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Step-parenting

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Original poster

my second husband is really tough on my son

38 replies

ticandtoc · 12/07/2017 18:02

Hi
I have two children from my first marriage - a son and a daughter. My second husband has been their step-dad for nearly a decade but during that time he has always seemed to be really hard on my son.

At first I ignored it but now my son is a teenager I really feel he's too harsh. My husband is a really good man - kind and loving towards me - and is always a big fan of my daughter, but when it comes to my son it's a different story. My son has been struggling at school and my husband has labelled him a loser - and just seems down on him all the time.

I have pointed it out to him but it doesn't seem to change anything. My husband has quite old-fashioned values (he is older than me). I sometimes wish I was just on my own with my kids again - but I think that's another thread!

I'm not sure what to do as I feel very protective of my son but also don't think the sun shines out of his you-know-what - so it's not like I ignore any bad behaviour. He has quite low self-confidence as it is and I don't think my husband's behaviour helps.

I am worried my husband's attitude towards my son will have a lasting effect on his life. I grew up with a cold, heartless step-dad (funny that)... and it really affected me for years.

Has anyone been through anything similar or has any advice.
Thank you

OP posts:
KermitsLoveChild · 12/07/2017 19:18

My step-father was awful. He made it very clear that I was a cuckoo in his nest and made my life a misery. Told me at 9 years of age that I had to 'earn my keep' in his house. Mum passed everything off as him just joking Hmm.

He was a nightmare and I couldn't wait to leave home.

kittybiscuits · 12/07/2017 19:26

Old fashioned values = is a massive bully

foodiefil · 12/07/2017 19:40

Does he think your son is your ex?

KateLennard · 12/07/2017 19:49

My step father was horrible and bullying. My mother always took his side. I am totally estranged from both of them.

I am pretty sure it doesn't bother her. She picked a side many years ago.

But do please be aware that long term, your son may well blame you as much as or more than, his step father. Because you are his parent and you allowed it to carry on.

Monkeyface26 · 12/07/2017 19:50

Your teenage son probably really dislikes your husband but have you asked yourself how he feels about you. I was bullied by a parent as a child and now as a middle aged parent myself, the person I struggle to forgive is the one who did not protect me. You are letting your son down, over and over again, over the course of a decade. It is probably too late but if you do not want your relationship with your adult son to be one where he finds you a contemptible coward, you will act now. He probably also resents his sister as the golden child who is favoured over him.
You don't seem to have any concept of the damage YOU (not your dh) have been doing to your son with your lazy, weak, cowardly parenting. This is not what a mother does.
You could apologise to your son, leave your husband and start family therapy with both your children. Anything less will probably not be enough.
Sorry to be so forthright.

thefutureisfemale · 12/07/2017 19:51

So??? You are facilitating the abuse of your son? Ok...

Mrskeats · 12/07/2017 21:00

Are you coming back op?

Lunar1 · 13/07/2017 12:10

Please don't follow the family therapy session that was advised. Therapy with a bully is almost worse than no help at all.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 13/07/2017 12:14

He sounds vile and you're allowing it.
Your son won't thank you for it and if that sounds harsh I'm afraid it's meant to.

Catrina1234 · 13/07/2017 16:47

Well I think you've got your replies OP - all pretty much the same. What did you expect people to say. You're making excuses (old fashioned values) so why doesn't he display those values with your daughter.

I don't know how old you boy is but I agree with others that the damage has been done (10 years is a long time) Has your son got a father or gran or other relative who would care for him. It makes it all the more difficult to understand that you were ill treated by a SF so know how it feels, yet are willing to put your son through that.

whereareallthebobbles · 14/07/2017 14:17

Feel sorry for your boy Sad

I have been a lone parent since march and tbh its people like you and your dh that make me want to stay that way. It is going on now with my dsis and her dp. He has called my dn awful awful names (like mong) I have challenged this but dsis is silent Angry I get that she was lonely when her ex left and new dp makes her happy but I cannot see why she would rather bring someone so vile into her daughters house and life.

I would rather be single for the rest of my life and I don't care if that makes me "one of those mums who martyr themselves for their children and have no life other than their kid" better that than sit there watching my child get bullied in their own home

Please leave him for your sons sake

Gogglerox · 16/07/2017 15:43

My exP was like this with my daughter - needless to say he was removed from our house and I now have a very happy 7 year old

3perfectweemen · 19/07/2017 11:14

The reason I fell in love with my Dh is watching him fall in love with my son. 6 years and he loves my son exactly the same as he love our dc we have together. My point to is never settle for any less. All children deserve the same love and respect.
You need to leave him op

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