence. Councilling was needed and ongoing support from all the rest of the family.
For god sake do the right thing by your son.

RiseToday · 12/07/2017 18:37

Has he called him a loser to his face or is this something he says privately to you? In what other ways is he harsh towards your son?

FrToddUnctious · 12/07/2017 18:38

So because he's been good to you and your daughter you've been prepared to overlook your son being scapegoated for the last ten years?

Teammck05 · 12/07/2017 18:40

Actually to think of it you've probably left it too late now. I mean who the hell let's someone call their child a loser and does nothing about it.

PastaPosha · 12/07/2017 18:48

Family counselling OP? My dh is very down on our dd (but not our son) and it is an ongoing problem. She reminds him of himself (she is very like him) and he hates to see that. We started going to counselling together but now he is going on his own and whatever is being said to him he is making a huge effort to encourage and be positive to our daughter. I think he was parenting how he was parented and his counselling is showing him that isn't necessarily the best way to go.

orangewasp · 12/07/2017 18:48

My husband is a really good man - kind and loving towards me - and is always a big fan of my daughter .... oh that's fine then, never mind that you're son is being bullied and damaged as long as you and your daughter are OK

memyselfandaye is spot on

LDN17 · 12/07/2017 18:59

He sounds horrible. Some men are like this towards boys- really harsh on them and expect them to be "men" about it, call them for everything under the sun, shoot them down for not winning etc etc..

chowmeinchick · 12/07/2017 19:05

So you know he's been horrible to your son for 10 years but you've let it carry on?

Basically taking your husbands side and showing him it's okay to treat your child badly. Good god. Hopefully your son gets out of there as soon as he can and it doesn't leave any damage. Getting bullied, by anyone, let alone by someone who you're meant to look up to, is horrendous.

But hey, as long as he's nice to you and your daughter who gives a fuck?

If you thought it was that bad, you would have left him by now like any good mother/parent would, so clearly nothing is going to change.

thereallochnessmonster · 12/07/2017 19:05

Old-fashioned values? Bullying a boy child but being 'lovely' to you and a girl child? Calling him a loser? That's not old-fashioned values - that's being a bullying dickhead.

He sounds horrible, OP. Your poor son.

LDN17 · 12/07/2017 19:11

lochness Exactly, it isn't old fashioned values. He's just a prick.
Men like the op's dh are lovely to girls and horrible to boys. Probably also the type of guy to half-joke about wanting to get a gun because his daughter has a boyfriend

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